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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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hopelessness Two depressed people
  • replies: 6

My husband went to therapy without telling me for a period of time. He's hid it from me well and I didn't even notice things were wrong. I know he's been tired but when I asked him about it, he always said it was work. About a month ago, he told me t... View more

My husband went to therapy without telling me for a period of time. He's hid it from me well and I didn't even notice things were wrong. I know he's been tired but when I asked him about it, he always said it was work. About a month ago, he told me that he's been depressed and he doesn't love me anymore. This threw me into a deep depression. We're still living together, me in the bedroom, him in the study. This is due to financial reasons as well as one of our dogs just had knee surgery and requires lots of extra care. My husband is a kind man and he's willing to do everything to help me get to a place where I can cope. He said he understands that I will cry and I will be sad and he knows I need to process. He's willing to give me time and care for me. But I am also very concern about him, worry about how my depression is doing to him. I know he's hurting when I cry as he feels responsible for causing this pain. I don't want to hurt him and he doesn't want to hurt me, but both of us depressed are not helping. He seems to be doing better as he's had more time to process. I'm still somewhat in shock. When I am crying, he can't help but reach out and hold me. I am conflicted because I still love him and wants him to hold me, but I'm so afraid that it is hurting him. I want to be able to self sooth but it's been difficulty as I tend to go to dark places. I know we both need to set some boundaries but I don't know how. It would be helpful if we can go to couple's counselling. However, he's refused. (We are both seeing someone individually.) It's just hard to know how to do this when neither one of us know how to do it. I know we are both in fragile states and I don't want to do anything that would push us in the wrong direction. How do we support each other without hurting each other?

carerholdingstrong my partner suffers from chronic anxiety and depression and we also have a long distance relationship, we are like a yoyo
  • replies: 3

my bf and I have nearly been together for about a yr. we were friends for 4 yrs before we were in a relationship. We live in different states due to work. 4mths of last year was bliss... not one sign of any anxiety and depression. Then the darkness h... View more

my bf and I have nearly been together for about a yr. we were friends for 4 yrs before we were in a relationship. We live in different states due to work. 4mths of last year was bliss... not one sign of any anxiety and depression. Then the darkness hit. Not only on our relationship... i had family deaths and personal things happen that he couldn't be here for me emotionally or physically. I have broken up and got back on track then he would push me away again. Ive never left his side. No matter how upset or what a mess we might be in I've never walked away. despite numerous friends and sometime family telling me i should. my love for him has only grown as I know this is not him its the illness. Im trying so much to be the friend rather then the girlfriend, I'm not sure if that right. Recently he has taken a step to trying to feel better and is now on meds... he was always against them. I can't explain how proud i was when he told me he was on meds and was feeling good and positive and apologised for shutting me out and was going to make a effort to speak to me. I think i got to over excited, i became bit full on with texting him and wanting to share exciting things... i was so excited to see this man back. it lasted a wk. apparently he can't do a relationship so stop waiting, you deserve better, you need to move on, i can't give you what you want. I'm only 98% in a relationship with you i can't give you 100% and without that 100% we can't be together. Im at a point were i just don't know what to do anymore. my heart tells me to stay, my head says are you ever going to have a future, and the people around me don't understand it. I feel like I'm breaking, crying is a frequent thing for me when i sit and think of him, i worry about him daily. I carry on everyday like everythings ok and we will get there. when most of the time i feel like he hates me as he pushes me away so much. I haven't seen him physically in 6mths.. he won't let me come visit him, he's isolated in location so its not like i can just go on holidays and run into him. I understand that his place is his space and he has to be in the right place to allow that to happen. Its the worst feeling to not see him. if anyone is in a similar situation I would appreciate any advise.

curly1991 Long distance partner suffering from major depressive disorder, feeling helpless and unsure of how to help. Advice Please??!!
  • replies: 2

Hello,I'm new here and don't really know where to begin. I have been with my partner for 4 months. My partner suffered from major depressive disorder and was on medication 2 years ago, but stopped taking it due to extreme side effects. Toxic people w... View more

