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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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nic15 Not sure what to do
  • replies: 4

Hi, I have been with my partner for over three years now and we have a young son who is nearly 18 months. When I first met my partner he told me he had had issues with depression and anxiety previously and had experienced a really bad episode. As I h... View more

Hi, I have been with my partner for over three years now and we have a young son who is nearly 18 months. When I first met my partner he told me he had had issues with depression and anxiety previously and had experienced a really bad episode. As I had not come across it before with other partners, I am sorry to say I did not think much of it at the time. However since then we have located permanently to Australia and since then his depression/anxiety has flared up. He stopped medication when he met me which is a compliment however, it does not seem to be beneficial anymore. I would like to understand it more so that I can help him as right now I'm just feeling really frustrated. I am a solutions person so am trying to find someway to help him. He angers very quickly at the smallest of things and spends a great deal of time in bed or not doing a great deal. I feel as though I'm doing a lot of the housework and looking after our son myself and it has been this way for over a year now. I would like to be with him, but I am afraid for the health of our relationship and also our son. I would like to have another child with my partner however, at the moment I do not feel it is the best idea. I feel as though I cannot continue like this however, I also feel that I need to give it a bit more of a chance. As I've said I want to help I just don't know how and if I can. Thanks

Louise_ Fear of disease
  • replies: 11

Hi guys, I am new to this website and forum but need some advise. My partner is dealing with a bad case of OCD or a fear of catching a disease or anything for that matter. He has been in therapy once a week for the past 2-3 months but I feel as thoug... View more

Hi guys, I am new to this website and forum but need some advise. My partner is dealing with a bad case of OCD or a fear of catching a disease or anything for that matter. He has been in therapy once a week for the past 2-3 months but I feel as though he is getting worst. I dont know what to do anymore nor know how to help him. It is becoming so bad that he wont touch me or share any food i handle. We have been in a relationship on and off for 4 years and I feel as though it is getting harder and harder. I loose my patience as I cant understand what goes through his head. Does anyone else have someone who has these fears?

Ella2610 My boyfriend is depressed
  • replies: 8

Hello, i just found out my fiancé is depressed. He tells me he does not enjoy anything anymore. we have been using substances over the weekends for a while now which probably doesn't help. This week he has missed it but I did do it behind his back. W... View more

Hello, i just found out my fiancé is depressed. He tells me he does not enjoy anything anymore. we have been using substances over the weekends for a while now which probably doesn't help. This week he has missed it but I did do it behind his back. When he told me he was depressed , I guess I didn't understand and told him to think about the things he has. He has a good job, a house and finance who loves him. I told him that to think about ppl that are less fortunate than us who don't even have food on the table. He was a little distanced to me today and after digging deep digger he said he was upset at me for how I reacted when he told me he was depressed. Can anyone please shed a light on me on this? Coming from a third world country and where the stress is not knowing where the next meal will be coming from, I find the whole concept of being depressed rally difficult to relate to when you have a nice house, a good job and a loving fiancé. When I think of ppl that are I third world country's barely surviving how can you be depressed? My mentality is to be grateful to what you have. He tells me he knows the signs of depression because in his younger days, he had to get treatment and couldn't even get out of bed. my perspective is if I strip him of everything he has, would he still be then or switch to survival mode. Maybe lose everything first in order to appreciate what you have. Can someone please enlighten me on the issue. Coming from a third world country with nothing at all and my fiancé is depressed when we have everything I find hard to comprehend. Any feedback would be great. Thank you.

pipsy Asperges
  • replies: 3

Hi guys. Does anyone out there know anything about Asperges? Where I work we have an adult male with this illness. I haven't noticed anything, but he was working with another guy who was driving a coach. The person he was with didn't know and he told... View more

Hi guys. Does anyone out there know anything about Asperges? Where I work we have an adult male with this illness. I haven't noticed anything, but he was working with another guy who was driving a coach. The person he was with didn't know and he told me the Asperges sufferer 'twitched', muttered and frightened this other person. How do you look after someone with this problem, what are the signs that he's having these seizures. I presume the chap with the illness is on meds, but don't know enough about it. Can anyone enlighten me.

BC25 Can people with depression love you?
  • replies: 6

I'm feeling quite confused with my partner who has depression and anxiety. We don't live together yet, and after discovering his harmful addictive behaviour six weeks ago, we have gone from seeing each other 5 days a week to just one. I needed this s... View more

I'm feeling quite confused with my partner who has depression and anxiety. We don't live together yet, and after discovering his harmful addictive behaviour six weeks ago, we have gone from seeing each other 5 days a week to just one. I needed this space to begin to heal, and he needs it to heal and process everything going on, and make huge changes like see a therapist and face his demons. He says that the love we have for each other is the driving force for him confronting his issues, and beginning to manage his conditions- without me, he wouldn't be strong enough or have the motivation to do it. He says its rough at the moment, but we need this time apart for our future to be better together, so he can deal with what he needs to deal with for him and for us. His words, not mine. So he is telling me and showing me he loves me, but i find it confusing. Conversely, only seeing each other once a week is his 'limit' at the moment, because he finds it exhausting seeing me- the feelings of guilt and shame over how he treated me arise, and he then has to battle the depressed and anxious thoughts that occur. Having never experienced these conditions myself, I am a bit confused and lonely. If he loves me, why doesn't he want to see me more? Why doesn't he miss me the way I miss him? If he loves me, why doesn't he miss what we used to have more? Aren't couples meant to work together closely through these moments? It feels like we are slowly getting closer, but how can we when we seem so far apart? I probably sound terribly clingy, but we were very close before everything occurred, so it's been a huge shift for me, and it is tough not having the closeness I used to feel from him.

