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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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en03 How to help my boyfriend with depression, anxiety and ocd.
  • replies: 9

Hi there, I have been dating my boyfriend for nearly 9 months now. Right from the start he has been dealing with the above mental illnesses, and I also have a history with depression & anxiety. These last 9 months have been the fantastic, but it has ... View more

Hi there, I have been dating my boyfriend for nearly 9 months now. Right from the start he has been dealing with the above mental illnesses, and I also have a history with depression & anxiety. These last 9 months have been the fantastic, but it has also been hard. We had a huge argument last night and we are both done with each other. He is just simply sick & tired of how he feels all the time, and I am tired of arguing with him. our arguments are just over silly things, I know I should not argue with him because I know that makes him feel worse, but I am out of ideas to help him. I have written letters for him to open for when he feels certain things (upset, wants to cry, he needs love etc), and he's told me they have helped. But sometimes I say things I shouldn't say. I feel like I'm the problem, and I'm making him worse. All I want is for him to be happy, and I'm doing everything I can to help him get there. He does seek professional help, but I just need advice on how I can help him and become a better, more supportive girlfriend. Kind regards.

Hypatia Crappy day - could use cheering up
  • replies: 6

So, this morning has been a marathon and I'm feeling particularly crappy. After a good weekend, my partner had terrible insomnia this morning, woke up very low and increasingly anxious. After an hour sleep in, and cuddles, I coaxed him into the showe... View more

So, this morning has been a marathon and I'm feeling particularly crappy. After a good weekend, my partner had terrible insomnia this morning, woke up very low and increasingly anxious. After an hour sleep in, and cuddles, I coaxed him into the shower, but getting to work this morning was too big an ask. He drove me to work, then was going home to see how he feels. I'm worried he's going to sleep all day, and then not again tonight and repeat the pattern. I'm also desperately worried about his capacity to keep this job, and work full-time. He's run out of sick leave, and is now using annual leave, but that will also run out soon. I keep trying to work out how to rebalance the budget with him working part-time, but it is hard and I'm terrified of both going under financially and placing pressure on him to work when he can't, by telling him about the money pressure. I'm also desperately worried about the effect on him if he can't work. He is liked and well-respected at work, and while he finds it stressful and frustrating, he takes pride in his achievements and has strong affection for his coworkers. That disappearing would be awful. But his pattern of attendance at the moment is so spotty, I can't see it not becoming an issue. So I spend an hour trying to get him to get to work, then make myself late. And my job is bananas - I can't keep working the kind of short days I have been since the depression worsened a couple of months ago. And when I'm at work, I can't concentrate properly. By the time I get in, there is a queue of people wanting stuff, and I'm trying to work through it all, but I'm desperately worried, and stressed and all I want to do is crawl up under my desk and cry. But of course, we need my income more than ever right now, so I have to work out how to pull it together, focus and be there. I mostly have no idea how to handle the mornings - should I be trying to get him to go to work? When does offering help become pushing to go? He has terrible self esteem when he goes down, so it is very easy for even gentle suggestions to end up making him feel miserable and useless for feeling miserable. But honestly, I don't think it is good for him to be at home too much. Could use some advice, support. This gig is really hard sometimes

Zoe22 When to let go of a loved one struggling with depression?
  • replies: 4

I've had a rocky relationship with an ex (Jim) for 2 years. In my heart, I think he's the love of my life. It's hard to admit my gut may be off. That's why this so emotionally draining. We dated for 2 years before he withdrew. I knew he loved me by h... View more

I've had a rocky relationship with an ex (Jim) for 2 years. In my heart, I think he's the love of my life. It's hard to admit my gut may be off. That's why this so emotionally draining. We dated for 2 years before he withdrew. I knew he loved me by how he treated me. Anyway, to make a longer story shorter he moved for a job and we tried long distance. It was HIS idea. Long distance was harder than both of us thought. We took a break but talked daily. Then slowly he withdrew. I felt mad and sent him an e-mail pouring my heart out. Never got a response. It was stone silent for 10 MONTHS with only 1 message from him 3 months in saying let's talk soon. When I responded, NOTHING. It was bizarre. I reached out to him monthly because I was confused, hurt, and upset. A back story-Jim's been through a lot-his mom died when he was 19. His dad had a hard time coping. Whenever I saw his dad, he drank alcohol and worked excessively to numb his pain. I think Jim started to do that too. Working crazy hours at a hospital in the ICU. After a lot of crying, I got a message after 10 months. He said he was in a really dark place. I mentioned having him talk to someone but he said he was fine. Eventually, he moved to his hometown (far from me). We started talking again everyday. I let him in again. He hinted about us dating. I went to visit him. In my head, I thought we were kinda dating. He said he's loved me for some time. I told him I'd move to make it work. Jim said he needed time to think. He got distant again and said it was too much with school (he started attending a 3 year grad program) in August. That he couldn't give me what I needed but wanted me in his life. Mixed emotions. I feel trapped. I want to wait for him but get upset because we've been off and on for 2 years. I told him he's not treating me nicely. I feel guilty because I don't want to lower his self esteem. Now he's not responding. It's like when I get too close, he gets overwhelmed and withdraws. Like he can't deal with emotion. I worry he's going to be a workaholic and keep numbing his feelings. I feel lost. I want him in my life but it's hard when the relationship is rocky. I want to have a family. I feel like if I keep doing this and he keeps acting this way, it might pass me by. It's hard. I don't want to give up on him or not be there for him. He told me I was too good for him. I don't want him to feel low. I want him to talk and work it out. Any advice? Is it time to give up? How do you cope?

