not me but my husband

[Yobes]

ok, so its not me that is suffering but my husband.  I just dont know what to do anymore.  It seems I am to blame for my husbands depression.  I suppose I have not been as supportive as I should have been but I not only have him to worry about.  My parents are both unwell and my mother is in a nursing home.  Not trying to make excuses just saying how it is.

My husband no longer goes out and when I ask him to come he tells me its out of some sort of obligation.  His doctor said there should be no more "babying" and he needs to join the world again.  I cant see why I need to stay at home as well.  Is the wrong? Sounds selfish I know.  But what else do you do? 

We havent had a good year this year.  Both of us have changed and things cannot go back to the way they were.  Although my husband would like that.  It just wont be the same.

How do you get someone to talk to you if they think your not interested?  Im in a no win situation.  If he talks, he says im not interested. If I dont ask, Im not interested

He has googled how to kill himself.  And when I questioned him about it, he told me to mind my own business.  He has talked about leaving home and Im at the stage that if he wants to go, then go.

Im tired and emotionally drained.

Depression is hard on everyone.

 What do I do?  Am I being too selfish?  Should I stay home all the time as well?

Got any suggestions

[Caveman]

Hi Yobes

Wow, you sound like you could be my wife. 

I struggle with depression (although I don't blame my wife for it) and she also has one of her parents in a home. Like your husband, I also get the impression that I have passed my "use by date" although its probably not the reality of what my wife thinks. In truth, I think that we change our behaviour towards each other as we get older and we don't realise it. I'd love to do a proper study of this one day but, from my observations, most women seem to refocus their energies later in live to the practicalities of running a household / family and the husband often finds himself on the fringe. I think women tend to make the transition very quickly when they have children (out of necessity) while men take longer to get their heads around the fact that this is now a new reality.

I'm not a psychologist or anything like that. This is just the theory I have developed based upon my own experiences and things that my mates have told me about their lives. We all need to feel a sense of worth and my theory is that men and women often draw that sense of worth from different things. Having a family for many (not all) women seems to provide this, but for most men its not the same. Women actually give men a great sense of worth, but when they are otherwise occupied, men feel like they are just doing a duty rather than actually doing something of value for the family. Men also get a fair bit of their sense of worth from their occupation, but for many of us, even if we have lots of qualifications and relevant experience (as I do), its not always that fulfilling.

I don't think you should think you are selfish... we are all basically selfish. I would suggest that you find a professional who can help you both better understand where you are at in life and how you can deal with these things a bit better.

Personally, I'd love my own wife to have a more rounded view of things, but I expect she would snap at me if I even dared suggest something like this.

Who knows!! Maybe you ARE my wife and this is a great way to get my own issues sorted!!

All the best

Caveman

[geoff]

dear Yobes, this is a very strong matter that you have to deal with, if you want to.

When a married couple or a long relationship develops and one of the partners unfortunately gets depression, then this puts enormous pressure on the person who hasn't got this illness, because there never seems to be any satisfaction and the lack of communication dwindles away, and no common ground can be found.

So the question remains who is at fault, well, no one, the person with depression struggles with life and their own existence, facing all the demons and their negativity in life, while the other also struggles on how to even begin to help them, and asking the question why.

I don't believe at all that you have caused his depression, because if he was unhappy then he would have moved out already, but he hasn't, and now criticising you for getting this illness, so we have to be fair about all of this.

I was in the same situation as the both of you are in now, but I didn't blame her for my depression, I could have blamed her, but that would just be an excuse and not justified.

While he is depressed and whether or not he is receiving any professional help, nothing will be agreed upon, so this makes the situation difficult, and if he truly wants to leave then you won't have any chose but let him go, however most depressed people stay at home because that's their only security, so it's now a hard call.

You now have your life to live, so it's important that you do what you want to do, and that's what my ex did, she didn't feel as though staying home with me would achieve anything, and personally I wanted to be by myself, with no one there checking on me.

You need to rebuild your own life, and this is irrespective of how your husband is feeling, because it's you that has sent in this post, so we have to honour a reply back to you.. L Geoff. x

[Yobes]

Thank you for your reply.

No Caveman, Im not your wife but it appears that Im not the only one out there that thinks the same. 

Good luck to you

xxx

[Yobes]

Thanks Geoff for your reply.

I am now taking my life into my own hands.  If he decides to come out with me then great, if not will then thats fine too.  

In the past week or so he has been a little better and we did visit some friends but of course he had things to say about them.  Oh well.  I feel like im on  roller coaster up and down. I seem to wait for the next time he is down.

I will be doing what I want I suppose and trying not to feel to guilty.

Thanks again

xx

[dare2diva]

Oh Yobes. I feel for you.

My ex fiance also suffered from depression. I have Bipolar I. He would sleep all day, stay up all night, not go to work, not do anything unless he wanted to like if the 4WD club had an outing going on. I not only had to take care of my mental health but I felt obliged to take care of his too. In the end, I just had to say, I am not doing it any more. It is about time you took responsibility for your mental health. I will be here when you need me but I am not doing it on my own anymore. We broke up because of his cheating and not the depression.

There comes a time when you have to say enough is enough. It isn't healthy for either of you for you to be taking charge of his mental health. I hate the old 'pull your socks up and get on with it' but there is some truth to it. As somebody with mental health, I know you have to find the smallest bit of energy, motivation and take charge. The best thing you can do is say 'tomorrow I'm leaving at ... to go ... and I'd like you to come with me'. Then when it is almost time to go, give 1 reminder and that is it. If he doesn't come along, so be it. You tried but he made the decision. Every decision he makes will take him closer or further away from beating this thing.

Good luck but don't blame yourself. You are obviously doing an amazing job looking after your parents and dealing with your husband. Go and do something nice for yourself. A manicure, massage, walk in the park, a coffee in the peace and quiet. You deserve it.

T