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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Caity0106 I don't know how to help him
  • replies: 1

I've been seeing someone for about two months now. Everything started off fantastically, we really hit it off and things started to progress between us. In the beginning I wasn't aware that he suffered from depression, he's become great at hiding it.... View more

I've been seeing someone for about two months now. Everything started off fantastically, we really hit it off and things started to progress between us. In the beginning I wasn't aware that he suffered from depression, he's become great at hiding it. Lately things have really been getting on top of him in regards to his past relationship, the daily headaches he has to deal with and just life in general. He feels worthless, he doesn't feel like he will amount to anything due to the pain he endures on a daily basis, his ex has just thrown a rather massive curve ball into the mix. She is pregnant but doesn't know exactly who the father is, obviously he is one of the options. Due to all of this he has started to push me away. In the beginning we were seeing each other every weekend and having a great time. After him opening up to me about his depression a little, I've started giving him space that he needs when he needs it. We've gotten to a stage that he doesn't need to tell me when he needs to be alone, it's just known to me through unspoken gestures. Being a sufferer of depression myself, I know what he is going through in the basic ways. I just don't know how to help him...I've never been the person on the other end of the spectrum. He calls and texts me all the time just to talk, to hear my voice and to relax. He tells me he wants to be with me but he won't put a label on anything and actually call me his girlfriend. I don't want to just be a short term comfort for him that he won't need eventually....I care about him too much to leave him while he is in such a vulnerable position right now too. I just need some advice on what I can do to help him. I text him at least once every day just to make sure he knows someone cares for him deeply and to make sure he is okay, but what can I do beyond that? He doesn't like opening up to people and asking for help and he is very closed off. I'm at a loss and any advice/ideas would be greatly appreciated.

desperate_partner i need advice on how to help my partner with depression
  • replies: 2

My partner has depression he blames me for everything saying I don't let him breath I'm not sure how to act what to say cause at the moment any time I open my mouth its wrong we have kids under ten n its so hard to know what to tell them hes so angry... View more

My partner has depression he blames me for everything saying I don't let him breath I'm not sure how to act what to say cause at the moment any time I open my mouth its wrong we have kids under ten n its so hard to know what to tell them hes so angry please any advice would be appreciated

Sinking walking on eggshells
  • replies: 7

My husband is suffering from anxiety and has recently started taking medication to help. Although at first this helped it now seems to have different side affects and it seems to be as if he now has depression and is very moody almost to the point of... View more

My husband is suffering from anxiety and has recently started taking medication to help. Although at first this helped it now seems to have different side affects and it seems to be as if he now has depression and is very moody almost to the point of angry outbursts. It's very scary and makes me feel like I'm walking on eggshells at all times waiting to see what mood he will be in. It also has affected his sex drive to almost non existent which I understand can be a side affect but is still hard to deal with. I've asked him to go back to the doctors and tell them what his side affects are to make sure everything is fine but he refuses. I feel as if I'm a bad person and its all my fault .I don't know what to do ....I feel like I'm sinking and no matter what I do to help I know in the end I will drown

lilley Some days Im not sure I will find the strength!
  • replies: 2

Everyday is a challenge , not knowing how my daughter and husband are going to be.Some moments everything is perfect and I feel so elated. It's hard dealing with family members with depression and I'm not sure after everything we have been through , ... View more

Everyday is a challenge , not knowing how my daughter and husband are going to be.Some moments everything is perfect and I feel so elated. It's hard dealing with family members with depression and I'm not sure after everything we have been through , I may have depression also.I become very anxious at times also. But how do three depressed people living under one roof support each other . We have survived through hell and back ,so much has happened to our daughter , abuse, drugs violence ,police , avo's . I always believed in God , well I had faith he would keep her safe , well bad things happened but she is safe now with her family , I'm so blessed for that. it's so hard some days , my well of hope and positivity is empty at times and I fear it will dry up. what will happen then , it scares me.

worriedgirlfriend1 He wants space..I don't know what to do
  • replies: 17

I believe my boyfriend of almost 7 years (we are both 25 almost 26) is showing signs of depression. This time last year he broke up with me out of the blue for 3 months and couldn't really say why. When we got back together he still couldn't give me ... View more

