Fear of disease

[Louise_]

Hi guys, 

I am new to this website and forum but need some advise. My partner is dealing with a bad case of OCD or a fear of catching a disease or anything for that matter. He has been in therapy once a week for the past 2-3 months but I feel as though he is getting worst. I dont know what to do anymore nor know how to help him. It is becoming so bad that he wont touch me or share any food i handle. We have been in a relationship on and off for 4 years and I feel as though it is getting harder and harder. I loose my patience as I cant understand what goes through his head. Does anyone else have someone who has these fears? 

[Dwwmills]

Hello Louise.

My daughter had OCD about 10 years ago when she was eight. Contamination
fears and hand washing. My daughter thought that she would become seriously ill
or die, or possibly make one of her family ill if she touched or came in
contact with certain things. It’s very scary for them and they have no sense of
the real possibilities of contacting a particular disease. It’s very scary for
them and they can’t make a decision about what their mind tells them is true or
not.

When we realised what was happening we saw a psychologist
and a psychiatrist. She was put on two different types of medication and
overnight her symptoms were much better. Psychologists used a procedure called
exposure and response therapy. This exposes the person to one of their fears in
a controlled way and the response (in this case hand washing) is prevented from
happening. Over time the person learns that being exposed to this particular
threat does not pose such a threat as they thought and this reduces the
anxiety. I like to stress though that this needs to be done by a qualified
health practitioner e.g. psychologist, or the situation can be made worse.

My daughter was on the medication for about 12 months and it
took at least a couple of months for her to get to OCD under control.

It was frightening for us as parents to see our daughter
going through this as we had not had any direct contact with mental illness
before. I think treating a child with this in some way is easier because as
parents she trusted us and we had control over whether she sought treatment or
not. It was very stressful at the time but it worked out all right in the long
run.

Unfortunately you cannot do the work for your partner you
can only support to a certain degree but they need to engage and do the work
themselves. It is not uncommon for people with OCD to hide the OCD from their
loved ones and from the health professionals. If you really believe that if you
are going to do something it will kill you it is no wonder they are resistant.
It takes a very good medical team to tackle this.

I wish you the best.

[Zeal]

Hi Louise,

Dwwmills has given you some great advice and info. I have had OCD (specifically, a fear of germs, viruses and vomit) since I was 13. It is much milder now, and I manage it with an SSRI medication (I have a serotonin deficiency too), strong bonds with family and friends, and getting enough sleep.

OCD is extremely tough on the sufferer, but is also hard on loved ones too. My parents found it emotionally difficult, and my Dad tried to reason with me when I was doing compulsive behaviours like constant hand-washing, but this doesn't (and didn't) help. Keep encouraging your partner to continue with therapy. I know it's a clique, but sometimes things do get a bit worse before they improve. Don't be discouraged by small relapses and flare-ups. During times of stress, OCD behaviours can worsen.

What helped me get through the years of my OCD when it was moderate to severe, was knowing that my parents would love and support me no matter what. Tell your partner you love him regularly (if you already do this, that's awesome), try to do fun activities together when you can (and when his condition permits), and remember that your partner not wanting to touch you or share your food is not a reflection on you. It is caused by persistent irrational fear that is really hard to control.

I hope you and your partner get through this challenging period. Several years ago I would not share food or saliva with anyone, and now I can kiss my boyfriend and share food with him, with very little worry. Occasionally OCD thoughts arise, but I can control them. I find love and affection can often overshadow my OCD. If your partner improves and his condition becomes milder and more manageable, maybe this could happen for you two.

Best wishes,

SM

[Louise_]

Hi SM and Dwwimills, 

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and offer your advise. It immediately made me feel better. As mentioned I feel as though things are getting worst, however with your advise I will certainly do what I can to continue to offer my support.

I guess the only thing I fear is that things will get worst, or stay at this level and I am not sure if this is the life I can live, as I find it very stressful and find myself feeling unhappy and stressed. 

I don't think that medication is something he will take as he has already mentioned he is not keen on this. My worst fear and the guilt I feel inside is having to move on from this relationship due to the situation, and what a horrible feeling this leaves me because I know it is not his fault for this illness and how horrible it would be for him knowing that we ended due to it. It's a feeling of guilt that I have. But I know that I cant live my life always trying to get him to a better place.

This is something my friends and family can't understand of course because they want the best for me and they can see my unhappiness and stress as I am just spending my time trying to make things better for him. 

[geoff]

dear Louise, the ramifications of having OCD are very strong, and will make our lives to be 'out of sorts' to how other people without OCD behave, but I understand how difficult it could be for those trying to work out why on earth we do these repetitive rituals and/or habits, and then believe that we could quite easily stop doing them, but it's virtually impossible, although we are able to cut down on doing them, but that's a decision only the person with OCD can decide on, and no one else.

