New and a bit lost...

[BC25]

Hi everyone. 

 Recently I discovered my boyfriend of 2.5 years has depression and anxiety. It all came to a head when I discovered the extent of his addictive behaviour, which was destroying our relationship. He immediately sought counselling, where his therapist mentioned the addictive behaviour being a coping mechanism for depression and anxiety. I feel so blind sided! How could I have been with someone so long and loved him so much and not even known how much he was struggling?? 

He has been continuing counselling which is making a large difference, and we both feel he is facing his demons. I am so proud of his hard work and dedication, but sometimes I feel very shut out and alone. It is just little things- if he is having a tough day, when we talk on his break at work, he is unresponsive and seems uninterested in my day. From what I can understand, that is like me asking someone who feels like they are drowning to show interest in my ordinary day at work, but nonetheless it can feel very lonely. 

Then there are other small things- if he does't feel his phone vibrate while he is at work, he starts thinking I don't love him and am angry and going to leave him, even if i have actually messaged him but he just hasn't felt his phone. I felt a bit overwhelmed hearing that- what am I meant to do to help him feel supported and loved? I understand this is distorted thinking on his behalf, and comes with the conditions, but it feels a bit exhausting to me. 

In summary, from what I have read/advice I have received from friends with depression, the best thing to do is just show him lots of love. Kind words, affection, and support. But is it wrong to feel a bit exhausted from continually doing this, and not always getting much back? He is going through one of the biggest events in his life right now, facing demons which have lay hidden for at least half of his life, but I'm not sure what I should expect back from him? I'm not a robot, and I still need affection and warmth and love too. Prior to this, we were extraordinarily affectionate with each other so I'm feeling a bit stranded.

This is all a bit vague, so sorry about that! I am just hoping to get a bit of an idea of what I should expect from him right now, and perhaps advice on how to be supportive and loving.

[Bluey_moon]

Hi BC25, 

I'm not sure how good my advice is but here I go. 

I have anxiety and some obsessive tendencies. 

Your post resonates with me as I'm sure this is how my husband sometimes feels! he is incredibly supportive but in the last few months has struggled. It breaks my heart! 

I guess I just get so so caught up in my worries (mostly irrational ones). That I don't even know I'm neglecting him and then there are the times I just want to be alone. 

It takes a lot of energy to fight your demons! 

There was a thing I read on face book recently about living with a person who has anxiety, I wish I could find it, it was so much better at explaining than me! 

Know he loves you! 

It must be so so hard for you, I think it is equally as hard on my husband as it is on me! Hang in there, if you can. It will get better. It sounds like he is getting great help. He is very blessed to have you! 

Skye

[Hypatia]

Hi BC,

It's great that you came here to talk, to get advice and to share. Caring and loving someone with mental illness is rough, and as you are finding, can be very lonely , maybe especially when that person is someone you are used to being so close to.

 Your situation sounds very like mine in some ways. My partner tried to hide his symptoms from me in the beginning - he would say he went to work when he didn't, for example. That was devastating, and while understanding about the depression, and having him trust me enough to share it with me, is much better in so many ways, in others it is very exhausting and yes, lonely.

The unresponsiveness that you are describing is very normal with depression, and yes, it isn't that he has lost interest in you, he's just trying really hard to stay afloat, and that takes his energy. Worrying irrationally about not being loved is also pretty par for the course - he feels unloveable, probably, so it seems inevitable to him that you will leave.

So, advice? Well, firstly, you do need to look after yourself. Start by letting yourself feel exhausted and upset with what you don't get from him. It's good to acknowledge that, and they are perfectly reasonable. I would also suggest getting your own support network into gear - sometimes when we are in close relationships, you let friendships drift. It might be good to make a little time to spend with friends, talk to family. It's not deserting him, but it will help you withstand his mood swings if you have other people to talk to as well. See your GP about a counsellor. Look up your local Carers group. This is a hard gig, and unfortunately, rarely a short-term thing, and you will need some support for the long haul.

They may also give you some tips to negotiate with your bf around things like texting and what affection you can expect. My partner and I have discussed simple things he can do to make me feel more supported - e.g. making a cuppa. We have an agreement, for example, that if I smile at him, he will at least try to smile back. I think sometimes this has stopped me throwing something across the room when the constant negativity is getting to me.

Finally, you can't fix him. Both of you will need to accept that. Bombard him with love - it will help - but it won't make the depression go away. His moods are not your fault. If he blames you for not texting enough, that's the disease talking. No matter what you do, he may still be depressed. So look after yourself.

Hugs!