Not sure what to do

[Vidic15]

Am posting because of my concerns for one of my best mates who is going through serious depression and chronic fatigue right now.

He is getting treatment with medication and counselling, but I feel he might be edging ever closer to ending his life.

His parents and brother are aware of things, but at least I get the feeling there is a large degree of apathy from them towards his illness and I am beginning to feel the strain myself.

I am not sure how to help him any further, how to get through to him - as I don't want to let him down, but I also don't want to get run down by the strain.

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Ashlee]

Vidic15

You should just let your friend know that you are there to talk about anything, and that you will try to understand where he's coming from. At the same time you don't want to continuously ask him if there's  anything wrong, because that could be too confronting to him/her.
Try sitting down and just being there when your friend needs to talk, don't ask too many questions though, and don't try to make it too obvious that's all you want to know about. Usually problems come from experiences or just the thought of being alone, like no one is there. 

[Chris_B]

Hi Vidic15,

It's great that you're being such a support for your friend but also recognising your own needs.  It can be easy for friends and family to get burnt out when someone they love experiences depression or anxiety long term.

Here's a couple of pages on our website that you might find useful.

Caring for a friend: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/resources/family-and-friends/caring-for-someone-with-depression-or-anxi...

Looking after yourself: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/resources/family-and-friends/looking-after-yourself

Ashlee makes a good point about coming across as too confronting. The RUOK day website has a great guide for starting conversations that get around this: https://www.ruokday.com/resources-for-you/how-to-ask-r-u-ok/

Hope this helps.

Take care, and let us know how you go.

CB

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[amamas]

Hi Vidic15

I am in the same place as your friend in that I have CFS, depression and close to suicide.  You sound like an awesome, wonderful caring friend!  The world needs more beautiful people like you!

The main advice I'd give you is like CB said look after yourself.  You are super important!

I'll tell you the mistakes my friend makes hope this helps.  My friend freaks out when I talk about how I'm feeling especially when I'm talking about suicide and I end up trying to help her calm down.  All I want her to do is look after herself and hear me when I want to speak. 

She also freaks out that she's going to say the wrong thing and set me off and I always have to reassure her that all I need is for her to be herself.

What she does that helps me is she reminds me of the good times we've shared in the past, or we have a laugh together over some of the crazy things we used to do.  The thing that helps me the most though is that I know she understands me and that she cares.

I hope some of this helps, cheers amamas

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Vidic,

All good responses.

I would add that having to worry about a friend 24/7 is far too much.  Why not just call every other night at the same time to have a 5 min chat.  This is what they organise for oldies living on their own.  It sounds a bit contrived but you'd be surprised how people lock on to routines especially if it's gonna help them.

I do a regular fortnightly dog walk with a friend going through divorce and it's been fantastic to have this special time together and catch up.   The dogs are merrily cavorting around and chasing balls and we're deep in "Really, he did that ?" conversations to ease the pain of an abusive relationship.    Sometimes I can off load bipolar stories so it's a good mix.  The important thing is to be there for each other.   In the hour we have I'd say 40 mins is general conversation about nothing important and the last 20 mins go for the jugular.   I even had to let my dog out of my car the other day as the leaving was protracted.

Maybe a friend will tell you if you're too much or in their face.  We cling to concern.

Adios, David.