Hello,I'm new here and don't really know where to begin. I have been with my partner for 4 months. My partner suffered from major depressive disorder and was on medication 2 years ago, but stopped taking it due to extreme side effects. Toxic people were removed from his life that put strain and unnecessary stress on him and during that time till 2 weeks ago, he was feeling much better. We met and he was more than open about everything and I understood that at anytime things could take a turn, i just hadnt expected it to happen so soon in our relationship. He is a very needy person, and i know he loves me more than anything in this world. Being in a long-distance relationship is hard at times for us, because of how much we love each other, but we have spent 2.5 months out of the 4 together, the rest we would text throughout the day when work permits, call on his way home, call when he was home, cook dinner together on the phone, watch television, skype and talk before bed. In 4 days he had gone from happy and loving and very much himself, to withdrawn, barely talking to me, and wanting to be left alone. He made and appointment with his doctor wed and he is going back on some form of meds, but at the moment he is very much withdrawn and avoiding me. He would say i was the only one that could relieve the stress, or calm him down and i was happy and proud that i could be that person, because he does the same for me. I'm just struggling a little, i dont know what to say to him, i feel like im tiptoeing on glass, and im so scared ill say something that will push him away. At the same time i feel like he is slowly pulling away anyway. I know it is because of what he is dealing with. He tells me he loves me and misses me daily. I just really don't know how to act, help or what to do. I worry he wiill fall out of love with me. He is still the man i fell inlove with, and his illness does not make me love him any less. And i know the love he feels for me is something he takes pride in, he doesn't love easy and tells me often that i am one of 3 people he truly truly loves. I am just finding it hard adjusting to the distance ontop of the kms we share anyway.I want to support him, help him through this, because i know that the dreams he has for our future is something that he would still want when he has gotten through this, i just don't know how to help him what to say as to not push him away so we both lose what we want for our lives together.

DizzySmith Need Help!
  • replies: 2

My partner and I had our first child at the start of 2014. Looking back on the pregnancy there were a number of tell-tale signs that she was developing anxiety but having not been through a pregnancy before were both thought it was just how she was m... View more

My partner and I had our first child at the start of 2014. Looking back on the pregnancy there were a number of tell-tale signs that she was developing anxiety but having not been through a pregnancy before were both thought it was just how she was meant to be feeling. I truly didn’t know something was really wrong until our little girl was about 2 months old and I had gone back to work (FIFO) and came back to my partner completely not coping. We finally got her diagnose with postnatal anxiety and was able to get her help. She was prescribed sleeping tablets and anti-depression medication but after about 8 months of taking the anti depressants she decided that she was better and weened herself off them. Our little girl is now nearly two years old and is doing extremely well, but over the past 4-6 months things have started to get dramatically worse with my partner. Our little one went through a stage were her sleeping became completely inconsistent causing massive stress for my partner and she thought that it was never going to get better and stopped seeing the positives in our daughters development. Around the same time my job has become extremely unstable (mining industry) where I haven't once in the last 6 months been paid on time and with little or no communication added to the mix of not knowing where the future with the company is heading. This has added to her stress levels (and mine) but it has become more obvious to me and her mother who she is extremely close with that she is battling with depression. On any day she can break down into tears, gets angry over minor details, struggles getting to sleep (even though she is still using sleeping tablets) or waking up. She does have her good days but even when she is feeling good I still feel like any little thing will set her off. On multiple occasions we have suggested that she needs to talk to someone about what is happening but on each occasion she denies that anything is wrong and that it is all to do with my job or our daughter’s behaviour or any other excuse she comes up with at the time. She has become very good at hiding her emotions with other people, so no one knows what she is going through. How can I get her to understand that something is not right and talk to someone that may be able to help her? I don’t want to force her to talk to someone but I also want her to get help that she needs. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Bob_Grey Wife depressed, having trouble coping.
  • replies: 18

Hi. I've been married for 10 years and have one child. My wife had some anxiety and depression issues but when we had our daughter she went into post natal depression and never quite came back. She's on medication and sees a counsellor on and off. Sh... View more

Hi. I've been married for 10 years and have one child. My wife had some anxiety and depression issues but when we had our daughter she went into post natal depression and never quite came back. She's on medication and sees a counsellor on and off. She's lost interest in sex and never seems like she's ok with life - there's always something to make her unhappy.I've mostly coped until now but recently I've gotten infatuated with a co-worker. I haven't said anything to anyone - the girl at work may or may not be in a relationship (complicated), no idea if she'd be interested even if she wasn't, and even if she was interested it would mean devastating my wife. If I told my wife that I was attracted to another woman she'd be hurt and she doesn't deserve that. Plus, she'd then be worried about me working with someone I'm attracted to and probably demand I find another job when her work situation is precarious. So keeping my mouth shut for the time being - the girl in question will be leaving next year so that problem should at least fix itself.At my worst I sometimes wonder if my wife isn't capable of happiness with me then am I better off leaving. But I don't want to hurt her and I really don't want to hurt my daughter. And that's at my worst - I'd prefer everyone to end up happy. Like I said, I've coped so far, just having trouble at the moment.

