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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Stafford No more to give.
  • replies: 5

Hi. My husband and I have been married for 30 years. In 2006, he plunged into catatonic depression, and I helped admit him into hospital. He underwent major help sessions for months, included EST, and also did CBT. He's tried most of the anti-depress... View more

Hi. My husband and I have been married for 30 years. In 2006, he plunged into catatonic depression, and I helped admit him into hospital. He underwent major help sessions for months, included EST, and also did CBT. He's tried most of the anti-depressants, but hates the inability to have sex. Me? I think it's the best part.....! He used it as a weapon for so long while he was depressed that my life is easier without it. In the years since this catastrophic first induction, I've tried to maintain a distant support system for him. I find that now - we are in business together - he just basically relies on me to breathe. He depends on sex as a comfort and a perceived need, he arranges our life so he has no part in any decision making, he thinks his mind is broken, as he thinks so diametrically differently to everyone on the planet. He can sulk for the century. One thing he does do, is talks really badly to himself - all the time! I am the only grown up in the family (kids are 21 and 25) and I'm wondering a few things here 1. How do I keep going? I'm bad, I'm bossy, I'm the spendthrift, I'm the one who withholds sex, I'm the one who damages the children, I'm the one who.... Well, you get the idea. 2. How do I bring myself to care for him when he's basically sucked me dry over the last few years? I've got to the stage where I really don't care about what he says or what he does. I don't listen any more because it's just more of the depressed drivel. His negativity is awe-inspiring. I am really worried in a small part of me that I'm not trying hard enough, or that I'm not giving him what he needs - oh wait - I'm not, because none of us know what he needs, do we? Including him. We started in business together again 5 years ago after a break of a few years - doing what he wanted to do. Now he leaves nearly all of the business to me, and just picks the tiny eyes out of it. He says he hates being there, he hates every thing about our business.He wants money out of it. He wants it to succeed. ANd I'm not managing to do that... Can someone please tell me how to keep going? Please? I've talked to people until I'm blue in the face, and they tell ME to be supportive of HIM. Well, guess what....? help. Thank you so much.

jojo05 In need of advice, husband suffering depression
  • replies: 5

My husband and i have been together for 11 years, married for almost 8 years. Like most couples we've had our ups and downs but have always got through them. For as long as I've known him hes always had signs of depression and has had his bad times b... View more

My husband and i have been together for 11 years, married for almost 8 years. Like most couples we've had our ups and downs but have always got through them. For as long as I've known him hes always had signs of depression and has had his bad times but has never gone and spoken to anyone about it he pushes people away so he can deal with things himself, which i respect. Hes work does involve pretty stressful situations which i think gets to him and effects him in ways he doesn't admit to. A couple of month's ago he went through a traumatic situation in his work which really knocked him about and had triggered his depression but instead of getting help with dealing with the situation he left it and went on as normal. Just this last week he has had to go to court over the situation which really made him stressed out and his whole personally had changed, he was getting migrain headachs and was really affected by what he was having to do, i really think this situation had brought back his depression but because he doesn't talk about it he builds up and get worst and he has really went down hill. I like to try to help him but everytime i try he gets mad at me and we fight so i leave it for him to deal with, well this time i regret even trying to help because things have really gone terribly bad, which is where im hoping some advice will help me understand what he is going through. He has turned around to me, completely out of the blue, and has said he doesn't love me anymore, i was totally shocked because there hasn't been any signs of anything wrong, we always tell each other how much we love each, ect, so i didnt understand why he was saying that. When i did ask he tells me he doesn't know why, he cant explain why, he feels empty and very low on himself, he has really seeped into his depression worst then i have seen. I try to talk to him about it but all he is saying is he has lost love for me and he doesn't think those feelings will come back. Each time i try to talk to him i get upset and frustrated because all i want to do get answers but he doesnt have them for me. He has said things that i find hard to understand but i think maybe its the depression talking, he has said he needs space to think about whats going on but is saying he doesn't know if things will change. I've excepted that he wants the space because i know he needs time to process whats happining. I just want to understand what hes going thru. ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​