rplhampton Struggling
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone, I am new to the forum. I am living with a partner who is suffering severe depression and anxiety and I am in despair about how to help him and to not drown myself. Any tips would be greatly appreciated. He has tried many different medica... View more

Hi everyone, I am new to the forum. I am living with a partner who is suffering severe depression and anxiety and I am in despair about how to help him and to not drown myself. Any tips would be greatly appreciated. He has tried many different medications but has not really stuck with any of them long enough to see if they work due to side effects. I have suggested various things to try like seeing a new doctor or seeking alternative therapies such as acupuncture but he gets angry so I am at the point where I do not even know what to say anymore as everything seems to be a trigger for his anger.

Lost___frustrated Where do I go from here
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone. New on here and I'm feeling lost with life. I am a single mother of two teenage children divorced for 3 years. I have recently lost both parents in a 6 weeks time frame and I know I'm still grieving for their loss. I have suffered from d... View more

Hi everyone. New on here and I'm feeling lost with life. I am a single mother of two teenage children divorced for 3 years. I have recently lost both parents in a 6 weeks time frame and I know I'm still grieving for their loss. I have suffered from depression for years on and off. My biggest problem at the moment is my son. He is 17 years old and has very low self esteem, no confidence has anxiety issues and point blank tells me he has played every counsellor he has spoken to by telling them what they want to hear. He is addicted to the Internet gaming world, it basically rules his life. He is supposed to be at TAFE completing a certificate 3 in IT this is his second go at it and I know he's going to fail again because of lack of attendance. I've tried playing hard ball, taking internet away and end up being verbally abused and damage is done to walls and anything else he can kick or hit. Do any of you know about any sought of intervention? He will not go and talk to anyone, just abuses his sister and myself. Thank you

daisyzoe Suddenly Depressed Boyfriend
  • replies: 2

So as of sunday this week, my boyfriend has very suddenly withdrawn completely & wouldn't speak to me for a few days. he describe this withdrawal to me as feeling sick in the pit of his stomach and constantly this heavy feeling in his chest. everythi... View more

So as of sunday this week, my boyfriend has very suddenly withdrawn completely & wouldn't speak to me for a few days. he describe this withdrawal to me as feeling sick in the pit of his stomach and constantly this heavy feeling in his chest. everything was an effort for him, including speaking to me which is very out of character. as soon as he described his symptoms, i automatically linked this to anxiety/depression. He is 25 next year and i think he is experiencing a lot of anxiety and pressure about his future, i.e. career, buying a house etc. from his own personal expectations. i saw him this evening and he arrived at my house and immediately i noticed his lack of energy. he ended up falling asleep next to me for an hour and then when he was awake, we didnt say a word. i could definitely notice a sense of emptiness, exhaustion and numbness in him and he then went home as he didnt want to 'annoy me with his bad mood' (i reassured him i understood the situation and if he wanted his space/to feel comfortable then he should). so my question is, what do i do to support him? im really concerned as i have never seen him in such a deep depressive state. i reassured him that i love him, i will give him all the space he needs and im always here for him, but im feeling really uneasy about the situation and want to help and support him as much as possible. Advice please?

awolf update on life with depressed husband
  • replies: 4

So, I wrote to you lovely people about a week ago and wanted to give an update. I am still unable to get fully over all of the lies and issues even though my husband is ready to move on. He doesnt want me to try and get him to talk to me about the pa... View more

