Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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I need help coping with my partner with deprssion/anxiety

replies: 2

Hi everyone, I am in need of some advice and also a vent. I have been with my partner almost 8 years now and of late his depression/anxiety is becoming impossible to deal with. He takes medication but also anything to get wasted and escape reality, of late his manner is particularly sneaky, selfish, and mean. I have supported us both financially throughout our relationship and usually am able to understand when he needs space, when he needs me around etc. I have rallied family support when he needs it/is in hospital, make and attend all drs apps, do all our cleaning etc and usually we have had a harmonious house. However of late the way he talks to me is downright nasty, he flips out and calls me names and throws tantrums like a kid, he is spending less and less time with me and our dog (we don't have kids) and yet he feels he dose everything and we are a burden to him. We usually talk very openly but of late he can't talk without disdain towards us. I am becoming depressed and anxious myself, and feel very guilty towards him as if I try to discuss my feelings he says its all about me and I am selfish, or leave him alone, or he just completely tunes out. When do I know when enough is enough? Where is the level of self preservation? I love him to pieces but at times like this he does not resemble the man I love. He is very good at turning things around onto me and make it out like I am the one being distant,cold,and mean, he says I nag him but if I didn't he wouldn't take his meds or get out of bed or anything. We cannot see eye to eye on this disharmony and I wonder if it is the end? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

helping my depressed 'internalising' partner

replies: 1

I am struggling how to help my partner. Sorry if this is a long story, will try to keep it down. I myself unfortunately know well how depression and anxiety feels and I have only just reached a ‘fragile equilibrium’ after several very dark months. My partner suffers from a more lingering style of depression; more a continuous unhappy disinterest and he keeps dwelling on the past. My recent bout of panic attacks (related to fear of losing my job) has pushed him into a new episode of depression regarding his own joblessness. Long story but some very unhappy experiences. I have tried to give him space and let him just ‘hang around’ but that seems not to help as he is angry with himself for not doing anything but can’t lift himself into doing things. I then tried to drag him along to do fun things but as there isn’t much that he considers fun, I have not been very successful with that either. I have asked him multiple times to go see a doctor for help but he is not willing. So far his experiences with GP and psychiatrist have not been very good so he is very reluctant saying that he will go if he doesn’t get better. I think he doesn’t see that he is actually sinking Does anyone have any recommendations? If I am honest, I struggle with my own difficulty to ‘stay positive’ and work exhausts me so I have not much buffer to be the driving force in his life. How can I get both of us out of the negativity spiral and get us from having ‘glas half empty’ to being ‘glas half full’ attitudes

Re: Just stuck!

replies: 13

Hi there My husband and I have been married for only 2 years but been together forever. It hasn't been a happy start to married life at all, the bad moments definitely outweigh the good. He was diagnosed with depression six months ago and has been taking Fluoxetine 20mg without any real follow ups or discussion. He tried 1-2 psych. appointments but didn't like them. He has also always had issues with anger management. I do love this man but his behaviour is so erratic and basically verbally and emotionally abusive (at times). Trust me, I am no angel but he loves me one second then calls for a divorce the next second. I feel so alone in this marriage. He works FIFO and the week he is home is usually pretty standard. The first few days are good, we have a fight and then we stay separate for the last few days of his break. He constantly changes his moods from tears to anger and I just cannot keep up. He tells me that he needs me more than anyone because he is falling apart and acknowledges that he pushes me away all the time. When he is angry he tells me he doesn't want to be anywhere near me, doesn't respect me etc etc...I want to help but I just don't know how. Don't get me wrong, there is good here (I know it doesn't sound like it) - we have what I guess is called a sexless marriage which is killing me because we weren't always like this but for the last three years it really hasn't been existent at all. After speaking with my mum (who loves him) she has actually said that she wouldn't stick around because he is too erratic and it's been going on for too long. Help! strategies, advice, tips....reality check. Whatever it is, please. This is not such a happy new year (he is currently getting ready to just take off for the night then flies out tomorrow) Thanks

