Am I harming our kids by staying with him?

[Tired_and_despairing]

Hi

My partner and I have been together for 15 years. We have 2 kids aged 9 and 12. My partner has suffered from chronic depression since the birth of our youngest child.

It's been a roller coaster ride for all this time. He's been on six different medications during this time, (all for decent periods of time), seen several different counsellors with varying responses. He's worked intermittently due to his ability to focus or just get out of bed.

The isolation for myself and the kids is immense with a few of his friends knowing about his diagnosis, but if I'm honest they don't really know what to do so avoid us rather than offer to help. Our families all live overseas so no option there. I've been living the life of a single parent with an extra worry of him at home as well so I house keep, work, kid mind and dog walk so no real friends. 

Our kids know that daddy has depression and tends to stay in his man cave when he's at his lowest. He states that he doesn't care or even like the kids (especially our youngest who he sub-consciously blames for his depression) or the dog- hasn't mentioned me, but sure he thinks it. Our youngest has mild anxiety I'm sure as a result of the tension around the house.

Today is a bad day. I'm struggling with the thought of is it worse to stay as a family with the stress on me and the kids, or leave and gave the kids and I stress about him all the time? Spending most of today in tears and wondering if this will ever improve- our lives seem on hold, and am I doing more harm to the kids than good?

some advice would be appreciated, even though I'm aware that I'm just venting a little as its a bad day  

thanks in advance  

[White_Rose]

Dear Tired

Thanks for your story and welcome to Beyond Blue. It is hard to care for someone with any illness. The problem when it is a mental illness no one else can see it, understand it, or know what to do. So they do nothing. Not fair to blame them but not fair that you have to manage the whole package alone.

How much do you know about depression? I suggest you make this your first priority. Knowing your enemy gives you a huge advantage. Click on the blue tabs at the top of the page and go from there. There is information for carers as well, so be sure to get a copy. BB will send you whatever you want.

I also suggestion you have a chat with your GP for several reasons. One is to have a thorough checkup yourself and see what your doctor can offer to support you. Secondly to see if there are any local facilities that can offer support. Perhaps some child minding while you and hubby go out for the evening, or to allow you to meet friends for coffee. Housework is a huge job in times like these so can you get any house cleaning help? It's amazing how a lovely clean home can make you feel better.

It may also be useful if you meet with a counsellor a few times to help your understanding of how to best help your husband. I absolutely admire those that support their spouse in times like this, but it does not mean you should wear yourself out doing it. Getting help with some tasks can be the difference between collapsing yourself or giving you time to yourself to relax.

If you do spend some time with a counsellor you could discuss the pros and cons of separation. It's also OK to tell your husband that you need him to help you more. I really understand how depression makes you feel having gone through a major depression myself. And I lived alone so I had to cope. Sometimes a person with depression will not see their partner is in need of help. In many instances that person will find it helps to carry out some chores, especially if they care for their spouse.

So get informed and get a checkup, then see how you feel. Please get back to us.

Mary

[Tired_and_despairing]

Thanks for your post Mary.

Over the years I have been to many appointments with my partner. Counsellors, GPs and psychiatrists. He's currently just found a new GP as his old one had moved away - constant battle to find him a decent GP who stays.

I have a clear picture of his diagnosis- not only living with him for so long but also because I'm in the health profession. I'm aware that most people would think that this would make life a little easier! However as with many things this isn't the case  

Several years ago I visited my GP and had a trial of anti-depressants myself- I was just so tired at that point. However I found that my mood and tiredness was just a reaction to how low my partner was at that time. 

My real worry is the kids. If we left there is really no where to go. Plus I earn all the money so my partner would be rattling around a huge house with no money and nothing to do but brood. And to be honest I'd be concerned with his safety. If I tried to kick him out again he'd have no where to go and I think it would push him over the edge. Either option the kids would see me splitting the relationship up and if anything happened to him.......

This is a rough weekend and I know we will get through it. We have before and I'm sure we will again. Realistically I don't want to leave as I love him including his depression- as like it or not that is part of him. However it doesn't stop me being tired and very testy currently  

[geoff]

dear Tired and despairing, hi and it's to be able to talk with you.

What Mary has said is so true 'Knowing your enemy gives you a huge advantage', but you have to understand that what is said to you could well and truly be different to another person, because even though it's called depression there are different types and degrees that plagues us.

I can't say much more than what Mary has said, only that a decision to leave your husband is not an easy one to make.

I'm sure that at the moment most week ends are really tough with your kids wanting to go out and have some fun, but how can you have any fun, maybe for a little while, but as soon as you drive home then the big concern falls back onto you.

