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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Hope93 Pushing me out, I'm helpless
  • replies: 6

Hi, I've never done this before but I need to get things off my chest. My boyfriend of two years has suffered depression for a while. He regularly sees a psychologist and takes medication daily, and usually he is great, he has his down times but for ... View more

Hi, I've never done this before but I need to get things off my chest. My boyfriend of two years has suffered depression for a while. He regularly sees a psychologist and takes medication daily, and usually he is great, he has his down times but for the most part he is pretty good. He doesn't tell me much, but I feel like telling one person every week all your fears and secrets is traumatic enough. I never push. And lately I just thought he was having a down patch, but then all of a sudden out of no where he is wanting to end us. He wants to end us because he doesn't think I deserve to be pulled down with him, or that I should be appreciated more because sometimes he can't do it as much as he would like. He says how much he loves me, but that he needs time and space, to be alone and to find himself, to sort out his life, and that he can't be with me to do that. I totally want him to find himself, I want him to get better, to recover from this dark hole I can't reach him in. I want to give him the space and time he needs, and to support him 100%. But he has pushed me out, refuses to speak to me. It's killing me every day not being able to be there for him, when all I want to do is to tell him that he is worth it, that it isn't his fault that he is sick and that I love him regardless. I know it's bigger then love, but I don't know how to get to him, I don't know what I am meant to do. And every day I can't talk to him, is another day I feel further away from him. Any advice people have to give on there experiences would be great, I am feeling helpless.

DianeB Pushed away, how to react?
  • replies: 2

Hi, My depressed boyfriend pushed me away 2 days ago as he doesn't want to see anybody and talk to anybody and he wants to be alone. Last night he sent me text saying he doesn't like the relationship, because I'm in love but not him. The relationship... View more

Hi, My depressed boyfriend pushed me away 2 days ago as he doesn't want to see anybody and talk to anybody and he wants to be alone. Last night he sent me text saying he doesn't like the relationship, because I'm in love but not him. The relationship was great when it was casual but then it moved up to an other level and he can't manage that. Since things have changed a little bit. He said that doesn't want a relationship anymore and last night he was close to breaking up with me. I said to him that I was here for him, that I know he's saying that because of his depression but I can wait until he gets better. My question is: what should I do because he doesn't want to see me and communicate with him. I sent him a text the last two days and things got worse. I would like to leave him his space, but should I try to communicate or visit him anyway to show him that I'm here for him? Thank you for your help. I don't want to loose him. It might sounds crazy to many people, but I don't mind his depression and I love the person he really is, even though I'm gonna have very hard time due to his depression. I'm afraid to do something wrong and loose him.

Not_sure Need help and confused
  • replies: 1

Hi there thanks for reading this i was dating this happy go lucky lady moved out with her got a dog grew a bond with her son we where living the dream we where happy I couldn't do enough for her and she couldn't do enough for me. One day she started ... View more

Hi there thanks for reading this i was dating this happy go lucky lady moved out with her got a dog grew a bond with her son we where living the dream we where happy I couldn't do enough for her and she couldn't do enough for me. One day she started stating in bed in the dark tired all the time just did what she had to never wanted to talk really distanced her self from me in all ways communicating to not wanting to cuddle joke just wanted her and her son. One day she woke up and said I can't see is going anywhere that was it but before that we where happy everyone could see it in us that we where meant to be together she looked at engagement rings said she will have a child we have a little family going now it's exciting where a great team our future she's looking forward to it. I know her last partner wasn't the nicest person. I have tried to help her by messaging calling but now she has fully blocked all calls her sister told me to move on her mum won't talk to me. My ex did say at one stage u don't want me in your life I'm no good not ready for all this but all I want to do is be there any advice or anything I love this girl so much I really want to date her again and marry her I know we moved fast in this relationship but if it was right we wouldn't have done and move so quick I have lost her and I know this isn't her but everyone I speak to keeps telling me she's fine when she's with her family and friends why should she do this to me as all I want to do is hell

unconditional Is my gut feeling and approach correct?
  • replies: 2

Hi All,I have a really good friend who i used to talk daily too. The friendship was strong but possibly unconventional as we are the opposite sex and both in good marriages. It was completely platonic. We did share close information though so i knew ... View more

