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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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rplhampton Struggling
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone, I am new to the forum. I am living with a partner who is suffering severe depression and anxiety and I am in despair about how to help him and to not drown myself. Any tips would be greatly appreciated. He has tried many different medica... View more

Hi everyone, I am new to the forum. I am living with a partner who is suffering severe depression and anxiety and I am in despair about how to help him and to not drown myself. Any tips would be greatly appreciated. He has tried many different medications but has not really stuck with any of them long enough to see if they work due to side effects. I have suggested various things to try like seeing a new doctor or seeking alternative therapies such as acupuncture but he gets angry so I am at the point where I do not even know what to say anymore as everything seems to be a trigger for his anger.

Lost___frustrated Where do I go from here
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone. New on here and I'm feeling lost with life. I am a single mother of two teenage children divorced for 3 years. I have recently lost both parents in a 6 weeks time frame and I know I'm still grieving for their loss. I have suffered from d... View more

Hi everyone. New on here and I'm feeling lost with life. I am a single mother of two teenage children divorced for 3 years. I have recently lost both parents in a 6 weeks time frame and I know I'm still grieving for their loss. I have suffered from depression for years on and off. My biggest problem at the moment is my son. He is 17 years old and has very low self esteem, no confidence has anxiety issues and point blank tells me he has played every counsellor he has spoken to by telling them what they want to hear. He is addicted to the Internet gaming world, it basically rules his life. He is supposed to be at TAFE completing a certificate 3 in IT this is his second go at it and I know he's going to fail again because of lack of attendance. I've tried playing hard ball, taking internet away and end up being verbally abused and damage is done to walls and anything else he can kick or hit. Do any of you know about any sought of intervention? He will not go and talk to anyone, just abuses his sister and myself. Thank you

daisyzoe Suddenly Depressed Boyfriend
  • replies: 2

So as of sunday this week, my boyfriend has very suddenly withdrawn completely & wouldn't speak to me for a few days. he describe this withdrawal to me as feeling sick in the pit of his stomach and constantly this heavy feeling in his chest. everythi... View more

So as of sunday this week, my boyfriend has very suddenly withdrawn completely & wouldn't speak to me for a few days. he describe this withdrawal to me as feeling sick in the pit of his stomach and constantly this heavy feeling in his chest. everything was an effort for him, including speaking to me which is very out of character. as soon as he described his symptoms, i automatically linked this to anxiety/depression. He is 25 next year and i think he is experiencing a lot of anxiety and pressure about his future, i.e. career, buying a house etc. from his own personal expectations. i saw him this evening and he arrived at my house and immediately i noticed his lack of energy. he ended up falling asleep next to me for an hour and then when he was awake, we didnt say a word. i could definitely notice a sense of emptiness, exhaustion and numbness in him and he then went home as he didnt want to 'annoy me with his bad mood' (i reassured him i understood the situation and if he wanted his space/to feel comfortable then he should). so my question is, what do i do to support him? im really concerned as i have never seen him in such a deep depressive state. i reassured him that i love him, i will give him all the space he needs and im always here for him, but im feeling really uneasy about the situation and want to help and support him as much as possible. Advice please?

awolf update on life with depressed husband
  • replies: 4

So, I wrote to you lovely people about a week ago and wanted to give an update. I am still unable to get fully over all of the lies and issues even though my husband is ready to move on. He doesnt want me to try and get him to talk to me about the pa... View more

So, I wrote to you lovely people about a week ago and wanted to give an update. I am still unable to get fully over all of the lies and issues even though my husband is ready to move on. He doesnt want me to try and get him to talk to me about the past issues that JUST OCCURED and doesnt even want me bringing it up. I do not want to be a crazy wife and snoop through his stuff. He is constantly putting himself down saying that he is "an awful husband" and although he is making an effort to talk to me about his thoughts and feelings, I am very concerned that he will go back to normal and keep them from me. Today I told him that I know he loves me and our son. That I am so in love with him as well but that if he didnt want this, to be with me anymore, then I would still be his family and help him and make sure he gets what he needs. He got upset and started getting angry and yelled at me saying that people dont say things like that and I should never say it again. I told him I need more verbal reassurance from him, telling me he loves and and is happy and he said he just isnt that type of person and doesnt operate like that. He said if I leave he will not be able to handle it and started speaking threateningly. I am so lost. I am so on the fence. 50% of me is willing to put up with taking care of everything and putting my emotions on the back burner while he is trying to figure things out but the other 50% of me wants to leave and start living my own life before our 1 yr old knows the difference. Is this worth staying around?

