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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Concerned_ex-girlfriend Concerned ex-girlfriend - how can I reach out & support my ex?
  • replies: 2

I had been seeing my boyfriend for just over two months, although things had moved quite quickly as we were friends before we got together. Things were great, and we were both the happiest we had been in a long time, but it all ended suddenly. At the... View more

I had been seeing my boyfriend for just over two months, although things had moved quite quickly as we were friends before we got together. Things were great, and we were both the happiest we had been in a long time, but it all ended suddenly. At the time I tried to be patient but did act out of frustration and anger after a period of silence and limited answers. After processing everything and reading posts here, I now think he may suffer from depression and has low self esteem, although he seems to hide it quite well socially. I have since offered my support and told him that I forgive him (however in my initial reaction I told him how much he had hurt and embarrassed me etc and I really regret saying all of those things!) I should mention that he had previously been engaged and it ended when he discovered that she was cheating on him. It was a messy break-up and was probably only about a year ago, so I can understand that this might be all a bit too soon. I would really like some advice as to what to do next. I don't want to quit on him or for him to think that I have, because I really care about him. I am happy to be just his friend if that's what he needs. I am also not sure what his family may be doing to support him. So I feel like I should reach out again. However, I also understand that it is import to give him space. I haven't sent him a message in over a week (and we used to speak almost everyday). Do I give him more time?? My next question is how should I reach out? A friend of mine suggested sending him something light (funny video or something) that might make him laugh, whilst letting him know I am thinking of him, as she said asking how he is and saying that I miss him may make him feel guilty and put pressure on him because he can't be who I would like him to be. But I would also like to try and get the communication going again which may not be achieved with this message. I am also conscious that we haven't spoken about the possibility of him suffering from depression, and as I haven't seen him around, he may be acting fine and the 'are you ok' stuff, might be offensive to him.... Any suggestions would be very welcome!

Helena92 New to forums - My husband recently diagnosed with depression says he no longer loves me
  • replies: 9

Hi My husband has recently been diagnosed with depression he says a major issue for him is he is not happy and thinks it is because he in not in love with me. He says he loves me and I am his best friend and we have a good intimate relationship. This... View more

Hi My husband has recently been diagnosed with depression he says a major issue for him is he is not happy and thinks it is because he in not in love with me. He says he loves me and I am his best friend and we have a good intimate relationship. This to me came out of the blue. I new he seemed low some times he would come home and go straight to bed and hadnt been interested in spending time with me and kids for a while. I put this down to his job (he works as funeral assistant and attends accidents, and has seen many traumatic scenes as you might imagine, he has been working in this job for 15yrs. I find it very hard to cope, he hardly goes to work, and still seems keen to move out. But he hasnt yet as he cant make up his mind what to do. I am hanging in there on the off chance we can work it out as we have two young kids. I also feel his family blames me for his depression, and think his depression should be sorted out by now. Also he does sometimes have days where he will do renovating around house and not sleep at all for a couple of days is this normal for people suffering from depression. Thanks

Chris_B Forums etiquette: give support to receive support
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, particularly any new members who may be reading. From time to time, we get contacted by members who are unhappy that they haven’t received a lot of replies to their posts. Our community champions work very hard to make sure that all newb... View more

Hi everyone, particularly any new members who may be reading. From time to time, we get contacted by members who are unhappy that they haven’t received a lot of replies to their posts. Our community champions work very hard to make sure that all newbies are welcomed when they first post, and we understand that it’s a big step to post for the first time on a forum like this, especially if you aren’t feeling great. It’s important to remember, though, that these forums are a community of real people, just like you, not a one-on-one support environment like going to see your psychologist. To get the best out of being here, one of the best tips we can offer is give support to receive support. Being a good community member means: participating in different threads (not just your own), replying to people who have taken the time to reply to you (even if it’s just to say thank you), and... posting words of emotional support and encouragement when you see others who are hurting and reaching out. You don’t have to feel obliged to solve the problems of others: that’s not what we’re here for. But you can offer empathy and what you’ve learned from your own life experiences, even if it’s just a line or two, eg. “I don't know what to say, but I want to give you my support and tell you I care about what is happening to you and hope life will get better soon.” Try to develop an interest in the journeys of others here on the forums. You may be surprised at how good being an active, caring member here can make you feel. For those of you who have had good experiences giving support here on the forums, please post in this thread here and let us know how it has helped you on your journey.

lilley How do you cope when it seems never ending
  • replies: 1

Everyday is new but the for my husband and daughter there problems are the same. They are both getting help but the days go so quickly and with every positive day comes a big call the following day. I try to remain strong but it's getting harder. I d... View more

Everyday is new but the for my husband and daughter there problems are the same. They are both getting help but the days go so quickly and with every positive day comes a big call the following day. I try to remain strong but it's getting harder. I do what I can to look after myself but life in general is hard ,work finances all to be taken care of. When you are the one who looks after everyone , all the issues to do with the household ,ensure everyone else is happy. I just wish sometimes someone could look after me. I love caring for them , its just hard some days when the future is unsure. I am blessed but I wonder if anyone else feels this way and how do they cope ,feel ,how they survive????

