Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Lost for direction

replies: 10

Good Morning. My husband of 23 years is suffering from PTSD and dysthia following several significant negative events in his life over recent years. He has always been a quiet gentle man and was initially diagnosed 4 years ago after significant health problems and an event that had a significant impact on our marriage due to us both handling our emotions surrounding this in different ways - he didn't acknowledge this diagnosis but fought his way out of a very dark depression without medication or psych involvement...we separated For 4 months but when we reconciled our relationship was stronger than ever. Loving, kind, supportive.....everything I wanted. He had said for some time that he was happy with "us "but just not within himself - he had valid reasons and declined the necessity for medical support. I have always accepted him for who he is- he has become someone who appears content and enjoys the simple life. I'm pretty outgoing and have always enjoyed a sense of adventure .....sometimes he shares this, others he doesn't but has never restricted me. One day 6 months ago he announced that he no longer wants to be married. He wants to find himself. It was a complete and utter shock. I then discovered flirtatious messages to an old flame overseas from his teenage years.....he said nothing was ever going to happen... he was just looking for some excitement. He moved out.....he kept insisting that I deserved better than him and would be happier without him. He was pushing me away. He still doesn't live at home, he is now on medication and seeing a psychiatrist (early days) . He has been off work for 5 months and just signed off for 6 more. I see glimmers of the kind loving gentle man but generally I feel used and abused. He comes to the house to use the computer, asks me to help him with difficult conversations with work etc but other than that I get negativity. Everything is negative. He says he is hoping for a reconciliation in the future but makes zero effort. I say the slightest thing wrong and he attacks. He never asks about me. I have always been a positive tenacious person. I love deeply and passionately but this is wearing me down. I still love him and want to support him - I can't walk away .....or won't. I just need a glimmer of hope to keep me going. Has anyone got ANY advice please? He had sudden cardiac arrest which I resuscitated him from, a car accident and was assaulted in an unprovoked attack 12 months ago.

Depressed mum and early dementia dad

replies: 6

I'd like some advice as I have no one to talk to. My parents have been married for fifty years and have never really got along but stayed together in a loveless marriage. My father is emotionally abusive and mum puts up with it. Now in their eighties he has increased his abuse and lives like a pig. Mum used to clean up after him but has stopped in the last six months so the house is filthy to the point he tried to fix the toilet and couldn't so they have been without one for a couple of weeks as he won't let anyone in to fix things. He ended up in hospital this week after a heart issue and became confused and even escaped. he has improved but is still giving her a hard time. All she says to me is "I give up". She doesn't want him home but feels guilty if he goes into care because she is taking his life away. Short term memory is the issue and he has been known to leave the stove on and forget. I see him when I'm at mums but he hasn't spoken to me for 10 years or his grand kids either. He is a bitter man with alot of hate. My question is, do I keep him out of the home for mums sake and let her have some quality of life in her last years or do I take pity on him and let him home and it all goes back to the way it was because its so ingrained in him. He shakes his fist at her and swears at her. Either way one of them will be miserable. Mum is not the bubbly person she used to be. She is tired all the time, not cleaning or cooking or looking after herself and I know she feels guilt and is scared. She is depressed and my depression is getting worse because of all this. There is no one but me to sort this out. Please help.

I don't know how to help.

