Caring partner looking for some support

[Smilesy]

Hey all! These forums are amazing. I've been snooping around a little and within 15 minutes of reading I instantly felt better about my situation and realised I'm not alone - so awesome! I'll introduce myself. I'm a 27 year old mum of three. My husband who is 35 suffers from chronic depression. He is a stay at home dad with the three kids and I work full time in a fab job and am also finishing off the last parts of a law degree. I love my husband very much but as a lot of you would understand, living with somebody who has depression can be extremely difficult. I have come here to these forums to seek advice and support from others who support a spouse/partner with depression and gain insight from those suffering so I can support my husband and help him manage (or even better - overcome!) his illness.

I've downloaded all the resources from the BB website and they have been very helpful in the past. Nice to meet you all and thanks again for just being here 🙂

Smilesy.

[White_Rose]

Dear Smilesy

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. It's hard work at times to help and support a partner who has depression, and I applaud your decision.

I presume your husband has the usual supports in place such as medication and possibly a psychologist or similar. I may be repeating some things you already do, so please forgive if this is the case. I am not a carer so I can only speaker from my point of view as a person with depression. I would want someone to ask me what does and doesn't help. I would like to be able to say I was having a really bad day without making my partner feel guilty or under pressure in some way. For example, I would not expect my partner to take a day off work to look after me because I felt miserable. I would expect understanding if I was unable to do all the things expected that day.

I would like to think I would care for my children properly and get them to school or whatever, but I may not do the washing up, because some days it is all too much. Having re-read that last sentence I realise I make it appear I would expect you to come home and do all the chores. That's not the idea. Just would like you to accept that some days it really is a problem

I am finding this a hard topic to answer because I live on my own so when I am unable to do something it just gets left to the next day. But living with other people is different. I expect you have reasonable expectations of the house being clean and tidy etc. Maybe you can talk about this if it is a problem. It's easier to talk on good days.

I get out of my house a lot. I think encouraging your husband to do some exercise is important and there is a lots of evidence of the benefits for mental health. Like any couple I expect you have divided up the management of the household. Make sure these tasks are suitable for the role of each of you. E.g. he cooks meals.

I keep going back to talking because this is an essential part of any marriage and when one partner has problems, talking keeps you together.

A comment often made on BB is that unless you have had depression you cannot understand the way the Black Dog operates. I think this generally true although people who love each other are often able to tune in so to speak with the mood of their partner. The biggest suggestion I have is to accept him as he is, because no one chooses to be depressed. On bad days you may wonder why you married him. Please remember he is still the person you fell in love with.

I hope that helps.

Mary

[Smilesy]

Thanks a lot Mary. It is much appreciated. I really try my best to make sure he gets enough rest etc. We are both pretty relaxed when it comes to house work/chores etc. I guess I just more struggle with the negativity/pessimism. I know its the depression talking as there is no reason for him to feel depressed (ie - his circumstances are pretty fabulous). He isn't under any stress in relation to money or work etc and our kids adore him. He is also a fantastic, loving father. I really am blessed. I do make sure to ask him if he needs me to do anything so he doesn't feel pressure to meet a standard. He exercises every second day and that definitely helps and he is on medication which seems to have helped (although now I'm wondering if he has built up a tolerance). I often find I keep feelings to myself about how I feel so as not to make him feel guilty or anxious about his condition but by the same token I would love for him to know how I feel so he could understand a little also. I want him to be able to trust me when I tell him he is seeming more down than usual, or more anxious or whatever but I'm not sure how to say it without it causing more issues for him if you know what I mean. The other thing I struggle with is how much he can get caught up in his own world. It often seems as though nobody else exists and he is walking around completely lost in his own foggy thoughts. He struggles to be aware of others and their feelings (mainly mine). Is this a symptom of the depression or perhaps something to do with the medication? I have encouraged him to take up some study and he is now learning a language (one subject a semester so very low study load so as not to cause stress) but he can struggle to remember things sometimes which stresses him a little. Do you think the medication might be causing this kind of thing (he never used to be like this - he won awards for his previous engineering course so he is definitely a very clever cookie!).

Any insight is greatly appreciated...cheers.

[White_Rose]

Hello Smilesy

A word or two about a couple of your comments.

Depression has many facets and not all people experience all symptoms. You have commented on your husband's poor memory which is a very common symptom of depression. No idea why but the brain seems to go into lock-down at times, keeping information inside or not allowing information to get in. Either way it is frustrating.

It is a good idea to talk to him about the things that trouble you. Depression doesn't mean the person has no responsibilities. He goes to work, it's different only in that his work is in the home, not in an office or other workplace. It is good that he has enrolled in a uni course and if he can stay 'present' in class then he stay present to you. Choose a time when he is more accessible and sit him down for a chat. Short pieces of information to start with, but he needs to be part of the family to help him recover.

I can't find in your posts any mention of him seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist/counsellor or similar. Does he have help from a professional person? If medication is causing him to act as though no one else exists, it seems to me he needs a change of medication. Drifting around in his own world may be very pleasant for him but is unlikely to help him get rid of the depression. After all, where's the incentive. It may be the medication but it may also be his way of leaving everything to someone else, which is unhelpful and unfair. Perhaps you can have a word with whoever is prescribing meds for him.

Let me know how you are going.

Mary

[Carmela]

Hi Smilesy,

Don't forget about you. We can easily get caught up in our spouses mental illness, working, children etc and forget that you need time out too. Are you aware that there are not for profit groups who provided services to carers? There are three great services who provide seminars, workshops, support groups, counselling and other support services that can really help get clarification on mental illness matters and your own wellness. They are: 'Mind Australia', 'Carers Australia' and 'Mental Health Carers ARAFMI Australia'. Google for their details and check out if any of it can help you.

Carmela