Moonstruck Help me help my son!
  • replies: 6

This is a cry from my heart. I don't know what to say to my son when he rings. He is so depressed and sees only a bleak future...it tears my heart out, not knowing what to say to help him. Life has dealt him some severe blows. I am consumed with guil... View more

This is a cry from my heart. I don't know what to say to my son when he rings. He is so depressed and sees only a bleak future...it tears my heart out, not knowing what to say to help him. Life has dealt him some severe blows. I am consumed with guilt about his childhood when his father left us (there is another son also) and I was in a really bad way trying to stay alive myself, work, deal with my own grief etc. I didn't pay enough attention to him, give him more of my time "be there" properly for him (I was hardly surviving myself)...now he is a man and hasn't, in his eyes, gotten anywhere in life...with no qualifications, no formal training, no sense of direction for a secure older age....his marriage fell apart, his wife leaving him as her parents considered him a bit of a loser....he isn't!! He's a wonderful, intelligent,sensitive man with integrity and high ideals......his life has been one of struggle and I feel responsible for that.....it tears me apart that i wasn't a better mother. I love him so much but not trained in saying the right things.....he says I am the only one he can call and I just have to listen...I have tried to persuade him to ring Beyond Blue.....I've been dealing with my own anxiety/panic after several setbacks recently and knowing he is so depressed has made me much worse.....I don't know how to help him or what to say.....it is tearing my heart out...I love him so much.

kaydea23 Help pls. Depressed husband.<object type="cosymantecnisbfw" cotype="cs" id="SILOBFWOBJECTID" style="width: 0px; height: 0px; display: block;"></object>
  • replies: 1

I need help with my depressed husband as he is so resistant, stubborn and won't let me in emotionally. He is working a job he hates, due to debts (not HUGE debts, but definitely need to pay off credit cards) and is going through a season of negativit... View more

I need help with my depressed husband as he is so resistant, stubborn and won't let me in emotionally. He is working a job he hates, due to debts (not HUGE debts, but definitely need to pay off credit cards) and is going through a season of negativity, darkness and depression. Despite hating his job, he is very good at it (lawyer), but hates the life he lives because of his job (he works crazy hours).We have done lots of couple counselling in the past, and i recommended some resources for him to use now but he is very upfront and said he's not interested in anything. I said I would respect him and be there for him, but it's really taking a toll on me now. I tell him how much I care, and that we are in this together, that i will do what i can to help but he just dwells in this alone and it eats him up. He's an extreme perfectionist, incredibly talented, intelligent, very good looking man, wonderful dad, but hates life. He feels like he is letting himself down because he isn't pursuing something he enjoys, and is wasting his life away while caught in debt. He has been mentioning how much he hates his life and how much he has mucked it up. He is not drinking, no drugs, very with it, head screwed on. Works a high pressure, high profile job. Nothing I'm doing/saying is being acknowledged, but I will try my best to be patient and persist, not get bitter, and keep trying but it's hard not to take it personally. His huge sacrifice of working overrides everything. It makes me feel undervalued, because it's as though nothing I can ever do as a full time mother will ever be as big a sacrifice as his, and what he is going through.Not much I do is being appreciated/acknowledged due to the fact that to him, his huge sacrifice of working and living his current life, is incomparable to anything i'm doing/will ever do (currently full time mum and working when I can). He realises this and says I don't deserve to feel under valued. But it keeps happening. Since his sacrifice for the family is so enormous in his eyes (mine too).I mentioned that I can't help him if everything I suggest/recommend is being shoved back in my face, or not being acknowledged.

Loulabell Desperate need of advice
  • replies: 3

I’m really in need of help. My boyfriend was diagnosed with depression a few weeks ago after he finally agreed to get help. Since then of course, (because of medications and psychology etc) his mood has been up and down which has put a major stress o... View more

