Not sure what to do

[nic15]

Hi,

 I have been with my partner for over three years now and we have a young son who is nearly 18 months. When I first met my partner he told me he had had issues with depression and anxiety previously and had experienced a really bad episode. As I had not come across it before with other partners, I am sorry to say I did not think much of it at the time. 

 However since then we have located permanently to Australia and since then his depression/anxiety has flared up. He stopped medication when he met me which is a compliment however, it does not seem to be beneficial anymore. I would like to understand it more so that I can help him as right now I'm just feeling really frustrated. I am a solutions person so am trying to find someway to help him. He angers very quickly at the smallest of things and spends a great deal of time in bed or not doing a great deal. I feel as though I'm doing a lot of the housework and looking after our son myself and it has been this way for over a year now. I would like to be with him, but I am afraid for the health of our relationship and also our son. I would like to have another child with my partner however, at the moment I do not feel it is the best idea. I feel as though I cannot continue like this however, I also feel that I need to give it a bit more of a chance. As I've said I want to help I just don't know how and if I can. 

Thanks

[pipsy]

Hi nic15.  The first thing you have to understand is, there's nothing you can do.  You've obviously let him know you're 'there' for him, that's all you can do.  It's sad he's stopped his meds obviously he felt when he met you that he didn't need them anymore.  Perhaps he thought you would replace his need for them.  Quite often when we take meds over a long period of time because of some trauma, something happens to change our life and we think we're 'past' whatever caused the reason for the meds.  He sounds as though he's very depressed and needs help.  Have you discussed with him the possibility of going to a Dr/psych, to talk about whatever's troubling him?  If you have and he's 'dismissed' the whole topic, has he got a Dr you could talk to about the situation.  I understand your frustration, wanting to 'fix' the problem, but depression is so complex, quite often the most insignificant thing (to us) can be the catalyst to the sufferer.  You're right not have another child at this time, I think you do need to talk to a counsellor (for you) to get some advise on how best to deal with this situation.  Also, as I said, maybe talking to his Dr (if he has one) might give you some clues on how to deal with it.

Keep posting here too.  You need to know you are not alone.  There is help available for both of you, but he is the only one, really, who can do anything for him.  You can 'open doors' he has to be the one to 'walk through'.  Men, as I said in a previous post, don't often talk about what's bugging them.  They often don't how to reach out.  Patience is also the name of the game, sorry if that offends. 

[nic15]

Hi Pipsy

Thanks so much for your response - yes he is now seeing a phych who he has seen before. He has also suggested us both going to see his phych together so that perhaps I can provide more information about his episodes. However it might also be a good time to say how I feel. I know it will take time and I'm prepared for that, however, I also find that we need to find something to help him. He does seem better at the moment but then I guess that can change quickly. 

[White_Rose]

Dear Nic

Welcome to Beyond Blue. There is heaps of support here and people will tell their stories which is good as it shows you are not alone. Try reading some of the other posts, not just to know you are not alone, but to pick up tips from others.

I agree with Pipsy in general. It's good your partner is talking to a psych again and I think both of you going to see him/her is a great idea, providing of course that the psych agrees to this. In terms of preparation I suggest you write down what you want to ask or what you want to reveal. So often we walk out of situations and then remember important points we wanted to discuss. Frustrating!

For me I think your partner needs to commit to doing some chores around the house. Having been in the position of wanting to stay in bed I can understand how he feels. However it's good for him to get into the real world everyday, even for a short time. It will help him recover. Perhaps you could discuss with him and the psych how your partner can do this. Perhaps have a pact that he gets up, showered and dressed by 9:00 am and takes your son for walk, perhaps buying a few groceries if required. Or something like that.

You will also need strategies for what to do when he decides to ignore his commitment. Agreeing these with him and the psych means you are not the one setting goals and boundaries or nagging him to do things. He has agreed. These are helpful things to do but you must talk to the psych about when he cannot/will not keep his side of the bargain.

I feel I cannot advise you about increasing your family. This is something to discuss with your partner and perhaps with the psych. An additional child into the mix brings its own challenges, regardless of the health of the other family members. Sometimes it helps, sometimes not. It's worth discussing seriously and making a decision then.

Love to hear from you again.

Mary

[pipsy]

Hi there.  Please don't take offense to what I'm going to say, but while I basically agree with getting Nic's partner to agree to some commitments like arising at a certain time, taking child to school.  With depression, even that can be hard.  Nic herself is going to have to commit time with him to encourage him to 'get up'.  When a depressed person is alone, it's easier to 'pull the covers up', than face getting up.  Some people suffering with depression like to be around others, some find it difficult to participate in anything.  'Black dog' means just that.  You view the world as an uncaring, unloving place and you want no part of it.  If he is happy to have Nic working with him, helping him face the world, he will start to respond positively.  Going to the psych is a positive move.  If the psych agrees to Nic seeing him/her, that's also positive. 

All the best to them both. 

Hope you're not offended.