So, I wrote to you lovely people about a week ago and wanted to give an update. I am still unable to get fully over all of the lies and issues even though my husband is ready to move on. He doesnt want me to try and get him to talk to me about the past issues that JUST OCCURED and doesnt even want me bringing it up. I do not want to be a crazy wife and snoop through his stuff. He is constantly putting himself down saying that he is "an awful husband" and although he is making an effort to talk to me about his thoughts and feelings, I am very concerned that he will go back to normal and keep them from me. Today I told him that I know he loves me and our son. That I am so in love with him as well but that if he didnt want this, to be with me anymore, then I would still be his family and help him and make sure he gets what he needs. He got upset and started getting angry and yelled at me saying that people dont say things like that and I should never say it again. I told him I need more verbal reassurance from him, telling me he loves and and is happy and he said he just isnt that type of person and doesnt operate like that. He said if I leave he will not be able to handle it and started speaking threateningly. I am so lost. I am so on the fence. 50% of me is willing to put up with taking care of everything and putting my emotions on the back burner while he is trying to figure things out but the other 50% of me wants to leave and start living my own life before our 1 yr old knows the difference. Is this worth staying around?

Zhamay Newbie here. Anxious mum with anxious kids!
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone. I hope this post goes through. I tried a few weeks ago but my internet is terrible at the moment! I have just started getting help for anxiety and depression, including social anxiety, which I have suffered from pretty much all my life b... View more

Hi everyone. I hope this post goes through. I tried a few weeks ago but my internet is terrible at the moment! I have just started getting help for anxiety and depression, including social anxiety, which I have suffered from pretty much all my life but only recently decided that it was time to get help for. It has all come out over the last few years as my children both have social anxiety issues and my daughter also has general anxiety as well and the more I learned about their conditions the more I realised what was going on with me and how much it has affected my whole life. It has been very important for me to get myself sorted out so that I can be there in the best possible way for my kids. at the moment my anxiety levels are very high as we are selling house and have been dealing with some very difficult buyers. I just want it all to be over! My job is also very busy and stressful at the moment and then I don't relax much at home because my little girl is really on edge lately. Anyway, I hope to try and get on here as much as I can and get to know some of you. It is really good to know that there are other people out there going through the same kind of problems as me xx

Sparkle_Joy Advice needed regarding depressed ex/friend
  • replies: 2

The guy who I've been seeing for the past 6 months has recently told me that he needs time to sort himself out. He told me that he does like me and cares about me but if he's not 100% then he cannot treat me or us as 100%. We've gone from speaking ab... View more

The guy who I've been seeing for the past 6 months has recently told me that he needs time to sort himself out. He told me that he does like me and cares about me but if he's not 100% then he cannot treat me or us as 100%. We've gone from speaking about everything little thing every single day to barely speaking at all over the period of 1-2 months. We caught up a couple of weeks ago but I feel like it was only because it suited him. Every time I've tried to make the effort to catch up he hasn't wanted to see me. He's recently told me that he's been feeling down and thinking of going to see a doctor to at least get blood tests done which to me is a great start. I want to be there to support him...even if it is just as a friend. But at the same time I myself have had an ongoing issue with anxiety and depression so I don't want him pushing me away to be a detriment on my own health. I have explained this to him but am struggling to get an actual answer. I'd hate to lose him all together so any advice would be greatly appreciated

Fishman At a complete loss
  • replies: 3

My partner has always shown what I would consider to be symptoms of depression and I know her family has a history of it. Like all couples we have our ups and downs but again like most couples we work out our differences. In July this year I was diag... View more

My partner has always shown what I would consider to be symptoms of depression and I know her family has a history of it. Like all couples we have our ups and downs but again like most couples we work out our differences. In July this year I was diagnosed with breast cancer, if have had a mastectomy and am now undergoing the follow up treatment. Prognosis is very positive. This however seems to have pushed my partner deeper into her depression. She is not an unhappy person but it appears everything that I do has an alterior motive and she has now told me that for the entirety of our relationship I have been controlling and taken away her independence and she wants to move on and live because life is too short ( something I am well aware of). There is no negotiation her decision is made even down to the fact she is now looking for somewhere else to live however I have convinced her that I need her by my side at least until I finish my treatment. She has agreed to this as she loves me like family however no longer wants to live as my partner. We currently work together and I am her manager but she see no reason as to why after our separation that can not continue. As you can imagine I have enough challenges facing me at the moment and trying to support and help someone that is completely dillusional is just another character building challenge. Part of me tells me to walk away and look after my own health but the other half tells me to stand up and do what I can to not only save our relationship but most importantly help with her issues . I have delayed telling my family and friends as I know that their opinions and feelings about us splitting at this time would push her further away and worsen her depression I advised her of this and she told me she didn't care what people thought they didn't know how she feels I should be sitting of the corner of the room rocking but I'm doing ok but I would appreciate any advice as I do not really have anyone that I would feel comfortable disuccing this with