Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Advice

replies: 2

Hi, My beautiful husband has depression. He has other medical issues but this is the one which affects him the most. The past three years since he lost his job and is now full time but casual he has been up and down with it and I just do not know what to do. He sleeps so much of the time, does not want to do anything etc... I am at my wits end and find it too hard to cope with.

seeing the car crash ahead - how do i avoid it?

replies: 9

Hi - I'm seeking some advice. I have been with my husband for 13 years and he was diagnosed with depression nearly 10 years ago. Most here will know that once you are over the initial reality, you try and you fail to manage and support appropriately, and then you fall into familiar patterns. Some good, some not so good. He has not seen a counsellor or therapist for years. My observation of his triggers are situations where he fears he does not have control, or where he believes he is being told what to do (being denied choice/control). Mostly this manifests in small incidents that can be managed - telling me what he will do without consultation with me ("I'm going away this weekend"), becoming obsessive about the state of the kitchen (scooping everything off the benches and dumping it in another room - sadly this obsessiveness does not extend to the rest of the house…). Whilst this can be inconvenient, I don't take it personally and we manage. We are planning a 3 month overseas holiday with our 10 yo daughter at the end of the year. We're all very excited. We travel well together, where the mundane and expectations of everyday are absent. We spoke this week of planning, accommodation etc. He has stated (and I know) that he does not like staying at other people's houses. In fact he has become very anti-social unless it is in our own home. We have been offered accommodation in London with some friends of ours who have a large house, my brother also lives in London so I am keen to spend time there. Of the whole 3 month trip he has become fixated on the fact that I am suggesting we stay at our friends' house, and whether we go to London at all. He is accusing me of dictating the trip (although he has asked me to organise it all) and becoming upset that I am not giving him a choice on going to London. I have said, well no - my brother lives there, and we need to travel through London, there are things I and our daughter want to see/do. We need to manage $$. Our friends live in a large 3 bedroom house. We are there only 5 nights. He is choosing this topic to become very angry about me "being selfish and doing what I want", that he "has no say". It seems to give him satisfaction that he has a focus for his anger. I feel like I can see the car crash ahead. He is choosing to believe that I am controlling him. I can't win. I can let it lie for a bit, but we have make decisions and book. I feel like i need to tread carefully. What's my next step??

I'm pretty sure my wife has post partum depression (PPD)

replies: 2

Hi everyone, I'm pretty sure my wife has PPD. She has struggled with depression in the past and has had bouts of PPD with our first two children. We now have three children and I am concerned for her. Does anyone have any advice on how I could help her to get help. I'm trying my best, but there is only so much that I can do. She is going back to uni this year which is awesome and I am super excited for her. My mother was going to look after our youngest on the days she is at uni, but we have had a massive falling out with my parents, with some irrational arguments on both sides. I'm upset about that and I miss the relationship with my parents, but I want to support her above any one else. It's reached the point where she won't even let my parents see the kids any more, which I don't believe is fair to our children, who miss their grandparents. I'm really lost in this and would appreciate any advice.

I think my partner is depressed, but he thinks I just say he does because I have depression

replies: 2

Hey everyoneWell ill start off with that i was diagnosed with anxiety and depression about 2 yrs ago, it started off with anxiety attacks at work then onto depression i have seen a phycologist but i wasnt to sure if that was for me.I was given medication just for when i felt panicky but i have a thing with taking tablets not sure if i havent accepted it yet but its all steps i guess.I have been with my partner for 5yrs and after been told about depression and anxiety i feel like he has some of his own issues himself like depression, also he is a heavy drinker and im trying to let him know iam here for him and also myself but he thinks i just say it because i have it. Ive tried telling him i wouldnt want anyone to have depression or anxiety it is hard and sometimes i feel as if i dnt deal with it myself to well.I know i have to help myself b4 anyone but i really love him and want to help him also.. lately i have been trying to tlk to him about the stuff he says about himself like he will say " he is stupid" about anything i say or if i try talking louder and slower he thinks im tlking to him like an idiot but ive always been told to speak up its just me..but anyways he had a talking problem when little and i know that gets to him and mayb thats where he gets he thinks he is stupid ( but his not) or it mayb neglect from his mother he always gets the blame she walks around calling him stupid or a piss head when he drinks and that just makes him drink more. Ive tried talking to him and i gues i fo take it out on his mother when we do tlk and he doesnt like that but i can see from the outside like yeh she may still love him but i know how it feels whist having delression one little word can be taken wrong. So i gues im just asking what is there i can do or say to get him to open his eyes and help himself.Because im trying for myself but it is getting so hard trying to help us both when he doesnt really care i gues..Well thats how i feel and he doesnt open up most times when we tlk i feel like im talking to a brinck wall i have to ask if he is going to answer me.