ScoutFinch How to commit a family member.
  • replies: 4

Hi all, Just wondering if anyone is able to offer up some advice for how to commit a family member in Victoria. I have tried by calling the CAT team but they were of no assistance and stopped providing me with updates. I have a family member who is v... View more

Hi all, Just wondering if anyone is able to offer up some advice for how to commit a family member in Victoria. I have tried by calling the CAT team but they were of no assistance and stopped providing me with updates. I have a family member who is very depressed and only now just realises this. She has also been suffering from alcoholism and I believe psychosis for some time. I have attempted to help, as have other family members since becoming aware of this, as for many years I was too young to identify the issues. She has herself said she may need to go away but never follows through with it. She had a family member removed from her care which has made the situation worse but I believe she has been suffering since a teen - she is now in her 50's. I myself suffer from anxiety (a lot of which my psychologist believes was caused by this family member). I have run out of options as I can't help her anymore and she won't help herself. It leads to her yelling and screaming nearly everytime I talk to her, and as horrible as it sounds makes me not want to be around her as it always leads to the same stuff. Can anyone recommend avenues I could take to have her committed without the CAT team involvement as unfortunately they have not proven to be a resource I can rely on. Thanks in advance.

Wits_end Wife depressed and suffering anxiety need to talk to someone
  • replies: 2

Hi my wife of 14 yrs has had issues with alcohol since her father died 10 yrs ago after my wife's father died she took to drinking a lot of alcohol and would pass out drunk most nights for many years and I never really thought it a problem as I was d... View more

Hi my wife of 14 yrs has had issues with alcohol since her father died 10 yrs ago after my wife's father died she took to drinking a lot of alcohol and would pass out drunk most nights for many years and I never really thought it a problem as I was drunk a lot of the time too.i could drink and enjoy myself where as my wife had become depressed and sad when drinking. about 6 yrs ago we started trying for a baby and didn't have any luck until we had our 3rd go at Ivf and we now have a beautiful boy who we both love.she drank a lot leading up to the pregnancy where as I had stopped about 4 yrs ago trying to be supportive for her I figured I can't ask her to stop drinking while I still drank plus I didnt enjoy the sensation anymore.when she fell pregnant she stopped drinking and her hormones levelled out and she was the most calmest I had ever known her,usually she has a short fuse and stresses about everything.after the baby was born she went back to drinking but only having one or two a night which she thinks is fine but I want her to only drink on the weekend which has now caused a rift between us,basically I don't think she is capable of not drinking as she is stressed out most days and needs a drink to cope with life and at times I just want her to address her issues with depression and anxiety which she won't do as she thinks she will be worse on medication,she now feels I am trying to control her by regulating her drinking I just told her if I didn't care about her I would pour her a drink myself. I love my boy and the thought of not seeing him everyday destroys me but I can't take much more of the abuse and moods and depression in this marriage I'm trying my hardest to focus on everything and remain positive and yet everyday there she is always stressed and negative about most things.she lashes out and accuses me of being perfect which I'm not ,no one is I'm just trying my hardest to make changes but she is always finding a reason not to change for the better even when she admits she has a problem.am I being to hard?is it to much to ask of someone to not drink until the weekend?she only drinks 1 or 2 glasses of wine a night during the week but on the weekend she may finish of 4 bottles because "it's the weekend and that was the deal"I have had one beer in 3 weeks and that was a social thing I'm starting to think maybe I am the one who is wrong in wanting her to stop?help please don't know what to do anymore and it's starting to break me down

en03 How to help my boyfriend with depression, anxiety and ocd.
  • replies: 9

Hi there, I have been dating my boyfriend for nearly 9 months now. Right from the start he has been dealing with the above mental illnesses, and I also have a history with depression & anxiety. These last 9 months have been the fantastic, but it has ... View more

Hi there, I have been dating my boyfriend for nearly 9 months now. Right from the start he has been dealing with the above mental illnesses, and I also have a history with depression & anxiety. These last 9 months have been the fantastic, but it has also been hard. We had a huge argument last night and we are both done with each other. He is just simply sick & tired of how he feels all the time, and I am tired of arguing with him. our arguments are just over silly things, I know I should not argue with him because I know that makes him feel worse, but I am out of ideas to help him. I have written letters for him to open for when he feels certain things (upset, wants to cry, he needs love etc), and he's told me they have helped. But sometimes I say things I shouldn't say. I feel like I'm the problem, and I'm making him worse. All I want is for him to be happy, and I'm doing everything I can to help him get there. He does seek professional help, but I just need advice on how I can help him and become a better, more supportive girlfriend. Kind regards.