Hi All,I have a really good friend who i used to talk daily too. The friendship was strong but possibly unconventional as we are the opposite sex and both in good marriages. It was completely platonic. We did share close information though so i knew about a family history of mental illness and low self esteem.My friend and her husband are in the process of moving overseas due to work with the husband having to leave earlier. Soon after his departure she discovered she was pregnant and excitedly called me to tell. Of course i was happy for them. She was happy for a while and things appeared normal. then she went quiet. We meet for lunch and she said she had no energy, and an out of character display of apathy"i dont miss my husband but i tell him I do". But hey, everyone knows the first trimester has some big ups and downs! I continued to send nice messages but was not getting responses. Then she lashed out saying she doesnt want to talk. The next day I received an apology and we met up for lunch. she told me that the night before she stayed home (living at a friends place) and ate junkfood for dinner. At the end of lunch i opened up and said im concerned about her and reminded her about her telling me that she didn't want to end up like her family member that battles with depression.Then things went quiet. Any further invitations by me or my wife were rebuked. I sent messages of support and didnt include questions to take off any pressure of replying. Slowly tho i have been cut off. Blocked on social media. I dropped text messages to once a week. It was at this stage that things became completely out of charachter. I was told that she regrets ever becoming my friend, that im a piece of sh1t, go away and never talk again, that the best part of moving is a new phone number that i wont know.Fortunately im a patient person who can maintain calm ok so ive never said anything but nice messages. I decided to leave it for a while but let the person she is staying with know. She replied to me saying that she is having a tough time but doesnt think its depression. Im not sure about this tho. My friend found out i messaged her friend and i was told not to do that again or she will never forgive me. I havent made contact in 3 weeksIs my approach to step back correct. In my last message i let her know i will unconditionally support her but only if she lets me. These changes are all unknown to me so im looking for advice on doing the right thing.​

New_Pommy Girlfriend with depression: it feels like I am too snappy
  • replies: 3

Hello, I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year now, she has suffered depression for many years, on and off (on more so I think) and this is a whole new world to me that I just don't understand and feel completely lost trying to understand! She... View more

Hello, I've been with my girlfriend for almost a year now, she has suffered depression for many years, on and off (on more so I think) and this is a whole new world to me that I just don't understand and feel completely lost trying to understand! She seeks help, is on antidepressants and is aware of everything that is going on so I am very lucky in this respect, but its like a switch gets flipped and she changes completely, seemingly for no reason which I don't deal with very well, but would like to be able to. It feels like I am too snappy, which is my natural response when someone annoys me and I feel really guilty about not being able to be a better support. Its come to a bit of a head within the last 24hrs and I really don't want to end the relationship this way so looking for any help or guidance you may have?! Thank you.

DianeB Loving someone with depression, how to manage it?
  • replies: 4

Hi, I've been going out with my boyfriend who has depression for 7 months. He has been depressed for 10 years. It's the first time that I met someone with depression, so I don't know how to manage the bad times. Our relationship was great for the fir... View more

Hi, I've been going out with my boyfriend who has depression for 7 months. He has been depressed for 10 years. It's the first time that I met someone with depression, so I don't know how to manage the bad times. Our relationship was great for the first 4 months. I understood that he doesn't like feelings/emotions and doesn't like talking about it, he doesn't really know what love is so he will not tell me he loves me. But I could see that he did have feelings for me at some stage, I could see it through little things. After the 4 months, I was away for work for 5 weeks, and since things have changed a little bit. He is more distant and cold with me, his feelings seems to be gone. We talked about it yesterday and he said at the moment he don't want to see anybody, he just want to be alone. He said that yes he had feelings for me few months ago, but that he can't manage feelings and emotions and it became too difficult for him. I imagine that's why things have changed since. I would like to know what to do when he says that he doesn't want to see anybody, me included (not even text messages, nothing). Should I respect his choice and leave him alone or should I visit him/text him a little bit? Because I know he says that because he's very depressed at the moment About his feelings issue, how can I manage that? Would he let his feelings come back and grow? I'm a bit lost, I don't know what to do. Hearing all this has broken my heart. But I love him, he's a very nice person, I don't want to give up, I know it's because of his depression.

Rmjj advice please
  • replies: 2

hi all ..... so i am after advice please my partner of about 9 months has basically burnt himself out and is now in a depressed state so after having an anxiety attack he has basically said to me that he has gotten to his breaking point and he cant b... View more

hi all ..... so i am after advice please my partner of about 9 months has basically burnt himself out and is now in a depressed state so after having an anxiety attack he has basically said to me that he has gotten to his breaking point and he cant be do a relationship anymore as he needs to sort himself out and focus i really want to support him though he has taken the first step and gotten himself into a clinic to get the help he needs which i am thrilled for him but i just really want to b there for suppprt is there anything i can do? hhe has pushed me away once before but came back after a while but this tome is much more serious .....thoughts please​

Lari_T Supporting mother who has signs of depression and lives overseas
  • replies: 1

Hi there, I'm very new to this whole thing but I feel like I'm running out of options as I really don't know what to do. My mother has recently moved back to Brazil after 6 months living here with myself, my partner and his mother (yes, all in the sa... View more

