Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Did I do the right thing ?

replies: 11

Hi all, I'm new here and thought id see if I was doing the right thing by my partner (probably now ex-partner), who is a diagnosed bi-polar. I have read many stories on Bi-polar relationships and I have had an on again off again relationship over the last 10 years with my partner. She was hospitalised and diagnosed 3 years ago after a terrible episode, however there were signs of what I now know were manic episodes dating back many years. It would appear over the last few months her condition was starting to take hold again, which culminated in an argument 48 hours ago and me pleading with her to get help, but as she denies there is anything wrong I get accused of not understanding her. I spoke to to others close to her who also noted her deteriorating condition, and what I did was call the mental health unit for advice, but as she has been an inpatient they have now taken over and have obviously contacted her. I had a call from her asking if it was me, and I answered truthfully. This will probably bring an end to the relationship once again, as she will blame me for any negative outcomes. I know this may sound obvious to some but was it right to call and try and get help ? even though this will cause resentment and negative feelings toward me. She is not a type for self harm but can get very aggressive. I would be interested in others experience, thanks so much for reading.

Partner pushing away due to depression - need advice

replies: 3

I have been with my partner for nearly 4 years now. Over the past several months I noticed that he wasn't himself and not as happy/full of life. I tried to ask him about it but he brushed off the questions and blamed it on bad work/sleep paterns. This escalated and he finally admitted that he had depression as I suspected but that he didn't want to talk about it yet and would let me know when he was ready to talk. I suggested he see someone but he thought he could sort it out himself. Just under a month after this he told me he wanted to break up so that he could just sort this out himself. He won't seek professional help and thinks he can figure it out himself. He is pushing away his family and friends too and isolating himself a lot or overworking to use up his time. I understand that he needs to concentrate on himself and work things out but I worry about him completely isolating himself and pushing everyone away. I don't want to abandon him when he is going through such a hard time as it feels like a part of him is just doing this to spare me.His ex-gf had depression and was suicidal and he had a hard time with that and so I feel he is letting his bad experience as being the partner sway his judgement a little. But at the same time I don't want to make it worse and push him. I understand that I should give him his space at the moment but should I just give up and walk away (as he has told me I should try to move on) or hang in there on the side lines to see if he needs anything? Would appreciate any advice or knowledge as I've never gone through this before and feel a bit lost.

Not sure what to do

replies: 4

Hi, I have been with my partner for over three years now and we have a young son who is nearly 18 months. When I first met my partner he told me he had had issues with depression and anxiety previously and had experienced a really bad episode. As I had not come across it before with other partners, I am sorry to say I did not think much of it at the time. However since then we have located permanently to Australia and since then his depression/anxiety has flared up. He stopped medication when he met me which is a compliment however, it does not seem to be beneficial anymore. I would like to understand it more so that I can help him as right now I'm just feeling really frustrated. I am a solutions person so am trying to find someway to help him. He angers very quickly at the smallest of things and spends a great deal of time in bed or not doing a great deal. I feel as though I'm doing a lot of the housework and looking after our son myself and it has been this way for over a year now. I would like to be with him, but I am afraid for the health of our relationship and also our son. I would like to have another child with my partner however, at the moment I do not feel it is the best idea. I feel as though I cannot continue like this however, I also feel that I need to give it a bit more of a chance. As I've said I want to help I just don't know how and if I can. Thanks

Fear of disease

replies: 11

Hi guys, I am new to this website and forum but need some advise. My partner is dealing with a bad case of OCD or a fear of catching a disease or anything for that matter. He has been in therapy once a week for the past 2-3 months but I feel as though he is getting worst. I dont know what to do anymore nor know how to help him. It is becoming so bad that he wont touch me or share any food i handle. We have been in a relationship on and off for 4 years and I feel as though it is getting harder and harder. I loose my patience as I cant understand what goes through his head. Does anyone else have someone who has these fears?