Wife not coping with medication withdrawal

replies: 6

Hi everyone, first time posting here on this forum and Im hoping that sharing my story at this present time will maybe give me some support or answers on how to deal with a tough patch that my wife and I are currently going through. Basically my wife decided to stop taking an anti depressant after taking it for 8 years to combat her anxiety ,she weaned off it under a doctors advice for just on two weeks ( that was backin December last year ) , now she is very irritated , moody , pissed off witheveryone and the world and she said she doesn’t have love for me like she usedto .I still think she is withdrawing from the meds and I wish I knew what else I could do to help , I feel so helpless and useless .The words she said “ I love you but Im not in love with you “ rang alarms in my head , now I am living at home with her and mytwo beautiful children and I feel like Im walking on eggshells , I try to give her as much space as I can and we don’t talk much about anything in depth ,basically today my wife said that she knows that shes being mean and feels guilty for it and she knows shes being snappy to the kids and I which is hard totake at times.We went to a counselling session together where she tore strips off me for being “needy, wantingaffection all the time , being loud and with stupid humour , and she feltpressured whenever I proposed we have an early night “ , I felt humiliated but at the same time I took it all on the chin , it still hurts though.My wifehas her good days and her bad days , some days shes both in that one day which is hard to handle as I try to be as supportive as possible and be there as I want the marriage to work simply because I love her too much .Im in my early 40’s , my wife turns 40 soon and shes dreading that as well .We have two beautiful twins both 8 years of age , our house is paid off and I thought that we had a wonderful future all together until recently .Today we spoke about her withdrawals and I honestly think that she is not coping well at all ,its like a wedge / a barrier has been put up against myself , the kids and the world to a degree which is hurtful .She mentioned that she wants to see how things go and revaluate things in 6 months time as to whether the marriage should continue , or whether we should just go separateways ( which I don’t want and I worry about my kids emotional wellbeingwith it if it happens as well as mine ) . My wife said she wants to re-evaluate things in 6 months time , I fear divorce .Please help

Back to school and feeling sick!

replies: 4

My 13yo son started high school last year and just before mid year developed anxiety which prevented him from attending school on a regular basis. When I say regular I mean he missed probably six months of the year and all of last term. I am sitting here waiting now on the first day of the school year for him to wake up to see what the day is going to bring. I have tried not to get my hopes up with all of our positive back to school conversations we have had in the last week. My own anxiety is sky rocketing and feeling my own sense of sick. To all of my fellow back to school mums, be it first timers or those lining up for the last time, you are not alone! After today the "first" day of school is over for the year!

Please help us help our girl

replies: 11

We have a beautiful 16 year old girl who has suffered with depression and anxiety since 13 and is progressively getting worse. We have seen 3 different GP's, 2 psychiatrist and 4 psychologist. All say that she cannot be helped until she is willing to open up and receive help. She has never been on medication. I have rang Head space and they say bring her to the office but she doesn't want to go. Her behaviour has been nasty, disrespectful and we are feeling that the situation is out of our control. We have taken her phone and internet access as a consequence for behaviour. Are we doing the right thing? I woke up at 2am today and cried for hours. Any advice would be appreciated - we just want our girl to be happy!

I need to help my son

replies: 1

My son is 34 years old and has a serious gambling problem. I believe there is a deeper cause and he may have a mental health issue. He refuses to get help as he is a Mental Health Professional. We used to have a really good relationship but the gambling has turned him into a person I barely recognise. He lies constantly, has withdrawn and gets very angry with me when I try to talk to him. I have bailed him out many times, which I know is not the right thing to do, and in return he treats me very badly. His father (who was also a gambler) left when he was 11 years old and I have had to raise him and his sister almost alone, money was always tight. This is partly why it is so difficult seeing him throw away at least half his pay every fortnight at the TAB. I have tried everything I can think off to get him to stop but he just doesn't want to. I am nearing retirement and won't be able to give him any financial help, but it is the emotional toll that I am struggling to deal with. I am sure there is a deeper emotional issue that causes him to act like this, if only I could identify what his problem is so that we could try to address it. He refuses to have a meaningful relationship with his sister, and seem to think she and I conspire against him. I cannot discuss his problem with any members of my family or my friends as he would never forgive me. His father knows but is totally in denial, he lives interstate so can't really help anyway. I really need advice but please don't tell me to cut him loose.

