Desperate need of advice

[Loulabell]

I’m really in need of help. My boyfriend was diagnosed with
depression a few weeks ago after he finally agreed to get help. Since then of
course, (because of medications and psychology etc)  his mood has been up and down which has put a
major stress on our relationship. We have been together for about 2 and a half
years and ever since I have known him I believe he has always been depressed and had
a lot of issues due to his family life and upbringing.  I myself
have gone to get my own help to deal with all this and also from stress with
work as I work in mental health.  So he is
finally getting the help he needs after so many tears, anxiety attacks, nights
where I have worried about him so much.  He recently told me that he has decided he
doesn’t want to have kids, ever, or get married. He believes because of his
family history or schizophrenia and his depression, he doesn’t want to
reproduce. Of course this is absolutely devastating news to me as all I’ve
wanted in live is to have kids and get married. I went into the relationship
thinking that this was the case, which it was, until he says hes been thinking
this for 6 months and hes been afraid to tell me.

My problem I have is that I think it’s because he is still
in the early stages of actually getting help and he’s still tweaking his meds. But
he still says he is certain his mind won’t change about wanting kids and wants
me to know this. If this is certainly true then I have no choice but to leave
him and that sounds so awful considering what he’s going through. I don’t know how
much this depression has taken over his rational thinking and I just don’t know
what to do. I’m 28 and 29 next year and I know some people might think that’s young,
but I have my goals and ambitions and I just can’t hang for 5 years until he
changes his mind. I am absolutely devastated and I don’t want to go but how do
I know he’s for real if hes so depressed? I feel like he wants me to decide on our fate and he keeps saying he can't answer my question; "Do you see a future with me" as he thinks I need to answer that to him. He says hes trying not to push me away but I just think he wants me to end things because he can't. If anyone has gone though this or something similar any advice would be really helpful.

Thanks

[white knight]

Hi Loulabell, welcome

Yes, 1979-1984 this long relationship was one that I could not break away from a lady that had serious psychiatric issues. That I waited and waited for her to change her mind and marry me. The trauma, heartbreak and countless tears. I know how you feel.

You were right, waiting 5 years for him to (possibly) change his mind is illogical. The odds are against it. Be realistic, it is not going to happen.

This leaves you feeling (due to your age) somewhat desperate. However, in todays world of late pregnancies and assistance for same you are young really.

You need to be brave. His depression doesn't make him say things he doesn't mean. His reasons for not wanting a family is justified in his mind and at the top of his priorities as he has experienced mental illness sin his family all his life. He also wants love or at least affection and that's where his sadness in many ways comes from. He cant have both unless he finds a lady that doesn't want a family.

I've had 3 long term relationships of duration 6, 11, 10 and my latest is 5 years and going strong. It was shattering every time. But after a while I realised it was for the best. Time heals and eventually you'll be set on finding the love of your life and don't settle for anything less...My only advice on that topic is not to date a person for very long if they don't have the basics of your needs and suitability/compatibility.

Try to move on. After a few dates you'll start to enjoy the company of new people. Hopefully one that will sweep you off your feet.  One that will want to give you what you desire in life. A real two way love affair.

Tony WK

[geoff]

dearLoulabell, thanks for asking the question because for you it's an important issue, and what he has said goes against your own principles.

We do often say that 'it's depression saying this', but this doesn't apply to what everyone says, and especially as how your b/friend feels, so I have to agree with Tony.

You can't wait 5 years with the possibility of him not committing, because this will only make you anxious and possibly annoyed, and 5 years at your age is the time of your life, so don't waste it.

As you have posted the comment we address our answers back to you, so by saying that, we understand what he is going through, and feel sorry for him, but no one ever knows how long depression will last, and no one will ever know if he wants to change his mind, but you can't wait for him to make a decision, because at the moment his mind is made up.

Now you can't feel as though you need to stay with him, he will get the help he needs, but it's a journey which you don't want to embark on, because it's a rough one, so go and meet someone who loves you and wants children. Geoff. x

[Loulabell]

Thank you for your advice  White knight and Geoff. It's Defiantly a tough decision and I know what I need to do.
This wasn’t his views when we first got together and if they were (about not
having kids) I wouldn’t have stayed long. I just wasn’t sure if because he has
become so unwell lately he just wants to push everyone away, and I am literally
all he has (as far as I’m aware). Yes he’s finally engaging in support and that’s
great, I just feel like the worst person to leave him in the house all alone
now. I know it’s not my problem and he will just travel along ok but it just
seemed like things were finally coming together and then bang! (I know this is
not a relationship advice forum so I’ll stop my rant soon) we are back to this
low again. I appreciate the support and understand where everyone coming from. It’s
just such a shame that this illness can have a huge impact on someone who is
punishing themselves for having to live a tough family upbringing when he can
finally have a chance to have a happy family and life.

 I couldn’t fit in the other bits due to word limits but we were also renovating his house which put
stress on him and also letting his brother stay (who never pays and $$ for
rent, or pick up after himself or anything). He also has his own issues and my boyfriend’s
family put a lot of pressure on us for keeping him with us. Anyway, since my
boyfriend got help, they have been helping him with boundaries and assertiveness
which this situation which he has been putting into place with his brother. It
just seemed things were picking up, but anyway, as you have said, our goals don’t
match anymore so I’m beating a dead horse. It’s just a crappy situation
considering we booked and already paid for a trip to Thailand over Christmas.