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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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tryingtounderstand1979 How do I help my partner
  • replies: 5

About six months ago I started a new relationship. Things were really amazing, he really is the best man I have ever met. He was caring, gentle, affectionate and always told me how happy I made him. He did all of those little things that people do wh... View more

About six months ago I started a new relationship. Things were really amazing, he really is the best man I have ever met. He was caring, gentle, affectionate and always told me how happy I made him. He did all of those little things that people do when they are new in love - random text messages etc. He said things to me such as I had given him a new look on life and that he really enjoyed his time with me. About 2 months ago things changed, and it really did feel as though there was an overnight change. He has become withdrawn, unaffectionate, not interested in sex, but also never gives me a hug or a kiss unless I ask for it. He isn't sleeping properly and often gets up really early to go to work when it isn't necessary, he will not communicate with me and is generally uninterested and distant. He is drinking and gambling heavily. I know that he has been diagnosed with bipolar and it was quite severe to a point where he was hospitalised for about a month. I have found out that in his previous relationship his girlfriend left him when he became ill. I know all of this from comments made by friends, he has not told me this. He has told his friend previously that he does not need to take medication and that he has researched the topic to a point where he knows how to control it. As I mentioned he has been pulling away from me and wants to break up as he said "he can not continue being in a relationship that he does not feel fully into and that if he cab it find it in himself to act how a partner should then there is no point being there for the sake of it, running ourselves down until someone breaks" I was hurt, angry and confused at the time. He has asked for some space and I have said I respect his need for space. This was before I knew the history with his illness and his previous relationship. I could be wrong but it seems he may be experiencing a low again and he is pushing me away due to the previous experience with his girlfriend leaving. Please can I ask your advice as to how I approach this with him. How long do I give him space for and when I do speak to him again how do I go about saying that now that I know I can support him and we can work through this together. Previously I felt unloved and a burden on him etc, but if I know he is unwell and I know the best way to support him I can be less needy and help him through this so one day we can get back to our happy place.

lilley Sometimes I just want to give up on them but I know I never will.
  • replies: 5

My daughter was in two abusive relationships aged 13 to 17 .Now in a better relationship but she suffers anxiety and depression, never finished school . Everything causes her anxiety , eating sleeping what to wear ,what to do. She is doing a course a... View more

My daughter was in two abusive relationships aged 13 to 17 .Now in a better relationship but she suffers anxiety and depression, never finished school . Everything causes her anxiety , eating sleeping what to wear ,what to do. She is doing a course and I feel some days are good but tests or assignments cause severe anxiety. She has just started to see a psychologist , but its hard some days she doesn't want to get out of bed. My husband has depression and we have been affected financially.It is so hard being the strong one, I cry most days driving on the way to work. I never know what's about to happen , will my husband go to work today ? Will my daughter get up to go to college tomorrow ? I suffer anxiety daily worrying about what will happen next with them ? I love them dearly , some days I don't know how I will go on!

deek21 not sure what to do anymore. husband going through depression
  • replies: 3

Hi everyone, This is my first time one bb and I need advice guidance. My husband has been going through anxiety and depression for years. 10+years. We have been together now for 9years and have a daughter who is 2 years old. Im 25 and my husband is 3... View more

Hi everyone, This is my first time one bb and I need advice guidance. My husband has been going through anxiety and depression for years. 10+years. We have been together now for 9years and have a daughter who is 2 years old. Im 25 and my husband is 31 , hes been on and off medication since we got together. Being 17 and he was 22 i wasn't really worried if i couldn't support him because back then i thought I knew enough. So hes back and rock bottom again! And I am unsure of everything yet again. Hes crying alot doesn't want to go to work cant cope. He doesn't want to see family and friends, our intimacy is gone, his moods are all over the place one minute hes depressed next hes angry and hates and complains about everything. . I thought it would be easier now that its happened so many times before but im in a hard place. We planned on trying for baby#2 in Dec . I know its off the cards, and i feel so lost. My daughter whos 2 seems to understand somewhat that daddy and mommy are sad. Asking if we are ok and happy breaks my heart. And I am left doing it all alone, cooking, working, maintaining the house and our child. Then supporting my husband. Its hard, i don't know where I see myself in the next few years with him. Hes on some anxiety tabs; which make him feel hungover and at the same time he hates it! I just feel so lost as to whats best for my daughter. I love my husband but i don't know how much I can handle anymore. I know if it was me id want support but at the same time im losing myself and I feel like im losing my touch as a mom. I don't know if the best for my daughter to be in a relationship with her dad despite his depression and her see it all. Or to leave and keep her protected knowing what i go through. I feel like I have relived this so many times before that im over it. At the same time i feel guilty to put my needs or even my daughter's before someone whos so broken. Please give me some advice, i have been doing this since I was 17! What else can I do?

