No more to give.

[Stafford]

Hi. My husband and I have been married for 30 years. In 2006, he plunged into catatonic depression, and I helped admit him into hospital. He underwent major help sessions for months, included EST, and also did CBT. He's tried most of the anti-depressants, but hates the inability to have sex. Me? I think it's the best part.....! He used it as a weapon for so long while he was depressed that my life is easier without it.

In the years since this catastrophic first induction, I've tried to maintain a distant support system for him. I find that now - we are in business together - he just basically relies on me to breathe. He depends on sex as a comfort and a perceived need, he arranges our life so he has no part in any decision making, he thinks his mind is broken, as he thinks so diametrically differently to everyone on the planet. He can sulk for the century.

One thing he does do, is talks really badly to himself - all the time! I am the only grown up in the family (kids are 21 and 25) and I'm wondering a few things here

1. How do I keep going? I'm bad, I'm bossy, I'm the spendthrift, I'm the one who withholds sex, I'm the one who damages the children, I'm the one who.... Well, you get the idea.

2. How do I bring myself to care for him when he's basically sucked me dry over the last few years? I've got to the stage where I really don't care about what he says or what he does. I don't listen any more because it's just more of the depressed drivel. His negativity is awe-inspiring. I am really worried in a small part of me that I'm not trying hard enough, or that I'm not giving him what he needs - oh wait - I'm not, because none of us know what he needs, do we? Including him.

We started in business together again 5 years ago after a break of a few years - doing what he wanted to do. Now he leaves nearly all of the business to me, and just picks the tiny eyes out of it. He says he hates being there, he hates every thing about our business.He wants money out of it. He wants it to succeed. ANd I'm not managing to do that...

Can someone please tell me how to keep going? Please? I've talked to people until I'm blue in the face, and they tell ME to be supportive of HIM. Well, guess what....? help. Thank you so much.

[white knight]

Hi Stafford, welcome

I see both sides so clearly here because some of his symptoms eg sulking, is me to a tee.

I once wrote an article you'll get benefit from. Google "topic: When all is lost – what can you do? Be radical 
- beyondblue" it will be the first one that appears on google.

Some people with mental illness are the last people that should be in business. Business needs consistency, sharing equally with input, ongoing respect for partners and so on. In fact I'll go further in your case- I'd sell the business no matter what the repercussions. In the end if you don't your health will suffer as it likely already has. That my opinion.

The other thing that he has (that I certainly don't have) is negativity. Negativity is a state of mind only the person themselves ahs the ability to change. In 1982 I attended a motivation lecture that changed my life in 30 minutes. But he would need to be open to wanting the challenge. I can pick the negative person now in an instant and I stay clear of them or they bring me down too easily.

Another thing google this "Topic: Caring for your ‘well’ partner - beyondblue" its another one of my articles. In your case being taken for granted. Decades of marriage is no excuse. He needs to lift his game. I go as far to say that he is inflicting a form of abuse. I know the feeling. My first wife saw me working 3 jobs so she could watch TV all day and do nothing more. I'd get home, change nappies, wash clothes, mow lawns and so on. 11 years and I was finished being treated like that. I broke. If I yelled in frustration she stopped talking for up to 6 weeks straight. It drove me insane. It was abuse.

There are many articles/ threads on this site that could also benefit him. One I wrote is (Google) "Topic: Motivation– search and rescue it  - beyondblue" and "Topic: Your attitude is not a mental illness - beyondblue" and "Topic: Does stubbornness have a place? - beyondblue"

Mental illness has big challenges for not only the one that has it but their family members. Regardless, no one in this world should load so much burden upon another person beyond a reasonable amount. and such extra burden should be compensated in other ways. eg If he has an off day and doesn't assist in the business, that's understandable. Then the next day he should return the favour of you "carrying" him to allow/offer you time away from same as appreciation.

You get the picture.

Tony WK

[Stafford]

Wow Tony White Knight!! D'you know what though? Your answer just made me feel a million times better - you validated my emotional exhaustion. Sometimes, that's all it takes to turn you around, isn't it? I will go and read your articles with interest. He is well aware of his negativity, and uses it to hurt himself more and more - he will lay in bed and talk to himself. His favourite phrase is "Good for F-all" over and over again. He has done CBT, has faced his depression, has done the Landmark Forum - all these things work for him short term...

I would resent selling the business, as we went into it because "it was his dream". Once, not long ago, when I told him that it was so unfair that he hated the shop, he told me, and I quote "I wouldn't have dreamed about it if I'd known it was going to be like this". Gah!! The other reason I would resent selling the shop is that I love it - I live and breathe it, swing with the changes, understand the bad months etc. I have encouraged him to leave and get a job that he enjoys, but his stock standard answer is that no one would want him. Gah again! 🙂

Thanks a million again for taking the time to validate me - I think I get so lost and bereft sometimes because you do start to wonder if you were different etc etc etc.......

I go read your articles. xxx

[geoff]

dear Stafford, sometimes you wonder when it is the time to pull the plug, because to try and help anybody with suffering from depression can be very frustrating and annoying, only because you can see that the person is always being negative, especially after being married for 30 odd years.

Isn't this the time when the married couple just get on with their own life and do what they want to do, knowing that their spouse won't want to join you in most activities, except for family oca

[Dwwmills]

Hello Stanford.

My wife and I’ve been married for 23 years. Probably 18 of
those I have had different levels of anxiety on and off. It has negatively
affected lots of areas in our life. My wife realised that she could not help me
and said as much. She decided to get on with her life and do things that she
enjoyed, if I wanted, I could join in but that was my choice. In the end she
said if you can’t sort it I’m not staying around to watch. She wasn’t nasty,
she was still caring, she still loved me but she wouldn’t let my anxiety ruin the
rest of her life. I had been in denial about my anxiety as it felt normal to
me. I could always find an excuse for why I was anxious or depressed. I had
been seeing a psychologist on and off for years but only engaging enough to
fill better for short periods of time.

The thought of her leaving, and I really did believe that
she would leave, was enough to make me take my anxiety seriously and accepted
as a mental health issue not as a situational problem.

Two years later things are much better. I took getting
better seriously and have tackled it daily. I have been on medication and
completely weaned off in that time. I run my own business, which my wife is not
involved in, but the turnover and profit has increased by 160% in the last six
months. This is solely due to tackling the anxiety. I can now put my energies
into my relationship with my wife and into my business rather than having them
wasted on negative thoughts and anxiety. Friends and family have commented
recently to my wife that I am a completely different person now. That I am the
person they knew years ago.

I don’t know what it is but as White Knight says, some event
or trigger changes the way we see our anxiety and from that point on we are totally
committed to ridding ourselves of anxiety or at least manage it. I wish I knew
how to work out what this trigger was for people. I’m sure it’s different for
everyone.

This is only my experience but I hope this is of some help
to you.

[Bluey_moon]

Omg, Dwwmills. That really hit home! 

How your wife feels, I imagine is someway to the way my husband feels! everytime he's had to reassure me I don't have MS, melanoma or scizophrenia (that I don't really beleive the paranoid thoughts I'm convincing myself I believe) 

but I want to change I really do I just don't know how.  I'm on meds, going to a psycologist, contacting beyond blue. 

Stafford, you deserve to feel the way you do! I would be terribly hard! It breaks my heart, cause  sure that's how my husband thinks! 

Skye