replies: 3

Tonight my partner admitted to me that he has major depression. He has been medicated before, but won't go on medication again as it made him feel "numb". He has also seen psychologists but said it doesn't help. He says no matter what he is doing, at any point in the day, there is always something there bothering him. Keeping busy helps keep it at bay, but it has gotten to the point where he is burning himself out keeping so busy. He is up til 2 or 3am every night catching up on work or writing songs. Then he works 9am til 5pm, comes home, sleeps for 2 hours or so and stays up late again. He has days where he won't even talk to me. At all. He calls these his "moods". He will look at me when I speak to him, and either grunt or look away and play with his phone (which I think is another of his "keeping busy" tactics, though it is becoming a problem as he is on it for around 4 hours a day, and will ignore me in favor of it) He recently admitted to me that when he was young he did a small stint in jail (6 months I believe), and while there, he was beaten and raped more than once. He also has tourettes, which, from what I have read, can also be physically draining (he can't sit still for longer than about 30 seconds. His tics are moving his arms, fingers, eyes, mouth, stomach muscles, waving one arm, and the occasional sound, but mostly muscular) He is also unmedicated for this, and it is getting progressively worse. 2 years ago he also had brain cancer, but thankfully cancer free now) I am struggling with how to help him. He has been through so much and almost refuses to talk about it. He will just curl up in bed and stare at the walls. I offer help, but he says he has tried everything and this is just "who he is". I offered to listen but he won't talk about it much. He is like this for most of the week, and it is taking it's toll on me and our relationship. He "hid" it from me for quite a while, but as his life became more stressful, he was unable to hide it anymore. Please help! What can I do?

My depressed husband is in love with someone else

replies: 7

My husband and I began to have troubles when he began withdrawing from me. We have had numerous discussions where he has told me he feels numb and can't work out how to feel about me or his life anymore. Recently he has began seeing a counsellor and begun taking medication. Since then he has admitted to having feelings for an ex of his he has only just begun talking to again after 15 years of no communication. I feel that he wouldn't be doing it if he wasn't having all these other feelings and I am not sure how to deal with it. I want to support him -because I know that the person he is right now is not the man I've lived with for almost 12 years - but it's hard to know that he chooses her every day over me. He's told me he won't stop. I feel like I should separate from him because essentially he is cheating on me - but I also feel that I need to support him because this isn't a normal situation. We have two young children and are isolated from friends and family and have work commitments. Even if we were to separate - neither of us can physically leave the house and I'm worried that he'll give up all together. I still love him and want to get through this, but I don't know if I'm being clouded by delusion that it's just his illness.

looking for support

replies: 3

hi, I am struggling to cope with my 17 year old daughters severe depression, recent suicide attempt, refusal to attend school and general breakdown in our relationship...feeling like a useless parent, but looking forward to hearing and sharing storie... View more

Husband is depressed, I am struggling to cope

replies: 7

Hi all My husband and I have been together 9 years and we have a 7 year old daughter. He has had medication for depression the whole time. He refuses to talk to any one about it. He is a stay at home dad and I work to support us. He is very cynical, moody, negative, unmotivated to do anything, even stuff he likes. I come home and have to clean up and Cook, take care of our daughter, and he can't even say "how was your day?" He goes straight into all the things wrong in the day. We have slept in separate rooms for 6 years and haven't been intimate since our daughter was born. I know a lot of it is the depression but I am struggling myself now to cope. I find myself not wanting to go home. My work suffers because my mind is elsewhere. I feel like I want the relationship to end but I know he doesn't mean to be like this. I just feel so alone, like my friend has gone. He spends all his time on Facebook or the computer. I can't open up to him at all anymore because he doesn't hear it or he walks away or it'll start an argument. I drove a friend to the airport and he said I embarrassed him in front of her.I asked her later if I did and she had no idea what I could have said. I want to help. I want to be there for him. He is a good man. But I have lost the bright happy person I was and I want her back too before I hurt myself irreparably. Thanks for reading my friends

New, struggling with partner, seems a common story!

