Supporting my partner on her anxiety

[AndresV86]

Hi all

 I am new in the forum, I get here because I don't know who to talk to...

My partner and I came to Australia 5 years ago to study our PhDs. Everything was going well for the past few years, but since 2013 the economic, the family and many situations have put pressure in our lives. 

My partner started to experience depression and anxiety, and it has been really hard on her. I have been trying to support her, at the best I can. But it has been really hard on me. A roller coaster of emotions as I deal with her indifference and anger towards me whenever she experience anxiety episodes.  All me life I been a lonely person. It is not that I not able to make friends, but I enjoy being alone. In addition, I am not sure of sharing this with my friends, as my partner and I share the same friendship network. So I been dealing with all of these alone, and for the very first time in many months, I feel that I need to talk somebody about it. 
I felt I am not good enough for her, I do not know how to support her. I know that she loves me, but sometimes I just feel that she hates me. Other times I really feel angry because she does not try to finish his studies. Lately she have been making progress in her mental health, she is better than she has been in months. But whenever she faces her study responsibilities, she goes back to that state in where she only wants to sleep all day. 
I get angry, because our postgraduate studies have cost us blood and sweat. I already finish my thesis, and she is close to do the same. But whenever I focus on writing articles, looking for job or that sort of stuff I feel she resents me. I think she feels that is my fault that she have not been able to finish. I know she is jealous of me for advancing in my studies.

This is really hard on her, I know. But I am getting exhausted. I love her very much, and I want to help her. But sometimes I feel I can't deal with her problems any more. Sometimes, I even think that it would be easy if I fade to unexistence, as I feel desperate I can not be happy with her again. Is on these moments when my loneliness is not enjoyable anymore, I wish I could count on somebody to support me. 

I would like to have practical advice on how to cope with her anxiety and depression, and how to not let those monsters to get me too. But I also would like to have somebody to talk about... I just want to let it out of my chest. 

Looking forward to hear from you,

[Hypatia]

Dear Andres,

Congratulations on making it here and posting! I seem to use the phrase "this is a hard, hard gig" daily at the moment, but it is - caring and loving someone with a mental illness is a hard gig, and very lonely a lot of the time. I hope you can come here when you just need to unload - most of us do need to do that often!

One of the few things that I insisted on with my partner when his depression worsened was that I got to tell my closest friends, even though they were also his friends. I need the support - and the strange "covering up" dynamic you get when people don't know and you have to say no to stuff, is really draining. You are, as you know, dealing with hard stuff too and if you need someone to talk to IRL (or over Skype!), I think you should negotiate that with your partner. (I am trying to work out now how to broach with him that I also want to let *one" of his mother, sibling or closest friend into the loop as well, so I have someone I can ask to check on him when I really need a break. )

You don't mention if she is in treatment? It is likely that your university offers some kind of assistance, and I think it will make things much easier for you both if she can start that path. It's not easy, but some sense of forward movement can help, and therapy is also a good way of both of you defining your roles in this. Anxiety disorders are very common in higher education communities, unfortunately, but it should mean there is appropriate and non-judgemental support around.

I know that maybe-I-should-just-fade-away feeling - for me, it can come with not seeing any viable way out of this, not wanting to leave, finding it increasingly painful/intolerable to be living with the illness. I think you should try talking to your GP/doctor about this, or go to the university counsellor. Sometimes just talking things over can make the loneliness subside a bit, and you *will* eventually go under if you don't find  some way of taking care of yourself, and having some space for you.

Congratulations on getting to the final stages of your doctorate. It is a big achievement, and I hope you are able to feel some pride and joy amid the stresses!

Hugs - and you really aren't alone. There are lots of us out there doing it too!