My boyfriend is depressed

replies: 8

Hello, i just found out my fiancé is depressed. He tells me he does not enjoy anything anymore. we have been using substances over the weekends for a while now which probably doesn't help. This week he has missed it but I did do it behind his back. When he told me he was depressed , I guess I didn't understand and told him to think about the things he has. He has a good job, a house and finance who loves him. I told him that to think about ppl that are less fortunate than us who don't even have food on the table. He was a little distanced to me today and after digging deep digger he said he was upset at me for how I reacted when he told me he was depressed. Can anyone please shed a light on me on this? Coming from a third world country and where the stress is not knowing where the next meal will be coming from, I find the whole concept of being depressed rally difficult to relate to when you have a nice house, a good job and a loving fiancé. When I think of ppl that are I third world country's barely surviving how can you be depressed? My mentality is to be grateful to what you have. He tells me he knows the signs of depression because in his younger days, he had to get treatment and couldn't even get out of bed. my perspective is if I strip him of everything he has, would he still be then or switch to survival mode. Maybe lose everything first in order to appreciate what you have. Can someone please enlighten me on the issue. Coming from a third world country with nothing at all and my fiancé is depressed when we have everything I find hard to comprehend. Any feedback would be great. Thank you.

Asperges

replies: 3

Hi guys. Does anyone out there know anything about Asperges? Where I work we have an adult male with this illness. I haven't noticed anything, but he was working with another guy who was driving a coach. The person he was with didn't know and he told me the Asperges sufferer 'twitched', muttered and frightened this other person. How do you look after someone with this problem, what are the signs that he's having these seizures. I presume the chap with the illness is on meds, but don't know enough about it. Can anyone enlighten me.

Can people with depression love you?

replies: 6

I'm feeling quite confused with my partner who has depression and anxiety. We don't live together yet, and after discovering his harmful addictive behaviour six weeks ago, we have gone from seeing each other 5 days a week to just one. I needed this space to begin to heal, and he needs it to heal and process everything going on, and make huge changes like see a therapist and face his demons. He says that the love we have for each other is the driving force for him confronting his issues, and beginning to manage his conditions- without me, he wouldn't be strong enough or have the motivation to do it. He says its rough at the moment, but we need this time apart for our future to be better together, so he can deal with what he needs to deal with for him and for us. His words, not mine. So he is telling me and showing me he loves me, but i find it confusing. Conversely, only seeing each other once a week is his 'limit' at the moment, because he finds it exhausting seeing me- the feelings of guilt and shame over how he treated me arise, and he then has to battle the depressed and anxious thoughts that occur. Having never experienced these conditions myself, I am a bit confused and lonely. If he loves me, why doesn't he want to see me more? Why doesn't he miss me the way I miss him? If he loves me, why doesn't he miss what we used to have more? Aren't couples meant to work together closely through these moments? It feels like we are slowly getting closer, but how can we when we seem so far apart? I probably sound terribly clingy, but we were very close before everything occurred, so it's been a huge shift for me, and it is tough not having the closeness I used to feel from him.

No more to give.

replies: 5

Hi. My husband and I have been married for 30 years. In 2006, he plunged into catatonic depression, and I helped admit him into hospital. He underwent major help sessions for months, included EST, and also did CBT. He's tried most of the anti-depressants, but hates the inability to have sex. Me? I think it's the best part.....! He used it as a weapon for so long while he was depressed that my life is easier without it. In the years since this catastrophic first induction, I've tried to maintain a distant support system for him. I find that now - we are in business together - he just basically relies on me to breathe. He depends on sex as a comfort and a perceived need, he arranges our life so he has no part in any decision making, he thinks his mind is broken, as he thinks so diametrically differently to everyone on the planet. He can sulk for the century. One thing he does do, is talks really badly to himself - all the time! I am the only grown up in the family (kids are 21 and 25) and I'm wondering a few things here 1. How do I keep going? I'm bad, I'm bossy, I'm the spendthrift, I'm the one who withholds sex, I'm the one who damages the children, I'm the one who.... Well, you get the idea. 2. How do I bring myself to care for him when he's basically sucked me dry over the last few years? I've got to the stage where I really don't care about what he says or what he does. I don't listen any more because it's just more of the depressed drivel. His negativity is awe-inspiring. I am really worried in a small part of me that I'm not trying hard enough, or that I'm not giving him what he needs - oh wait - I'm not, because none of us know what he needs, do we? Including him. We started in business together again 5 years ago after a break of a few years - doing what he wanted to do. Now he leaves nearly all of the business to me, and just picks the tiny eyes out of it. He says he hates being there, he hates every thing about our business.He wants money out of it. He wants it to succeed. ANd I'm not managing to do that... Can someone please tell me how to keep going? Please? I've talked to people until I'm blue in the face, and they tell ME to be supportive of HIM. Well, guess what....? help. Thank you so much.

