Depressed mum and early dementia dad

Blue99 · ‎20-03-2016

I'd like some advice as I have no one to talk to. My parents have been married for fifty years and have never really got along but stayed together in a loveless marriage. My father is emotionally abusive and mum puts up with it. Now in their eighties he has increased his abuse and lives like a pig. Mum used to clean up after him but has stopped in the last six months so the house is filthy to the point he tried to fix the toilet and couldn't so they have been without one for a couple of weeks as he won't let anyone in to fix things. He ended up in hospital this week after a heart issue and became confused and even escaped. he has improved but is still giving her a hard time. All she says to me is "I give up". She doesn't want him home but feels guilty if he goes into care because she is taking his life away. Short term memory is the issue and he has been known to leave the stove on and forget. I see him when I'm at mums but he hasn't spoken to me for 10 years or his grand kids either. He is a bitter man with alot of hate. My question is, do I keep him out of the home for mums sake and let her have some quality of life in her last years or do I take pity on him and let him home and it all goes back to the way it was because its so ingrained in him. He shakes his fist at her and swears at her. Either way one of them will be miserable. Mum is not the bubbly person she used to be. She is tired all the time, not cleaning or cooking or looking after herself and I know she feels guilt and is scared. She is depressed and my depression is getting worse because of all this. There is no one but me to sort this out. Please help.

pipsy · ‎21-03-2016

Dear Blue. Hi and welcome to the forums. You say your dad has short term memory issues, has a Dr diagnosed this condition? I would try and get to your dad's Dr (if he has one), discuss the situation with him, ask if your dad can be placed in a nursing home. Tell the Dr he escaped from a hospital after suffering heart problems. I'm sorry for your mum's situation and it's sad she feels as though she has to be 'there' for him. You mentioned it's not a loving marriage, was it always like this? Your mum needs to accept she can't help your dad, at her age (80), it's time she was able to live peacefully. I suppose when she married, it was 'for better, or worse' and she's taken her vows seriously. It's commendable she has tolerated the situation all these years, but if your dad is as bad as you say, the situation is now dangerous. Short term memory and Dementia are similar in that people with the problem do much the same things. Leaving taps running, lights on, stove elements on etc. Also short term memory/dementia causes severe personality disorders. The physical aspect too has to be considered. At 80, your mum won't be as physically able as she was when they were first married. As his memory worsens your dad will get to the point where he could start wandering. Try and get your mum to agree to talk to their/her Dr about getting your dad into a nursing home where there are trained nurses who know how to deal with his confronting attitude. Tell her not to feel guilty because she's no longer physically able to care for him. She's been a good wife and has no reason to berate herself. He will be well looked after and she can then get home help if she wants to.

Blue99 · ‎21-03-2016

Thanks for your kind words Pipsy. Mum and I spoke to his doctor who has noticed a slow deterioration but now he is in hospital it is out of his hands. If it wasn't for his anger he could possibly come home as his memory loss seems mild at the moment but is not going to get any better. The nurses tell me he is pleasantly confused and I don't know what that means. The worry is if he comes home and gets worse it will be hard to get help. It is also likely he won't be allowed to drive so mum will be stuck with him. He is undiagnosed at the moment but had a brain scan last week which showed changes. I've just cleaned the house which took me all weekend. Mum said he makes a mess and she try's to clean but just gets sick of it and gives up. It's really tough making the decision. He can be nice as pie to hospital staff but nasty to mum and I know is too late for him to start appreciating mum. I'm so stressed.

pipsy · ‎22-03-2016

Hi Blue. When nurses tell you someone is 'pleasantly confused', what they're saying is, he's inclined to wander a bit looking round. He might be asking where he is, who they are, where are his family etc. You may have to bite bullet and tell the treating Dr how bad things really are. Sometimes when people are really abusive with their family, but not with others we have to 'wash our linen publicly'. Yes, he will co-operate at the nursing home so they can release him to your care. I realize it goes against the grain to do this, but I would make an appointment with the treating Dr and tell him exactly how bad things really are at home. Tell him your mums age, tell him how she's looked after dad, how your dad's treated her. Also tell him if dad does come home, they could wind up having to care for your mum. You may have to tell Dr about the toilet incident as well. You see, if he does come home, mum won't be able to get home help, because his dementia/short term memory loss which is the same thing, will stop home help wanting to come. No-one likes being abused. Even if it's just arguing among yourself, home help won't feel comfortable coming. My neighbour has just lost her 3rd lot of home help, because she follows them around, pointing out where she thinks they haven't done their job. Home help come out, assess your mum's needs, then tell her what they can do to help her. If your dad is there snarling, this will go in their report and mum could find it difficult to get further assistance. You need to explain to your Dr exactly how bad things are. Try not to stress too much. Tell mum you're trying to help her, she won't be judged, they look at the whole situation. They're used to dealing with your dad's problem, they deal with dementia/short term memory loss people all the time. The more they know, the better for everyone.

Best of luck.

Blue99 · ‎22-03-2016

Hi Pipsy, I hadn't thought about her losing home help. That's a good point. Mum and I have a family meeting at the hospital today so I will lay it all out for them to hear.Im over being ashamed.We have suicide and depression in our family so it's even more of a worry with mum. I also found out she goes to the pokies quite alot to avoid going home and that's not good at all. Thanks for your advice, I literally have no one to talk.

Blue99 · ‎22-03-2016

Well, we had our meeting today and the bottom line is if he is medically ok and can dress and feed himself and is reasonably with it then he can refuse an acas assessment and come home even if it is to someone else's deteriment. We are going to lose the battle.

pipsy · ‎22-03-2016

Hi Blue. I'm so sorry this happened. Perhaps it might be best if you go back to your own G.P. He would know you better and could advise you better. Obviously the nursing home where your dad is, is full. They want the bed, basically, so it's almost like a conveyor belt system. I would make an appointment with your G.P and explain what's been going on. Tell him/her that your dad's been in hospital, tell Dr he has early stages dementia etc. With dementia it can take a bit of 'detective' work to 'catch' the patient out properly. Sometimes the patient appears lucid, then you'll ask seemingly innocently, who is the Australian prime minister, or when did the first world war end. Sometimes they might argue what the year is. It could take a few Dr's visits before the Dr is prepared to say what stage dementia your dad has. But if you can explain exactly how bad things are, the Dr will, I'm sure be able to assist you. Just because dad is able to dress and undress doesn't mean he is capable of looking after himself. Your mum is so worn out mentally and physically, she can't 'fight' anymore. If your dad starts wandering, by that stage it's gone beyond your ability to care for him too. I would've just about told them at the nursing home that I wasn't prepared to accept him home, but that's just me. Your mum needs help and your Dr is now your best bet. I'm sure once he knows the situation, he will be able to advise you of your next step.

Best wishes.