Need support with depressed partner

replies: 5

My partner and i met 5 months ago and things were amazing for 6-8 weeks...at this point he pulled the handbreak on....we had been talking about our future ie: living together. We do nit live together, we go between bith houswa. All this stopped and he admitted he had previously had depression. He tells me i am an amazing woman and "tick all the boxes" but he says he is so confused at what is his happy. I feel like im not a part of his "happy" and am struggling. I have been widowed for almost 10 years. Ive dealt with my past.he told me tonight that the kids scare him (when in the beginning it excited him)....he has 2 and I have 2. The kids all get along great. He says he worries about his kids going back and forth between our houses, but they are extremely happy and well adjusted. He has finally found a counsellor last week (someone I found for him) that seems to work for him which is great and im extremely proud of him. I get upset as i dont feel he sees a future with me...he says im prefect and its nothing i am doing...the old "ots not you its me". Its becomung hard to take and I cant imagine my life without him eveb though I am not truly 100% happy. I refuse to walk away but feel im being pushed. I feel he is being selfish and feel he takes me for granted. I do everything I can for him to make his life easier, cook, clean, care for his kids so he can have time to hinself. I started counselling today and am finding it hard to stay positive......can anyone give me aome advice or tips.

Supporting husband?

replies: 1

My husband has been diagnosed with depression and general anxiety before in the past, it took him a while but he did get better and he has been fine up until about 3 weeks ago and he just lost it. He tends to come across as angry and withdrawn when he is feeling depressed and we have been fighting ever since because I didn't realise until today what was actually going on within him because he is so unclear with explaining himself. I too suffer from depression and general anxiety and my anxiety can be quite bad and I feel like his mood swings have been setting off my anxiety hence why we have been fighting. Anyway, I sat down and thought about it today and realised that this is what is wrong with him, it's the exact same as when he was first diagnosed with depression. I took a step back and apologised for not being supportive and told him I would give him whatever he felt he needed (space because that's what he's been asking for), I told him that it's ok to not be ok and I told him that I will make an appointment for him with his doctor for as soon as they can fit him in and that I can go with him or let him go on his own. Anyway, my point is, what can I do to support him more? I've never had anyone support me with my mental health and it has taken me years to learn to support myself so I'm not sure what to do or say? We have two children, a one year old and a three year old which occupy most of my time, but I need to support him, I'm just not sure what to do. Any tips or advice or anything would be so helpful

Depressed partner

replies: 3

Iv been with my partner close to 8yrs. When I met him his brother had just passed away. For the first 4yrs he was OK depressed but still got on with life. He then had our first son and since then he has gotten worse. He also works a high stress job that deals with death of babies to old people and it has affected him deeply. He knows his depressed but won't go to our GP and admit he needs so help and tried the councillor at work but that didn't help either. We now have a new born and when we found out I was pregnant with him my partner just got angry and pushed me and our 1st son away. He would work crazy hours and when he was home lock himself in our room or spend every day he had off with his friends. I had very bad morning sickness and a high risk pregnancy and he wasn't around so I move away with my mum. His calmed down a lot now but still had bursts of anger, can't handle his frustration and has started to get anxiety. I'm at a loss as to how to connect with him or help him. He isn't affectionate anymore and very rarely says he loves me. Where as before he used to be very loving and affectionate. I guess I need help for myself and help understanding him

Don't know what to do I think my husband has depression?

replies: 5

Hello this is all new to me but I have no idea where to start for help, I have been with my husband for 25yrs but for the past yr he's changed not for the better. He gets very angry and very secluded , he just sits in his shed and watches tv. Our children have grown up they are 17/19 the 19yr old is still at home they have always been close but that's even changed. He just gets so mad and nasty for no reason it can be the tiniest thing that will set him off , we changed jobs 2yrs ago as he had enough of 10yrs of shift work now he has a casual job that is still shift work but he chose this job , I don't know what to do he was unhappy in last job now unhappy in this one , the kids make comments that he's grumpy , he has all his toys that men want as well as more I'm not a demanding wife I am very laid back no stress I work 3 jobs to help keep us in a good life but seems to be that's can't make him happy! When I ask him what's wrong he says nothing but there is something wrong I know after 25yrs something isn't right . He has issues with his family that run deep but I don't know how to help him part from be here for his good days but I have been crying for 4 days and my life is now turning into walking on egg shells wondering what I will do to turn him cranky,