Working in the health profession, doesn't make your situation any better, because you would have Tom Dick and Harry saying what you should be doing, so it only confuses you, so probably now you keep quiet.

Your decision to leave isn't easy, so are you going to have leave with kids or does your husband have to leave, but then where to, sorry I'm only confusing you, but do you have any thoughts about where he could go, I know it's difficult, but would love to hear back from you. L Geoff. x

[LuluRose]

I don't have any real advice for you except to say that I understand. My situation is similar but with older children. You nailed it when you said that you feel like your life is on hold. Some days all it seems like you did was a repeat of yesterday and the day before. my partner has lost interest in all the things we used to enjoy together, really, all the things that brought us together as a couple. I made the decision to still do these things even if he didn't want to come along. I always still ask and on a good day he sometimes says yes but the good days are rare.

For your kids sake you still need to have a social life, to go to the park, or swimming, or the Farmer's Market, even if your husband won't come. A change of scenery sometimes brings a change of perspective. How do you explain depression to your children? Do they understand why their daddy is unwell? I imagine that's a tough one with younger children.

 It's okay to vent at times, we all need a place to sound off. This forum feels like a safe, welcoming place to gain support. I'm new myself but plan on sticking around. There's not a lot out there for families.

Warmly,

Lulu 

[Tired_and_despairing]

Thanks Lulu. 

I found your reply reassuring. Some of the replies to other posts just seem to be too general and as if a party line is being spoken.

Each day is hard. Mostly repetitive and we feel like we are walking on egg shells waiting to see what mood daddy is in, of how tolerant he will be with the usual kids squabbles. 

The last week has been very variable but a good weekend and week even managed to go out as a family.

however today is not so good, and I'm feeling just sad myself today. However I'm not really allowed to take time,as have to kid wrangle and placate the black dogged one.

wish I had a crystal ball to check whether I'm doing the kid more harm by staying and exposing them to all this. Should the kids really have this good an understanding of depression at this age? Or would it be better to bring them up alone with them blaming me for splitting their parents up- because that's the impression they would be left with?

i know no-one can really answer these questions for me. But need to write them down at least so others know that they aren't alone  

[wifey]

Hi, I just wanted to say I'm also in a similar situation. We have a 4yo, 2yo and 2 week old. The latest was born premature so it's been a tough few weeks. Husband has a chronic illness and suffers anxiety and depression (probably ptsd too). He swings from being amazing with the kids to snapping at them and crying (worse at the moment). I worry how it effects them. Plus seeing him in front of the TV all day (chronic illness keeps his movement limited) and he leaves the house about once every 2 to 3 months. Our 4yo is starting to wonder why and ask for friends to come over. She's wondering why she can't. He doesn't want any visitors ever. I feel totally responsible for their social acceptance and development as well as keeping life running (bills, work, school, appointments, etc) and entertaining them. Some days its just too much. 

 Walking on egg shells covers it pretty well. 

[Hypatia]

I came here to see if there was something that would help me feel more like I can cope - my partner of more than a decade has been struggling valiantly against crushing depression for more than a year now, and I'm finding it harder and harder: the walking on eggshells, the being-relentlessly-positive-and-supportive, the never-knowing-if-I-am-saying/doing-the-helpful/right-thing, the having-to-earn-the-money-manage-the-money-worry-about-all-the-household-stuff-alone; the constant fear he'll get worse, even on a good day; the overwhelming fear that nothing will ever be good again and this is all I have left in life.
But reading these posts, all I want to do is hug you all. This is a hard, hard gig. In some ways, I am very fortunate - my partner tries not to make it hard for me; we don't have kids; he's still capable of part-time professional work - and I *still* barely feel like I'm coping most days. So I can't solve your dilemma @Tired and despairing, but I can salute you and @wifey and @Lulurose. Kids are resilient - whatever you decide, they will be ok, with love and support, and awesome caring mamas.  My dad had an anger problem - not depression - but I grew up walking on eggshells, and if I do say so myself, I'm kinda awesome, just like my mum.

[awolf]

I am new to this forum but in the same boat as well with a younger son. I am at the point where I feel like for his (sons) sake, I need to leave. This is a horrifying thought because this man is the love of my life. I am crazy for him but it is not good for my son to see a marriage like this, I know that for a fact. I am at the point of asking myself, "Will this improve?" and "What else could I possibly do to help him?"

I am afraid it will not improve and I cant possibly DO anything more...

Just remember you are not alone and your children will understand someday

[LuluRose]

Checking in to see how you are doing. You seemed so flat and not sure what to do next when you posted here.

 How is your husband doing? And your children? Hoping that you have been able to manage some gentle times.

 Take care and be kind to yourself. Can you check in when you get a chance?

 Warmest wishes,

Lulu...xo