He loves me, he loves me not.

replies: 7

I have been with my partner for 6 1/2 years. We have been happy most of the time and even started talking marriage in November. He has recently completed his masters thesis & was relying on obtaining a scholarship but missed out.Since then, he has been quite down.A month ago he came to visit me but ignored me all day. We went to bed that night & he wanted nothing to do with me. The following day, he broke up with me. I got nothing from him other than "I dont know" & "no" when I suggested counselling.The next day he said he thought he'd made a mistake but wasnt convinced we would work. Again, no explanation as to why.A week later we were talking (only online mind you) & he insisted he still loved me & didnt know why he was doing this. A week ago, i received a call from him saying "sorry we need to move on" & he hung up & blocked my number. He wouldn't let me speak at all. 48 hours later I was admitted to hospital for exhaustion. My friend reached out to him & he agreed we need to talk & apparently became very emotional (crying etc).Today I insisted to speak to him so he knew where I was at.I wanted to meet with him in person however he refused & stated he wasnt ready. He reluctantly agreed to let me call him & I said he didnt need to say anything. During the call, he seemed like a very different person.Normally he is talkative, warm & intouch with his feelings. Today, he was completely discommected and said he doesnt love me.I questioned him why he said he loved me previously but he he didnt really give me an answer. He just kept saying it over & over. I said to him we need to keep communication lines open because at this point I dont know what's going on in his head. He denied it & said talking will do nothing. as much as he says he doesn't love me I dont think he's telling me the truth. I asked him what he would feel if I started a relationship with someone else & he felt uncomfortable answering that question & eventually said "FINE! I dont care". I also asked him if he wanted me out of his life & he didnt seem to like that idea either.I feel like he has mistaken our relationship for unhappiness when it's truly the thesis... my friend told me today his thesis was published 2 weeks ago & he made mention to me. If he truly felt this way, I dont think I would have been mentioned. I truly believe we are soulmates. Is this common of someone who suffers from anxiety/depression? I cant help to think that he's putting on a big front to protect himself.

I need help to know how to support my partner

replies: 10

Hi, I'm engaged to a wonderful man who makes me so happy and I can see us laughing in our 80s. The wedding is in July, I have a "mum-of-the-bride-zilla which is stressful. We recently changed jobs, moved cities, leaving family and friends behind, since then have had people staying with us most weeks so we haven't been alone much over the last 4-5 months. We also just missed out on a home purchase last week so there is a lot going on. my fiancé had a difficult upbringing, parents separating, his mum not wanting to/being able to care for him and some other stuff that I am sure has an impact on his mental wellbeing. we have been together for 4 years, and living together most of that time. He has had bouts of depression and did see a family doctor once (who also provided counselling with his mum situ) who prescribed him anti depressants. He took them for a while but didn't like the way they made him feel - his sex drive slowed massively and hasn't really come back. since moving the depression is back (self diagnosed). He won't come out or meet new ppl. He has started telling people he feels depressed (me, boss, close friend) and has suggested seeing a doc but not acted on it yet. during our relationship there have been times when his self esteem has been low so to boost it he will flirt/text/email other girls. As far as I know he has never done anything physical but this created a rift in our relationship and some trust issues which we are working through. tonight, when "bored", his ex randomly happened to get in touch. She sometimes asks him to talk, he usually says no. Tonight they talked on the phone for an hour and reminisced a bit. I got upset. This sort of upset happens now and then - each time he retracts, saying he is always hurting me and making me sad and I would be better off without him, so he will leave. That is the opposite of what I need - his love and reassurance. I never understood until today that this is probably a result of the depression, low self esteem and maybe fear of abandonment. he doesn't talk about his sad feelings too much and when he gets sad or this kind of thing happens he insists on being alone. He won't have me near him. It's always when I need him most so this is not good. My being upset makes him feel worse but I can't excuse the behaviour just because he is depressed? I don't know how to help him, and I struggle to both calm myself and leave him be. I tell him I love him and I'm there for him, and always apologise.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Advice replies: 2

seeing the car crash ahead - how do i avoid it? replies: 9

I'm pretty sure my wife has post partum depression (PPD) replies: 2

I think my partner is depressed, but he thinks I just say he does because I have depression replies: 2

Wife not coping with medication withdrawal replies: 6

Back to school and feeling sick! replies: 4

Please help us help our girl replies: 11

I need to help my son replies: 1

He loves me, he loves me not. replies: 7

I need help to know how to support my partner replies: 10