I don't know how to help him

[Caity0106]

I've been seeing someone for about two months now. Everything started off fantastically, we really hit it off and things started to progress between us. In the beginning I wasn't aware that he suffered from depression, he's become great at hiding it. Lately things have really been getting on top of him in regards to his past relationship, the daily headaches he has to deal with and just life in general. He feels worthless, he doesn't feel like he will amount to anything due to the pain he endures on a daily basis, his ex has just thrown a rather massive curve ball into the mix. She is pregnant but doesn't know exactly who the father is, obviously he is one of the options. 

Due to all of this he has started to push me away. In the beginning we were seeing each other every weekend and having a great time. After him opening up to me about his depression a little, I've started giving him space that he needs when he needs it. We've gotten to a stage that he doesn't need to tell me when he needs to be alone, it's just known to me through unspoken gestures. Being a sufferer of depression myself, I know what he is going through in the basic ways. I just don't know how to help him...I've never been the person on the other end of the spectrum. He calls and texts me all the time just to talk, to hear my voice and to relax. He tells me he wants to be with me but he won't put a label on anything and actually call me his girlfriend. I don't want to just be a short term comfort for him that he won't need eventually....I care about him too much to leave him while he is in such a vulnerable position right now too. 

I just need some advice on what I can do to help him. I text him at least once every day just to make sure he knows someone cares for him deeply and to make sure he is okay, but what can I do beyond that? He doesn't like opening up to people and asking for help and he is very closed off. I'm at a loss and any advice/ideas would be greatly appreciated.

[white knight]

Hi Caity, welcome

Reassuring someone with depression or most mental illnesses is a good thing but in many cases it means little because in my opinion there are obstacles that result in such help having little effect. Lack of willingness by the sufferer when they are in denial is one such example. eg one could help someone in denial all they like but if they deny their issues are there then you are wasting your time.

Such might be the case for you. This man is (it seems) unsettled. His a man with baggage in that he appears not to have completely broken off his past life. He also is non committal to you which, for whatever reason, is unfair and not what you want.

It might be time to allow your head to rule your heart for once. Emotion, especially that which covers love and care, can be extremely strong but illogical to. Don't worry, I know how you feel and its understandable.

You might need to test his care for you. Dwindle your text messages down a lot and wait until he calls. Real love is a two way street.

Hope that clarifies things.

Tony WK