Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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I need help to know how to support my partner

replies: 10

Hi, I'm engaged to a wonderful man who makes me so happy and I can see us laughing in our 80s. The wedding is in July, I have a "mum-of-the-bride-zilla which is stressful. We recently changed jobs, moved cities, leaving family and friends behind, since then have had people staying with us most weeks so we haven't been alone much over the last 4-5 months. We also just missed out on a home purchase last week so there is a lot going on. my fiancé had a difficult upbringing, parents separating, his mum not wanting to/being able to care for him and some other stuff that I am sure has an impact on his mental wellbeing. we have been together for 4 years, and living together most of that time. He has had bouts of depression and did see a family doctor once (who also provided counselling with his mum situ) who prescribed him anti depressants. He took them for a while but didn't like the way they made him feel - his sex drive slowed massively and hasn't really come back. since moving the depression is back (self diagnosed). He won't come out or meet new ppl. He has started telling people he feels depressed (me, boss, close friend) and has suggested seeing a doc but not acted on it yet. during our relationship there have been times when his self esteem has been low so to boost it he will flirt/text/email other girls. As far as I know he has never done anything physical but this created a rift in our relationship and some trust issues which we are working through. tonight, when "bored", his ex randomly happened to get in touch. She sometimes asks him to talk, he usually says no. Tonight they talked on the phone for an hour and reminisced a bit. I got upset. This sort of upset happens now and then - each time he retracts, saying he is always hurting me and making me sad and I would be better off without him, so he will leave. That is the opposite of what I need - his love and reassurance. I never understood until today that this is probably a result of the depression, low self esteem and maybe fear of abandonment. he doesn't talk about his sad feelings too much and when he gets sad or this kind of thing happens he insists on being alone. He won't have me near him. It's always when I need him most so this is not good. My being upset makes him feel worse but I can't excuse the behaviour just because he is depressed? I don't know how to help him, and I struggle to both calm myself and leave him be. I tell him I love him and I'm there for him, and always apologise.

Advice from parents about antidepressants

replies: 3

My son who is 20 has been given a prescription for an antidepressant. I am really scared for him because all the reading I have done said this drug is not good for young people. It can increase suicide feelings. Please looking for advice and experien... View more

Supporting husband and don't know what to do

replies: 5

Hi everyone...where do I start.. I'm new to this, I'm 25, have 3 children-younger two are with my husband and my eldest is from a previous relationship, he is 8 and has Asperger's syndrome, sensory processing disorder and anxiety issues. My husband is from New Zealand and has not become a citizen yet but has been here for 13 years, owns a house and has always worked up until just the last few months when he had a break down and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Things took a turn for the worst when our 8 year old was getting bullied by a 16 year old on the school bus and we had to have a meeting at the boys high school, when we got out of the high school and into the car my husband had what the doctors called a severe panic attack. He started shaking and breathing funny and then he collapsed and stopped breathing. I raced him to the hospital. My 3 year old was in the car at the time and got obviously very distraught. My hisband is home now but Continues to have twitches and panic attacks and is always sleeping. My concern is that I only get what I can as a mother from Centrelink but I can't make ends meet so I'm trying to find a job while still caring for him and my children but I'm so worried because I can't afford Childcare so my youngest will have to stay with my husband if I work but he can barely walk in a straight line, stay awake for very long, he doesn't even have control over the jerks his body makes, he isn't fit to watch a child and I have no friends or family at all. Has anyone been in this situation before? Or know of somewhere I can turn to for help? Please

Understanding why my partner is pushing me away

replies: 1

I am in a fairly new relationship after having recently separated but we have known each other for 5 years. My partner has been separated for several years. We both have school age children and both busy professionals. We became very close very quickly and while I was away for a few weeks at the beginning of the relationship we remained in constant and intimate contact. Within just a couple of weeks of my return everything changed and I could feel him starting to pull away and not have time to catch up. Initially I put this down to busy lives with kids and work, however as days and weeks went on I realised there was something much more to it than that. I told him I was very confused and didn't understand what had happened and asked if he could explain. He replied by saying he didnt know what it was but that he puts his head in the sand and pretends everything is ok when he knows it's not. That he had issues with anxiety and got stressed over stupid things and try's to hide it from everyone. He told me he was going to the psych to start getting help. He told me it was no excuse for how he's treated me and he felt ashamed that he has hurt me and run away and that he runs away from a lot of things and that he thinks it means he needs to be on his own for a lot longer than he thought. He said he wanted to catch up to talk about it in person but it's been over a week now and he's already postponed once. We have agreed to meet in a coupe of days. I guess the question I am asking is should I just walk away and let him be and have his space ( easier said than done)..... Or do I ask him to let me in and help him through this? I am angry with him but I know I shouldn't be and I want to know how best to handle the situation when I do see him in a couple of days.

