I think Ive found the bottom of rock bottom

[littleone]

Hi,

Im new here. I have tried to do deal with all of this depression stuff myself for a long time now but last night I had an epiphany... I was sobbing, feeling like I was drowning in my life problems as per usual, when a light bulb went off and I had the thought of " I now know why my grandfather committed suicide!" Ive had thoughts of committing suicide before but have never acted on them (mainly because of my dog who was my rock keeping me tethered to this world. I lost her last year to a horrible disease) Every part of my being says suicide isnt the way out but this time I am at a loss of where to turn to. I cant talk to any my family, my partner who used to be there for me is growing further and further away and I am scared of losing him if I do, I have no friends as I lost them in a messy breakup where they all chose to be on his side (he was a mental abuser and they still chose him...) Ive never felt this alone before.

Anyway long story short... I know suicide isnt my answer and I need some help on where to start in getting help. Im drowning and dont know which direction to take... I think I just need to know Im not alone.. 

[ModeratorC]

Hi there,

 We are really sorry to hear how hard things have gotten for you. We are so glad though that you have reached our for some support. We hope that you will find here on this website that you are not alone and that others are here to support you too.

The best thing to do at this stage is to keep talking, keep reaching out for some support. Talk to your friends, family about how you are feeling. They will want to support you. Speak with a professional such as your GP if you feel that it is too hard to speak with people that you are close with.

 The good news is that with the right treatment and support depression can clear and then suicidal thoughts also go. Remember these are only symptoms of depression. It takes some time to get the right support but the first step is reaching out. Please go to your GP and speak further about this.

Take care, Beyondblue Team

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear little one,

You sound like you are really suffering. Moderator C (a new mod arises) is on the money - talking to family (someone less threatening than your ex), friends (there's got to be someone), GP, the man in the donut shop, the neighbour that puts extra rubbish in your bin when you aren't looking, the postman or even the cold caller are all gonna help you BUT it's only a start.  There might be benefit for you to also make time for a counsellor rather than dwell on suicide.

When I'm suicidal it is with a plan ahead/in the future this means I don't act NOW.  When time passes I'm am thinking differently and things don't seem so bad as they were in the moment.   It's strange how accepting the thoughts can release you.  I don't think there's any point criticising the loss of contact "(he was a mental abuser and they [my friends] still chose him)".  It makes no difference to your own strength of character, strong personality, desire for help or the fact that you're "new here".

You should feel free to post anytime.    There are a lot of responders that would relate to your story.   Many have almost drowned too.   It's not the sort of site where you will be minimalised and made to feel stupid.   You have done well to come on board.  You could not control your grandfather's choice.   

Adios, David.

[geoff]

dear Littleone, I am pleased that you have posted a comment to this site as you are in a dark place at the moment.

There will be many people here reaching out for you, knowing exactly how you feel, and we all know that it's not a pleasant place to be.

I too had to put my beautiful dog down a couple of months ago, and this also destroyed me, but now I have another puppie, Moo-Moo, she doesn't replace Tessie but she fills the hole, and could you do the same, because their eyes just lock onto yours.

There is so much more to your story, but first of all you need professional help, and you are right suicide isn't the solution, but firstly contact your doctor.

Your previous partner/husband will eventually become undone as his lies and taking control will finally crack, and he will lose these friends.

Here you have people who want to talk to you, to help you and support you in any way that's possible. So hopefully you can reply back to us. L Geoff. x

[littleone]

Thank you moderatorC, David and Geoff.

Well after my last week of darkness and drowning my current partner (not my ex! hes long gone and ive forgiven him so i could move on) had a big chat. He owned what he was doing wrong in our relationship and I was able to open up a bit more to let him know how i was feeling at that time. I think it scared him as i am on the outside a happy go lucky girl all the time who always has a smile but on the inside im screaming for help. Its exhausting! Im always using my energy to help or be there for others that im just forgetting about myself. Theres so much more going on in my life but I went to the doctor about it today (i probably wasnt as open as id like to have been) but since we're trying for a baby i cant take anything to help so i have to do this by talking and opening up to myself not holding it in. I will continue to use this website for help as I know Im not alone on here even if i feel it here in my world (but like you say Im not I just have to open up and trust people)

Thanks everybody! Keep up your magical words!

LittleOne xo

[GrabAVoice]

Hi Littleone,

Well done on taking the first steps to your recovery.  The road may be hard and sometimes difficult, but please know that there is a way to get back on track.  It CAN be achieved.  It is great you have seen your GP.  If you are able to find a psychologist that you can connect with it may help you in opening up a little more.  Your GP can give you a referral for up to 10 discounted visits per year under the Better Access Mental Health.  

Take care Littleone and please believe me when I say - 'you can get thru this and you will come out a much stronger person'.

Please know I'm here for you.

[jim_blah]

Hi Littleone, there is hope I have suffered with various disorders for nearly 60 years, had a light blink on recently when I got some tests done and got a diagnosis, now I know what to look at, which behaviors I should be managing etc. Lost my wife to suicide 30 years ago, wish I knew then what I know now. Remember if you die there is no you to feel pain, I would rather live with the pain and try to grow through it. There are good practitioners out there. Get a mental health plan from your GP, and find a good psychologist. If you don't click with them dump them and get a new one. Don't blame the psychologist they are a mess too. I have found a great Dr now, and am living a whole new life. My previous psyche I think was using me as her psyche till I moved on and found some one who really is in touch with the craft.

Good luck there are people who will listen to you, you are not as alone as you think, very sad to hear about your dog, animals have been a big part of my life too. An yes I cry for them too when they pass on. It just shows you are human and are in touch with your emotions. I feel sorry for those who are not.

Good luck and keep in touch with the people here, they really care.

Cheers Jim.