Lost for direction

Wendy154 · ‎20-03-2016

Good Morning. My husband of 23 years is suffering from PTSD and dysthia following several significant negative events in his life over recent years. He has always been a quiet gentle man and was initially diagnosed 4 years ago after significant health problems and an event that had a significant impact on our marriage due to us both handling our emotions surrounding this in different ways - he didn't acknowledge this diagnosis but fought his way out of a very dark depression without medication or psych involvement...we separated For 4 months but when we reconciled our relationship was stronger than ever. Loving, kind, supportive.....everything I wanted. He had said for some time that he was happy with "us "but just not within himself - he had valid reasons and declined the necessity for medical support. I have always accepted him for who he is- he has become someone who appears content and enjoys the simple life. I'm pretty outgoing and have always enjoyed a sense of adventure .....sometimes he shares this, others he doesn't but has never restricted me. One day 6 months ago he announced that he no longer wants to be married. He wants to find himself. It was a complete and utter shock. I then discovered flirtatious messages to an old flame overseas from his teenage years.....he said nothing was ever going to happen... he was just looking for some excitement. He moved out.....he kept insisting that I deserved better than him and would be happier without him. He was pushing me away. He still doesn't live at home, he is now on medication and seeing a psychiatrist (early days) . He has been off work for 5 months and just signed off for 6 more. I see glimmers of the kind loving gentle man but generally I feel used and abused. He comes to the house to use the computer, asks me to help him with difficult conversations with work etc but other than that I get negativity. Everything is negative. He says he is hoping for a reconciliation in the future but makes zero effort. I say the slightest thing wrong and he attacks. He never asks about me. I have always been a positive tenacious person. I love deeply and passionately but this is wearing me down. I still love him and want to support him - I can't walk away .....or won't. I just need a glimmer of hope to keep me going. Has anyone got ANY advice please? He had sudden cardiac arrest which I resuscitated him from, a car accident and was assaulted in an unprovoked attack 12 months ago.

White_Rose · ‎20-03-2016

Dear Wendy

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I am so sorry to read about your difficulties, it must be very hard for you to carry on as normal every day.

When people become depressed they often push away the very folk who could help them. And the most usual excuse is that the other person will be better off without them. Depression gives us all sorts of strange and untrue thoughts and we believe them. It sounds very much as though this is what your husband is experiencing.

Hopefully the psychiatrist working with your husband will help him understand why and how he feels this way. I think it will take time. Have you asked him about his sessions with the psych? He probably will not tell you much but if he does it may mean he is getting well again and ready to reconcile with you.

I suggest that you make some ground rules for when he visits. For example, you are willing to help with his work but will not tolerate him attacking you in any way. Being unwell is not a license to hurt others. This is probably not the advice you were expecting but your husband needs to realise his illness also affects you deeply. Attacking you in any way makes matters worse. He needs to be reminded that good manners (at the least) are mandatory.

Beyond Blue has a great deal of information both for those with depression and for the family. I suggest you browse the site and either download or send for some of this information. It will help you understand your man much better. Search the blue tabs at the top of the page.

In these circumstances there is not a lot you can do. Waiting for him to get well again can take time. He feels he can manage on his own, which may or may not be true, and you cannot force him to do anything. Be there for him when he needs you, but don't run round after him. And definitely no excuses for poor behaviour.

I don't know your financial circumstances and I am not asking because this is personal. I want to suggest you ensure you are being support financially if you are not working. Things like mortgages and rent do sometimes get forgotten, each person thinking the other is taking care of this. If you want legal advice I suggest you contact the Women's Legal Service in your state. It's a good idea to about these things as your husband may suddenly decide he wants a divorce and wants to sell up or similar. I hope this will not be the case but it's a good idea to be prepared.

Mary

white knight · ‎20-03-2016

Hi Wendy

I can offer endorsement for the wonderful post Mary has just offered, not that she needs me to lol.

Boundaries, some people need them and they need to be informed about what they are- directly and clear.

Tony WK

Wendy154 · ‎20-03-2016

Thank you so much for your advice.....as I do feel foolish at times for still "hanging on" to what was a good relationship. For someone who is generally strong and assertive - I tend to be overly tolerant and soft with my husband.....as he has been with me for many years. My rare flashes of anger usually get a positive response, however they always leave me feeling incredibly upset.

Re Psychiatrist...his attending the sessions are monthly...only 15 minutes approx and cost more than he can afford. He uses his attendance like a weapon - as if I'm personally forcing him to go, the same with taking his medication and I do not believe for one minute that he has been 100% honest with the psych. Time will tell. Financially, I am taking steps to safeguard them thank you. I work full time, have a family and felt that after 5 months it was a priority that I did.

thank you again. Your advice is greatly appreciated

Wendy

White_Rose · ‎23-03-2016

Hello Wendy

Sorry to take so long to get back to you. How are you traveling?

I wonder if there is any way you can talk to the psychiatrist. You can contact him/her and talk about your husband but the psych should not reveal anything that happens in the sessions. Fifteen minute sessions seem pretty useless as usually sessions last 45-50 minutes. The costs can be claimed on Medicare so I suggest you get the receipts and make a claim. Many doctors these days send the claim directly to Medicare and the patient is given the rebate within 24 hours.

