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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Yobes not me but my husband
  • replies: 5

ok, so its not me that is suffering but my husband. I just dont know what to do anymore. It seems I am to blame for my husbands depression. I suppose I have not been as supportive as I should have been but I not only have him to worry about. My paren... View more

ok, so its not me that is suffering but my husband. I just dont know what to do anymore. It seems I am to blame for my husbands depression. I suppose I have not been as supportive as I should have been but I not only have him to worry about. My parents are both unwell and my mother is in a nursing home. Not trying to make excuses just saying how it is. My husband no longer goes out and when I ask him to come he tells me its out of some sort of obligation. His doctor said there should be no more "babying" and he needs to join the world again. I cant see why I need to stay at home as well. Is the wrong? Sounds selfish I know. But what else do you do? We havent had a good year this year. Both of us have changed and things cannot go back to the way they were. Although my husband would like that. It just wont be the same. How do you get someone to talk to you if they think your not interested? Im in a no win situation. If he talks, he says im not interested. If I dont ask, Im not interested He has googled how to kill himself. And when I questioned him about it, he told me to mind my own business. He has talked about leaving home and Im at the stage that if he wants to go, then go. Im tired and emotionally drained. Depression is hard on everyone. What do I do? Am I being too selfish? Should I stay home all the time as well? Got any suggestions

Dontknowhow2help Insomnia help please!
  • replies: 7

Hello everybody! I am new to this and am seeking help for my partner. Over the last 2 months, my partner has developed severe insomnia, which is secondary to anxiety I believe. I am really desperate for any feedback or advise as my partner has lost a... View more

Hello everybody! I am new to this and am seeking help for my partner. Over the last 2 months, my partner has developed severe insomnia, which is secondary to anxiety I believe. I am really desperate for any feedback or advise as my partner has lost all hope of recovering from this and is now constantly thinking of suicide as the only option out of how she feels. She is struggling to work and continue to do her normal activities that she loves. She has been assessed by GPs and given sleeping medications (strong type) but this not really giving any relief. She has no faith in the GPs as nothing they do helps her and she is very reluctant to see a psychologist as she has had negative experiences in the past with them. I am trying to coax her into seeing a sleep disorder physician but am finding it hard to agree to that. I am really fearful that if she continues like this, she will cross the line of thoughts to actual harm. Thanks for listening

sarahl Helping my brother - and you
  • replies: 4

Hi there everyone, I have posted in these forums before, mostly the anxiety one for my own issues, but today I wanted to ask for your help for my 25 year old brother who has suffered from depression since he was 12. He is on medication and takes it r... View more

Hi there everyone, I have posted in these forums before, mostly the anxiety one for my own issues, but today I wanted to ask for your help for my 25 year old brother who has suffered from depression since he was 12. He is on medication and takes it religiously, but has had a few relapses over the years. The latest just last week, occurred after he had a wonderful social experience - but this only served to show him how lonely he is, with no friends. He has a wonderfully supportive family and spends some time with our other brothers friends but won't go out with them alone as they are 'not his mates'. Having seen his psychologist last week, she has recommended that he join an outpatient group but as he hasn't been in hospital he can't easily access this support. I want to know if anyone can recommend ways for him to meet people (melbourne) or of any support groups etc that I can get in touch with. I am prepared to look into getting some kind of initiative up if nothing exists. Because he spent his teenage years in a state of depression, his social skills are somewhat limited but I imagine there are others in this position too. Thanks everyone - keep smiling and remember you are all worthy. Sarah L.

Vidic15 Not sure what to do
  • replies: 4

Am posting because of my concerns for one of my best mates who is going through serious depression and chronic fatigue right now. He is getting treatment with medication and counselling, but I feel he might be edging ever closer to ending his life. H... View more

Am posting because of my concerns for one of my best mates who is going through serious depression and chronic fatigue right now. He is getting treatment with medication and counselling, but I feel he might be edging ever closer to ending his life. His parents and brother are aware of things, but at least I get the feeling there is a large degree of apathy from them towards his illness and I am beginning to feel the strain myself. I am not sure how to help him any further, how to get through to him - as I don't want to let him down, but I also don't want to get run down by the strain. Any advice would be appreciated.

