When to let go of a loved one struggling with depression?

Zoe22 · ‎15-11-2015

I've had a rocky relationship with an ex (Jim) for 2 years. In my heart, I think he's the love of my life. It's hard to admit my gut may be off. That's why this so emotionally draining. We dated for 2 years before he withdrew. I knew he loved me by how he treated me. Anyway, to make a longer story shorter he moved for a job and we tried long distance. It was HIS idea. Long distance was harder than both of us thought. We took a break but talked daily. Then slowly he withdrew. I felt mad and sent him an e-mail pouring my heart out. Never got a response. It was stone silent for 10 MONTHS with only 1 message from him 3 months in saying let's talk soon. When I responded, NOTHING. It was bizarre. I reached out to him monthly because I was confused, hurt, and upset. A back story-Jim's been through a lot-his mom died when he was 19. His dad had a hard time coping. Whenever I saw his dad, he drank alcohol and worked excessively to numb his pain. I think Jim started to do that too. Working crazy hours at a hospital in the ICU. After a lot of crying, I got a message after 10 months. He said he was in a really dark place. I mentioned having him talk to someone but he said he was fine. Eventually, he moved to his hometown (far from me). We started talking again everyday. I let him in again. He hinted about us dating. I went to visit him. In my head, I thought we were kinda dating. He said he's loved me for some time. I told him I'd move to make it work. Jim said he needed time to think. He got distant again and said it was too much with school (he started attending a 3 year grad program) in August. That he couldn't give me what I needed but wanted me in his life. Mixed emotions. I feel trapped. I want to wait for him but get upset because we've been off and on for 2 years. I told him he's not treating me nicely. I feel guilty because I don't want to lower his self esteem. Now he's not responding. It's like when I get too close, he gets overwhelmed and withdraws. Like he can't deal with emotion. I worry he's going to be a workaholic and keep numbing his feelings. I feel lost. I want him in my life but it's hard when the relationship is rocky. I want to have a family. I feel like if I keep doing this and he keeps acting this way, it might pass me by. It's hard. I don't want to give up on him or not be there for him. He told me I was too good for him. I don't want him to feel low. I want him to talk and work it out. Any advice? Is it time to give up? How do you cope?

white knight · ‎15-11-2015

Hi Zoe, welcome here,

There is a tendency for some, many, that have a mental illness to not "own up" to obligations in a relationship. I wrote one article here called "and who cares for the carer". In that article I explained that when a depressed person lies in bed all day (understandable) but can visit the toilet, make themselves a cuppa or have a bite to eat and attend to a knock at the door....then when their partner arrives home surely they can greet them and ask them if they would like to share a brew.

Carers, live in helpers/partners need support to. Everyone needs some support one time or another. Sometimes its easier and an advantage if the sufferer remains in bed when the partner arrives back home (when it isn't 100% genuine). This is clearly milking the situation in my view. Playing an emotional game of sorts. NOT ACCEPTABLE!! and the relationship will go downhill eventually.

That is a little off track but its a point to make because this man isn't being totally up front with you. You are like a toy that he plays with, perhaps unknowingly but one nevertheless.

I'm 59yo but when 21yo I started a relationship with a woman 7 years my senior. She had a child. She was messed up form having a child adopted when she was 15yo. She was under a psychiatrist. We lived together for 5 years and we had many breakups. But I wanted to get married and have children. It was different them days, being 30yo and unmarried was "over the hill". So I became desperate.

At the 5 year mark I told her that she had one full year to make up her mind and she should not leave me anymore during that time. Clearly I needed a commitment without any emotional stress from arriving home with a "Dear Tony, I'm sorry but I don't know what I want" note left on the bench.

One year to the day I left, the situation, the attitude, didn't change and she had left me about 50 times during that year. Time to think of number one- me!!

It was hard. But after 6 months I bumped into her at the shops. She'd met another guy and they were living together. I asked one question- "so, have you ever left this new man in your life ...left a note on the bench for him to arrive home to"? She just starred at me. I knew she had.

There comes a time when you have to protect yourself from hurt. In your case Zoe you need to move on and find the man of your dreams that treat you how you want to be treated.

Leopards don't change their spots.

Take care. Cyber hug. Tony WK

Zoe22 · ‎15-11-2015

Thanks Tony! I think you are definitely correct. Somewhere during the relationship I let myself become his doormat. At times it's really hard to move on because I feel guilty for giving up on him. It's also like there's never any closure. How were you able to move on and heal from everything?

pipsy · ‎15-11-2015

Hi Zoe. I don't think you should view your decision as 'giving up'. I think you should see it as a positive move that you're not able to help him because he doesn't want to be helped. Don't feel guilty either. Tony's quite right in that you've let what you feel for him turn you into his 'doormat'. He's 'kicked' you when he's been 'down' rather than face the fact that he's really the only one who can do anything to change his lifestyle. He sounds as though he's really mixed up and needs time to sort out what he wants. Once he accepts you're not there for him to 'dump on', he may do something constructive. I've also had to accept my marriage is 'over' and has been for a long time. It wasn't easy to face, these things never are, but once we face it life seems to become easy. Knowing we are no longer in a 'toxic' situation helps us breathe easier. You will probably never forget your friend, don't try to, but use what you've learnt to make you wiser. If he wants to keep in touch, that's your call, just be firm and honest with him.

All the best.

Zoe22 · ‎16-11-2015

Thanks Pipsy. Yes, I wasn't able to see how toxic the relationship was because I still thought he was the same person I met before any of this happened. It's exactly what you said above: I can't help him because he doesn't want to change. I started unconsciously enabling this behavior and that' s probably why it was so toxic. I'm going to try really hard not to contact him. It is hard because I think about him every day and wonder how he is doing.

pipsy said:

Hi Zoe. I don't think you should view your decision as 'giving up'. I think you should see it as a positive move that you're not able to help him because he doesn't want to be helped. Don't feel guilty either. Tony's quite right in that you've let what you feel for him turn you into his 'doormat'. He's 'kicked' you when he's been 'down' rather than face the fact that he's really the only one who can do anything to change his lifestyle. He sounds as though he's really mixed up and needs time to sort out what he wants. Once he accepts you're not there for him to 'dump on', he may do something constructive. I've also had to accept my marriage is 'over' and has been for a long time. It wasn't easy to face, these things never are, but once we face it life seems to become easy. Knowing we are no longer in a 'toxic' situation helps us breathe easier. You will probably never forget your friend, don't try to, but use what you've learnt to make you wiser. If he wants to keep in touch, that's your call, just be firm and honest with him.

All the best.