Emy What should we expect from the mental health system and what should we expect from those suffering with mental illness
  • replies: 11

Hi, I am the primary carer for my boyfriend of two years who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (cluster b), bipolar, depression and the resulting anxiety. Diagnosis have come and gone over the years as have his treating psychiatrists in th... View more

Hi, I am the primary carer for my boyfriend of two years who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (cluster b), bipolar, depression and the resulting anxiety. Diagnosis have come and gone over the years as have his treating psychiatrists in the public system. I would like to explore the following questions and am interested in the thoughts of forum goers: What obligations does/should the mental health system (governments, society, medical professionals, support services) have towards people with severe mental health issues that prevent them from engaging with assistance of their own accord? What should we expect from our loved ones with severe mental health issues in terms of commitment to improving their quality of life? Some context...Engagement with any service (support, professional etc.) relies (to some extent) on the ability and commitment of the mentally ill person to engage. My partner is committed to improving his quality of life but the very nature of his illness somewhat circumvents his ability to actively do so. This often means that he is discharged from health and support services, ultimately for a failure to consistently engage. For a long time I was of the opinion that "I can lead the horse to the water, but I can't make it drink". Having witnessed first hand just how challenging it is for him, I am left questioning how reasonable it is to expect someone to do something that they are programmed to be incapable of doing; are we setting these people up to fail? What is the solution? I have even tried to get him connected with private psychiatrists thinking that surely the service would be more personal and engaging. Four private psychiatrists to date have declined to take him on as a patient. Too hard? Selective? Who knows...? He is committed in principle to recovery but for whatever reason his will is overpowered by the symptoms of his illnesses.I am fully aware that I cannot do it for him, but where is the line drawn between self help and intervention to save a human life?

BC25 New and a bit lost...
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone. Recently I discovered my boyfriend of 2.5 years has depression and anxiety. It all came to a head when I discovered the extent of his addictive behaviour, which was destroying our relationship. He immediately sought counselling, where hi... View more

Hi everyone. Recently I discovered my boyfriend of 2.5 years has depression and anxiety. It all came to a head when I discovered the extent of his addictive behaviour, which was destroying our relationship. He immediately sought counselling, where his therapist mentioned the addictive behaviour being a coping mechanism for depression and anxiety. I feel so blind sided! How could I have been with someone so long and loved him so much and not even known how much he was struggling?? He has been continuing counselling which is making a large difference, and we both feel he is facing his demons. I am so proud of his hard work and dedication, but sometimes I feel very shut out and alone. It is just little things- if he is having a tough day, when we talk on his break at work, he is unresponsive and seems uninterested in my day. From what I can understand, that is like me asking someone who feels like they are drowning to show interest in my ordinary day at work, but nonetheless it can feel very lonely. Then there are other small things- if he does't feel his phone vibrate while he is at work, he starts thinking I don't love him and am angry and going to leave him, even if i have actually messaged him but he just hasn't felt his phone. I felt a bit overwhelmed hearing that- what am I meant to do to help him feel supported and loved? I understand this is distorted thinking on his behalf, and comes with the conditions, but it feels a bit exhausting to me. In summary, from what I have read/advice I have received from friends with depression, the best thing to do is just show him lots of love. Kind words, affection, and support. But is it wrong to feel a bit exhausted from continually doing this, and not always getting much back? He is going through one of the biggest events in his life right now, facing demons which have lay hidden for at least half of his life, but I'm not sure what I should expect back from him? I'm not a robot, and I still need affection and warmth and love too. Prior to this, we were extraordinarily affectionate with each other so I'm feeling a bit stranded. This is all a bit vague, so sorry about that! I am just hoping to get a bit of an idea of what I should expect from him right now, and perhaps advice on how to be supportive and loving.