I believe my boyfriend of almost 7 years (we are both 25 almost 26) is showing signs of depression. This time last year he broke up with me out of the blue for 3 months and couldn't really say why. When we got back together he still couldn't give me answers but said he was miserable without me and it was a mistake. I should point out that he lost his dad when he was 22 and that was only a few years ago. This is the time of year his dad started to get ill as well. He said it is nothing to do with that though. We have been back together since January and are now approaching the time of year that this happened last year and he has told me is is feeling very down all the time and doesn't know why. He is ashamed of the way he feels and doesn't know what to do about it. I have suggested seeing a doctor but he refuses. He said he just wants to get away from everything, it's like the smallest things put him under pressure that he can't cope with. He has asked me for a few days space to get his head straight and feels he can't do that around me as he feels he owes me answers and can't give me any. He said that he knows I will think he is going to breakup with me again but has said he isn't he just needs to be away from any sort of pressure. I will of course do this for him, but I am finding it very hard to swallow. I love him dearly and would do anything to help him, but right now it's difficult to know what to do. I also have an underlying fear that he is going to break up with me again because he can't cope or perhaps he is stressing himself out about telling me because he knows I will be heartbroken. I know he has told me he isn't planning on doing that, but I don't feel reassured. I am giving him space but is it normal for him to want to keep his distance from me for a few days? Or is he showing signs of breaking up with me again? He tells me he loves me and it's him not me, but that doesn't reassure me because I keep thinking he loves me but can't be with me. Please help - I will do anything to make this right for him. I know I can't take the pain away but I want to save our relationship.

Sunlight_flower Anxiety, breakup and feeling unwanted.
  • replies: 15

My partner of 5 years came to me after a day at work stressed out and worried; ‘I think have anxiety’.I didn’t know how to handle it, I myself had issues with depression/anxiety as a teenager. Few weeks later he became very stressed about work and I ... View more

My partner of 5 years came to me after a day at work stressed out and worried; ‘I think have anxiety’.I didn’t know how to handle it, I myself had issues with depression/anxiety as a teenager. Few weeks later he became very stressed about work and I tried to support him. After an hour of sleep and a morningat work he came home and said he wanted to move, 4 hrs away. At first I thought it was both of us, then I thought it wasgo back long distance but it became apparent it was a break up. A few days before he left he asked me see the psychologist to talk about things or we may break up. I had problems withintimacy. I knew it frustrated him as did it frustrate me. I felt pushed at times and like an object. It put a big strain on thingsand he has sited it as the as the reason for the break up. I’ve never been one for talking and talking to someone aboutsomething I didn’t even understand was daunting. I asked him to give me a week to think, I didn’t get a week. I spent the afternoon at a friend’s, while my parents drove him up the road to meet his family. I didn’t know he was going(he has apologised for leaving like this), I thought I would come home and he’d be there. The day after he left we spoke on the phone and he called me family and said he loved me, but said that he needed his family.I felt and I still do feel worthless, to be called family but not be family. I offered to move to be with him, but he told me I wouldn’t cope. Offered to go long distance again (we were long-distance forthe first 8months) and even offered to make this just a break, but he said can’t make promises. I explained how great it would beto have a fresh start. I have more friends in his home town then my own. But he just kept saying I wouldn’t cope and he doesn’tsee things working. We own a home together, and now all he wants to talk about is the house, anything else puts him on edge and causes an anxiety attack.It’s really hard for me to just talk about the house, I had dreamed a future for us. I was never one for dreaming futures, but I had donethat for us. All of this has me seeing a psychologist and now I’m waiting to see my Dr for something to help with the stress. He’s told me he has still feelings for me, so why can’t we be together? Has anyone been in this type of situation that can help me make sense of it all?

VKU He says it's not about me, all is fine with us but then days later drove away from me and now I'm not hearing from him at all. How do I interpret this
  • replies: 2

I've been seeing someone since July. I knew early on he had depression (something he's never admitted to me) straight off he was saying lets work out making each other happy forever. That I was so stuck with him. Always asking me if I was happy. He d... View more