The more OCD sufferers are criticised or made fun of the worse it will get, and the more pressure put onto them to stop, then the situation becomes hopeless.

Can I give you an analogy to this, what if you are addicted to chocolate, and there's one bit left sitting on the coffee table, then what are going to do, let someone else eat it, or your desire is so strong that you have to eat it.

Well OCD runs along the same principle, we have to do what ritual/habit needs to be done, just to satisfy our mind and there is no compromise what so ever.

I have struggled with this illness for 56 years, but has happened is that my rituals and habits have changed over time, so I drop one but then another one comes along. Geoff. x

[Louise_]

Hi Geoff, 

Thank you so much for your response. 

May I ask you a question, are you or have you been in a relationship during this time? And if so, what advise can you offer from the help you have received. Is there anything else I can do to help, as I feel like I am making things worst for my partner. I guess from time to time, I am adding pressure on him to get better and I don't know what else I can do. 

[geoff]

dear Louise, thanks, well I had it at a young age 5 or 6 but I didn't know what it was called, let alone I had to do it, and my Dad was a GP and he didn't even mention it.

By the time I got married I had learnt on how to hide it, so nobody could see what I was doing.

The only reason I knew it's name was because my eldest son was doing it excessively, so we took him to see a child psychologist who called it OCD, then I knew that I had this illness as well.

Can you google 'OCD' and there will an enormous amount of information on it, plus if you click onto 'Resources' at the top of this page and 'order all the printed material' from BB, it's all free but it a great deal on depression and this includes OCD.

The only advice I can give you is to understand what it is all about, and whether or not you can accept what he is doing, but can I remind you as time progress's there's a chance that he will do another habit which isn't so intrusive on how you think.

If I met someone and at my age of 61 probably not, but if it did happen they wouldn't even know that I had OCD, because I would hide it, and that's something which you could tell your partner on how to achieve doing this. Geoff. x

[Dwwmills]

Hello Louise.

I think you’re wise to be assessing your choices here.
Ultimately you cannot do anything to help your boyfriend. It is really up to
him how he deals with it or not. You can be supportive up to a point but at
some stage you have to look at how it affects you and whether you want to deal
with this for the rest of your life.

I have generalised anxiety disorder and from my experience
the best thing my wife did for me was to stop trying to help me. Through a
psychologist it was pointed out to us that it was my problem and I was the only
one that could deal with it. I resisted taking medication for years. The
resistance was based on many things. I thought it may change who I am, I was
scared about the long-term effects and if it worked it meant I had to tackle a
lot of issues that I had been avoiding for years. If I’m honest I think having
to tackle issues that I had been avoiding was the biggest fear. In the end the
medication worked wonders along with cognitive-based therapy.

It took my wife threatening to leave me before I tackled the
anxiety. Two years later my anxiety is under control I’ve been on and off
medication and life is much much better. I’m ashamed that I didn’t do this
years ago.

It parallels what I’ve seen with my daughter and her OCD. I
really don’t know how she had the courage to tackle beliefs and challenge them
when she thought that by doing so she could possibly die. Every time I think
back at what she did, I’m in awe of what a gutsy effort it was.

Sorry Geoff but I don’t agree with your chocolate analogy.
The chocolate is on the table but no one is forcing them to eat it. If someone
forced it down their throat, yes, but no one did. People who break their addictions
eventually do this by not giving in to the urge. The mindset that they are
addicted and have no choice but to eat the chocolate is what helps keeps them
in the addiction.

Louise, think long and hard about what your choices are from
here. You’ll get advice about whether it’s the right thing to stay or go but
you are the one that lives with the consequences and you have to be happy with your
choice.

Good luck

[Bluey_moon]

I feel for you Louise, while I techically don't have OCD I do have obsessional thinking and I know the strain it can put on a relationship! 

My fear is I'm going crazy or paranoid! I obsessively think about it! 

Geoff also a question for you, in your vast experience with Ocd can obbsessive thoughts feel a bit like paranoia? I can nearly convince myself of certain ridicoulous things like I'm being watched, even though I know it's stupid. 

[Louise_]

Again thank you so much for your advise and experience. 

As previously mentioned, we have been on and off during our 4 year relationship due to these concerns he has. He has progressed because he is now with a physiotherapist and he believes that she is helping. He has had some issues at work recently and I think that this stress has triggered his OCD. 

 I plan on giving things a time frame, a few months and see how the progression comes along, and also time to see how I feel after this time. 

The last thing I want to do is separate from him, but I fear that I am not helping him with my pressure of normal things I want out of life. A family, a house and holidays. I am on hold until he is in a better place, and after 4 years of trying to get through this, I have to be a little selfish soon. 

 It is a horrible feeling. I just pray that he wants to get out of this and can enjoy a happy carefree life.