walking on eggshells

Sinking · ‎22-10-2015

My husband is suffering from anxiety and has recently started taking medication to help. Although at first this helped it now seems to have different side affects and it seems to be as if he now has depression and is very moody almost to the point of angry outbursts. It's very scary and makes me feel like I'm walking on eggshells at all times waiting to see what mood he will be in. It also has affected his sex drive to almost non existent which I understand can be a side affect but is still hard to deal with. I've asked him to go back to the doctors and tell them what his side affects are to make sure everything is fine but he refuses. I feel as if I'm a bad person and its all my fault .I don't know what to do ....I feel like I'm sinking and no matter what I do to help I know in the end I will drown

Zeal · ‎23-10-2015

Dear Sinking,

This is tough. Your husband is getting defensive, and is obviously frustrated by the side effects. His self-esteem is probably being affected also, which is understandable. Going to your doctor and asking for advice on how to help and support your husband would be great. You can also mention the side effects, and see what your doctor thinks. Communication is key in these situations.

I hope you and your husband get through this difficult situation as best you can.

Best wishes,

SM

JessF · ‎23-10-2015

Hello Sinking, medication alone is rarely the answer. Is your husband seeing a psychologist?

Sinking · ‎23-10-2015

Thanks for advice, I've been to doctors before and I haven't found one yet that has given me any advice to help him that I already don't try .And he is not seeing anyone and I really don't think he ever will even though he and I both know it will help him to feel better. We have been together for 15 years and I know how stubborn he can be 😕 . I usually can deal with it all but lately I just feel like its bubbling inside of me and when he started taking medication he was like a different person at first and I felt relief and I feel guilty for feeling that:/ and then now with all these side effects and him being down I feel like hope is gone...

daisy2156 · ‎25-10-2015

Hello Sinking

I know what your going through, my husband is in the same situation, took me 10 years to get him to see a doctor, and it only happened when I finally moved out (behavior was effecting kids) now he has finally gone to see someone and has been put on medication which he is finding really hard to take as the side effects make him feel weird, am trying to convince him to stick with it until he goes back to see his doctor, apparently there are so many different types out there, it may take a while to get the right ones/dose. But he's only been on them for 3 days, and doc says to give it a few weeks, am really worried he's not going to see it through...It's really hard to stay supportive, but all we can really do is keep encouraging them to do the right thing, but at the same time realize that they have to take the initiative...you can lead a horse to water but can't make them drink!

Sinking · ‎25-10-2015

Hi daisy2156, that is so true! we can only do what we can do , it's just so hard sometimes! My husband has been on his medication for a few weeks but I really do think he needs to go back and change them .The first week was really hard for him , like yours , but after a week or so is when he had improvement before going back downhill a couple weeks later so your hubby should notice a difference after a week or so hopefully and I cross my fingers your husband has correct ones. My hubby is having a good day today but who knows tomorrow just thankful I found this site and people experiencing the same things so I can vent as I have been feeling quite down lately about it all .

November_Rain · ‎02-11-2015

Hi Sinking,

I can relate to what you are saying about walking on eggshells around your husband. I feel like that when my husband is experiencing a depressive episode which has started to become more frequent since our 2nd son was born nearly 2 years ago.

My husband has a long history of depression, anxiety, addiction & and issues in his workplaces. His depression manifests itself mainly with anger & being negative about everything.

Whilst he has never been physically violent towards me or our 2 sons, he often raises his voice to a scary level that leaves me feeling very anxious. I've suffered from anxiety since I was about 5 years old & I'm 40 now. It is usually controlled with medication but when my husband is not well mentally, my anxiety flares up again and I hate feeling this way. I generally cope by taking low dose medication & remembering that my children are the priority although I realise that I need to take care of my mental health too.

I've just joined BB's online forums as I'm keen to hear & share any ideas about coping with a spouse who has depression. I worry that I'm not going to be able to 'cover' for my husband's outbursts with our children as they get older. It's not fair on them & deep down I know my husband doesn't like behaving that way in front of them either.

Anyway, thanks for listening and know that you aren't alone.

Take care, NR

Hypatia · ‎02-11-2015

Hi Sinking,

No advice here, but just a comment. My depressed partner is never normally irritable, but on some of his medication (particularly the last one) he would become so. Just like he's never had a problem with not wanting sex through the depression, but some of the medication kills his sex drive. I find this really hard to deal with - I want my lovely & loving partner back and I get really resentful of the medications, and sometimes the psychiatrist who prescribes them.

So I know exactly where you are coming from. One of the things I do do is keep track of side-effects I notice, and when I'm sure and he is in a good, calm, relatively stable mood, I'll say something like: "hey, it seems to me you have been more easily irritated by things in the last few days". I let him tell me if he agrees or not, and I let him work out what to do about it. Sometimes I just have to take things very, very slowly. I hate it. But I also know that he has to be in control of his own treatment - and my opinion is information that can help him. He's been suicidal before, which was the scariest thing I've ever lived through, so I am always aware that not being chronically depressed has to trump everything else.
One small caring tip - and I came here `cause I'm not coping so not an expert - is that I try to get at least 20 minutes to myself every day when I don't think about him, or work, or problems. I have a variety of strategies - walks is my preference, but last resort, take an evening bath! - but if I don't then we both get swept with his moods, and I have no anchor point of my own. Actually, this happens a lot anyway, but the me time does help a bit!
I have found that it also helps - depending on mood and who-knows-what-else - to let him know when I'm not doing great. Obviously not when he is majorly depressed, but sometimes I just say: "I'm feeling under it today." I always thank him when he then inevitably makes an effort, and let him know that something as simple as him making me a sandwich helps me a lot. He does better when he feels like he is being supportive of me, and he can see that it is *good* for me to have him around, as opposed to feeling like a burden. And honestly, some little gesture of care from him can make me feel a ton better - just much less alone and like everything depends on me.