Hi there, I'm very new to this whole thing but I feel like I'm running out of options as I really don't know what to do. My mother has recently moved back to Brazil after 6 months living here with myself, my partner and his mother (yes, all in the same house, I know, pretty crazy). This was the 3rd time she came to visit me and in every time she came to visit, we had pretty bad discussions. She always felt like I ignored her and wouldn't give her enough attention although she would complain most of the time about anything. She grew up with paralysis and she always have struggled with pain and other health issues, although she always have managed to take care of herself and pull it all together. She brought me up in a strict way but always with lots of love and good education. Nevertheless, when my father left (after much fighting) when I was 13 yo, it seemed that all the frustration she used against my dad was now transferred to me. My mother has always been very 'picky' and would fix her thoughts in little things or hold onto the past, coming back at any opportunity to remind me of the times when I hurt her. She now doesn't speak to most of her brothers and sisters (they are 9 in total and she only speaks with 2 of them). So, while she was here living with me, I've made my best to give attention and help her at the same time that I tried to keep up with my life as myself and my partner both work full-time and study. It was a very intense time together as we had to adapt our lives to live back with our mothers and they had to know each other and adapt themselves with their new reality. It was really tough for everyone, but the toll fell hardest on my mother as she take things very seriously. When I couldn't be bother, after a long day at work, to worry about who didn't do the cleaning or the dishes, she would take it personally and then the whole story got worse. While I wasn't even being able to spend time at all with my partner's mother (we just met, so I wanted to know her more and bond with her) my mother insisted that I wasn't giving her enough attention or that I treated others better than I treated her...I was feeling tired, helpless and every time I would talk to her, I would go back to my room (and my partner) and cry because I did not know what else to do. I spoke with friends about it and they supported me saying that I did my best but I just feel so sad that my mother and I can't have a good relationship and enjoy life together.

Garcia Lonely & exhausted wife
  • replies: 1

My husband of 8 years has suffered from depression and anxiety since he was a child. It is generally under control with medication but he has been going through a difficult period lately. He is now getting by with sleeping tablets and an increased do... View more

My husband of 8 years has suffered from depression and anxiety since he was a child. It is generally under control with medication but he has been going through a difficult period lately. He is now getting by with sleeping tablets and an increased dose of antidepressants but is withdrawn during the day and knocked out at night. He feels uncomfortable talking about his depression and so our family and friends dont know that he is suffering. We have 2 very young children who wake up throughout the night and need lots of attention, and we both have demanding careers. Most of the threads I have read seem to focus on offering support to a partner who has depression, and in that regard, this post may come across as being selfish and insensitive. But I want to know how I can manage my own situation. I am exhausted from work and caring for the children and a sick husband. I miss the person he used to be and I am sick and tired of the lack of connection and lack of 'presence'. I am lonely because I miss my husband and because I cant talk to anyone we know about what we are going through. I am desperate for a break but I know that my family will crumble without me to hold it together. Sorry to make it all about me, but I just feel like for once, I deserve it.

ConfusedMum feeling hopeless
  • replies: 2

I'm not sure if anyone can help me. I've never been on one of these sites before. I've had friends who've experienced depression, and I suffer with it myself (but have never sought medical help, just found other way to re-direct my emotions and cope)... View more

I'm not sure if anyone can help me. I've never been on one of these sites before. I've had friends who've experienced depression, and I suffer with it myself (but have never sought medical help, just found other way to re-direct my emotions and cope). But now my 20 year old daughter is experiencing it and I don't know what to do. It all started with a boy, who I believe has emotionally abused her to the point where she feels unworthy and a failure at everything. She has massive mood swings and tantrums having broken mirrors and phones, though he doesn't help with his on again off again stalking through social media and texts, his name calling and picking her up and dropping her when he feels like it. I have tried to get her to see someone, change her number delete her social media accounts, but to no success. She won't sleep on her own and has become very clingy. She often claims that she doesn't want to be here and doesn't want to be here. She keeps going in and out of work and changing studies. How can I force her to see someone? Or if I can't how can I help her learn how to cope with her emotions. I don't know how I'm going to cope with anymore of this. I feel like I'm starting to lose it. I mean she should be out there having fun and enjoying life, becoming independent. Instead she is moping around and won't get out and do anything. It's affecting the whole family. My partner (not her father) and I just cant stand each other, because he thinks she should toughen up and that she's brought all this on herself by continuing to get back with the boy and I shouldn't be so soft. Her brother is only 17 and spends most of his time worrying about her and me. I keep trying to convince her to keep moving and think positive, exercise, find something to keep her busy, but every single time it's just "oh I wouldn't be any good at that" or "I can't be bothered going out", "I have no friends anymore". Which in fact she has lost a lot of friends in this whole ordeal, she really doesn't have a lot of people anymore that will listen. I've heard really bad stories about anti depressants, so I would prefer not to have to give her any of those. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I can get through this? It's been a long 18 months of this ever since the boy started playing his games. I'm feeling a walking time bomb at the moment, which wouldn't help her in anyway, but I know I'm going to break soon, so any ideas would be great.