Crappy day - could use cheering up

[Hypatia]

So, this morning has been a marathon and I'm feeling particularly crappy. After a good weekend, my partner had terrible insomnia this morning, woke up very low and increasingly anxious. After an hour sleep in, and cuddles, I coaxed him into the shower, but getting to work this morning was too big an ask. He drove me to work, then was going home to see how he feels. I'm worried he's going to sleep all day, and then not again tonight and repeat the pattern. I'm also desperately worried about his capacity to keep this job, and work full-time. He's run out of sick leave, and is now using annual leave, but that will also run out soon. I keep trying to work out how to rebalance the budget with him working part-time, but it is hard and I'm terrified of both going under financially and placing pressure on him to work when he can't, by telling him about the money pressure. I'm also desperately worried about the effect on him if he can't work. He is liked and well-respected at work, and while he finds it stressful and frustrating, he takes pride in his achievements and has strong affection for his coworkers. That disappearing would be awful. But his pattern of attendance at the moment is so spotty, I can't see it not becoming an issue.

So I spend an hour trying to get him to get to work, then make myself late. And my job is bananas - I can't keep working the kind of short days I have been since the depression worsened a couple of months ago. And when I'm at work, I can't concentrate properly. By the time I get in, there is a queue of people wanting stuff, and I'm trying to work through it all, but I'm desperately worried, and stressed and all I want to do is crawl up under my desk and cry. But of course, we need my income more than ever right now, so I have to work out how to pull it together, focus and be there.

I mostly have no idea how to handle the mornings - should I be trying to get him to go to work? When does offering help become pushing to go? He has terrible self esteem when he goes down, so it is very easy for even gentle suggestions to end up making him feel miserable and useless for feeling miserable. But honestly, I don't think it is good for him to be at home too much.

Could use some advice, support. This gig is really hard sometimes

[Paul]

Hugs Hypatia, this gig is bloody hard all the time!

I understand your struggle - it's like two doses of horrible medicine almost every day - yuck. I must say that I really admire your tenacity in helping your husband while you work with your own demons. Needing to both stay employed and not feeling great again, takes great strength. I'm glad you've reached out to us here.

There's no mention of Drs/ Psychologists etc in your post are either of you seeing someone for professional help? Also no mention of medication.

Are any of the above a consideration for you?

Paul

[Hypatia]

Hi Paul,

 Yes, we're finally in various kinds of treatment. Partner is in week 2 of new antidepressant - his fourth - which was prescribed by a psychiatrist (we had to wait many months for an appointment, but now he has another in early December to review). This one has anxiety as a side effect, which is hitting him very hard today. Other than the anxiety, it has been better though (less low days, more energy) but the anxiety is a killer for getting to work. He has his second appointment with a new psychologist tomorrow, who wants to see him weekly. I am very hopeful that will be helpful - he's also been playing psych roulette, and it is very confronting for him to talk about himself, and so this is the first time he's had someone committed to a CBT/ACT plan. I think I'm going to ask him to talk to her about work attendance, and how to handle it.

I also have a psychologist whom I see fortnightly, who helps work on my elevated anxiety.

It is just one of those days where it feels like you are doing everything you can, and it still isn't enough to make it ok. It helps to have such a quick and warm response, thanks.

[geoff]

dear Hypatia, thanks for posting your comment in what seems to be a catch 22 situation for you, because if he's not well, which seems to be the case, then pushing him to go to work is going to back fire, especially if he has used up all his sick leave, so this could have been going on for awhile, and if it has then I'm sorry for the both of you, we all know that there couldn't be anything more horrifying than this.

The big problem is that it is now affecting you as well, and at some point you may not have the strength to push him to work, because if you have to do it everyday then a problem may begin, because remember you want to 'curl up and cry'.

Your partner maybe well liked at work and indeed respected but when he is suffering from depression this doesn't mean much for him, because all of this is obvious to him, so he really needs help starting with his doctor and then what the doctor may prescribe for him.

I wish that I could cheer you up, but it doesn't seem as though I am, but with support it may do so.

Is there a chance that you maybe able to get full time work, however that's asking a great deal for you, because you too are not 100% well.

If your partner does stay home then that does create a big problem for the both of you, firstly because he's unable to go to work because he's depressed but then you may feel a bit lost or perhaps annoyed and wonder how you will be able to pay for everything.

I would suggest that the both of you go and see your doctor, because this isn't going to go away by itself.

I really hope that you can reply back to us. Geoff. x

[Guest_1055]

Hello Hypatia,

I have just finished reading your post. And I thought you sounded stressed, is that so? And then I am thinking maybe you are juggling so many things and feeling responsible for so many  things that are happening around you. That just feels so heavy for me. And by the way, your husband is very blessed to have such a devoted and caring person- that's you! Loving him like that.

And about your morning routine, with getting off to work and stuff. My mind is thinking about a community mental health team, Now I do not know if this is the right thing for you or your husband, nor to I know much about them. And I am also feeling scared in case I say the wrong thing. But I am aware that they have people that work for them, by coming into your home to help get the person that needs it set up for the day. Or something like that. It may feel invasive, I don't know. I don't know if I am at all helping you at all. But please know I care.

With love and lightness to you.

[Hypatia]

Thanks for your thoughts geoff, and yes we do have a long road to travel yet.

I do work full-time, we currently live on two f/t salaries. If he has to go part-time, we can do it, but given our existing financial commitments it will be tough. I think I am slowly accepting that I have to restructure our finances for this, though. I know lots of people are worse off, I just have to remember that we are relatively lucky.

Right now I think seeing different doctors is the right thing for us. I am indeed not 100% well, but he is much worse and needs some time to let his own therapy and medication work, I think.

He is trying as hard as he can, it's just a tough road.

[Hypatia]

HI Shelley,

Thanks for your message, love and lightness are just what I need today! I am a bit stressed - I tend to get stressed and upset when my partner has a bad day, worrying about whether he will get worse or better, as well as all the things that have to be done.

The idea about having someone come in in the mornings  made me smile - I would like that very much, and I don't know if there is a service like that near me, but it is worth thinking about. I don't think my partner would like it, but it is something we can talk about so I don't feel so much like I have to juggle everything first thing in the morning. Thank you - it was a very useful post.