Stafford No more to give.
  • replies: 5

Hi. My husband and I have been married for 30 years. In 2006, he plunged into catatonic depression, and I helped admit him into hospital. He underwent major help sessions for months, included EST, and also did CBT. He's tried most of the anti-depress... View more

Hi. My husband and I have been married for 30 years. In 2006, he plunged into catatonic depression, and I helped admit him into hospital. He underwent major help sessions for months, included EST, and also did CBT. He's tried most of the anti-depressants, but hates the inability to have sex. Me? I think it's the best part.....! He used it as a weapon for so long while he was depressed that my life is easier without it. In the years since this catastrophic first induction, I've tried to maintain a distant support system for him. I find that now - we are in business together - he just basically relies on me to breathe. He depends on sex as a comfort and a perceived need, he arranges our life so he has no part in any decision making, he thinks his mind is broken, as he thinks so diametrically differently to everyone on the planet. He can sulk for the century. One thing he does do, is talks really badly to himself - all the time! I am the only grown up in the family (kids are 21 and 25) and I'm wondering a few things here 1. How do I keep going? I'm bad, I'm bossy, I'm the spendthrift, I'm the one who withholds sex, I'm the one who damages the children, I'm the one who.... Well, you get the idea. 2. How do I bring myself to care for him when he's basically sucked me dry over the last few years? I've got to the stage where I really don't care about what he says or what he does. I don't listen any more because it's just more of the depressed drivel. His negativity is awe-inspiring. I am really worried in a small part of me that I'm not trying hard enough, or that I'm not giving him what he needs - oh wait - I'm not, because none of us know what he needs, do we? Including him. We started in business together again 5 years ago after a break of a few years - doing what he wanted to do. Now he leaves nearly all of the business to me, and just picks the tiny eyes out of it. He says he hates being there, he hates every thing about our business.He wants money out of it. He wants it to succeed. ANd I'm not managing to do that... Can someone please tell me how to keep going? Please? I've talked to people until I'm blue in the face, and they tell ME to be supportive of HIM. Well, guess what....? help. Thank you so much.

jojo05 In need of advice, husband suffering depression
  • replies: 5

My husband and i have been together for 11 years, married for almost 8 years. Like most couples we've had our ups and downs but have always got through them. For as long as I've known him hes always had signs of depression and has had his bad times b... View more

My husband and i have been together for 11 years, married for almost 8 years. Like most couples we've had our ups and downs but have always got through them. For as long as I've known him hes always had signs of depression and has had his bad times but has never gone and spoken to anyone about it he pushes people away so he can deal with things himself, which i respect. Hes work does involve pretty stressful situations which i think gets to him and effects him in ways he doesn't admit to. A couple of month's ago he went through a traumatic situation in his work which really knocked him about and had triggered his depression but instead of getting help with dealing with the situation he left it and went on as normal. Just this last week he has had to go to court over the situation which really made him stressed out and his whole personally had changed, he was getting migrain headachs and was really affected by what he was having to do, i really think this situation had brought back his depression but because he doesn't talk about it he builds up and get worst and he has really went down hill. I like to try to help him but everytime i try he gets mad at me and we fight so i leave it for him to deal with, well this time i regret even trying to help because things have really gone terribly bad, which is where im hoping some advice will help me understand what he is going through. He has turned around to me, completely out of the blue, and has said he doesn't love me anymore, i was totally shocked because there hasn't been any signs of anything wrong, we always tell each other how much we love each, ect, so i didnt understand why he was saying that. When i did ask he tells me he doesn't know why, he cant explain why, he feels empty and very low on himself, he has really seeped into his depression worst then i have seen. I try to talk to him about it but all he is saying is he has lost love for me and he doesn't think those feelings will come back. Each time i try to talk to him i get upset and frustrated because all i want to do get answers but he doesnt have them for me. He has said things that i find hard to understand but i think maybe its the depression talking, he has said he needs space to think about whats going on but is saying he doesn't know if things will change. I've excepted that he wants the space because i know he needs time to process whats happining. I just want to understand what hes going thru. ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​ ​

Emy What should we expect from the mental health system and what should we expect from those suffering with mental illness
  • replies: 11

Hi, I am the primary carer for my boyfriend of two years who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (cluster b), bipolar, depression and the resulting anxiety. Diagnosis have come and gone over the years as have his treating psychiatrists in th... View more