I’m really in need of help. My boyfriend was diagnosed with depression a few weeks ago after he finally agreed to get help. Since then of course, (because of medications and psychology etc) his mood has been up and down which has put a major stress on our relationship. We have been together for about 2 and a half years and ever since I have known him I believe he has always been depressed and had a lot of issues due to his family life and upbringing. I myself have gone to get my own help to deal with all this and also from stress with work as I work in mental health. So he is finally getting the help he needs after so many tears, anxiety attacks, nights where I have worried about him so much. He recently told me that he has decided he doesn’t want to have kids, ever, or get married. He believes because of his family history or schizophrenia and his depression, he doesn’t want to reproduce. Of course this is absolutely devastating news to me as all I’ve wanted in live is to have kids and get married. I went into the relationship thinking that this was the case, which it was, until he says hes been thinking this for 6 months and hes been afraid to tell me. My problem I have is that I think it’s because he is still in the early stages of actually getting help and he’s still tweaking his meds. But he still says he is certain his mind won’t change about wanting kids and wants me to know this. If this is certainly true then I have no choice but to leave him and that sounds so awful considering what he’s going through. I don’t know how much this depression has taken over his rational thinking and I just don’t know what to do. I’m 28 and 29 next year and I know some people might think that’s young, but I have my goals and ambitions and I just can’t hang for 5 years until he changes his mind. I am absolutely devastated and I don’t want to go but how do I know he’s for real if hes so depressed? I feel like he wants me to decide on our fate and he keeps saying he can't answer my question; "Do you see a future with me" as he thinks I need to answer that to him. He says hes trying not to push me away but I just think he wants me to end things because he can't. If anyone has gone though this or something similar any advice would be really helpful. Thanks

awolf Husband with Depression
  • replies: 8

My husband and I have been dating since 15 and have been married for several years. Depression is something he has always struggled with. I was always a person he could come to with any issues...until about a year ago. I was pregnant with our only ch... View more

My husband and I have been dating since 15 and have been married for several years. Depression is something he has always struggled with. I was always a person he could come to with any issues...until about a year ago. I was pregnant with our only child and he started talking to a female at work. Things escalated and I told him he was hurting our marriage.I believed something was going on. He left and lived with his parents saying it was untrue and all my fault we had issues. He came back 2 months later and shortly after admitted that there was something going on and this got physical but he was sorry and I forgave him, knowing I would feel regretful if I broke off my marriage to a man I am so completely in love with while I was pregnant. Things were good up until a few months ago when he really laid into me about my mothering and wifeing, saying I didn't do enough- I was the one with a full time job and he was the one working part-time and leaving me with a infant every weekend to go be with his friends. I thought we got past that as I stepped up, but then last week he told me he was too tied down my our son and I and was unhappy and wanted his space and needed to go on a trip alone. Long story short, I love him and I supported it and helped him to make it happen this past weekend. The night before he left one of our mutual friends informed me that he had been talking to a girl and she offered to meet him on this trip that I was funding but he told her no...before he left the next morning, I confronted him and he completely lied saying she didn't exist and then that yes, she did but they've only talked once since we got married, and then no, they have talked a few times but that was it and she was joking about meeting him, and then after he left he told me actually yeah, they have been talking all day every day for a LONG time and he needed her because she understands him and his issues but she isn't meeting him up there...when she found out I found out, according to my husband, she did not want to keep communicating with him. Now he is home. I am lost. He told me what he needs for us to have a happy marriage; which involves me doing everything-- babying, cooking, cleaning, working my 12 hour a night hospital job, and handling everything else. I have been doing this but we are on day 4 of him being home and I am already worn out after being a single parent for 3 days and being upset/worried and I am not sure how long I can keep this up for.

Stormi71 Sharing this emotional quote...
  • replies: 2

So in the new year I'm going to study Cert 4 in Mental Health. My mental health issues have helped me, at age 44, to know what I want to do with my life - be a mental healt support worker. Was reading through some reference material tonight and just ... View more

So in the new year I'm going to study Cert 4 in Mental Health. My mental health issues have helped me, at age 44, to know what I want to do with my life - be a mental healt support worker. Was reading through some reference material tonight and just cried when I read this. THIS is why I'm doing what im doing. " It wasn’t until I finally met a carer consultant and some other carers that I realised I wasn’t alone at all – that these overwhelming (and sometimes traumatizing) experiences were really “normal” in the lives of carers. I was overwhelmed because this was genuinely an overwhelming experience. It wasn’t because I was incompetent. Finding out that I wasn’t alone changed everything for me.” Wilding 2012 (referenced from cert 4 mental health peer support, national mental health association). This is why talking about mental health issues is so beneficial. You are not alone. We're all in this together, we'll get through this together.

Catey_moose Not strong enough to keep Caring
  • replies: 2

Hello, my Husband suffers with depression more on than off over the last five years. I have a chronic illness myself and manage it pretty well but I feel if I let my guard down for a second I'll be in the black hole with him. Which would be the only ... View more

Hello, my Husband suffers with depression more on than off over the last five years. I have a chronic illness myself and manage it pretty well but I feel if I let my guard down for a second I'll be in the black hole with him. Which would be the only thing we have done together for five years. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to be patient and loving and understanding with him and I feel so guilty for thinking that there might be another way to live. Sometimes I just can't be near him for my own survival but I know that it isn't supporting him by doing that. I just can't be everything, do everything and hold myself together to do the right thing for him. I just don't know how to help him or me! Any advice from others in the same boat?