At a complete loss

[Fishman]

My partner has always shown what I would consider to be symptoms of depression and I know her family has a history of it. Like all couples we have our ups and downs but again like most couples we work out our differences. In July this year I was diagnosed with breast cancer, if have had a mastectomy and am now undergoing the follow up treatment. Prognosis is very positive. This however seems to have pushed my partner deeper into her depression. She is not an unhappy person but it appears everything that I do has an alterior motive and she has now told me that for the entirety of our relationship I have been controlling and taken away her independence and she wants to move on and live because life is too short ( something I am well aware of). There is no negotiation her decision is made even down to the fact she is now looking for somewhere else to live however I have convinced her that I need her by my side at least until I finish my treatment. She has agreed to this as she loves me like family however no longer wants to live as my partner. We currently work together and I am her manager but she see no reason as to why after our separation that can not continue. As you can imagine I have enough challenges facing me at the moment and trying to support and help someone that is completely dillusional is just another character building challenge. Part of me tells me to walk away and look after my own health but the other half tells me to stand up and do what I can to not only save our relationship but most importantly help with her issues . I have delayed telling my family and friends as I know that their opinions and feelings about us splitting at this time would push her further away and worsen her depression  I advised her of this and she told me she didn't care what people thought they didn't know how she feels  

I should be sitting of the corner of the room rocking but I'm doing ok but I would appreciate any advice as I do not really have anyone that I would feel comfortable disuccing this with  

[Carmela]

Hi Fishman and welcome to Beyondblue.  It sounds like you are doing it tough at the moment.

Trying to support a partner with depression and dealing with your own health challenge is a lot to take on. 
I was in a similar situation 4 years ago with cervical cancer and a husband who just could not function.  The
decision l made was to look after me and ensure I got my health back on track. To support a depressed partner who struggled to show love and support was too much to handle, so l took the position of giving that love to me (self love) and seeking out others who could give me the support l needed during my health crisis. This took the form of seeing a counsellor and reaching out to friends.   

Dealing with a partner with mental illness can be painful and isolating. Make sure you're getting the emotional support you need to cope. Talk to someone you trust about what you're going through. You did mention that you don’t have anyone you are comfortable with.  There are support groups out there – they are called Carers services and they are there to help the people who are caring for others. They can provide over the phone support as well as link you in with face-to-face counselling, education programs and support groups where you can meet other people going through the same thing. Here are two good ones I used:

Carers Australia
Phone: 1800 242 636 
Website: www.carersaustralia.com.au

Mind Australia
Phone: 1300 550 265 
Website: www.mindaustralia.org.au 

Fishman, if your partner chooses to move out respect her decision and make arrangements for yourself to ensure you have the support you need. Don’t rely on her as a single point of support.  Focus on YOU now and beating the cancer. Sometimes we need to take a more selfish approach because caring for a partner with depression is so emotionally depleting. You are just as important and need assistance. If she reluctantly chooses to give her time and emotional support to you when you really need it, make arrangements, tell your friends and family and establish a support team.  She has confirmed with you that she is not concerned what others think. She is courageous as the stigma of depression should not be fueled when cancer is a bed fellow, but ultimately this is your choice. 

Wishing you a speedy recovery. 

[Fishman]

Thanks for taking the time to offer advice Carmela.

I am doing it pretty tough at the moment but still with a big grin on my face. 🙂

I am becoming very close to just walking away and looking after myself as I feel as though I have been abandoned when I most needed support therefore why should I be there to help someone that thinks they don't need my help.

Onward and Upward and thanks again.

[Carmela]

We all have the capacity to see through the hard times. Believe in your strength and courage and know that the best outcome will prevail.