Zhamay Newbie here. Anxious mum with anxious kids!
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone. I hope this post goes through. I tried a few weeks ago but my internet is terrible at the moment! I have just started getting help for anxiety and depression, including social anxiety, which I have suffered from pretty much all my life b... View more

Hi everyone. I hope this post goes through. I tried a few weeks ago but my internet is terrible at the moment! I have just started getting help for anxiety and depression, including social anxiety, which I have suffered from pretty much all my life but only recently decided that it was time to get help for. It has all come out over the last few years as my children both have social anxiety issues and my daughter also has general anxiety as well and the more I learned about their conditions the more I realised what was going on with me and how much it has affected my whole life. It has been very important for me to get myself sorted out so that I can be there in the best possible way for my kids. at the moment my anxiety levels are very high as we are selling house and have been dealing with some very difficult buyers. I just want it all to be over! My job is also very busy and stressful at the moment and then I don't relax much at home because my little girl is really on edge lately. Anyway, I hope to try and get on here as much as I can and get to know some of you. It is really good to know that there are other people out there going through the same kind of problems as me xx

Sparkle_Joy Advice needed regarding depressed ex/friend
  • replies: 2

The guy who I've been seeing for the past 6 months has recently told me that he needs time to sort himself out. He told me that he does like me and cares about me but if he's not 100% then he cannot treat me or us as 100%. We've gone from speaking ab... View more

The guy who I've been seeing for the past 6 months has recently told me that he needs time to sort himself out. He told me that he does like me and cares about me but if he's not 100% then he cannot treat me or us as 100%. We've gone from speaking about everything little thing every single day to barely speaking at all over the period of 1-2 months. We caught up a couple of weeks ago but I feel like it was only because it suited him. Every time I've tried to make the effort to catch up he hasn't wanted to see me. He's recently told me that he's been feeling down and thinking of going to see a doctor to at least get blood tests done which to me is a great start. I want to be there to support him...even if it is just as a friend. But at the same time I myself have had an ongoing issue with anxiety and depression so I don't want him pushing me away to be a detriment on my own health. I have explained this to him but am struggling to get an actual answer. I'd hate to lose him all together so any advice would be greatly appreciated

Fishman At a complete loss
  • replies: 3

My partner has always shown what I would consider to be symptoms of depression and I know her family has a history of it. Like all couples we have our ups and downs but again like most couples we work out our differences. In July this year I was diag... View more

My partner has always shown what I would consider to be symptoms of depression and I know her family has a history of it. Like all couples we have our ups and downs but again like most couples we work out our differences. In July this year I was diagnosed with breast cancer, if have had a mastectomy and am now undergoing the follow up treatment. Prognosis is very positive. This however seems to have pushed my partner deeper into her depression. She is not an unhappy person but it appears everything that I do has an alterior motive and she has now told me that for the entirety of our relationship I have been controlling and taken away her independence and she wants to move on and live because life is too short ( something I am well aware of). There is no negotiation her decision is made even down to the fact she is now looking for somewhere else to live however I have convinced her that I need her by my side at least until I finish my treatment. She has agreed to this as she loves me like family however no longer wants to live as my partner. We currently work together and I am her manager but she see no reason as to why after our separation that can not continue. As you can imagine I have enough challenges facing me at the moment and trying to support and help someone that is completely dillusional is just another character building challenge. Part of me tells me to walk away and look after my own health but the other half tells me to stand up and do what I can to not only save our relationship but most importantly help with her issues . I have delayed telling my family and friends as I know that their opinions and feelings about us splitting at this time would push her further away and worsen her depression I advised her of this and she told me she didn't care what people thought they didn't know how she feels I should be sitting of the corner of the room rocking but I'm doing ok but I would appreciate any advice as I do not really have anyone that I would feel comfortable disuccing this with

Concerned_ex-girlfriend Concerned ex-girlfriend - how can I reach out & support my ex?
  • replies: 2

