He says it's not about me, all is fine with us but then days later drove away from me and now I'm not hearing from him at all. How do I interpret this

VKU · ‎24-10-2015

I've been seeing someone since July. I knew early on he had depression (something he's never admitted to me)
straight off he was saying lets work out making each other happy forever. That I was so stuck with him. Always asking me if I was happy. He doesn't think he's attractive & always said he never thought I'd be attracted to him because he found me so stunning - something he told me repeatedly. That he's always pinching himself that someone like me would want him.
He'd text me All day. Talking about our future. How we'd live life without many possessions and try to always be 'happy'. That he really wanted this.
After 8 weeks, he started to slowly distance himself because of various issues. His mobile then started to die on him so contact became harder.
After an incident where he'd forgotten we had plans his response was really frazzled. He was pacing saying he's got million things to do, not happy where he is in life. I did get an email an hour later from him saying he was unhappy in general and that it had nothing to do with me - really isn't. He said he needed to work out what he's doing with his life. I replied with please give it to me straight - does he still want this and am I apart of where his life is going. Thankfully he replied 'yes of course' but he needed some headspace & hes struggling a bit.
I saw him a few days later and asked him if we were ok-he was irritable but repeatedly said everything's fine gesturing with his hand to me to not worry. as I was leaving said that I missed him and his whole demeanour softened and with a tilted head said he missed me. On his birthday 4 days later I spoke to someone close to him that said he was in a deep depression and give him space but I thought he'd want to see me. I waited to see him so I could say happy birthday. I saw his car approaching-he would have seen me but he didn't look over or wave like he normal. I walked around to where he normally parks and he had unusually parked further away, hiding behind other cars. I started to walk over to him and he started up his car and drove away from me.
That was 2 weeks ago. He hasn't text or emailed. I'm confused because the last time he spoke to me he was quite firm that everything is fine and that's what I keep holding onto. He's very direct so I'm sure he would tell me if we were over.
I keep emailing and texting never getting a reply but I want him to know That I love him & I'm waiting.
do I wait for him to approach me? Should I approach him?

white knight · ‎24-10-2015

Hi VKU, welcome

I'm almost certain counselling would help you a lot. That aside if we assume he has depression, that doesn't excuse him from responsibility. It is his responsibility to make things clear to you and return respect. Failing to make the minimal standards towards you as you see it makes a sound stable relationship most difficult.

I once write two articles in these pages - "who cares for the carer" , "rejection - it's hard to swallow" and "when emotions take over logic". Google them by placing "Topic- (state the topic) beyondblue"

The most important thing here in answer to your problem is- it isn't you. At least from my perspective, this man has problems and he might well need help...but you cant force him.

Finally. sometimes people with mania (in my own experience) tend to throw themselves into things...relationships, new hobbies, projects. Just last week my wife and I decided to build our own caravan. Since that decision was made and finances released for the project I barely slept a wink. Drawing, drawing, drawing and mock ups. But I'm not hurting anyone. If my lack of sleep hurts her she told me she will let me know. Then I need to reassess things a little.

Sadly he might have burned himself out with this relationship. If so, try to see some positive in there about your experience. That it didnt go much longer than it did, no kids and the like. This is not to suggest you aren't hurting or going to endure sorrow. I've been there and know what its like. Similar to grieving for a lost loved one.

Take care of number one- you. Give him time but try to move on.

Tony WK

JessF · ‎26-10-2015

Hello VKU, how do you know that depression, as in a diagnosed medical condition, is involved? Apart from the hearsay of a few friends? Relationships can end for many, many reasons, particularly if one partner is not ready to commit for the long haul. It sounds from your early description that he is in this category: if he is idolising you and putting you on a pedestal, then he has internal issues that he needs to work out first, otherwise things will not end well. Relationships don't work unless there is a feeling of equal-ness between the two people, and if he is consumed by thinking he doesn't deserve you (a feeling which I suspect extends to any woman who expresses an interest in him), then that is not an equal relationship. His thinking is: he's not good enough to deserve you, therefore he is going to freeze you out and push you away before you can dump him. This is not something you can fix, and I would be moving on as Tony suggests.