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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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denise husband has depression wont get help has left
  • replies: 5

my husband of 32 yrs has severe depression, it came to a head in dec 2012 when he decided I must be the problem and he didn't know if he still loved me. tho in Feb 2012 we had renewed our wedding vows all set up by him, we had a great relationship ti... View more

my husband of 32 yrs has severe depression, it came to a head in dec 2012 when he decided I must be the problem and he didn't know if he still loved me. tho in Feb 2012 we had renewed our wedding vows all set up by him, we had a great relationship till this disease took him away.He said he needed to leave and to sort himself out, so he packed up his car and took off from queensland where we live to the banks of the river murry in Adelaide.Not only did he leave me but also his two adult children and his beautiful g/daughter whom he adored. He has been gone 9 mths now and he is still no where near to 'sorting himself out' he absolutely refuses help, we do have contact but more on his terms. He came home in Aug for 3 days and for a day we had a beautiful time but he still felt the need to go but he said our time together gave him hope for our future, but our contact has gone back to where it was before, he seems to be setting up a life down there but he is still very ill.His depression started after a major back operation, and he started to feel to feel useless and angry as he was in constant pain. I'm so worried that he will be like this for ever as hes not getting help. He has no light in his eyes anymore. i'm so confused and worried about him and his children miss him terribly but has limited contact with them also. I have great support and am seeing a councillor but its hard going, I love this man very much and want him home but most of all I want him to get well.

littleone I think Ive found the bottom of rock bottom
  • replies: 6

Hi, Im new here. I have tried to do deal with all of this depression stuff myself for a long time now but last night I had an epiphany... I was sobbing, feeling like I was drowning in my life problems as per usual, when a light bulb went off and I ha... View more

Hi, Im new here. I have tried to do deal with all of this depression stuff myself for a long time now but last night I had an epiphany... I was sobbing, feeling like I was drowning in my life problems as per usual, when a light bulb went off and I had the thought of " I now know why my grandfather committed suicide!" Ive had thoughts of committing suicide before but have never acted on them (mainly because of my dog who was my rock keeping me tethered to this world. I lost her last year to a horrible disease) Every part of my being says suicide isnt the way out but this time I am at a loss of where to turn to. I cant talk to any my family, my partner who used to be there for me is growing further and further away and I am scared of losing him if I do, I have no friends as I lost them in a messy breakup where they all chose to be on his side (he was a mental abuser and they still chose him...) Ive never felt this alone before. Anyway long story short... I know suicide isnt my answer and I need some help on where to start in getting help. Im drowning and dont know which direction to take... I think I just need to know Im not alone..

Georgie08 Loving someone with depression when you're not sure they love you
  • replies: 4

I've been with my partner for about 18 months now. We had been together for 4 months or so when he told me he has depression. I guess there had been some signs (becoming distant and reclusive) but as we live a couple of hours apart and would really o... View more

I've been with my partner for about 18 months now. We had been together for 4 months or so when he told me he has depression. I guess there had been some signs (becoming distant and reclusive) but as we live a couple of hours apart and would really only see each other on weekends it was difficult to really see what was going on. He has told me that he was diagnosed about 15 years ago and I think he has been on medication pretty much ever since. I don't know a lot of details as he is reluctant to talk about it and I don't want to push him. I know that at times it can be very bad and that he has had thoughts of suicide. I have not had much experience with depression and so have tried to read a lot of material and speak with a girlfriend who suffers from depression to get her thoughts on different things but it's clear that it is an illness that affects different people in many different ways so it's not always that helpful. I am very confused about it all because when we are together everything seems to be great. He is good at showing and telling me that he loves me and I feel positive about our future. The problem is when we're apart. We see each other most weekends and I travel to his town for work fairly regularly for a few days or a week at a time but on occasion for work or other reasons we don't see each other for 2-3 weeks. Twice during two particularly long periods of not seeing each other he has broken up with me, firstly in November last year and then around Easter this year. There has been some tension before that time (mainly due to his poor telephone communication and me needing more contact) but I wouldn't say that there were any issues that would warrant ending the relationship - particularly when we have had discussions about our long term future including marriage and children. Each of the times he has broken up with me it has been over the telephone. Because of the distance we haven't been able to see each other for a few days or more but when we did finally seen each other again he told me how stupid he had been, how low he had been feeling and that he had made a huge mistake. Each time it has broken my heart but I've accepted his depression as being a major factor in him pushing me away and I haven't wanted to walk away from an otherwise great relationship. The second time it happened (around Easter) was actually shortly before I was due to move to his town to live with him. We had discussed this many times and had agreed that it was the best way to move our relationship forward. I had arranged this with my work and having to go back on all of these plans was very difficult and, to be honest, quite humiliating. I have since decided that I am not moving to be with him until I feel some more security and certainty in our relationship. The other day I found out he had been looking at girls (on Facebook) in his local area through a social networking group he belongs to in his town. I asked him what that was all about and he said that one night he was feeling really low and began thinking that something in his life had to change, which is the explanation he has previously given in breaking up with me. He thought that maybe what he needed to change in his life was me, because if I was the right person for him then having me in his life should stop him from feeling so low. And so he looked up these girls effectively to see what was out there. He told me it was a moment of weakness and that when he doesn't feel like he can love himself he cannot love me either. I'm not sure when he did this but it was in the last couple of months when I actually thought everything was going really well - we had been talking about getting engaged. He told me he had not contacted any of them and that it was just one night of him feeling really negative about us so, sitting on the computer, he looked them up. My previous relationship was emotionally and on a few occasions physically abusive. I am a 34 year old professional woman who likes to think that she's not stupid and yet I have now found myself in two relationships with some very unhealthy aspects. I am worried that I am attributing these issues in my current relationship to my partner's depression when it could really be that 'he's just not that into me'. I have not previously been in any way concerned about his fidelity. He has never cheated on a partner and since his marriage ended 8 years ago I am the longest relationship he has had. I have met his sister when we travelled interstate to visit her and her family and we're again travelling interstate to spend Christmas with her and the rest of his family. In so many ways he seems committed to me but it scares me how quickly it seems to be able to change, lose any sense of his love for me and start looking at alternatives. I know that I am the only one who can decide what to do but I really need some advice and information. I keep thinking that once we can actually be together 'full time' then may this will all get better because the distance and time apart seems to be a significant factor in all of this. Could his behaviour/reactions be in any way connected to his depression or am I just kidding myself?

