Struggling

[rplhampton]

Hi everyone, I am new to the forum.  I am living with a partner who is suffering severe depression and anxiety and I am in despair about how to help him and to not drown myself.  Any tips would be greatly appreciated.  He has tried many different medications but has not really stuck with any of them long enough to see if they work due to side effects.  I have suggested various things to try like seeing a new doctor or seeking alternative therapies such as acupuncture but he gets angry so I am at the point where I do not even know what to say anymore as everything seems to be a trigger for his anger.  

[pipsy]

Hi there.   I am so sorry to hear of your situation.  Your partner is obviously scared because of the illness, plus trying new meds that are causing distress isn't helping.  Maybe you could contact his Dr and let him know what's happening.  When we try meds, sometimes they take several days to 'kick in'.  Then there are unpleasant side effects which can put us off.  We return to the Dr, he suggests something else, the same thing seems to happen, so we get 'put off'.  Our spouses/partners suffer, we're aware of this, but are powerless to stop the cycle.  As I suggested, try and see his Dr and discuss with him what's happening.  I would suggest going to visit Dr alone, so your partner doesn't get more aggressive.  Let the Dr know your partner refuses to give the meds time to 'kick in', tell him about the unpleasant side effects he seems to be experiencing.  The more the Dr knows about what's happening, the more he can help your partner.  I think the anger he's displaying is because, to him, you're stating the obvious.  He's scared of the side effects, he possibly has been told the meds will take time to start working.  He realizes you're trying to help, but to him, as I said, you're stating the obvious.  Sorry if that upsets you.  My ex was similar, in that every time I got upset or angry, I would be told to 'take another pill', that doesn't work and it makes you more agro.   You love your partner and are trying to help, that's obvious.  He probably knows that too.  Possibly he hasn't been as honest with his Dr as he should have been.  Some people who are ill don't tell their Dr every thing, they think the Dr should just 'know' because that's his 'job'.  Dr's only go by what they're told, if they're not told everything, how can they know.  Have a talk with his Dr and be guided by him.  Don't say another word to your partner.          

[Hypatia]

Hi rpl,

Pipsy has good advice above, I just want to add that "not drowning"yourself is really important. Do you have friends and/or family that you can talk to? Something that gives you pleasure you can do every day (a bath, an hour to read a good book, a walk or run or cycle?). Being around the constant negativity can build up till you are pretty close to crisis yourself, which is hard. And as hard as it is, sometimes you need to disengage a tiny bit yourself to make sure you keep a sense of perspective. He needs you for that, and you need you for that.
It's also hard to accept that you can't get better for him - whether his choices are right or wrong, they need to be his, that's part of his recovery. (That doesn't mean you shouldn't talk to his doctor - that isn't making the decision for him, it's adding context to his medical care.)

Hugs, and some giggles too which I'm sure you need.