ButterflyInTheSky Weaning off antidepressants and broke up
  • replies: 5

My boyfriend of 1.5 years had been suffering from depression for most of his life. He was not on them when we first met. He was very open with me about his condition from the start and we would talk about it. I was there to support him no matter what... View more

My boyfriend of 1.5 years had been suffering from depression for most of his life. He was not on them when we first met. He was very open with me about his condition from the start and we would talk about it. I was there to support him no matter what. He decided to start antidepressants about 4 months into after meeting each other and he became a whole new person. He asked me to officially be his girlfriend. He was very affectionate, complimented me all the time, his mood had changed for the better, it was amazing. During the next year, I helped him go through a certification class, we moved in together, he was on his way to a new career path. He decided to wean himself off his antidepressants about 4 weeks before he broke up with me. I'm wondering if his weaning off the medication had anything to do with breaking up with me. His reasons were that he wanted to be alone. He wanted a place of his own where he could do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. I don't feel I asked much of him during our relationship. For example, I'd decide where to go for dinner because he didn't want to decide. I'd make sure he was okay with it and gave him chances to tell me if he really didn't want to do something. And now he has used this against me. I was a very supportive girlfriend. I let him know I was there for him. I researched depression and tried as much as I could to understand it and be a good support system for him. I can't figure out why he broke up with me other than maybe his weaning off the antidepressants could have played a part in all this. I feel so lost.

Bbread How do I approach my partner to get help?
  • replies: 2

Hi there, I've been with my partner for about 3 years. Ive suspected for a while now that he has Borderline Personality Disorder. Based purely on Internet research so not definite but he ticks all the boxes for personality traits. In our years togeth... View more

Hi there, I've been with my partner for about 3 years. Ive suspected for a while now that he has Borderline Personality Disorder. Based purely on Internet research so not definite but he ticks all the boxes for personality traits. In our years together, he's been charming, helpful, compassionate, driven, smart, super talented, kind, nasty, abusive, disloyal, untruthful, abusive, manipulative, unpredictable and unreliable. An absolute roller coaster. Ive left him in the past (moved countries back home), got a new job etc. But totally bought into his promises to change and then before I had time to realise these were more empty promises, we got pregnant. Now I have the most amazing daughter but am back in a relationship with someone I don't trust and has the ability to flip out (even in front of our daughter) and things turn absolutely chaotic till he calms down again. Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do or how I can approach him about the possibility that he has a mental illness? We've talked many times about counselling but because he CONSTANTLY changes our living situation, it makes it really hard to tie him down to see someone. He also works a LOT so that makes it harder too. I think maybe we/he needs something more than counselling. I'm not sure. Open to any advice.

Party_Pies I make my wife anxious
  • replies: 1

Hello. I have been married for three years and love my wife and always will. Four months ago, she told me we were in a rut. Her grievances included not taking her out on dates often enough, not helping enough around the house and general intimacy. I ... View more

Hello. I have been married for three years and love my wife and always will. Four months ago, she told me we were in a rut. Her grievances included not taking her out on dates often enough, not helping enough around the house and general intimacy. I acknowledge that I had probably begun to take her for granted and have since done everything in my power to rectify those issues. I regularly organise dates, and now do majority of the housework and cooking. But none of this has worked. Since this time she has acted distant from me and rarely speaks to me except to provide a brief answer to a question that I have asked her. This was made particularly clear to me during our recent overseas holiday. About a month ago we started seeing a couples counsellor. Prior to this my wife had told me that she had experienced a couple of panic attacks and was feeling generally anxious. At the counselling session, she disclosed that I make her feel anxious and that she dreads the idea of coming home to me. My wife and I have never really had a verbal altercation and I have never and would never be violent towards her or anyone. Sometimes she bottles up her emotions, but generally we are fairly open in our communication to each other. Tonight is the third time that my wife has gone to stay at her parents' house. I told her to take as long as she needs. I am concerned that we are just going around in circles by continuing to have time apart. I've read a lot of the posts in forums which talk about general anxiety and depression and helping partners to cope. But I haven't come across anything to help my situation - where I am the cause of the anxiety. Can anyone provide some ways to create an environment where she can feel safe and less anxious? Thanks in advance

CtrlAltDelete Am I being over the top or are my feelings being devalued?
  • replies: 5

Just a bit of background story first. I've been with my partner for 10 years now and he has had depression and anxiety for at least 5 years. He doesn't take medication anymore or seeks outside help as he thinks only he can fix it himself. He has been... View more