In need of advice, husband suffering depression

replies: 5

My husband and i have been together for 11 years, married for almost 8 years. Like most couples we've had our ups and downs but have always got through them. For as long as I've known him hes always had signs of depression and has had his bad times but has never gone and spoken to anyone about it he pushes people away so he can deal with things himself, which i respect. Hes work does involve pretty stressful situations which i think gets to him and effects him in ways he doesn't admit to. A couple of month's ago he went through a traumatic situation in his work which really knocked him about and had triggered his depression but instead of getting help with dealing with the situation he left it and went on as normal. Just this last week he has had to go to court over the situation which really made him stressed out and his whole personally had changed, he was getting migrain headachs and was really affected by what he was having to do, i really think this situation had brought back his depression but because he doesn't talk about it he builds up and get worst and he has really went down hill. I like to try to help him but everytime i try he gets mad at me and we fight so i leave it for him to deal with, well this time i regret even trying to help because things have really gone terribly bad, which is where im hoping some advice will help me understand what he is going through. He has turned around to me, completely out of the blue, and has said he doesn't love me anymore, i was totally shocked because there hasn't been any signs of anything wrong, we always tell each other how much we love each, ect, so i didnt understand why he was saying that. When i did ask he tells me he doesn't know why, he cant explain why, he feels empty and very low on himself, he has really seeped into his depression worst then i have seen. I try to talk to him about it but all he is saying is he has lost love for me and he doesn't think those feelings will come back. Each time i try to talk to him i get upset and frustrated because all i want to do get answers but he doesnt have them for me. He has said things that i find hard to understand but i think maybe its the depression talking, he has said he needs space to think about whats going on but is saying he doesn't know if things will change. I've excepted that he wants the space because i know he needs time to process whats happining. I just want to understand what hes going thru.

What should we expect from the mental health system and what should we expect from those suffering with mental illness

replies: 11

Hi, I am the primary carer for my boyfriend of two years who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (cluster b), bipolar, depression and the resulting anxiety. Diagnosis have come and gone over the years as have his treating psychiatrists in the public system. I would like to explore the following questions and am interested in the thoughts of forum goers: What obligations does/should the mental health system (governments, society, medical professionals, support services) have towards people with severe mental health issues that prevent them from engaging with assistance of their own accord? What should we expect from our loved ones with severe mental health issues in terms of commitment to improving their quality of life? Some context...Engagement with any service (support, professional etc.) relies (to some extent) on the ability and commitment of the mentally ill person to engage. My partner is committed to improving his quality of life but the very nature of his illness somewhat circumvents his ability to actively do so. This often means that he is discharged from health and support services, ultimately for a failure to consistently engage. For a long time I was of the opinion that "I can lead the horse to the water, but I can't make it drink". Having witnessed first hand just how challenging it is for him, I am left questioning how reasonable it is to expect someone to do something that they are programmed to be incapable of doing; are we setting these people up to fail? What is the solution? I have even tried to get him connected with private psychiatrists thinking that surely the service would be more personal and engaging. Four private psychiatrists to date have declined to take him on as a patient. Too hard? Selective? Who knows...? He is committed in principle to recovery but for whatever reason his will is overpowered by the symptoms of his illnesses.I am fully aware that I cannot do it for him, but where is the line drawn between self help and intervention to save a human life?

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Did I do the right thing ? replies: 11

Partner pushing away due to depression - need advice replies: 3

Not sure what to do replies: 4

Fear of disease replies: 11

My boyfriend is depressed replies: 8

Asperges replies: 3

Can people with depression love you? replies: 6

No more to give. replies: 5

In need of advice, husband suffering depression replies: 5

What should we expect from the mental health system and what should we expect from those suffering with mental illness replies: 11