Can people with depression love you?

[BC25]

I'm feeling quite confused with my partner who has depression and anxiety. We don't live together yet, and after discovering his harmful addictive behaviour six weeks ago, we have gone from seeing each other 5 days a week to just one. I needed this space to begin to heal, and he needs it to heal and process everything going on, and make huge changes like see a therapist and face his demons. 

He says that the love we have for each other is the driving force for him confronting his issues, and beginning to manage his conditions- without me, he wouldn't be strong enough or have the motivation to do it. He says its rough at the moment, but we need this time apart for our future to be better together, so he can deal with what he needs to deal with for him and for us. His words, not mine. So he is telling me and showing me he loves me, but i find it confusing. Conversely, only seeing each other once a week is his 'limit' at the moment, because he finds it exhausting seeing me- the feelings of guilt and shame over how he treated me arise, and he then has to battle the depressed and anxious thoughts that occur. 

Having never experienced these conditions myself, I am a bit confused and lonely. If he loves me, why doesn't he want to see me more? Why doesn't he miss me the way I miss him? If he loves me, why doesn't he miss what we used to have more? Aren't couples meant to work together closely through these moments? It feels like we are slowly getting closer, but how can we when we seem so far apart? I probably sound terribly clingy, but we were very close before everything occurred, so it's been a huge shift for me, and it is tough not having the closeness I used to feel from him. 

[IAMTHAT_IAM]

Hi BC25

I can't really comment on the relation stuff but I do suffer from depression and anxiety and have dealt with people I love in very weird ways. Lets face it were not thinking straight! I told my partner once when she asked me why this and why that? I said that at the moment I really don't care about anything, when anxiety hits its like you are right on the edge from dying. Imagine if you thought you were dying and that reality just hit, you are so irrational, you are erratic - I once stormed the ER and demanded to see me now and after tests, blood work, scans and urine tests coz they thought I was on ice they went ahhhh, they pulled me aside and said you had an anxiety attack! You really don't see the clear rational stuff right infant of you, its not that you don't love the people in your life to bits its just not your concern, and this feeling can go on for days, weeks and your every move is to do something to combat an attack coming on again. I once thought that drinking water was a good thing to stop it, but then realised I was drinking too much water everyday, some people eat, some people feel it coming on and other don't. This is a terrible feeling and it affects everyone differently.

So I think he does love you as much as you him, he may more but the things going on with depression and anxiety do not make it rational. I once had a girl friend who was amazing, supportive and the best thing ever but during an anxiety attack I bored a plane and moved interstate because she told me off about something????? Why? I don't know, then shame kicks in you feel like a dick and its harder to go back! This stuff doesn't make sense BC25, everyones different and it takes time to fix and with the right help professional you can dream again!

Hope this helps?

Thanks Az

[geoff]

dear BC, this is a question which would go through the minds of many people, and it's a very important one.

One concern I do have is about his 'harmful addict

[pipsy]

Hi BC25.  You say you only see each other once a week, do you speak on the phone?  Maybe you could suggest phoning each other, just to 'touch base'.  Perhaps email.  Perhaps he is not a strong person emotionally.  If that is the case and he is fighting 'demons' of his own, once a week would be as much as he could handle.  As Geoff says his 'addiction' is a worry too.  I would mention about phoning or emailing, if he makes excuses 'why not', perhaps suggest that you 'cool it' altogether.  Maybe he's feeling guilty over the way he's treated you in the past.  If you suggest 'cooling it', this could be what he actually wants, but doesn't know how to say it.  If he's genuine, the minute you suggest a 'cooling off' period, this will 'make or break'.  I realize you love him, I'm wondering if he does love you.  I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm concerned you're in for heartbreak and I'm trying (in my own dumb way) to perhaps prepare you for whatever happens.

I wish you all the luck with him.

[BC25]

Thank you everyone for your replies. It has helped get an idea of what people with anxiety feel and go through. 

When I say 'harmful' addictive behaviour, I mean harmful to our relationship. He has never been violent, or used alcohol or drugs to cope with his conditions. The addiction is not a 'mainstream' drugs or alcohol addiction, and it is one he is working through with the help of a therapist. 

We text as often as we can during the day, and FaceTime when his work schedule allows. I know he definitely doesn't want us to separate- he has said that to me many times, and never makes excuses not to text/phone/facetime, in fact he usually initiates the conversations. 

I guess I was more wondering how there can be any space in the mind of a person with these conditions to even love someone? It sounds like batting a war in your mind, so how can there be any time or energy left over?

[pipsy]

Hi BC.  It seems that he's doing his best to 'fight' his demons so that he can continue to keep his relationship going.  I would say you're the only stable thing in his 'battle of the mind'.  Yes, it sounds like there's definitely a battle going on.  He's determined to build a future with you, but he does need space to 'recharge' the batteries.  It's incredible how determined he is to win the battle, but as I said he needs space.  Work with him, keep letting him know you're there, give him the encouragement.  With you in his life, how can he lose?

Good luck and God's speed to both of you.

[BC25]

Thank you for your response Pipsy- 'recharging the batteries' is exactly how i need to think of it! Thank you and it is so wonderful to have patient and understanding people in this wonderful forum. 

 xx