Help, i don't know what to do anymore ;-(

replies: 7

I have been married for 8 years and have 2 incredible daughters (2 and 6). My husband has always suffered from depression and about 5 years ago started medication. Even on medication he is often in such a dark place (but not as angry). Most days he doesn't get out of bed till after 3-4pm and then stays up really late till about 4am. We never ever do anything as a family as he can't cope with the stress. He is insecure and even though when in good form he is an incredible human he has no friends of his own. He doest care about anything, he doesn't want to die but doesn't care to live aswell. His moods are so unpredictable and its very hard to plan anything as i end up doing them alone. His communication is terrible and well our sex life is non existent, even before the medication it was rare, i think we only had intercourse to get pregnant everything else is/was basic and very unconnected. I once asked him why we don't make love anymore and he didn't speak to me for a week.He sounds awful but he is beautiful, the kindest person i know, incredible generous, kids adore him (he prefers kids to adults) and out in public he is adored (he is a musician and very loved) My issues is, i want a normal life and with him is is far from normal, no intimacy, many nights and days of no communication, bringing up the girls on my own, financially strained due to him sleeping most days, he rarely leaves the house. I think of leaving him every day, i worry if i did he will have no one, it has been about 6 years like this and i feel unhappy and sometime question my love, but then he is good again and i realise i love him so much. Is this my life, i am sad and constantly look at other couples and how normal they are, it she small things. Doing things as a family, not feeling alone, having intimacy. I wish he would leave me, that would be heartbreaking but i would cope and probably be happier in the long run but the thought of me leaving him kills me.;-(

Will things ever get better?

replies: 4

My husband has been on anti depressants for about 10 yrs. He is a very good person and a very good dad to our 3 boys (2, 6 &8).He goes periods of being fine, but when he drinks, even in small amounts, for the next week he picks fights with me, analyses everything I say, threatens to leave etc. He will shout at me in front of the kids, and inevitably I shout back because I am so desperate not to fight any more. Despite him seeing a number of psychologists over the years, he refused for a long time to acknowledge the role that alcohol plays in his depression, and even when I used to beg him to slow down or stop, he wouldn't. This over the years made me incredibly resentful of him, as it is so obvious to me that his depression can be managed with the right self care. When he is low, he tells me it is all because of me, and that I don't respect him or love him enough, or speak nicely to him enough. The sad part is, now what he is saying is true because I have been worn down so much over the years. He only seeks help when I get to breaking point and he gets scared of losing the kids. The last time he agreed with his specialist that he shouldn't drink anything. He ended up giving up alcohol for 6 months, and I started seeing a change in him and our relationship. Our business was struggling and we were both under incredible stress, but despite this we seemed to be managing ok. Then one night out of the blue I had a phone call - he had been found unconscious after an accidental heroin overdose. The whole six months he stopped drinking, he was secretly using heroin. I have stuck by him because I am terrified that he will keep using drugs if I kicked him out, and I do care about him. Since it has happened I have had an incredible amount of resentment build up, waiting for him to make up for what he's done, as if magically his huge mistake might shake him into action. Now our business has failed, we are having to sell our house. He isn't coping and neither am I. Instead of recognising why he is stressed, he still blames his depression on me and has started back on small amounts of alcohol. I am now stuck in a terrible position where I know his depression is an illness, but I'm so angry, I say terrible things thinking it will jolt him out of it as I'm so desperate for him to wake up to what he is doing to our family. I have begged him to start taking care of us. My kids think the world of him and he thinks the world of them. Is there a way I can get over all of this?

Partner with Depression.

replies: 4

Hi, My boyfriend has previously seen a psychologist and been on medication for depression throughout his high school years, however he decided to stop taking his medication during this time. Now, five years later we are in a one-year relationship, and it seems to be that he is depressed again. For the past month, he has been quite low, and has an extremely short fuse with me. Which is starting to take its toll on the relationship. He does not want to do anything, and he has admitted he is the only person who can help himself. I am wondering what the next best step is for me to support him, I can only take so much of the frustration and anger he puts towards me. Whilst I do not think he needs to go on medication, I do believe he needs to talk to someone, to learn to control his emotions and how to feel better about himself. I understand that it is best to leave him be and he has to decide what is best for himself, so I have decided I will just do my own thing for the next week or so. I am starting to feel that I need to take a stand to ensure he does not keep treating me unfairly, however if I left the relationship without really trying I would kick myself. Any insight would be amazing! Thank you.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

I need help coping with my partner with deprssion/anxiety replies: 2

helping my depressed 'internalising' partner replies: 1

Re: Just stuck! replies: 13

Need support with depressed partner replies: 5

Supporting husband? replies: 1

Depressed partner replies: 3

Don't know what to do I think my husband has depression? replies: 5

Help, i don't know what to do anymore ;-( replies: 7

Will things ever get better? replies: 4

Partner with Depression. replies: 4