I had been seeing my boyfriend for just over two months, although things had moved quite quickly as we were friends before we got together. Things were great, and we were both the happiest we had been in a long time, but it all ended suddenly. At the... View more

I had been seeing my boyfriend for just over two months, although things had moved quite quickly as we were friends before we got together. Things were great, and we were both the happiest we had been in a long time, but it all ended suddenly. At the time I tried to be patient but did act out of frustration and anger after a period of silence and limited answers. After processing everything and reading posts here, I now think he may suffer from depression and has low self esteem, although he seems to hide it quite well socially. I have since offered my support and told him that I forgive him (however in my initial reaction I told him how much he had hurt and embarrassed me etc and I really regret saying all of those things!) I should mention that he had previously been engaged and it ended when he discovered that she was cheating on him. It was a messy break-up and was probably only about a year ago, so I can understand that this might be all a bit too soon. I would really like some advice as to what to do next. I don't want to quit on him or for him to think that I have, because I really care about him. I am happy to be just his friend if that's what he needs. I am also not sure what his family may be doing to support him. So I feel like I should reach out again. However, I also understand that it is import to give him space. I haven't sent him a message in over a week (and we used to speak almost everyday). Do I give him more time?? My next question is how should I reach out? A friend of mine suggested sending him something light (funny video or something) that might make him laugh, whilst letting him know I am thinking of him, as she said asking how he is and saying that I miss him may make him feel guilty and put pressure on him because he can't be who I would like him to be. But I would also like to try and get the communication going again which may not be achieved with this message. I am also conscious that we haven't spoken about the possibility of him suffering from depression, and as I haven't seen him around, he may be acting fine and the 'are you ok' stuff, might be offensive to him.... Any suggestions would be very welcome!

Helena92 New to forums - My husband recently diagnosed with depression says he no longer loves me
  • replies: 9

Hi My husband has recently been diagnosed with depression he says a major issue for him is he is not happy and thinks it is because he in not in love with me. He says he loves me and I am his best friend and we have a good intimate relationship. This... View more

Hi My husband has recently been diagnosed with depression he says a major issue for him is he is not happy and thinks it is because he in not in love with me. He says he loves me and I am his best friend and we have a good intimate relationship. This to me came out of the blue. I new he seemed low some times he would come home and go straight to bed and hadnt been interested in spending time with me and kids for a while. I put this down to his job (he works as funeral assistant and attends accidents, and has seen many traumatic scenes as you might imagine, he has been working in this job for 15yrs. I find it very hard to cope, he hardly goes to work, and still seems keen to move out. But he hasnt yet as he cant make up his mind what to do. I am hanging in there on the off chance we can work it out as we have two young kids. I also feel his family blames me for his depression, and think his depression should be sorted out by now. Also he does sometimes have days where he will do renovating around house and not sleep at all for a couple of days is this normal for people suffering from depression. Thanks

Chris_B Forums etiquette: give support to receive support
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, particularly any new members who may be reading. From time to time, we get contacted by members who are unhappy that they haven’t received a lot of replies to their posts. Our community champions work very hard to make sure that all newb... View more

Hi everyone, particularly any new members who may be reading. From time to time, we get contacted by members who are unhappy that they haven’t received a lot of replies to their posts. Our community champions work very hard to make sure that all newbies are welcomed when they first post, and we understand that it’s a big step to post for the first time on a forum like this, especially if you aren’t feeling great. It’s important to remember, though, that these forums are a community of real people, just like you, not a one-on-one support environment like going to see your psychologist. To get the best out of being here, one of the best tips we can offer is give support to receive support. Being a good community member means: participating in different threads (not just your own), replying to people who have taken the time to reply to you (even if it’s just to say thank you), and... posting words of emotional support and encouragement when you see others who are hurting and reaching out. You don’t have to feel obliged to solve the problems of others: that’s not what we’re here for. But you can offer empathy and what you’ve learned from your own life experiences, even if it’s just a line or two, eg. “I don't know what to say, but I want to give you my support and tell you I care about what is happening to you and hope life will get better soon.” Try to develop an interest in the journeys of others here on the forums. You may be surprised at how good being an active, caring member here can make you feel. For those of you who have had good experiences giving support here on the forums, please post in this thread here and let us know how it has helped you on your journey.