Hello Denise,
I can see that you are feeling extremely worried for your husband. This is also a difficult problem for your family with no easy solution in sight. It is admirable that you talk about this and seek advice [or even just an ear to hear you]
Your husband seems frustrated at himself first and foremost. When he said in December last year that 'you were the problem,' he was feeling that because he wasn't the same person he was before, the person you've known for 32 years, he has failed you and your family. When he packed up and left, he must have done it because he felt shame and anger at himself for being a 'useless and angry' man in constant pain. He does not want to burden his own family, believing that he needs to 'sort himself out' first before he becomes worthy enough to come home and resume his role as a husband and father [and grandfather].
The issue here, and the reason that he has not 'sorted himself out' even after 9 months, is because he does not want to receive help from his family. Ultimately depression can only be overcome by the person who suffers it, but acquiring support makes it easier. The problem may be that he feels ashamed in seeking help from his own family, who he has supported as a father and husband for so long. As cliched as it sounds [apologies] but sometimes depression does not come from weakness but when one has been strong for too long.
In terms of why he has limited contact, talks only in his own terms and even returned back to Adelaide after seeing his family was that he himself wanted to feel prepared to talk to the family that he feels he has disappointed. However, when he does contact you, he is only reminded of his continued failure [since he knows that he has been absent from the family and yet has seemingly made no progress]. It is a continous cycle of shame, depression, recovery and shame.
This is my belief, speaking as a fellow male. His sentiments may be grounded on the belief that the man has to be the 'rock' of a family [i am making an assumption on his regular character]. As a man, sometimes there are things I don't want to talk about to my immediate family. However, if he has other male friends, they may provide the initial support and confidence for him to get back on his feet. He needs to discuss his feelings and thoughts, but at the present time I believe you would be more successful if he talked to one of his male friends or any other person he can trust outside of the family/ the people he believes he has failed [even a distant relative would do]
That would be my suggestion. Sorry if the post is long and didn't really provide a quick-fix solution. I hoped that I could explain some of your husband's behaviour, although this may not have been what you were looking for. An important thing, no matter how hard, is for the family to stay strong for him in this difficult time. I feel that if the family loses strength, then he will definetely feel like he has failed his family.
Best of luck