Wife suffering with OCD and family impact

replies: 3

My wife was diagnozed with OCD about 2 years ago. Particularly horrendous intrusive thoughts specifically about me. We have talked about this alot and while I understand they are part of her condition, I would be lying if I said the didn't hurt me deeply. But we are working through it. Fast forward 1 year and I was made redundant from my job. Whilst my employer at the time insisted that it was nothing to do with my performance, I always had a nagging feeling that I wasn't being told the whole story. Fast forward another year and after finding a great job with a fantastic company, questions were again raised about my performance. I finally made the decision to get some help and was diagnozed with Depression about 4 months ago - which pretty much explained why my performance had dropped so much. This is now being treated with meds and feeling much better. According to my doc, this was triggered by my wife's OCD diagnosis ( due to the nature of it). We have discussed this and she understands (from what she has told me) this. She is going through a particularly hard period at the moment and all I feel is guilt...... I should not have told her about my condition. Would her life be better if I was not part of it? I feel like I just cause her too much pain considering the subject of her intrusive thoughts. I rationalise this every day and say that this has nothing to do with me. It does get hard...

No idea how to proceed...

replies: 6

So. Bear with me whilst i lay down some back story: My mother is a narcissist. It took me 35 years to work it out. I spent much of my life blaming myself, my environment and those around me for my moods, anxiety etc and it wasn't until I discovered this issue with my Mother that I have been able to do anything positive about it. Ultimately I ended up breaking up with her. It was FREAKIN' hard to do and it made everything worse for a while but she left me alone for nearly a year in which time most of my troubles have faded away. It's confirmation to me that I was justified in ending our relationship. It goes against my nature to ever blame someone else for my issues but in this case it seems to have had merit. We kept contact minimally for the sake of my daughter and spoke via Skype on special occasions but otherwise nothing. I received a message today from her saying it's killing her to be shut out and she wants to reconnect and try to talk out whatever the issues are. How the hell do you tell a narcissist that you left them because they are a narcissist. I want to be honest but I dont want to bring back all the anxiety and I dont want to destroy her... Part of me wants to reconnect but Im worried it will be pointless. It's a narcissists nature to deny any fault. I feel like if I continue to shun her I'll be doing the wrong thing. If I reconnect with her there's ALL sorts of potential disaster waiting... It gives me anxiety just thinkin' about it... ANY advice is welcome...

I want to help my wife

replies: 5

HelloI am a husband who is lost and does not know what to do. I have 2 children 9 and 6. Their loving mother has been diagnosed with clinical depression 10 years ago. Through reading this site I have learnt why we do not go to BBQ's anymore or why I have lost my friends. She has no friends. Mainly due to my wife not wanting to associate with other's. I find it hard that she will still go to all of her work function's. It is a stretch to go to the neighbours for a drink or meal. This Christmas things escalated with my wife having a screaming match with my sister as well as reducing her own mother to tears over a basket of washing. We have great time's where every one is laughing to one hour later and the kids are screamed at for spilling a drink. And I mean screamed at not just a normal scream but a scream that is not warranted. Me I seem to be a great person or the next day hated like an enemy. I have talked to her about getting help and have offered to go with her. I can tell when she is really bad. She looks grey in the face. The thing that really annoys me is in one moment she will be so angry and yelling at the kids to a knock o the door from the neighbour. She will be smiling and happy and laughing. Then the neighbour is gone and then watch out. I like to think I am a good man but hell this is really hard to stand.

Trying to fight for our relationship

replies: 4

Hi everyone. I know I'm a strong person but this time I don't know anymore how to handle the situation wd my partner. At the start of our relationship I already knew he has history of anxiety & depression. As it is 'history' then I thought it's over as he also stopped taking medications. He was good to me and we lasted more than 2yrs. However, in the course of our relationship I can see some inconsistencies with his behaviour. Problems can be like mountains to him. He's forgetful and blame it to his medications for his anxiety and depression. He can't think fast. Always dreading going to work. Always having an upset tummy that doest respond to normal medication. Scared to go to sleep because he might not be able to wake up. Run to the confession room the next day after we have sex. Watch porn too much even though he feels too guilty about it. On the things he feels guilty of doing he would still do them and the cycle goes on. He's scared of the end of the world. His behaviours will immediately change when there's a full bright moon but when he's fine he knew that his reaction to it is beyond normal. For a couple of times we almost broke up but this time all of a sudden he moved out. He broke up with me bec accdg to him I deserve some1 better & that he has done too much damage already. But I was able to talk him into coming back together. We are communicating well through text and I know in my heart that he still loves me but don't know what to do with it that he would rather run. I don't know if anxiety and depression is causing him not to think properly of a solution cause he will always tell me "I dont know...it's like my brain is not functioning properly...I'm lost" I told him I'm here and I want us to fight for our love but he always say that he might disappoint me in the future. I want to fight for this bec before he fought for it too. But, sometimes he's hard to understand. His reasonings and his constant change of mind. I feel hurt too and sometimes emotions clouded my judgwmet and forget that he is not coping well. He agreed to see a psychologist again but said he had bad experiences with them that's why he did not went back. But still I was able to convince him and he said he will make arrangements. I'm scared though that he might change his mind again as he always does. I want to make him feel better, have a clear head, and decide and make judgements properly for himself and not only for our relationship.

