My partner has Narcissitic Abuse Syndrome - how to I help her?

[Yenni]

hello everyone,

 My new partner has left a very abusive partner and IMHO suffers Naccisistic Abuse Syndrome. I want to be supportive and understanding but there are many things I dont recognise, or perhaps understand, and am not sure how to deal with in a supportive manner.

 She is still very tied to him and has daily arguments with him pertaining to kids, divorce, assets, fairness, new partners, who is to blame etc. There seems to be an incessant tie of co-dependence that is hard to break. Whilst it doesn't feel like a threat to me as such, I do see how much it breaks her and stresses her out. As its not a pattern of behaviour I have personal experience with, I would like to speak to people who can give me some hard cold facts about how to support her, whilst simultaneoulsy empowering her, and NOT by telling her what to do, which she has had to endure for 12 years as a result of which she is in this situation in the first place. Has anyone got any constructive advise for me?

[pipsy]

Hi Yenni.  Not knowing how long your partner was with this person, it's hard to know how to answer.  Narcissistic people tend to blame everyone for their problems.  Over time, everyone affected by them starts to believe what they're being told.  Outsiders who know the couple, are told by the narcissist that the other person is causing the problem.  Your partner is so used to accepting the blame for everything, it's going to take a lot of time for her to believe that she is not responsible when the sun doesn't shine.  Narcissists even tell their partners parents not to believe anything they're told.  Your partner's ex partner won't want to make anything easy for her, he will try every trick in the book to turn her kids, you and everyone else against her.  His lawyer probably hasn't got a clue what's going on, because no matter what she tells her lawyer, her ex will deny.  Unless the lawyers know they're dealing with a narcissist, you're in for the battle of the century.  He will plead poverty before agreeing to hand her a cent.  I would try and get hold of some literature pertaining to narcissists, so that you have some idea how to deal with each problem.  I think BB may be able to help you as well.   Was he physically abusive as well? 

I congratulate you being so willing to 'be there' for her.

Good luck to you both.  Hope I've been of some help.

[IAMTHAT_IAM]

Hi Yenni

 I have been with an extreme NPD person for years mate, I would recommending your partner  understanding everything clinically about NPD, its like Autism there are spectrums and also extreme cases. I found understanding it a way to better handle it myself. If you have kids, property etc still connected it can be so frustrating, they don't change so you have to if you are ever to get some peace. The whole existence is control, if your partner feels completely rattled then the narcissist has achieved their goal. The narcissist will bend stretch and distort and situation or conversation and you are left feeling mental, depleted and questioning yourself all the time. 

I also found transferring my energy helps, I mean that I understood this condition and instead of working out why they do it or combating it, or feeling frustrated! basically don't give a sh*t just spend most of your day on what you want to do, find new things to do and when the NPD (Sorry narcissistic personal disorder, or someone with) rattles you develop skills to "swipe right" thats another way of just like deleting something on your phone just move on quickly, this technique gets easier and faster as you practice it.

I feel your pain, and hers and understand how difficult this constant distraction to good life is - but don't let it  get to you! easier said than done and I can't talk! 

I read a lot of information, watched youtube video's about NPD and they all say don't confront a person with NPD it will be met with unwavering rage and they will go out of their way to make your life a misery - so me being me confronted a NPD person and they were right they would rather find the most horrible thing thats not true and lie and get you jailed before they get help! these are nasty people - once they realise your on to them it gets worse so if there are kids involved, take my advice play the game!

Another thing I will add in parting, i advise some help from a professional like phycologist (get detail from BB about mental health plan to cover costs, it starts with GP) but insist they have experience or knowledge with Narcissistic Personality Disorder it will make a big difference.

Good luck my friend hope this helps, keep in touch

Az