Hi, I am the primary carer for my boyfriend of two years who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (cluster b), bipolar, depression and the resulting anxiety. Diagnosis have come and gone over the years as have his treating psychiatrists in the public system. I would like to explore the following questions and am interested in the thoughts of forum goers: What obligations does/should the mental health system (governments, society, medical professionals, support services) have towards people with severe mental health issues that prevent them from engaging with assistance of their own accord? What should we expect from our loved ones with severe mental health issues in terms of commitment to improving their quality of life? Some context...Engagement with any service (support, professional etc.) relies (to some extent) on the ability and commitment of the mentally ill person to engage. My partner is committed to improving his quality of life but the very nature of his illness somewhat circumvents his ability to actively do so. This often means that he is discharged from health and support services, ultimately for a failure to consistently engage. For a long time I was of the opinion that "I can lead the horse to the water, but I can't make it drink". Having witnessed first hand just how challenging it is for him, I am left questioning how reasonable it is to expect someone to do something that they are programmed to be incapable of doing; are we setting these people up to fail? What is the solution? I have even tried to get him connected with private psychiatrists thinking that surely the service would be more personal and engaging. Four private psychiatrists to date have declined to take him on as a patient. Too hard? Selective? Who knows...? He is committed in principle to recovery but for whatever reason his will is overpowered by the symptoms of his illnesses.I am fully aware that I cannot do it for him, but where is the line drawn between self help and intervention to save a human life?

BC25 New and a bit lost...
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone. Recently I discovered my boyfriend of 2.5 years has depression and anxiety. It all came to a head when I discovered the extent of his addictive behaviour, which was destroying our relationship. He immediately sought counselling, where hi... View more

Hi everyone. Recently I discovered my boyfriend of 2.5 years has depression and anxiety. It all came to a head when I discovered the extent of his addictive behaviour, which was destroying our relationship. He immediately sought counselling, where his therapist mentioned the addictive behaviour being a coping mechanism for depression and anxiety. I feel so blind sided! How could I have been with someone so long and loved him so much and not even known how much he was struggling?? He has been continuing counselling which is making a large difference, and we both feel he is facing his demons. I am so proud of his hard work and dedication, but sometimes I feel very shut out and alone. It is just little things- if he is having a tough day, when we talk on his break at work, he is unresponsive and seems uninterested in my day. From what I can understand, that is like me asking someone who feels like they are drowning to show interest in my ordinary day at work, but nonetheless it can feel very lonely. Then there are other small things- if he does't feel his phone vibrate while he is at work, he starts thinking I don't love him and am angry and going to leave him, even if i have actually messaged him but he just hasn't felt his phone. I felt a bit overwhelmed hearing that- what am I meant to do to help him feel supported and loved? I understand this is distorted thinking on his behalf, and comes with the conditions, but it feels a bit exhausting to me. In summary, from what I have read/advice I have received from friends with depression, the best thing to do is just show him lots of love. Kind words, affection, and support. But is it wrong to feel a bit exhausted from continually doing this, and not always getting much back? He is going through one of the biggest events in his life right now, facing demons which have lay hidden for at least half of his life, but I'm not sure what I should expect back from him? I'm not a robot, and I still need affection and warmth and love too. Prior to this, we were extraordinarily affectionate with each other so I'm feeling a bit stranded. This is all a bit vague, so sorry about that! I am just hoping to get a bit of an idea of what I should expect from him right now, and perhaps advice on how to be supportive and loving.

Tired_and_despairing Am I harming our kids by staying with him?
  • replies: 12

Hi My partner and I have been together for 15 years. We have 2 kids aged 9 and 12. My partner has suffered from chronic depression since the birth of our youngest child. It's been a roller coaster ride for all this time. He's been on six different me... View more

Hi My partner and I have been together for 15 years. We have 2 kids aged 9 and 12. My partner has suffered from chronic depression since the birth of our youngest child. It's been a roller coaster ride for all this time. He's been on six different medications during this time, (all for decent periods of time), seen several different counsellors with varying responses. He's worked intermittently due to his ability to focus or just get out of bed. The isolation for myself and the kids is immense with a few of his friends knowing about his diagnosis, but if I'm honest they don't really know what to do so avoid us rather than offer to help. Our families all live overseas so no option there. I've been living the life of a single parent with an extra worry of him at home as well so I house keep, work, kid mind and dog walk so no real friends. Our kids know that daddy has depression and tends to stay in his man cave when he's at his lowest. He states that he doesn't care or even like the kids (especially our youngest who he sub-consciously blames for his depression) or the dog- hasn't mentioned me, but sure he thinks it. Our youngest has mild anxiety I'm sure as a result of the tension around the house. Today is a bad day. I'm struggling with the thought of is it worse to stay as a family with the stress on me and the kids, or leave and gave the kids and I stress about him all the time? Spending most of today in tears and wondering if this will ever improve- our lives seem on hold, and am I doing more harm to the kids than good? some advice would be appreciated, even though I'm aware that I'm just venting a little as its a bad day thanks in advance