update on life with depressed husband

[awolf]

So, I wrote to you lovely people about a week ago and wanted to give an update. I am still unable to get fully over all of the lies and issues even though my husband is ready to move on. He doesnt want me to try and get him to talk to me about the past issues that JUST OCCURED and doesnt even want me bringing it up. I do not want to be a crazy wife and snoop through his stuff. He is constantly putting himself down saying that he is "an awful husband" and although he is making an effort to talk to me about his thoughts and feelings, I am very concerned that he will go back to normal and keep them from me. Today I told him that I know he loves me and our son. That I am so in love with him as well but that if he didnt want this, to be with me anymore, then I would still be his family and help him and make sure he gets what he needs. He got upset and started getting angry and yelled at me saying that people dont say things like that and I should never say it again. I told him I need more verbal reassurance from him, telling me he loves and and is happy and he said he just isnt that type of person and doesnt operate like that. He said if I leave he will not be able to handle it and started speaking threateningly. I am so lost. I am so on the fence. 50% of me is willing to put up with taking care of everything and putting my emotions on the back burner while he is trying to figure things out but the other 50% of me wants to leave and start living my own life before our 1 yr old knows the difference. Is this worth staying around? 

[IAMTHAT_IAM]

Hi awolf

I have come across some of your support posts and some of your story and will share some of my wisdom and its general not advice really.

I have anxiety, well managed and since January 2007 when I was travelling to work and nearly passed out (having a panic attack) I drove myself to the emergency department in a deranged state. Looking back it must have been great vision for those waiting. Over the next few years my journey has been about discovery, its been long but there is light at the end of the tunnel if you can be patient. I initially was on my way to work that day and I had an extremely stressful job as a manager for big events like BDO etc and I thought my job was the problem, so I diverted my career to something less exciting less dynamic and less money only to find out over 3 years later that it wasn't my job! Finding the route cause, triggers and solutions whilst managing medication therapists and thats all before my family is a full time job but I can honestly say NOW I have reached a beautiful place upon I now start to rise again.

One thing I have always observed with relationships is that having a truly special connection once in a life time love can only happen between two people when you have three things, the same three things we live for. No one can live fully if one of these areas is caught short of expression.

We live for the body, we live for the mind and we live for the soul. In relationship: our bodies are the physical attraction. The mind is the intellectual attraction. The soul is the emotional attraction and all three must be expressing themselves for all to be full life connection.

Mental health effects these three things, but they can also be the biggest help with recovery and reconnecting.

How? Talk Understanding Talk Understanding Talk Understanding - lets face it no two people on this earth are compatible, its really all about understanding, those less equipped with deep levels of understanding will only have a shallow life. 

Those whom have the deep love & understanding for someone with a problem are the earths angels!

Regards Aaron

[awolf]

Thanks Aaron, I am so happy you have found the light and although generalized, very helpful. It is awesome that you knew you needed a change and got help to maintain your life! And you are fully right about having a deep love for someone combined with understanding. I hope we will figure this out can have that "recovery and re-connection" 🙂

[geoff]

dear Awolf, it can be a very difficult decision which 50 % you decide you want to choice, but different circumstances may decide which way to go, and if they go the way you had always hoped it would go, that is, communication is good, sexual life, give and take, love and showing it, making up after an argument and taking care of the kids, well this is the ideal marriage, but it can vary in different ways.

If the marriage turns stale, communication is hopeless, no sexual relationship and hiding everything from each other, then the marriage is not worth continuing with, but if you bring in depression, this can make it 10 fold worse.

Do you feel obligated to stay with the person who is depressed but doesn't want to help themselves, as well as professional help and refuse to take medication, then the situation does become critical, then there's not much choice other than leave either temporarily or permanent.

If the person accepts your help and is trying therapy and taking medication and you really love them, then it's an easy choice.

By separating or becoming divorced won't mean that you will stop loving him/her, even though it may end in difficult circumstances as well as arguments occurring, it just means that you aren't able to live together, even though you love them.

If you bring into the equation kids or a young child then you have to think about bringing up a child in a stable relationship and then make your decision.

There are many different variables into what I have said. Geoff. x

[Hypatia]

Hi awolf,

I can't tell you whether to stay or go, but the behaviours and situation you are describing won't work long term for you, and isn't fair. You've had a huge breach of trust, and you both need to work out how to establish the relationship in a way that you can *both* live with - if he's not even going to entertain trying to give you reassurance in basic things, for example, it sounds like he still thinks this is just on his terms, and then he is trying to keep you around with threats, rather than compromise and seeking solutions.

I'd really, really think about seeing a psychologist if you aren't - start with your GP if money is an issue because you might qualify for a mental health care plan which will help. Even a  mediocre experience with a counsellor can give you a different way to look at a problem and work out how to resolve it.

In the meantime, it sounds like your daily life is pretty crappy. So well done for surviving and being a great parent in hard times.