Hypatia Crappy day - could use cheering up
  • replies: 6

So, this morning has been a marathon and I'm feeling particularly crappy. After a good weekend, my partner had terrible insomnia this morning, woke up very low and increasingly anxious. After an hour sleep in, and cuddles, I coaxed him into the showe... View more

So, this morning has been a marathon and I'm feeling particularly crappy. After a good weekend, my partner had terrible insomnia this morning, woke up very low and increasingly anxious. After an hour sleep in, and cuddles, I coaxed him into the shower, but getting to work this morning was too big an ask. He drove me to work, then was going home to see how he feels. I'm worried he's going to sleep all day, and then not again tonight and repeat the pattern. I'm also desperately worried about his capacity to keep this job, and work full-time. He's run out of sick leave, and is now using annual leave, but that will also run out soon. I keep trying to work out how to rebalance the budget with him working part-time, but it is hard and I'm terrified of both going under financially and placing pressure on him to work when he can't, by telling him about the money pressure. I'm also desperately worried about the effect on him if he can't work. He is liked and well-respected at work, and while he finds it stressful and frustrating, he takes pride in his achievements and has strong affection for his coworkers. That disappearing would be awful. But his pattern of attendance at the moment is so spotty, I can't see it not becoming an issue. So I spend an hour trying to get him to get to work, then make myself late. And my job is bananas - I can't keep working the kind of short days I have been since the depression worsened a couple of months ago. And when I'm at work, I can't concentrate properly. By the time I get in, there is a queue of people wanting stuff, and I'm trying to work through it all, but I'm desperately worried, and stressed and all I want to do is crawl up under my desk and cry. But of course, we need my income more than ever right now, so I have to work out how to pull it together, focus and be there. I mostly have no idea how to handle the mornings - should I be trying to get him to go to work? When does offering help become pushing to go? He has terrible self esteem when he goes down, so it is very easy for even gentle suggestions to end up making him feel miserable and useless for feeling miserable. But honestly, I don't think it is good for him to be at home too much. Could use some advice, support. This gig is really hard sometimes

Zoe22 When to let go of a loved one struggling with depression?
  • replies: 4

I've had a rocky relationship with an ex (Jim) for 2 years. In my heart, I think he's the love of my life. It's hard to admit my gut may be off. That's why this so emotionally draining. We dated for 2 years before he withdrew. I knew he loved me by h... View more

I've had a rocky relationship with an ex (Jim) for 2 years. In my heart, I think he's the love of my life. It's hard to admit my gut may be off. That's why this so emotionally draining. We dated for 2 years before he withdrew. I knew he loved me by how he treated me. Anyway, to make a longer story shorter he moved for a job and we tried long distance. It was HIS idea. Long distance was harder than both of us thought. We took a break but talked daily. Then slowly he withdrew. I felt mad and sent him an e-mail pouring my heart out. Never got a response. It was stone silent for 10 MONTHS with only 1 message from him 3 months in saying let's talk soon. When I responded, NOTHING. It was bizarre. I reached out to him monthly because I was confused, hurt, and upset. A back story-Jim's been through a lot-his mom died when he was 19. His dad had a hard time coping. Whenever I saw his dad, he drank alcohol and worked excessively to numb his pain. I think Jim started to do that too. Working crazy hours at a hospital in the ICU. After a lot of crying, I got a message after 10 months. He said he was in a really dark place. I mentioned having him talk to someone but he said he was fine. Eventually, he moved to his hometown (far from me). We started talking again everyday. I let him in again. He hinted about us dating. I went to visit him. In my head, I thought we were kinda dating. He said he's loved me for some time. I told him I'd move to make it work. Jim said he needed time to think. He got distant again and said it was too much with school (he started attending a 3 year grad program) in August. That he couldn't give me what I needed but wanted me in his life. Mixed emotions. I feel trapped. I want to wait for him but get upset because we've been off and on for 2 years. I told him he's not treating me nicely. I feel guilty because I don't want to lower his self esteem. Now he's not responding. It's like when I get too close, he gets overwhelmed and withdraws. Like he can't deal with emotion. I worry he's going to be a workaholic and keep numbing his feelings. I feel lost. I want him in my life but it's hard when the relationship is rocky. I want to have a family. I feel like if I keep doing this and he keeps acting this way, it might pass me by. It's hard. I don't want to give up on him or not be there for him. He told me I was too good for him. I don't want him to feel low. I want him to talk and work it out. Any advice? Is it time to give up? How do you cope?