I wonder what sort of psych has such short sessions and charges an amount that is difficult for your husband to pay. Perhaps you can check this with the psych's receptionist. It sounds very wrong to me.

I have to say, from the point of view of someone who also had a husband that used situations etc as a weapon, that you can call his bluff by not asking about his sessions or medication. Since you cannot force him to do any of these things it may give you less grief to ignore them. In truth, if he wants to get well he must take responsibility for his actions. He cannot say, at the end of the day, it's your fault he did not do anything when refuses to acknowledge his responsibility.

I left my husband after 30 years. It was hard but now I feel so much better. He sounds similar to your husband. Mine felt he had no responsibility to do anything in the house, despite the fact we were both working full time. But if the house was a mess, meals not ready, children not taken to sports etc, it was my fault. His favourite weapon was not talking to me. In retrospect it is amazing how much I put up with out of fear.

Anyway, I wanted to know if you are traveling OK. Love to hear from you again.

Mary

Wendy154 · ‎24-03-2016

Mary, I'm struggling....really struggling at times. My husband called around on Tuesday and was lovely. We talked about our future, I opened up and told him how I felt and although he is far from the person he was - showed warmth and kindness. He hopes to get better and reconcile in the future. We agreed that the occasional evening out together would be nice. I felt hope. The day after I contacted him to ask if he would like to go out at the weekend as our daughter is away overnight. He said no because he felt it was too much too soon. I'm trying to understand. I'm try trying to be supportive and patient.....I just feel foolish. I'm unsure whether to trust him.....if he is being genuine? I give he takes. I have tried everything...tough love, hostility, anger.....I honestly wish I could just give him up and move on. I have always been a strong confident independent woman......but this is just sucking the life out of me. I'm scared to give up incase I miss the opportunity to regain what we had.

Regarding Psych....the $100 is after the Medicare rebate....referred by GP. I offered to go with him when we spoke on Tuesday and he seemed open to the idea but that doesn't mean much....

White_Rose · ‎25-03-2016

Hello Wendy

Well $100 is a lot of money. I know I could not afford that on a regular basis unless I gave up something else. Perhaps your husband can give up smoking or drinking or something else to find the money. I am still confused that your husband has only 15 minutes with the psych. That is just plain ridiculous. Does his GP know this? I would be looking for another psychiatrist, assuming of course that hubby is telling the truth.

Your husband seems to be playing games with you. He pops around for the evening, has a nice chat, and you confide in him. Then he pushes you away after making plans to start getting together. Wendy I have come across men like this. The charm gets turned on to keep you hanging on in case he wants you for something. It is a classic manipulation trick.

So call his bluff. Make definite dates at times that suit you and to go out to the cinema or dinner or whatever, but not a meal at your home. If he refuses to commit or pulls out at the last minute he is lying to you. If he really wants a reconciliation he will makes sure he meets up with you. Being off-hand is the way to make you hang on.

Again a classic behaviour management trick. Be nice, then be offhand or unkind for a while, then just as you are about to give up, he comes along with another nice evening and you are sucked in again. Think about the pattern of his behaviour. I bet he has always done this.

Giving him the push will be hard. Not only because saying the words will be hard but because that means you will be on your own. And that's a scary thought. I would love to have a partner I can trust and respect, but second best is being on my own and not being manipulated by someone. I can live on my own and still enjoy life, but being kept dangling is not my idea of fun. How much more do you think it will hurt you to say goodbye compared with what you have now?

You say he uses his visits to the psych as a weapon. So he is only going to please you? What rubbish! If he is not going to get well for himself, then he is wasting his money and your time and patience. Tell him to stay away for three months, absolutely no contact. I think you will manage just fine and he will probably find someone else to look after him. You don't want this to happen I know, but truly, do you want to play second fiddle to this for the rest of your life?

My apologies if I have been too blunt. I really believe he is having a good time at your expense.

Mary

Wendy154 · ‎26-03-2016

Mary, I hear what you are saying about the manipulation and I agree, however for 22 years that wasn't the case though. If I do ask him to do anything for me or call around - he does. I won't shut him out for 3 months because it would affect my daughter....he picks her up, drops her off as needed. He still has part ownership of the house and will be house sitting for a month while I'm over seas - taking care of our daughter and pets. I have a social life and good friends - I have a life without him and am very comfortable. I'm not lonely, however I miss my lovely husband. I miss my best friend and it's not in my nature to turn my back on him - but by not doing so I'm struggling . I'm not letting go and am unsure that I should.

thanks

wendy

Wendy154 · ‎26-03-2016

By being comfortable I don't mean financially. I'm not but I'm OK. I meant I'm comfortable with my own company and always have been.

Regarding the psych...I will take your advice and speak with his GP. He rarely drinks and has never smoked.

Thanks Wendy

White_Rose · ‎26-03-2016

Wendy

Sorry if I have offended you. You are a very nice person to put up with your husband's problems. I must admit I had forgotten your daughter when I wrote my last post to you and of course she wants to see her dad. I think I must have been half asleep when I wrote.

Mary