My husband or my children

replies: 19

My husband is depressed - he hasn't been to a doctor about it yet (or he claims he did and they brushed him off but I have doubts about that one, paid in cash so there is no record etc etc) but we have done a lot to try and help. I've been with him 5 years and in that time I've cleaned up his diet (and gotten him off blood pressure meds in the process), got him under regular chiropractic care, tried to get him exercising, all the usual lifestyle type changes. It's gotten worse not better. We have two beautiful boys together who are 1 and 2 years old. They haven't been easy, my first was a horrific birth where he helped them physically pin me down against my will among other forms of abuse instead of being there for me and I know I have a lot of resentment for that but i'm working on it and it showed me the kind of man he really is (or isn't). Our oldest also has a shoulder condition that causes him pain (which in turn causes lack of sleep and therefore shocking behaviour and a lot of violence). He will finally be getting an MRI and hopefully a diagnosis in the next few weeks (in spite of my pushing and pushing since his birth). Our younger boy had some lung issues which required almost 2 weeks in hospital including time in special care and being transferred twice to larger hospitals, eventually the kids hospital (he is fine, was completely signed off at around a year old). The point is that I get they have been above average on the stress scale, but i'm the stay at home parent, i'm the one who has to deal with all the specialists and chasing it all up, all the behaviours through the day etc and I try to minimise the impact on my husband as much as possible. I do all the night waking for both kids 100% of the time, the number of times he has had them can be counted on one hand and consist solely of driving around to keep them quiet. Hubby is away working at present and I hadn't realised how much extra work he adds for me picking up after him, walking on eggshells, trying to keep kids quiet (he has been gone for two months straight now and isn't sure if he wants us to join him or not). I love him and want to help but this can't be good for the kids either, I don't know where to head to from here, its so much work and I don't know how long I can keep it all going without letting something slip - choosing between your husband and kids is no choice, there has to be another way

Trying to Support someone who can't and won't accept a situation

replies: 3

Hi I'm new to this forum thing! I'm with a partner who was cheated on by his ex-wife for two years (has been separated/divorced for two years). I know he has come so far in the fact that we are in a relationship. We have the benefit of knowing each other and being friends for 12 years and having had a previous relationship together back all those years ago. He has 2 daughters which he adores and has 4 of the 7 nights during the week for all the school essentials etc. I myself have been separated for 2 years and have 2 boys. My relationship with my ex is very amicable and we have great communication and agreements in place. So I do kind of know what he's going through. My current partner doesn't have that. His ex has no remorse for what she did and uses his girls as leverage against him financially, emotionally and against the best interest of the girls. He won't take her to court to get a better custody arrangement because he is so frightened that the court will make them go to a week on week off arrangement and he can't cope without seeing them for that long. He is struggling to accept that he doesn't have the girls under his roof everynight and despite everyone's advice saying he has to make the best of a bad situation, accept it is what it is, and learn to accept it, he has really been struggling with this. He can't and won't accept it. His emphatic statement. My issue is I don't know what to do for him or say to him. I listen and let him have his say when he does actually talk. I've pretty much said I don't know what to say to he can't and won't accept the situation. He won't go to court because of his fear! He's convinced that because he's a father the court will favour the mother. I want to help but I don't know how. He won't go and talk to someone professional - refuses! He's not depressed in his mind. He knows what the issue is - the girls aren't with him. His ex has moved in with her latest boyfriend and he has concerns that drugs are being used in the house and he can't do anything about it. I know you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. But I can't just sit back and do nothing. I just want to be there and support him the best I can - but I'm lost as to what to do. I'm starting to feel drained and verbally attacked at times for trying to support him and I'm not prepared to just walk away. That would be the easy option.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

I need help to know how to support my partner replies: 10

Advice from parents about antidepressants replies: 3

Supporting husband and don't know what to do replies: 5

Understanding why my partner is pushing me away replies: 1

Wife suffering with OCD and family impact replies: 3

No idea how to proceed... replies: 6

I want to help my wife replies: 5

Trying to fight for our relationship replies: 4

My husband or my children replies: 19

Trying to Support someone who can't and won't accept a situation replies: 3