Lost74 My Partner denies he is depressed and wont seek help.
  • replies: 5

Hi all, My partner of 5 years is a beautiful man. So caring, such a big heart. Such a kind and gentle man. Very easy going and friendly. The stress of too many large changes in our life recently combined with some bad luck also, have caused extreme s... View more

Hi all, My partner of 5 years is a beautiful man. So caring, such a big heart. Such a kind and gentle man. Very easy going and friendly. The stress of too many large changes in our life recently combined with some bad luck also, have caused extreme stress on him. To the point that he has finally broke. ("Im Broken" was his words). I have been aware of his depression, but he seemed to keep most of it "in check" somehow, by avoiding all the things that tend to trigger it. But I know his history and I can see the writing on the wall. If he continues to follow the unhealthy coping strategies that he always has in the past when he has hit a major depressive episode. He blames his partner and leaves.(Which on this occasion, is me!) I have tried to communicate with him, but he does not want to hear any rational answers from me. Its like I am the enemy. I have educated myself on as many websites and information as I can, to learn further about how to best interact with him. I have commenced regular therapy sessions to support myself as his partner. He has now moved into our spare room (2-3 weeks ago) and spends alot of time in there. (hiding/avoiding/man cave?) In following the knowledge of his habits from the past, he has again, increased his communication to his ex wife of 10 years ago. He always seems to lean on her when he gets like this. (Blames the current partner and goes and seeks solace in conversations with the ex wife) Yet I have seen the ex wife contribute to a large portion of his stress, regarding access to the chidren! He wont talk to me, and when he does, he blames me for how he is feeling. He says he doesnt love me anymore and he is frustrated with the fact that i dont take his word for it. Yet he has made no plans to leave or put the house on the market. Nothing he says matches with his actions. This has been going on for two months. With my own insecurities, I blamed myself initially when he broke down, and it has only given him more ammo to fire at me. I now know through therapy, that even if we had the perfect relationship, (which its pretty damn close to!) it would still be my fault, he would still blame me. I have tried to approach him with the reality of his current depressive condition and provided information print-outs for him to read, but he has read very little of it. He acts like he hates me, but when I say that to him, he says he doesnt. The reasons that he provides for wanting to leave the relationship are easily resolved with communication (they are not deal breakers!), but he has not communicated them to me at all and just held onto it all. It has now all blown up with the stress. The problems are small and he is not rational, so they appear big to him right now. He copes with his illness by, being evasive, avoiding and running away. He throws himself into his work and pretends like nothing is wrong. I see him conduct a normal working day in our business together like nothing is wrong, but when I try to have a relationship with him, he wont let me in as his partner. (Business partner - no worries, but relationship partner is a no go zone!) Its doing my head in! The beautiful man I once knew, has disappeared. This new man quite happlily interacts with me during business hours but, has a forked toungue that spits nasty venomous comments at me after business hours. He has a huge inflated ego that he has never had over our 5 years together and is now a complete workaholic. (which he may well be doing not just to avoid how he feels, but also to avoid me!) Ive never seen him like this before. Its so heart breaking to watch. Its scarey to see such a stranger inside my beloved mans body. With all of the research I have done on this subject - He ticks approx 90% of the boxes, combined with the knowledge of his past.......With all the evidence, I had to stop questioning myself that he had definately fallen into a hole or cloud. I have asked him to seek professional help, but his ego and depression are running the show. I am new to all this and although I have seen small signs of his illness over the years, we have been really lucky until now. His family appear to take a back seat and say "we are here if you need us dear". Which of course, in his denial, he wont take up the offer! There appears to be nothing more I can do, but sit and watch the train wreck (and hope for a miracle).

Joshuasacca Help me help her
  • replies: 7

My partner has depression we do not live together as we are two young but we love each other so much. Her body can tell you her storie or most of it , it is coverd in scars. she has had a horrible past in witch she dose not know her real mother and h... View more

