Husband is depressed, I am struggling to cope

[Freemilly]

Hi all

My husband and I have been together 9 years and we have a 7 year old daughter. He has had medication for depression the whole time. He refuses to talk to any one about it. He is a stay at home dad and I work to support us. He is very cynical, moody, negative, unmotivated to do anything, even stuff he likes. I come home and have to clean up and Cook, take care of our daughter, and he can't even say "how was your day?" He goes straight into all the things wrong in the day. We have slept in separate rooms for 6 years and haven't been intimate since our daughter was born.

I know a lot of it is the depression but I am struggling myself now to cope. I find myself not wanting to go home. My work suffers because my mind is elsewhere. I feel like I want the relationship to end but I know he doesn't mean to be like this. I just feel so alone, like my friend has gone. He spends all his time on Facebook or the computer. I can't open up to him at all anymore because he doesn't hear it or he walks away or it'll start an argument. I drove a friend to the airport and he said I embarrassed him in front of her.I asked her later if I did and she had no idea what I could have said.

I want to help. I want to be there for him. He is a good man. But I have lost the bright happy person I was and I want her back too before I hurt myself irreparably.

Thanks for reading my friends

[trustlife]

Hi Freemilly, thanks for your post. Wow, that's a lot you are dealing with. Bad enough that we have the depression but you also have a life pattern that has gone on for far too long. If you and I were to identify the one move that sparked a change it would surely start on the practicalities. Firstly, is he getting any professional help? I suspect any suggestion here would be greeted with a cathedral hush and denial. Nevertheless it's important that he does. I'll come back to this in a moment.

Secondly, his daily pattern must be broken. There will be some catalyst in your life together (most likely your daughter) can help change this. 7 year olds have plays, concerts school activities that can easily be orchestrated into a level of responsibility for him to get his act together. The FB etc needs to stop and that's where a decent counsellor can advise. Ironically, FB users tell each other they have over 500+ friends. They don't. They have an audience that will quickly diminish as soon as there's a cry for help. That little outburst with your friend is a very subtle cry for help. He felt embarrassed in himself and looked for a reason to justify it. Not much help to you initially but deep down he is aware that the rubbish needs to stop. I'd start to hold the vision of him getting out of the house with a job to pay for a babysitter.

Thirdly, you yourself. Don't let his depression deceive you into thinking that's all he is. I know it's easy for me to type this line when you are on the receiving end but if I was to come up with the words that best lifted you out to be yourself again, it would be those. Pick a date (soon) when you suggest for the sake of the 2 years when you got together and had your daughter (anniversary, birthday, Mothers Day) that you at least have a dinner out and stay in the same bed that night. You must break the pattern he has built. That with some professional help, (and a medical review of his medication which does not seem to be working) will start you both well back on track.

Lastly, is there a friend that you both respect that could be brought into the equation? Failing that, is there one that you trust to give you some moral support?

[Freemilly]

Your understanding and words have been such a comfort. Yes I do have a couple of friends who sort of know. They have been understanding.

I have suggested him getting a review or therapy but he argues with me about it. When he goes for a medication script the doctor asks if and how he is managing and he lies about it.

I will definatly try the other tips. The baby sitter an getting him out of the house.

Thanks soil much. It means the world to me.

[Kathryne]

Hi,

I totally understand where you are at. You need to have some down time to. If money is tight how about a  family picnic on the beach. how does your daughter cope with the family Dynamics? 

Could you consider attending his next doctor review or going in by your self and having an open honest conversation with the doctor.  

Depression is a word not a sentence, with the right medication you could start to see the person you fell in love with return. 

It has taken 16 years for my husband to come out of that depressive zone. Slow steps and first then 3-4 forward and 2 back. However it was worth the effort

[geoff]

dear Freemilly, what a great reply by Trustlife, because you have reponded to it with admiration.
It's been a real struggle for you and probably your daughter for at least 7 years but for you even longer, so he's in hole and doesn't want to pull himself out of it, whether you want to label this as being in denial might be the situation here, or just being stubborn and not interested, so in some ways it doesn't matter and I agree that his rountine has to be broken, however there could some difficulty doing this depending on his daily rountine, and I don't mean spending time on FB.
At the moment your daughter is why you are going home because it would make it hard to go home to get an earful from him each day, plus the amount of work that you have to do, must be exhausting.
Sleeping in separate rooms for 6 years isn't good, because my wife (ex) slept in another room for over a year, and even though I was in depression that is something I hated, because it meant that our marriage had another barrier between the both of us.
What are you going to do if he doesn't want to have any counselling, I'm only saying this because you aren't feeling well because of him and I'm sure that your daughter wants a happy life.
You also can't go on feeling like you do now, which means that it would be a good idea for you to see your doctor and then perhaps see a psychologist, because when someone doesn't want to go home then there is a problem.
I also have a worry about who he is talking to on the computer, and do you feel this could be a concern.
Another thing I'm worried about is that I hope all of your friends haven't stopped coming around to your house, in other words only see you down the street or at their house.
I've said a few points here which I hope that I haven't upset you, because that's certainly not what I want to do. Geoff.

[Freemilly]

Thanks Kathryn. Its good to know others have been through it too.

I have been to the doctor with him before, doc always recommends counseling or a plan for him. He palms it off, or says that he'll go. But he will not go no matter who says what to him. He always takes his antidepressants.

 We do go out sometimes and it is lovely when we do. 🙂 

I hope I have the strength to continue till ... I don't know.. it gets better. But hearing your story gives me faith.

[Freemilly]

I find it hard to not cry reading your message. My friends don't come and he has a bit of control over it. I am certain he talks to others online. I've caught him texting my cousin and another mum from school. 

I agree the chain needs to be broken. I guess its why in here. I have started going to classes on weekends but it means I'm out of the house more when I just want to be with my daughter.

I'm thank full Geoff for your reply. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I think I know what I want to do but its a big call I can't make without being sure.

Big thanks to everyone here that has sent messages.

[geoff]

dear Freemilly, between deciding what you want to do but uncertain whether or not you want to follow through with it, would also include what your daughter would want as well, or the protection that you feel she may need, maybe a decision that could take just a gentle encouragememnt and support and any advice is all you might need, and remember that you could always return if and when he gets the help he needs.
My greatest worry for you is the contact he has on the computer to other people and that's why he's avoiding any help and won't see anyone.
Please remember that it's a choice for you and your daughter to make, but as I say just a little gentle encouragement would help you a long way. Geoff. x