Tired_and_despairing Am I harming our kids by staying with him?
  • replies: 12

Hi My partner and I have been together for 15 years. We have 2 kids aged 9 and 12. My partner has suffered from chronic depression since the birth of our youngest child. It's been a roller coaster ride for all this time. He's been on six different me... View more

Hi My partner and I have been together for 15 years. We have 2 kids aged 9 and 12. My partner has suffered from chronic depression since the birth of our youngest child. It's been a roller coaster ride for all this time. He's been on six different medications during this time, (all for decent periods of time), seen several different counsellors with varying responses. He's worked intermittently due to his ability to focus or just get out of bed. The isolation for myself and the kids is immense with a few of his friends knowing about his diagnosis, but if I'm honest they don't really know what to do so avoid us rather than offer to help. Our families all live overseas so no option there. I've been living the life of a single parent with an extra worry of him at home as well so I house keep, work, kid mind and dog walk so no real friends. Our kids know that daddy has depression and tends to stay in his man cave when he's at his lowest. He states that he doesn't care or even like the kids (especially our youngest who he sub-consciously blames for his depression) or the dog- hasn't mentioned me, but sure he thinks it. Our youngest has mild anxiety I'm sure as a result of the tension around the house. Today is a bad day. I'm struggling with the thought of is it worse to stay as a family with the stress on me and the kids, or leave and gave the kids and I stress about him all the time? Spending most of today in tears and wondering if this will ever improve- our lives seem on hold, and am I doing more harm to the kids than good? some advice would be appreciated, even though I'm aware that I'm just venting a little as its a bad day thanks in advance

Jayjay89 Medication started working and then depression got worse
  • replies: 4

Hi, I am posting on behalf of my husband who has been struggling with depression for years now. He recently started an antidepressant around 6 months ago and within 2 weeks he could start to feel it taking effect. after about a month there was a noti... View more

Hi, I am posting on behalf of my husband who has been struggling with depression for years now. He recently started an antidepressant around 6 months ago and within 2 weeks he could start to feel it taking effect. after about a month there was a noticeable chance to his attitude and depression symptoms seemed to lighten. We were both excited by this and agreed that we could both notice a change. after about 2-3 months though his depression seems to be back in full force and he says as though he feels it is worse and the medication is not helping at all. We visited the doctor over the weekend who said if they working in the beginning they advised increasing the dosage slightly rather than trying another brand/type. After doing a lot of research I have seen some that suggests having a quick positive change followed by a rapid return of symptoms can actually be a bad thing and might suggest that the medication is not the right type for the user. Has anyone experienced this before? he will continue to take them as the doctor advised I just wanted to see if this is a common thing to happen or if maybe he should talk to the doctor about switching to something different. Thanks all

G_Man Wife has either Bi Polar or BPD
  • replies: 2

My wife is currently going through the period with a psychiatrist where the potential outcomes will either be a diagnosis of BPD or Bi-Polar currently they aren't sure. We have been married nearly 2 years and she has a really traumatic past having lo... View more

My wife is currently going through the period with a psychiatrist where the potential outcomes will either be a diagnosis of BPD or Bi-Polar currently they aren't sure. We have been married nearly 2 years and she has a really traumatic past having lost her mum to suicide when she was 8, suffered abuse at the hands of her grandparents and been in several broken relationships and has 4 children with 3 failed relationahips. None of this bothered me at the time and I fell madly in love with her. Since then her behaviour has changed, she has a big problem with physical intimacy on any level, seems to be down all the time apart from very rare really outrageous high's I am really struggling to cope and looking to connect with people in similar situations. I want to support her unconditionally but without anything at all in return it is so difficult, It makes you feel unloved , is it worth it, will things ever change. Anyone in a similar situation that is either going through similar or has been through similar. I love her to bits and really need some support with how to cope.

Yenni My partner has Narcissitic Abuse Syndrome - how to I help her?
  • replies: 2

hello everyone, My new partner has left a very abusive partner and IMHO suffers Naccisistic Abuse Syndrome. I want to be supportive and understanding but there are many things I dont recognise, or perhaps understand, and am not sure how to deal with ... View more

hello everyone, My new partner has left a very abusive partner and IMHO suffers Naccisistic Abuse Syndrome. I want to be supportive and understanding but there are many things I dont recognise, or perhaps understand, and am not sure how to deal with in a supportive manner. She is still very tied to him and has daily arguments with him pertaining to kids, divorce, assets, fairness, new partners, who is to blame etc. There seems to be an incessant tie of co-dependence that is hard to break. Whilst it doesn't feel like a threat to me as such, I do see how much it breaks her and stresses her out. As its not a pattern of behaviour I have personal experience with, I would like to speak to people who can give me some hard cold facts about how to support her, whilst simultaneoulsy empowering her, and NOT by telling her what to do, which she has had to endure for 12 years as a result of which she is in this situation in the first place. Has anyone got any constructive advise for me?

