Anxiety, breakup and feeling unwanted.

[Sunlight_flower]

My partner of 5 years came to me after a day at work stressed out and worried; ‘I think have anxiety’.I didn’t know how to handle it, I myself had issues with depression/anxiety as a teenager. 

Few weeks later he became very stressed about work and I tried to support him. After an hour of sleep and a morningat work he came home and said he wanted to move, 4 hrs away. At first I thought it was both of us, then I thought it wasgo back long distance but it became apparent it was a break up. 

A few days before he left he asked me see the psychologist to talk about things or we may break up. I had problems withintimacy. I knew it frustrated him as did it frustrate me. I felt pushed at times and like an object. It put a big strain on thingsand he has sited it as the as the reason for the break up. I’ve never been one for talking and talking to someone aboutsomething I didn’t even understand was daunting. I asked him to give me a week to think, I didn’t get a week. 

I spent the afternoon at a friend’s, while my parents drove him up the road to meet his family. I didn’t know he was going(he has apologised for leaving like this), I thought I would come home and he’d be there. The day after he left we spoke on the phone and he called me family and said he loved me, but said that he needed his family.I felt and I still do feel worthless, to be called family but not be family.

 I offered to move to be with him, but he told me I wouldn’t cope. Offered to go long distance again (we were long-distance forthe first 8months) and even offered to make this just a break, but he said can’t make promises. I explained how great it would beto have a fresh start. I have more friends in his home town then my own. But he just kept saying I wouldn’t cope and he doesn’tsee things working.   

We own a home together, and now all he wants to talk about is the house, anything else puts him on edge and causes an anxiety attack.It’s really hard for me to just talk about the house, I had dreamed a future for us. I was never one for dreaming futures, but I had donethat for us.  All of this has me seeing a psychologist and now I’m waiting to see my Dr for something to help with the stress.

 He’s told me he has still feelings for me, so why can’t we be together? 

Has anyone been in this type of situation that can help me make sense of it all?

[Doolhof]

Hi Sunlight.Flower,

It sounds like this all happened fairly suddenly and you had little idea what was going on.

Have you talked with your parents about their thoughts in this matter after all they drove your partner to his family. They might have an insight into what is going on.

It would be a good idea to see your Dr and have a chat about how you are feeling. You could also use the phone help line here at Beyond Blue or Life Line. You might find it easier to talk with a person over the phone perhaps.

Relationships can be difficult especially with issues like stress, depression, money and sex!

There have been quite a few posts about sex here at Beyond Blue. Women and men are so different when it comes to sex. That is a generalised statement, or course we all have our own way of looking at sex depending on how we were brought up, how we feel about it and relating to what ever else is going on in our lives.

My husband didn't understand that sex at half time during the footy was not all that romantic. I tried to explain it is not a thing you can turn on like  tap. There was to be no talking during the footy, then okay, half time, time for sex, then back to the footy! I just didn't get that at all!

It is really hard when your dreams are shattered and you don't know which way things are going turn out. For now, try to make the most of what you do have. Reach out to your family and friends. Do activities that you enjoy. Talk to people about how you are feeling and reach out to someone, anyone if you become really depressed and confused over all that is happening.

Hope some of this helps, cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Sunlight_flower]

Thanks mrs dool. 

 My parents weren't aware at the time he hadn't told me, he was right then. He's apologised to them for it and genuinely feels bass for putting them in the middle. They drove because they wanted him to be safe he wasn't in a state to drive. 

Ive been seeing a pysch, at first it was because he had asked me, but it's now because I want to. They've been helping me understand my own thoughts and things that contributed to issues in the relationship. 

 I don't believe he's reason for the break up is what he has said; when he said it, it seemed very hollow and an answer for the sake of an answer. Maybe with appointments of his own he might understand himself. 

[Doolhof]

Hi Sunlight.Flower,

It is great that you are receiving some help to work out what is going on with your thoughts and feelings and to be able to see if you need help to move on in the future.

You parents sound like very caring people to be concerned enough to drive your partner to his family as they were concerned for his wellbeing. It was good of your partner to apologise to your parents for putting them int he middle of all of your concerns.

Have you spoken with your partner since he has moved out? Do you know his family very well? Could you speak with them about what is happening or is that not a good idea?

Meantime, it is important for you to make the most out of each day, to find something nice to do for yourself and to make sure you continue to reach out to people when you are feeling down or just needing to chat.