replies: 2

Hi everyone. I really want to support my partner and am struggling like most others on this forum. We have been together 4 years. Initially it was this amazing, whirlwind romance, with periodic angry outbursts from him. There were broken promises about marriage and moving in together, and from there things declined but I don't think because of them. My partner says he was 'born with a dark soul' and has battled depression his whole life. When he comes to visit my children and I, he spends most of his time in the bedroom except for meals and TV yet he says he loves my children and loves being around them. Recently his daughter moved out from home under very happy circumstances. It seems to have sent him into a deeper depression. He is super smart and used to hold a very senior role; now he struggles to make basic decisions like what to have for dinner, He has been on and off anti depressants for the past 12 months - they seem to curb the anger but not help with the depression. There is no intimacy. No kissing beyond a cheek peck, no sex so I'm trying not to feel physically rejected which is difficult as my ex husband suffered depression so rarely initiated sex. I really struggle with a sense of not being good enough or attractive etc yet logically I know that I am fit and fun in bed. i would love any advice about how I can maintain my energy and support him lovingly I have taken to socialising a lot with friends and colleagues to get the positive interaction that I crave, but this makes him angry because I am not spending time with him and helping him with his loneliness since his daughter moved out Many thanks in advance

carer advice

replies: 1

Hi, I have a 23 year old son and he has been diagnosed with OCD which is work related anxiety. Does anyone have any advice on how to not take on his anxiety when I myself have an anxiety disorder. I love him so much and want to help but cant help if I run myself down. He is seeing a pyschologist in 6 weeks and noone else that he can talk to but myself. I cant turn my back on him. Regards Tracy

New and struggling

replies: 2

Hi i am now at a point where I need to talk but don't know who to talk too. So my husband has depression and has good days and bad. he then starts drinking to much which is hard to deal with when I work full-time. I then have a sister who has attempted suicide and also gone missing on a few occasions but will not get help this puts stress on my mother who doesn't know what to do so she calls me and I try to help her. Then there is me my anxiety is impacting my health I am sad and going to work is a nightmare due to being spoken to like dirt with no respect. I am feeling sad teary and anxious on edge at work and now I don't know what to do.. I don't know how to cope. I am on medication for anxiety but have had 2 panic attacks recently

Needing help to cope with my depressed/ anxious partner!

replies: 15

Hi all, I am new to the BeyondBlue online community and am in some need of advice and support to know how to cope with my depressed and anxious partner. I am a new mother, have recently gone back to work on casual hours and do not have contact with family and have very limited friends who understand exactly what I am going through. As of late my partners depression and anxiety has taken a really bad turn and it is beginning to affect our relationship in a not so good way. I am trying to be as supportive and understanding as I possibly can but I feel myself becoming frustrated, distant and just down right exhausted. We have begun arguing nearly every day now and I am not sure how much longer I can put up with living in this kind of environment. I understand it is the illness that is making him behave in ways he would normally never dream of behaving, but the name calling, the snide comments are definitely taking a major hit on my emotional wellbeing. I feel as if I am raising our son on my own, I get very little help because he always seem to be run down, tired or be in some sort of pain. I understand his work is very demanding and I try to be as lenient as I possibly can, but when he sits there and says that I am home all day and have plenty of time to rest because all I do is 'watch our son' I automatically see red! I am not sure he understands exactly what it is like to be at home all day with a teething, sick baby who has not slept at all during the entire day, as well as trying to maintain the household. He has no regard for my feelings at all, even when I try to express them to him, it always turns back around into how he is feeling and how it is unfair for him, or that I just don't understand what its like. He makes it seem as if what he is feeling is so much more important than how I am feeling. I am always wrong, no matter what the situation is. He is not on any medication as he has reactions to them all (and we have tried many), plus we are not really strong believers in medications. We are trying natural alternatives instead, however, we are spending a fortune on all these suggested supplements and he barely even takes them! They are left to sit there and go out of date! He sees a psychologist and a psychiatrist and I am still seeing no improvement at all, if anything I feel as if he has only gotten worse. I am really at my wits end and do not know what else to do to try and help him. I just want him to be happy so we can be happy again.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Lost for direction replies: 10

Depressed mum and early dementia dad replies: 6

I don't know how to help. replies: 3

My depressed husband is in love with someone else replies: 7

looking for support replies: 3

Husband is depressed, I am struggling to cope replies: 7

New, struggling with partner, seems a common story! replies: 2

carer advice replies: 1

New and struggling replies: 2

Needing help to cope with my depressed/ anxious partner! replies: 15