TheHubby My wife is pregnant and suffering
  • replies: 3

Hello I hope someone can give me advice. My wife doesn't know i am writing on here but I am in desperate need. She is 36 weeks pregnant and 4 weeks ago she started suffering anxiety which in the last 2 weeks has become depression. All she has is nega... View more

Hello I hope someone can give me advice. My wife doesn't know i am writing on here but I am in desperate need. She is 36 weeks pregnant and 4 weeks ago she started suffering anxiety which in the last 2 weeks has become depression. All she has is negative thoughts and believes she will never get passed this (even though she did have anxiety and depression about 8 years ago and got through it fine). she wants to give up and run away and this has completely taken over our happiness in having our first child. She hasn't been able to sleep which was also another major cause i believe. The doctor last week prescribed a low dosage of anti-depressants. She is on sleeping tablets as well. I am worried that all this stress will be harmful to the baby. I hope the medication doesn't effect the baby either but i trust in the doctors. I am doing my best to reassure her that the treatment will work but she can't seem to get rid of all the negative thoughts and believes nothing will work. She is really sensitive and I have to be careful with what i say around her to not send any fear. Fear is the major thing here. she first feared she would get depression after anti-natal classes spoke a little on it. then in turn it created anxiety which in turn created this. I just need reassurance myself that she'll get through this and that the baby will be fine. What can I do? just hang in there? what if this doesn't go away by the time baby has arrived? btw she is having an elected ceaser.

Jo3 Don't understand my husband
  • replies: 7

I just don't understand my husband. Today he told me that it is my problem in seeing a psych not his. I have been seeing a psych for the last 3 yrs for childhood sexual abuse, depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder. I understand that... View more

I just don't understand my husband. Today he told me that it is my problem in seeing a psych not his. I have been seeing a psych for the last 3 yrs for childhood sexual abuse, depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder. I understand that I am the one with all these issues but being married for 27 yrs I thought he would at least want to know more about how he could help me but instead he is staying away from any therapy sessions at all. I've even tried to get him to read information on what I'm suffering but he won't read any of it. So I am at a loss as to what to do. I am really angry and can't understand him saying that to me. I thought he was understanding but obviously I was wrong. I now feel so isolated and abandoned by yet another person in my life. My parents abandoned me 3 yrs ago when i told them of my abuse. I don't know what to think anymore. Borderline personality disorder is crap, i hate it and i can't cope with it. Everything feels too much at times and it's hard when my husband says something like this. He won't come to any sessions because now he obviously thinks I;m the one with the problem - not him. It's not my fault that I was abused; or that I am suffering depression; or that I have BPD. It is so difficult when my emotions are at an extreme level, very high. And it takes time for my emotions to come back down. And this is because of BPD sufferers. At the moment I feel like giving up but part of me says no even though a huge part says yes just go away. Does anyone have any advice on what I could do? Jo

laureah21 Urgent help, Please!
  • replies: 7

Hi everyone, I am hoping you can help me as I am not sure what to do. My wonderful caring fiance who has helped me overcome my own anxiety problems has dropped into a extremely DEEP depresion himself in the last two weeks. It is 24 hours a day. He go... View more