Just a bit of background story first. I've been with my partner for 10 years now and he has had depression and anxiety for at least 5 years. He doesn't take medication anymore or seeks outside help as he thinks only he can fix it himself. He has been out of a job for two years. I was diagnosed with depression probably about 12 years ago, and I had been doing ok. I am not a fan of medication myself but have seen it benefit others. I have also seen a counsellor a few times but haven't found one that fits me yet and I can't afford to pay for one either at the moment as money is fairly tight even though I have a full time job. Anyway... I came home for lunch as always and ended up in a fight with my partner. I'm not sure how it started, but I told him that it seems like things aren't getting better for him as he still refuses to do stuff that I do all the time for him and it would be nice if he could help out by doing these things for me once in a while. e.g. getting take away, going down to pay rent or doing groceries. But he says his anxiety stops him from doing it. We've had this fight many times and always a few days later he'll say he's doing well. I feel like he's using this as an excuse not do things. Over the last 6 months or so he's been saying a lot (some not so nice things) about how much weight I've put on 10+ kgs or so. He keeps saying that if I had listened to him ages ago about exercising I wouldn't be so big now. I got very upset and said that things have been hard for me and I've been feeling depressed for a while now and that's why I haven't had energy to work out. He said that if I had depression there would be no way I could hold on to a full time job and be social with the people I work with. He said if anything I might have a tiny bit of anxiety but nothing most people usual get. I said that there are many degrees of depression and people can hide it very well, especially when they want to keep their job. He doesn't believe me and says that I'm faking! Anytime that I try to talk about how I feel, he just acts like they're not real feelings or like they don't really matter. Surely not all symptoms of depression are the same? He says it feels like his chest is tightening and he can't breathe. I get the breathless thing but I tend to just shut down or get angry.

DianeB Hate feelings and emotions
  • replies: 8

Hello, I'm turning to you on the forum to understand something with by boyfriend who has depression. He said he hates feelings, emotions, love and wish to have a relationship avoiding feelings because it's difficult to manage. Can you help me to unde... View more

Hello, I'm turning to you on the forum to understand something with by boyfriend who has depression. He said he hates feelings, emotions, love and wish to have a relationship avoiding feelings because it's difficult to manage. Can you help me to understand this? Thanks

LuluRose New to Beyond Blue - my partner has depression.
  • replies: 2

I'm new to Beyond Blue but not to depression. My partner of 10 years was diagnosed with depression around five years ago but it began some 18 months before then. He is under the care of a GP and is taking medication, along with medication for a numbe... View more

I'm new to Beyond Blue but not to depression. My partner of 10 years was diagnosed with depression around five years ago but it began some 18 months before then. He is under the care of a GP and is taking medication, along with medication for a number of other health conditions. He was the director of a large organisation but was made redundant two years ago. I was extremely worried that the redundancy would send him into a downward spiral but it didn't. He has set up a small business which is very slow but he does get some work with it. We have two young adult children living at home. We were both sole parents when we met and merged our two families in 2007. The greatest difficulty the children and I face is that the person we once knew and loved is no longer there. Instead there is a man who is negative almost all the time and has an extremely short fuse. The man I fell in love with is no longer there and while I do not have any plans to leave, at times I could easily walk out and just keep walking. Depression has made him very insular and self centred, selfish even, nothing is ever his "fault" and he is never wrong. He is so far removed from the person I remember. At the moment I'd give almost anything for him to compliment me, it's been a long time. He didn't remember our 10th anniversary recently and it broke my heart. He isn't seeing a counsellor or psychologist. He had an appointment with a psychiatrist last week but I have no idea how that went. The standard answer when I ask how he got on at the doctor is "fine". I only discovered his psychiatrist appointment by accident, he didn't tell me he was going. When I have asked how he is doing or how I can support him it's the same response, "I'm fine". It feels like he has an invisible brick wall surrounding him that's impossible to scale. He is going away tomorrow for five days and the kids and I are looking forward to a peaceful time. I love him very much but at times just cannot like him. I understand it's the depression that is causing this and wish so much that there was a quick fix. I'm hoping this new medication that the psychiatrist prescribed will have some positive effect. Thanks for listening. I have one friend who I can discuss our situation with as she is in a similar place. My other friends either know him or are his friends too and it's not fair that I discuss him with them. There just doesn't seem to be a lot of support out there for families .

Staceyrebekah Need help with my husband
  • replies: 2

My husband hasn't been the same since coming back from Afghanistan. His moods are like a roller coaster and he refuses to see anyone about it because he says men don't need to talk about their feelings. He has been out of the army for 2 years now, we... View more

My husband hasn't been the same since coming back from Afghanistan. His moods are like a roller coaster and he refuses to see anyone about it because he says men don't need to talk about their feelings. He has been out of the army for 2 years now, we have been to marriage counselling but he's so up and down. Help!