Struggling Supportive Family Member

Maggie_Ann · ‎29-03-2016

Yes the title sums it up for me, I feel hopeless/helpless to support my niece anymore. My niece has been battling depression for years now, in and out of mental health units of hospital, failed marriage and she is the mother of 2 young school age kids that she cares for fulltime (well until 2 weeks ago). As a family, we have banded together to give support in every way that we know how, but it only works when my niece is willing, which is not often enough, you see, she decided to go cold turkey off her meds because she was gaining weight without doctor consultation or discussion with family. Her decision to do so has landed her back in hospital again, and we (the family) were not notified until 2 weeks after the fact. Yes I know this sounds strange, but with regular contact from family and friends, she kept saying that "all was going well". I'm guessing that she advised the medical staff not to contact us?, whatever her reasons, as a supportive family, we are now all experiencing our own anxieties, frustrations and sadness, especially when there are 2 young children concerned. My sister (nieces mother) is not sleeping due to excess worry over the current situation. We all feel like taking an almighty step back from her.......we know in our hearts that this is not the answer. :-{

trustlife · ‎30-03-2016

It's completely understandable that you want to step back but your heart is correct, it is not the answer.

Are you and your sister on exactly the same page as I get the impression you are both on your own track of worry. Understandable but if that is the case then your first strategy is to form a tight relationship that's jointly focussed on resolving this.

The fact that your niece is 'willing' sometimes indicates that she does know what's going on and more importantly feels the need for a change. If she decided to keep her latest hospital visit to herself then we can probably assume there's a bit of shame and frustration in the equation also. I assume she loves her children I assume Dad is not around.

Can you and your sister get her booked into a facility where she can get professional help. Make a big deal of it (it's not just a visit to a counsellor) but the children will sleep over with you and or your sister while she gets the help she needs. While in hospital is the time to strike. What happened to the children when she was admitted? How was it all planned? The pre-meditation is a concern hence the need to ensure it doesn't happen again. Her decision to go cold turkey on meds needs to be addressed also.

Focus on the children because it will be good for you. Come up with a plan with your sister and you will both start to feel a change (which your niece will sense immediately) and with the right help you will have new eyes to see the dawn. You will feel better.

Maggie_Ann · ‎30-03-2016

Hello Trustlifes, thank you for responding. Yes we are all on the same page with my niece. I will try my best to answer your questions: This is not the first time that my niece has landed herself in mental health care unit.....we as a family, have come to the conclusion that it has become a cycle (yes this not the first time) with my niece and most likely due to the fact of going off her meds. Yes my niece does receive professional help and attends counselling sessions regularly. We are shocked that she did not reach out to us but instead chose to speak with another mother at same school as where nieces children attend. This mother was very concerned (we do not know as to what was said to her), concerned enough to call Department of Children Services regarding the welfare of my nieces children. DOCS arrived at the school and removed both children, they then went to my nieces house where they found her in an emotional mess, got her to pack a bag, and then took her to mental health unit. The father of the kids was contacted, he was not available to pick up the kids for 48hrs, so it was arranged for the fathers brother to care for the kids till he was able to pick them up, which he did. The father has been caring for the kids for the past 3 weeks whilst my niece is still in mental health unit. The father will not allow my niece any contact whatsoever with the children, not even a phone call and has told my niece that he will not be bringing the kids to see her in hospital but is happy enough to bring the kids back to her when she is able to come home. We do not know where he has taken the kids, he will not tell anyone however, we do know that he is still in the area as the kids have been attending school. As there is no legal documentation concerning who is sole carer for the kids, we are unable to see or talk to them as the father will not allow it.......it's crazy and heartbreaking! Also, the father wrote my niece a letter, the doctor read it first before handing it to my niece, in which he stated that my niece was mentally unfit to care for the children, but here is the breaker {as mentioned above}, she can have them back when she gets home? The father of the kids has been in a new relationship for approximately 2yrs that I know of but, his new girlfriend will not allow the kids to stay over at their home!

😞

trustlife · ‎31-03-2016

That makes it clearer, not necessarily better but clearer. I can understand your shock hearing about it from someone else. Sometimes that a cry for help where your niece knows it will get to you. With DOCS involved they will play it strictly by the book so let's leave the children aside for the moment. You don't need their fathers reluctance to co-operate in the equation either. Unfortunate, but you'll be wasting your time chasing that one at the moment.

If we could get your niece to wake up, all your problems would probably be solved pretty much overnight. So how do we get her to wake up? You mentioned that sometimes she is willing. There's your precious window. You must focus on that (with the endorsement of her carers) and as soon as you have it she needs to see the disruption she's causing. I promise you, she does not see it at present. Can your sister (as her mother) arrange for a session with professional help to get her commitment to stay on the meds. Take her and the children away for a 'trial period' to some country retreat so as a family you can all have a break and slowly and gently talk it through. See what her doctor suggests with this. The bottom line though, is you need to do something other then the panic and worry in your mind at present.

Maggie_Ann · ‎31-03-2016

Oh we have done exactly that in the past, taken her and the kids off for a break.....each time she lasts a few days and takes off. I agree that there must be a trigger to get her to wake up...it's finding it that is eluding us, she has committed to remain on medication in the past. A friend of the family called into the hospital, just recently, to visit with my niece. Our friend was having a chat with medical staff in the hallway when my niece quietly walked around the corner of the corridor, and on seeing family friend, raced back to her room screaming and yelling, writhing on her bed screaming that she would be better off dead. The medical staff asked our friend if she thought that nieces behaviour was a cry for attention.......it could well be but we just don't know anymore. I will be driving up tomorrow to visit, I live 3hrs away and my sister lives 10hrs away from my niece. If she starts to kick and scream and carry on, I will leave but not before I can talk with her attending doctor. I agree that we need to do something.

trustlife · ‎31-03-2016

Best of luck with your visit. Just a final suggestion. To ram the message home I suggest you position it at the highest level possible. For example do not ask her to commit to just avoiding hospital, or agreeing to the medication. Implore her to understand that this is the moment where her whole life switches around for the better, then all the little things will fall into place. Again, don't mention any little things. Still talking at a high level ask her if she agrees with you both. I expect she will, then say, "So this is the vital moment now (state her name), where we all agree and promise to let the healing change commence. It starts right now, agreed?" What your doing is reinforcing the decision with no emotion in your voice. Act like you are the CEO of a major corporation and you want someone to commit to getting a job done. You don't say this, but that's what your attitude should be. If you rehearse it with your sister you may get a pleasant surprise when you approach her. Firm but very gentle. She's a frightened puppy. Comfort and show her how to steer away from danger. Have a safe trip and hope it works out extremely well.