New, struggling with partner, seems a common story!

[Tinkerbell2016]

Hi everyone. I really want to support my partner and am struggling like most others on this forum. 

We have been together 4 years. Initially it was this amazing, whirlwind romance, with periodic angry outbursts from him. 

There were broken promises about marriage and moving in together, and from there things declined but I don't think because of them.

My partner says he was 'born with a dark soul' and has battled depression his whole life. When he comes to visit my children and I, he spends most of his time in the bedroom except for meals and TV yet he says he loves my children and loves being around them. 

Recently his daughter moved out from home under very happy circumstances. It seems to have sent him into a deeper depression. He is super smart and used to hold a very senior role; now he struggles to make basic decisions like what to have for dinner, He has been on and off anti depressants for the past 12 months - they seem to curb the anger but not help with the depression.

There is no intimacy. No kissing beyond a cheek peck, no sex so I'm trying not to feel physically rejected which is difficult as my ex husband suffered depression so rarely initiated sex. I really struggle with a sense of not being good enough or attractive etc yet logically I know that I am fit and fun in bed.

i would love any advice about how I can maintain my energy and support him lovingly  I have taken to socialising a lot with friends and colleagues to get the positive interaction that I crave, but this makes him angry because I am not spending time with him and helping him with his loneliness since his daughter moved out  

Many thanks in advance  

[Zeal]

Hi Tinkerbell,

Welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry to hear about how hard it's been for you and your partner, owing to his long-term depression. It certainly sounds as though you both really love each other and connected on multiple levels when you started the relationship. Depression is cruel, and can render a loving and motivated person completely depleted of happiness, energy and drive. Does your partner see his doctor (who prescribed the antidepressants) regularly? It sounds as though he needs regular assistance to control this debilitating depression.

When you say your partner went off the medication, do you mean he stopped taking antidepressants abruptly from time to time? It is crucial that your partner is weaned off antidepressants (gradually reducing the dose under doctor's directions). Taking meds at their regular dose one day and then not taking them the next has a negative effect on a person's emotions and mental health. I take antidepressants (SSRI's) for my long-term anxiety caused by a brain-chemical imbalance. I accidentally skipped my meds one day, and felt the deep negative emotional affects later that day and for several days following. I never did that again! This wasn't what I would be like without medication, but was a biological reaction to the abrupt interruption to the active ingredient/s in the meds.

If you don't mind me asking; though you and your partner don't live together, does he sometimes stay overnight or for a few days? Though not a substitute for all forms of physical and emotional romantic affection, cuddling is a great way to be warm and affectionate in a simple way. Your partner may not want to do this, but maybe he'd be more open to this form of affection? Sorry if I'm completely off the mark here! When I'm feeling anxious or down (I don't have depression anymore though), cuddling with my partner really helps improve my mood.

I'm glad your daughter is forging ahead in her life in a positive way. Your kids are lucky to have you 🙂

Sorry I can't offer more specific advice. It's a tough situation, but hopefully your partner can start having more frequent sessions with his doctor/medical practitioner, and maybe even get referred to a psychologist or other professional.

Best wishes,

SM

[Tinkerbell2016]

Hi SM thank you for your response and for sharing an insight to what you suffer with.

Yes we do stay over at each other's places. He rarely initiates any form of holding or cuddling - he prefers to get lost in his iPhone, usually with sport results or Facebook. Even if I ask for a hug he will hug me whilst also looking at his phone.

He doesn't see his gp regularly - only for script repeats and yes he takes himself on and off the meds as he sees fit.  He doesn't believe that he needs to see anyone for help...

thanks