Hi everyone, I am hoping you can help me as I am not sure what to do. My wonderful caring fiance who has helped me overcome my own anxiety problems has dropped into a extremely DEEP depresion himself in the last two weeks. It is 24 hours a day. He goes from being very quiet and not getting out of bed, to not letting me leave his side. I have worried he might do somethng silly as he keeps sending me strange text messages about how I will be better off without him and I deserve more and then switching his phone off. He has become extremely jealous of my PAST, even though I don't really have a past of any significance. Just the normal amount of ex boyfriends. He is bringing up things I said 10 years ago about my uni life, and the other day insisted on knowing how many people I have slept with. He tells me he knows he is being unfair but says these old conversations we have had keep popping up in his brain making him really jealous and irrational. I am trying to be supportive but it is hard when you feel you are being attacked morally! I have asked him to see a therapist, I finally managed to get him to see a Dr yesterday but all they did was give him medication and send him on his way. I just recieved an email from him saying he was going to go and live with his mum for awhile We only got engaged in January after 10 happy years. He had a hard childhood, with his Dad leaving and taking the money out of there piggy banks ont the way out, but this week he has told me that there are horrible thigs he has never told anyone about his past. That scared me and made me feel really protective, but I feel it is way over my head and he needs professional help. I have talked him to seeing my Clinical psych for a couples meeting as I am hoping he can build confidence to see someone by himself. I really love him and don't want to leave but he is pushing me away.... feel like I am hanging on to our relationship for grim death. I also have feelings of guilt thinking how much easier it would be to walk away and give him what he wants.... I don't want that though, I want our relationship back. Does anyone have any ideas what could help him? thanks

brandy16 12 Year old with GAD. Help!
  • replies: 2

Hi, my 12 year old step daughter has recently been diagnosed with autism and severe generalised anxiety disorder. She won't go to school as she has panic attacks and feels anxious leaving her mother. Her education is severely suffering and I'm worrie... View more

Hi, my 12 year old step daughter has recently been diagnosed with autism and severe generalised anxiety disorder. She won't go to school as she has panic attacks and feels anxious leaving her mother. Her education is severely suffering and I'm worried she will be held back which will make her anxiety worse. I am trying to find support for her. I have suffered from anxiety myself so I do understand how she is feeling but I am so worried that if help is not found for her she will just get worse and not be able to enjoy her teens. Thanks

missgiggles How to act when around a good friend with anxiety
  • replies: 1

Hello, I have a friend that has social anxiety, depression and a whole range of emotional issues due to a very traumatic, terrifying past. She confides in me and she says that telling me really helped. We are extremely close, she is like a sister. We... View more

Hello, I have a friend that has social anxiety, depression and a whole range of emotional issues due to a very traumatic, terrifying past. She confides in me and she says that telling me really helped. We are extremely close, she is like a sister. We have decided to have regular catch-ups with just us two, as she is more comfortable one-on-one (as am I). She is a very strong person and still attends parties with our friends (We're at the age where all our friends are getting married), but she tends to leave early, when she can feel an anxiety attack coming on. I am not very good with words and I know that I can unintentionally "put my foot in it". I am just wondering if there is any advice people can give me on how to keep her comfortable when she is around me. Or how to best support her when we do go to parties. For those of you with social anxiety, is there anything that has upset you that a friend or family member has done? or is there anything that someone has done that has helped? Another issue is that I have a new baby, and I know she has been trying to get pregnant for a long time. Will the fact that I have had a miscarriage and had trouble conceiving too help her to deal with me having a baby? She seems very happy cuddling my baby, but it might just be her putting on a strong front. Please help, I really want to help my friend through this terrible time. -missgiggles

Hippybrad Wife
  • replies: 3

My wife has commenced taking an antidepressant and benzodiazepine medication. Her gp agrees she has anxiety and depression. She is suffering due to her children deciding to live with their dad and it's like they just disappeared from our lives as if ... View more

My wife has commenced taking an antidepressant and benzodiazepine medication. Her gp agrees she has anxiety and depression. She is suffering due to her children deciding to live with their dad and it's like they just disappeared from our lives as if there was a car accident. She was so fit and healthy until 3 months ago and now it's like she has given up even going outside.She is doing well with our toddler. I know I'm not allowed to suggest, encourage or make her do anything but I'm struggling with what I can do. She won't go to counselling. Her last episode was about 9 years ago before we were together and she was raising the kids with her then partner. I'm realising myself now that I should have spent more time making friends and less time making money because I have no one to share this with. Any ideas on what I should do to get her to talk to a professional?

xtragrouse How can I help my wife
  • replies: 2

My wife became depressed a few years ago after discovering that her elderly father had done something deceitful and tricked her into helping. Previously she had trusted and looked up to her father. Her mother (now dead) did her best to bring her up c... View more

My wife became depressed a few years ago after discovering that her elderly father had done something deceitful and tricked her into helping. Previously she had trusted and looked up to her father. Her mother (now dead) did her best to bring her up correctly but made the mistake of using negative tactics rather than praise and support. She is on anti-depressants and has seen a psychologist in the past. She is not seeing one now. My problem is that I don't know how to help. Everything I say seems to be wrong. For example, I tried to tell her that her father did what he did because he was in the early stages of dementia and he would not have done it if the circumstances had arisen a few years earlier. This just seems to undermine her own self esteem. She won't believe her father has dementia and thinks he is just a pigheaded, selfish old man.