It is really tough when someone walks away from us, if it be a partner, a friend or a family member. We may never know why people do these things, and maybe sometimes the person who leaves may be confused as well as to what is happening and why.

There are many stories on this site of people leaving others. It is quite sad but it happens so frequently. I guess some people are just not meant to stay in a forever relationship.

Look after yourself, cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Sunlight_flower]

I have spoken to him, but he can't handle anything more then talking about the house. 

last week he came to town and we spoke for an hour. There wasn't much about the relationship, just the house, general things, how we're deaing and a few other things. 

I do know his family, they've been mine since the start. But I don't want to get them involved in our relationship. He has said he would let me know if anything big was wrong, but it doesn't make it any easier. 

His said in a conversation this week (most talk is small and by txt) he still has feelings for me and that he has tossed me aside (I told him I felt tossed). So I feel I'm living in limbo, 

[Doolhof]

Hi Sunlight.flower,

Feeling like you are living in limbo is certainly not always a good feeling is it?

If you don't mind me asking, what is your partner saying about the house? Is he indicating that he wants it to be sold? I may be jumping to conclusions here, but if that is the case do you have any plans or strategies to deal with this?

It must be really hard for you to know that this guy still has feelings for you but right now it seems like he just can't live with you.

Relationships Australia is an organisations that helps people to deal with relationship[ issues. I am not sure if you will be able to find a counsellor close to you. Just having someone to talk about what is happening would be very beneficial for you.

Maybe you could write down what you hope will happen between you and your partner, then write down other options in case things don't go as you want them to.

I feel like you need to get your life back on track one way or another if he comes back or not. I know that is not an easy thing to do, but it will certainly be worth while!

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Sunlight_flower]

Limbo is waiting for a train that may or not may not come and if it does come will it stop for me? The house he’s removed/removing himself from the bills. He hasn’t actually said anything about selling/being bought out.I’ve just said I’ll take it on and he hasn’t disagreed. People keep telling me to concentrate on myself and to get my life back on track. It’s something I suppose have to do nomatter how hard.  

[Lilstudent]

Hi Sunlight Flower,

 i am really sorry to hear of the situation your partner has put you in. It definitely sounds like he is leaving you in limbo with no idea of what train will come, what time or even if it will be a train at all. 

You mentioned that you have tried talking to him and that he doesn't want to talk about anything but the house which is definitely disappointing, he owes you and explanation for sure. 

I know you have said you don't want to involve his family but if you are close to them I would think it would be a good start to opening up better communication channels. Tell them that you want to be there for him and will make the changes you have mentioned but he is shutting you out.

i just want to let you know that sharing your story has helped me also, I'm currently dealing with a bit of depression & struggling with the strain on my relationship and it is hearing how it hurts others that has stopped me from running away. 

Hope you and your partner can work through this x

[Sunlight_flower]

I’m not sure that I can say he’s my partner. To use his words ‘we are broken up for now’. Talking to him about the relationship has been like talking to two people. He says one thing, then contradicts it. (eg ‘You’re family and I love you. I need to be with my family. I need to do it alone’). 

I’m really trying to understand what he’s going thru, but when he’s 100’s of kms away and wants to do it alone it’s hard.

 I would contact his family, but it would piss him off. Especially after I got upset when he contacted my mum to check on me.  I’ve written letters and told him to his face I would do anything, but he has an answer for everything; they either change or don’t make sense.  

Keep your head up and please don’t shut your partner out. Don’t mistake someone’s lack of communication or lack of  showing emotions for not caring.I suck at communication/talking and showing emotions. It frustrated him, and when anxiety kicked in it he got angry and not thinking I got angry back. The night before he left I said yeah to something and he got really angry ‘is that all you have to say’.  I ended up going outside, ignoring him and telling him ‘no matter what I say you get angry, so yes I am ignoring you’. We ended up forgetting about it and he helped me in the shed. Sometimes people don’t have big answers. Sometimes people aren't sure of their emotions. 

[Doolhof]

Hi again. It does sound like this guy is really quite unsure of what he wants in life right now.

It is difficult when we have trouble communicating as being able to express how we feel and what we are thinking is very important in any relationship. It is so easy to misunderstand something another person is trying to communicate to you.

Are you managing okay financially looking after the expenses for the house? If not then you might be able to talk to the bank or mortgage agency. Is the house in both of your names? You might want to check where you stand legally regarding the house.

So what do you mean when you mentioned this guy called your parents to check up on you? Was he making sure you were okay or did he want to know what you were doing?

I hope you manage to find some answers soon.

From Mrs. Dools