I've been seeing someone since July. I knew early on he had depression (something he's never admitted to me) straight off he was saying lets work out making each other happy forever. That I was so stuck with him. Always asking me if I was happy. He doesn't think he's attractive & always said he never thought I'd be attracted to him because he found me so stunning - something he told me repeatedly. That he's always pinching himself that someone like me would want him. He'd text me All day. Talking about our future. How we'd live life without many possessions and try to always be 'happy'. That he really wanted this. After 8 weeks, he started to slowly distance himself because of various issues. His mobile then started to die on him so contact became harder. After an incident where he'd forgotten we had plans his response was really frazzled. He was pacing saying he's got million things to do, not happy where he is in life. I did get an email an hour later from him saying he was unhappy in general and that it had nothing to do with me - really isn't. He said he needed to work out what he's doing with his life. I replied with please give it to me straight - does he still want this and am I apart of where his life is going. Thankfully he replied 'yes of course' but he needed some headspace & hes struggling a bit. I saw him a few days later and asked him if we were ok-he was irritable but repeatedly said everything's fine gesturing with his hand to me to not worry. as I was leaving said that I missed him and his whole demeanour softened and with a tilted head said he missed me. On his birthday 4 days later I spoke to someone close to him that said he was in a deep depression and give him space but I thought he'd want to see me. I waited to see him so I could say happy birthday. I saw his car approaching-he would have seen me but he didn't look over or wave like he normal. I walked around to where he normally parks and he had unusually parked further away, hiding behind other cars. I started to walk over to him and he started up his car and drove away from me. That was 2 weeks ago. He hasn't text or emailed. I'm confused because the last time he spoke to me he was quite firm that everything is fine and that's what I keep holding onto. He's very direct so I'm sure he would tell me if we were over. I keep emailing and texting never getting a reply but I want him to know That I love him & I'm waiting. do I wait for him to approach me? Should I approach him?

daisy2156 Not liking his medications
  • replies: 1

Hi there Just wondering if anyone can help me, I have finally managed to convince my husband to goto a doctore (has taken 10 years) he suffers badly from anxiety and depression. He has just started taking medication, but he said he hates them and mak... View more

Hi there Just wondering if anyone can help me, I have finally managed to convince my husband to goto a doctore (has taken 10 years) he suffers badly from anxiety and depression. He has just started taking medication, but he said he hates them and makes him feel very strange. I suggested that he lessens the dose and goes back to the doctor, but am very worried that he just stops taking them altogether, am not sure what I can do to help...

CathyR79 new to the site
  • replies: 2

Hi all, im a 35yo single mum. I have 2 daughters aged 17 and 15. Im having so much trouble with my 17yo. We both suffer from depression and anxiety. I can just bear it, but my daughter cant. When she was younger she was raped by her father over numer... View more

Hi all, im a 35yo single mum. I have 2 daughters aged 17 and 15. Im having so much trouble with my 17yo. We both suffer from depression and anxiety. I can just bear it, but my daughter cant. When she was younger she was raped by her father over numerous yrs and Ive tried getting her help. At first she went to counseling but she stopped going coz it didnt help, we've been through that many and now she wont go to talk to anyone about it. Now she is such an angry person, she does get violent at times and i cant control her, she has kicked and punched holes in the wall and has got violent towards me and her sister. She even goes outside and kicks and punches brick fences. It scares me a hell of alot. I don't know how to deal with her. She does smoke cigarettes and marijuana. All im doing now is looking for help and advice

Trying_to_understand Lost and confused
  • replies: 2

My partner and I have been together two years. His previous relationship some years back created major financial hardship and with all the repercussions of this event he was shortly there after diagnosed with depression. Over the recent years he has ... View more

My partner and I have been together two years. His previous relationship some years back created major financial hardship and with all the repercussions of this event he was shortly there after diagnosed with depression. Over the recent years he has became increasingly better through medication and creating a better and new routine but he still has his down falls. He has always had a very close relationship with his family however in recent months, he has had a dispute with his family which has resulted in them more or less turning there back on him and he just cannot understand why. As it stems from events before we were together I myself find it hard to understand why they are doing this and when he comes to me for advise at times I am lost for words? He calls his mother quite regularly and tries to have discussions with her to try and work out their issue but it seems she says something to upset him every time which, causes a downfall. Having quite a simple knowledge base of depression and anxiety how can I as a partner support my partner and try to help not let this event consume his and our life, when it seems that his family are merely moving on with theirs and we are in a stand still and dwelling on their every word? Do I need to tell him to stop contacting his Mother the last thing I want to do is offend him, but at times I feel it is the best thing? How can I help to try keep us moving forward so we can enjoy and start our life together as I love him dearly?