How to help my boyfriend with depression, anxiety and ocd.

[en03]

Hi there,

I have been dating my boyfriend for nearly 9 months now. Right from the start he has been dealing with the above mental illnesses, and I also have a history with depression & anxiety. These last 9 months have been the fantastic, but it has also been hard. We had a huge argument last night and we are both done with each other. He is just simply sick & tired of how he feels all the time, and I am tired of arguing with him. our arguments are just over silly things, I know I should not argue with him because I know that makes him feel worse, but I am out of ideas to help him. I have written letters for him to open for when he feels certain things (upset, wants to cry, he needs love etc), and he's told me they have helped. But sometimes I say things I shouldn't say. I feel like I'm the problem, and I'm making him worse. All I want is for him to be happy, and I'm doing everything I can to help him get there. He does seek professional help, but I just need advice on how I can help him and become a better, more supportive girlfriend.

 Kind regards.

[Guest_1055]

Hello en03

 It sounds like you really care about your boyfriend. I have read a few other posts that sound a little like yours.One of the suggestions that were given was the access to free resources on this site for people like you, but because I am still finding my own way around this site, I couldn't tell you exactly where they are. But I am sure, if you keep looking you will come across it.

And good on you for loving and wanting to support your boyfriend.

With love xxx

[Guest_1055]

Oh wait, I just scrolled down to the end of this page, where it is all blue.Clicked on" Find Resources". I believe it is there what are are seeking for.

[geoff]

dear En, Shelley Anne is correct and what you can do is order 'all the printed material' from BB, which is all free and it has a great deal of information on any type of depression, what you can do and plenty of suggestions.

OCD is generated by anxiety, and both of these come under the label of 'depression'.

It can be very difficult for someone to live with a person who has OCD, because they can never understand why anyone needs to do habits and/or rituals on a regular basis, because to them it just doesn't make sense or could never be justified, but that's what OCD makes us do, and a couple of examples are that they have to wash their hands every single minute and if they believe that they have touched something that may seem to be dirty then they have to wash their hands once again.

If by any chance the argument was about his OCD or what he was doing then it will make you annoyed that he can't understand why he needs to do it, but it would be interesting to hear back from you. Geoff. x

[Hypatia]

Hey en,

Being with someone who suffers from depression can be very hard - just like being with someone with any debilitating illness can. So I feel you here - so much. I've had a pretty rough couple of days myself with my partner in a down spell. For me, sometimes, it is just the constant living with darkness that saps me, combined with the worry and the frustration of seeing the kind, silly, passionate man I love shrink into a shaky shadow.

The letters is an awesome idea! I'm going to pinch that one. It's takes strength to do that, by the way, props to you for that.

We all say stuff we shouldn't. This is an impossible situation to get right always, even for a saint much less normal people like us. I have a therapist myself, and one of the best things she has worked with me on is just letting go of things like that instead of agonising about it (I have some shockers of careless stuff I said etc.). Tell him you know you shouldn't have said that, then try not to dwell on it. Your bf doesn't need a perfect person, he needs the person he loves: you, including your mistakes.

Some ideas if you do want to keep trying to make this work:

* Get some space for yourself - everyone will tell you to do this, and it is so very hard to do, but it really is important. Have a list of things that will make *you* feel better that aren't dependent on him, even if it is a tiny bit better. It might be taking a bath, or going for a walk, or playing a favourite computer game, or putting headphones on and dancing to daggy music. It might be calling a close friend or a family member. When you feel yourself about to do something you know isn't helpful, like start an argument, instead give him a hug, tell him you love him, and you'll be back soon then go away for a bit and do whatever you've chosen.

*Make sure you have friends and family and broader support. Preferably people who understand what you are dealing with. I find this very hard - sometimes I have so little energy for listening to other people's problems, and I don't want to burden anyone with mine, which feel like a broken record, but feeling like there is more to my world than the two people in the bunker with depression is really important.

*Accept you can't fix this. So much harder to do than to say. But this is a disease - it won't go away if he has the perfect gf. This might be hard for him too, and maybe he blames you sometimes. If so, he's wrong. You both have to work out how to live with it.

Luck & hugs!

[en03]

Hi Shelley!

Thank you for responding, and I appreciate your advice. I will use that link you have sent me to. Thank you again! I really appreciate it! 🙂

Emma

[en03]

Hi Geoff,
Hi OCD isn't cleaning, it's more of less counting things, and double checking to make sure it's okay. for example, I took him to the gym, and he always counts how many exercises he's done, he always has to finish on 8. So sometimes I'll be waiting around for him to finish. I don't mind, at all, it gives me extra time. Or another example is, his zip on his cricket bag is broken, but it can still close, he spent a good 10 minutes just making sure all zips were closed, and he checked more than 10 times, he went in circles. I said it wasn't necessary and i'll make sure nothing falls out but that didn't seem to help. I tried to be nice about it, but he might not have taken it that way.

we are very different, he's quiet, polite and shy. whereas I am the opposite, I am polite (I'd like to think so! haha), but we were at an event on the weekend and he wanted to wait for everyone to leave the stairs before we go, he knew I was anxious about time and I said something that triggered his depression and he instantly went into this dark place and refused to talk to me. I think I have trouble controlling my anxiety, as well as understanding his anxiety and OCD, and I need to work on that.

Thank you for responding, I truly appreciate it! 🙂

 - Emma

[en03]

Hey Hypatia,

Your response has really opened up a few doors for me, and I am more aware of how I can work on myself, as well as be there for my boyfriend. My biggest problem is that I don't think before I speak, and I have always been like that, It's just who I am. But since dating my boyfriend, I have been worse and I think it is because I don't understand his OCD or anxiety, so now I will make a conscious effort to stop, think and breathe before I speak, especially if we're in an argument or he is anxious or having his ODC tendencies.

Thank you again! 🙂

[geoff]

dear Emma, counting is certainly one thing which I used to do excessively, and cleaning was an example, but boy there are so many rituals that we need to perform, and I really can understand him checking his cricket bag all those times.

I have learnt over 56 years of having OCD that I needed to hide what ever I do, but it has taken me a long time to realise this, but I have to say that one of my sons has this illness and he's in his 30's, now he hides it, but when I am with him, he says sorry Dad but I have to do this, so he does it when I and him are only there, but he doesn't want to take any medication.

What ever you say I can totally understand, and if I was there with him, I know what he has to do. Geoff. x

[en03]

I let him know it's okay. I always say 'babe, it's okay not to check, I'm here in case anything goes wrong', and he know's I'm here for him if something goes wrong with whatever he has checked, but he obviously still feels the need to check, and I'm okay with that. As I said before, I need to work on thinking before I say things so we don't argue.

Thank you for advice Geoff, it has helped greatly 🙂