AndresV86 Supporting my partner on her anxiety
  • replies: 1

Hi all I am new in the forum, I get here because I don't know who to talk to... My partner and I came to Australia 5 years ago to study our PhDs. Everything was going well for the past few years, but since 2013 the economic, the family and many situa... View more

Hi all I am new in the forum, I get here because I don't know who to talk to... My partner and I came to Australia 5 years ago to study our PhDs. Everything was going well for the past few years, but since 2013 the economic, the family and many situations have put pressure in our lives. My partner started to experience depression and anxiety, and it has been really hard on her. I have been trying to support her, at the best I can. But it has been really hard on me. A roller coaster of emotions as I deal with her indifference and anger towards me whenever she experience anxiety episodes. All me life I been a lonely person. It is not that I not able to make friends, but I enjoy being alone. In addition, I am not sure of sharing this with my friends, as my partner and I share the same friendship network. So I been dealing with all of these alone, and for the very first time in many months, I feel that I need to talk somebody about it. I felt I am not good enough for her, I do not know how to support her. I know that she loves me, but sometimes I just feel that she hates me. Other times I really feel angry because she does not try to finish his studies. Lately she have been making progress in her mental health, she is better than she has been in months. But whenever she faces her study responsibilities, she goes back to that state in where she only wants to sleep all day. I get angry, because our postgraduate studies have cost us blood and sweat. I already finish my thesis, and she is close to do the same. But whenever I focus on writing articles, looking for job or that sort of stuff I feel she resents me. I think she feels that is my fault that she have not been able to finish. I know she is jealous of me for advancing in my studies. This is really hard on her, I know. But I am getting exhausted. I love her very much, and I want to help her. But sometimes I feel I can't deal with her problems any more. Sometimes, I even think that it would be easy if I fade to unexistence, as I feel desperate I can not be happy with her again. Is on these moments when my loneliness is not enjoyable anymore, I wish I could count on somebody to support me. I would like to have practical advice on how to cope with her anxiety and depression, and how to not let those monsters to get me too. But I also would like to have somebody to talk about... I just want to let it out of my chest. Looking forward to hear from you,

Daisy007 I'm Tired .......
  • replies: 2

I'm tired......two little words, but for me has so much meaning behind them. My Husband, of 21 years, slipped and fell while on Holidays, 5 weeks after the birth of our 5th child - and he broke his back (not a terrible fracture) 13 years ago. He was ... View more

I'm tired......two little words, but for me has so much meaning behind them. My Husband, of 21 years, slipped and fell while on Holidays, 5 weeks after the birth of our 5th child - and he broke his back (not a terrible fracture) 13 years ago. He was a workaholic with his own business, and his self esteem came for how successful the busniess was - this injury broke him. He continued to work (even though I begged him to take time off to heal). In 2004, he had a disc replacement, more surgery in 2008, and in December 2012 he had a fusion, all the time I supported, encouraged, loved, cared for him etc etc etc. He went of all pain meds and ended up so depressed he wouldn't get out of bed, I'm making a long story short (a lot of pain involved), he had a breakdown and went to a mental health facility in 2013 - he had another breakdown in Nov 2014. He hurt his shoulder at work in Feb this year and has had two surgeries on itin the last 3 months. I work full time, do the housework, help my second son run the business, you name it I do it - I am really struggling at the moment, my husband is heading down that dark rabbit hole again...and I don't think I have anything left to help him get out this time. He has told me it's my fault he had the breakdowns, my fault the kids hate him (of which I know isn't true) I don't really have anyone to talk too, probably my fault because I'm so stubborn. I know I can't make him better, and I know I can't make him see how much I am struggling - and I don't know if I'm strong enough to set boundaries- I'm just tired.....