My partner has depression we do not live together as we are two young but we love each other so much. Her body can tell you her storie or most of it , it is coverd in scars. she has had a horrible past in witch she dose not know her real mother and her father was killed last year , she now has an extremely verbally abusive mother , she has also been through physical and sexual abuse , when she was young she fell in love with a much older guy and little did she know he was using her but none the less she loved him and he died in a car crash, she had a sever drug problem and was on every drug exept LSD's , she has had a few sucide attempts and has also been through a phyc ward . Somehow she met me after all of this . She hates school so so much and in the afternoons comes home and cries for hrs. I have known her 10 months now and love her more than ever . But it's hard . She changes so fast , form crying to laughing from so seriouse to the silliest little girl it's hard to keep up. When she can't see me due to my or her parnts she gets upset and instead of missing me she gets angry and starts arguing why I can't see her. We are very close we have a sexual relationship and we both love it. when I am with her we are the happiest people you will meet laughing till we cry and singing like the world is deff . But when we are not its so difficult to hold together. Please how to I help her ?

denise husband has depression wont get help has left
  • replies: 5

my husband of 32 yrs has severe depression, it came to a head in dec 2012 when he decided I must be the problem and he didn't know if he still loved me. tho in Feb 2012 we had renewed our wedding vows all set up by him, we had a great relationship ti... View more

my husband of 32 yrs has severe depression, it came to a head in dec 2012 when he decided I must be the problem and he didn't know if he still loved me. tho in Feb 2012 we had renewed our wedding vows all set up by him, we had a great relationship till this disease took him away.He said he needed to leave and to sort himself out, so he packed up his car and took off from queensland where we live to the banks of the river murry in Adelaide.Not only did he leave me but also his two adult children and his beautiful g/daughter whom he adored. He has been gone 9 mths now and he is still no where near to 'sorting himself out' he absolutely refuses help, we do have contact but more on his terms. He came home in Aug for 3 days and for a day we had a beautiful time but he still felt the need to go but he said our time together gave him hope for our future, but our contact has gone back to where it was before, he seems to be setting up a life down there but he is still very ill.His depression started after a major back operation, and he started to feel to feel useless and angry as he was in constant pain. I'm so worried that he will be like this for ever as hes not getting help. He has no light in his eyes anymore. i'm so confused and worried about him and his children miss him terribly but has limited contact with them also. I have great support and am seeing a councillor but its hard going, I love this man very much and want him home but most of all I want him to get well.

littleone I think Ive found the bottom of rock bottom
  • replies: 6

Hi, Im new here. I have tried to do deal with all of this depression stuff myself for a long time now but last night I had an epiphany... I was sobbing, feeling like I was drowning in my life problems as per usual, when a light bulb went off and I ha... View more

Hi, Im new here. I have tried to do deal with all of this depression stuff myself for a long time now but last night I had an epiphany... I was sobbing, feeling like I was drowning in my life problems as per usual, when a light bulb went off and I had the thought of " I now know why my grandfather committed suicide!" Ive had thoughts of committing suicide before but have never acted on them (mainly because of my dog who was my rock keeping me tethered to this world. I lost her last year to a horrible disease) Every part of my being says suicide isnt the way out but this time I am at a loss of where to turn to. I cant talk to any my family, my partner who used to be there for me is growing further and further away and I am scared of losing him if I do, I have no friends as I lost them in a messy breakup where they all chose to be on his side (he was a mental abuser and they still chose him...) Ive never felt this alone before. Anyway long story short... I know suicide isnt my answer and I need some help on where to start in getting help. Im drowning and dont know which direction to take... I think I just need to know Im not alone..

Georgie08 Loving someone with depression when you're not sure they love you
  • replies: 4

I've been with my partner for about 18 months now. We had been together for 4 months or so when he told me he has depression. I guess there had been some signs (becoming distant and reclusive) but as we live a couple of hours apart and would really o... View more

I've been with my partner for about 18 months now. We had been together for 4 months or so when he told me he has depression. I guess there had been some signs (becoming distant and reclusive) but as we live a couple of hours apart and would really only see each other on weekends it was difficult to really see what was going on. He has told me that he was diagnosed about 15 years ago and I think he has been on medication pretty much ever since. I don't know a lot of details as he is reluctant to talk about it and I don't want to push him. I know that at times it can be very bad and that he has had thoughts of suicide. I have not had much experience with depression and so have tried to read a lot of material and speak with a girlfriend who suffers from depression to get her thoughts on different things but it's clear that it is an illness that affects different people in many different ways so it's not always that helpful. I am very confused about it all because when we are together everything seems to be great. He is good at showing and telling me that he loves me and I feel positive about our future. The problem is when we're apart. We see each other most weekends and I travel to his town for work fairly regularly for a few days or a week at a time but on occasion for work or other reasons we don't see each other for 2-3 weeks. Twice during two particularly long periods of not seeing each other he has broken up with me, firstly in November last year and then around Easter this year. There has been some tension before that time (mainly due to his poor telephone communication and me needing more contact) but I wouldn't say that there were any issues that would warrant ending the relationship - particularly when we have had discussions about our long term future including marriage and children. Each of the times he has broken up with me it has been over the telephone. Because of the distance we haven't been able to see each other for a few days or more but when we did finally seen each other again he told me how stupid he had been, how low he had been feeling and that he had made a huge mistake. Each time it has broken my heart but I've accepted his depression as being a major factor in him pushing me away and I haven't wanted to walk away from an otherwise great relationship. The second time it happened (around Easter) was actually shortly before I was due to move to his town to live with him. We had discussed this many times and had agreed that it was the best way to move our relationship forward. I had arranged this with my work and having to go back on all of these plans was very difficult and, to be honest, quite humiliating. I have since decided that I am not moving to be with him until I feel some more security and certainty in our relationship. The other day I found out he had been looking at girls (on Facebook) in his local area through a social networking group he belongs to in his town. I asked him what that was all about and he said that one night he was feeling really low and began thinking that something in his life had to change, which is the explanation he has previously given in breaking up with me. He thought that maybe what he needed to change in his life was me, because if I was the right person for him then having me in his life should stop him from feeling so low. And so he looked up these girls effectively to see what was out there. He told me it was a moment of weakness and that when he doesn't feel like he can love himself he cannot love me either. I'm not sure when he did this but it was in the last couple of months when I actually thought everything was going really well - we had been talking about getting engaged. He told me he had not contacted any of them and that it was just one night of him feeling really negative about us so, sitting on the computer, he looked them up. My previous relationship was emotionally and on a few occasions physically abusive. I am a 34 year old professional woman who likes to think that she's not stupid and yet I have now found myself in two relationships with some very unhealthy aspects. I am worried that I am attributing these issues in my current relationship to my partner's depression when it could really be that 'he's just not that into me'. I have not previously been in any way concerned about his fidelity. He has never cheated on a partner and since his marriage ended 8 years ago I am the longest relationship he has had. I have met his sister when we travelled interstate to visit her and her family and we're again travelling interstate to spend Christmas with her and the rest of his family. In so many ways he seems committed to me but it scares me how quickly it seems to be able to change, lose any sense of his love for me and start looking at alternatives. I know that I am the only one who can decide what to do but I really need some advice and information. I keep thinking that once we can actually be together 'full time' then may this will all get better because the distance and time apart seems to be a significant factor in all of this. Could his behaviour/reactions be in any way connected to his depression or am I just kidding myself?

TheHubby My wife is pregnant and suffering
  • replies: 3

Hello I hope someone can give me advice. My wife doesn't know i am writing on here but I am in desperate need. She is 36 weeks pregnant and 4 weeks ago she started suffering anxiety which in the last 2 weeks has become depression. All she has is nega... View more

Hello I hope someone can give me advice. My wife doesn't know i am writing on here but I am in desperate need. She is 36 weeks pregnant and 4 weeks ago she started suffering anxiety which in the last 2 weeks has become depression. All she has is negative thoughts and believes she will never get passed this (even though she did have anxiety and depression about 8 years ago and got through it fine). she wants to give up and run away and this has completely taken over our happiness in having our first child. She hasn't been able to sleep which was also another major cause i believe. The doctor last week prescribed a low dosage of anti-depressants. She is on sleeping tablets as well. I am worried that all this stress will be harmful to the baby. I hope the medication doesn't effect the baby either but i trust in the doctors. I am doing my best to reassure her that the treatment will work but she can't seem to get rid of all the negative thoughts and believes nothing will work. She is really sensitive and I have to be careful with what i say around her to not send any fear. Fear is the major thing here. she first feared she would get depression after anti-natal classes spoke a little on it. then in turn it created anxiety which in turn created this. I just need reassurance myself that she'll get through this and that the baby will be fine. What can I do? just hang in there? what if this doesn't go away by the time baby has arrived? btw she is having an elected ceaser.