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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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pete29 Just not getting through
  • replies: 3

I suffer with depression and have for many years now. The problem is my daughter is showing all the signs of Depressions, including refusing to accept it and she refuses to see or talk with anyone about it. She is 15yo. i am concerned, her school is ... View more

I suffer with depression and have for many years now. The problem is my daughter is showing all the signs of Depressions, including refusing to accept it and she refuses to see or talk with anyone about it. She is 15yo. i am concerned, her school is concerned and she is becoming impossible to deal with. She knows all the tricks to not do things including refusing to talk with a Pdoc. she now is virtually not doing any school work and they are (this is really bright) considering suspending her, an option that she likes the sound of. Her mother is not in the picture and we have no support around us. To get her to school is a matter of an hour of argument, which is wearing me out. Hellllp anyone? I need to find some way to deal with this. She needs help, but have run out ideas.

daisy50 12 yr old with anxiety
  • replies: 4

my 12 yr old son has generalised anxiety, particularly (emitophobia, fear of vomitting), since he was very unwell in hospital with a vomitting virus & dehydrated. he worries about food hygiene & checks use by dates consistantly, & asks re food qualit... View more

my 12 yr old son has generalised anxiety, particularly (emitophobia, fear of vomitting), since he was very unwell in hospital with a vomitting virus & dehydrated. he worries about food hygiene & checks use by dates consistantly, & asks re food quality. he doesnt like to be in a big crowd at school in case he gets sick. his psychologist has suggested medication (antidepressent) . Has anyone else experienced a child with anxiety mainly around becoming sick & vomitting?

IvorySea Bi-polar boyfriend, no danger to me but I need help
  • replies: 1

So my boyfriend and I have been dating for about three months now, and I knew very early on about his aggressive history of violence due to his bi-polar. He assured me that he has much better control and is no longer a risk to people, and that he'd n... View more

So my boyfriend and I have been dating for about three months now, and I knew very early on about his aggressive history of violence due to his bi-polar. He assured me that he has much better control and is no longer a risk to people, and that he'd never physically hurt me. I believed this, and I still do. He has never tried to be controlling or aggressive towards me, and has shown nothing but love and affection. I have endured my own serious mental illnesses, and we've gone through a lot together in such a short time and I'm so grateful for his unconditional love and support. However, he has been under a serious amount of stress lately that's just blind-sided him and is causing him to start cracking a bit. We were having an argument the other day (not uncommon at the moment as I can't always listen to reason), and I began yelling. He responded also with yelling and I obviously just went off and cried. He couldn't stop apologizing, saying he should never have yelled, that I didn't deserve it. We moved on and it was fine, until today (I was mostly in his room until otherwise mentioned). He and his mother have a horrid past together, and they were having a particularly bad argument today. She was mostly over-reacting about small things and was making attacks at him, his sister and me indirectly. Brandon is very protective of us, and will not take negative comments about us or himself well. So he snapped and they were just screaming at each other. I felt it would be awkward if I tried to intervene, but that left my mind when I heard his mother yell about a knife. I raced out of his room to see him standing over his mother with a large knife, to which I told him to stop. He eventually came to, and put it back. I felt so frightened to see someone I love do something like that. We had brief conversation about it today, and the gist is that he just wanted to 'intimidate' her, and had absolutely no intention of hurting her (he's a shit liar so I'd know if that was incorrect). He also said in no circumstance would he ever do that to me, and that it was brought on by whatever emotional abuse his mother gave him when he was young. I need advice because I want to stay with him, but is that stupid? I trust him to not hurt me but how do I help?

Calliekyle Child with anxiety
  • replies: 2

Hi I have a 12 year old daughter who has anxiety. It started in May when she had some medical issues and missed a lot of school. Those issues were resolved and we've had trouble getting her back to school since. She has been seeing a psychologist for... View more

Hi I have a 12 year old daughter who has anxiety. It started in May when she had some medical issues and missed a lot of school. Those issues were resolved and we've had trouble getting her back to school since. She has been seeing a psychologist for the past 6 weeks but I can't see a much improvement if any. Some days (usually weekends or afternoons) she is in a really good mood and other days she's screaming at me that she doesn't want to live. The psychologist she is seeing doesn't usually work with children but at the time all the child psychologists were booked up for weeks. Should she being seeing a child psychologist? It's starting to affect everyone. She does say she likes the psychologist she's seeing but I want to get her the best help. beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636. Normal 0 false false false EN-AU X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi; mso-fareast-language:EN-US;}

Rosalina Carer...feeling overwhelmed!
  • replies: 4

Hi everyone, I'm 21 years old and I am caring for my mother who has FMD. This is a chronic illness and as a result of a wrong diagnosis and several bypass surgeries, my mother's leg was amputated. Over the years the muscles in her arms and legs have ... View more

Hi everyone, I'm 21 years old and I am caring for my mother who has FMD. This is a chronic illness and as a result of a wrong diagnosis and several bypass surgeries, my mother's leg was amputated. Over the years the muscles in her arms and legs have basically wasted away to nothing, she sleeps a lot during the day because she's so tired, and does use her wheelchair more than her prosthetic leg. Mother became sick when I was 11 years old and my grandmother was originally her carer, however when I was 17 she passed away from cancer. So that's why I took over. She needs a lot of help with mobility and emotional support. Over the past few years her friends have drifted away, as for the extended family...my mother never really got along with them in the first place and we have no contact with them now. My father and mother do not talk..and...have a rather great dislike towards each other. I have friends I can talk to, but I feel like this is too personal and that they wouldn't understand anyway, because they haven't had the same experience. My mother understandably has depression, and the lack of socialising with others isn't helping. She feels too sick to go out, in fact she no longer even goes shopping with me ( an activity she liked to do throughout the week). She does cry because she feels lonely, and that she has no enjoyment in life besides watching tv or going on the internet. I've tried to get her involved in some art and craft activities and games to just take her mind off about how she's feeling. I've even suggested maybe she go online or on the phone and talk to someone about how she's feeling, or find people who are in similar situations to talk to. She won't have any of it. I don't know what to do to help her. Or how I can make her life any better, it's hard to hear her cry and just see her the way she is. My dad won't get involved which angers me. I feel like it won't get better no matter how much I try. In between this all I study, so I then have the stress of that as well, I don't get to socialise as much as I would like either, most of the time I'm at home with mum and I feel really isolated. I also feel selfish when I think about my own problems, like socialising or maybe even meeting someone. I haven't had a relationship in two and a half years, how can I have one if I'm looking after mum, how can I maybe one day have kids? Who would want to take on me and my situation? I'm worried that might never happen. I'm just so lost.

jCurve How do I handle an Ex who is admitted to hospital with Major Psychotic Depression?
  • replies: 2

So... this is my first post on this site although i've been doing some reading. I don't even know whether anyone will be in a similar position who can give some advice. My wife and I separated last year and she has Depression and has been admitted to... View more

So... this is my first post on this site although i've been doing some reading. I don't even know whether anyone will be in a similar position who can give some advice. My wife and I separated last year and she has Depression and has been admitted to hospital twice with Major Psychotic Depression in the last 5 years. I can't say that her depression lead to our separation on it's own but certainly some delusional thoughts have made the relationship unsalvageable. We have 2 young kids who we share custody of but it has taken a while for my ex to get settled as we have come out of some very bad financial circumstances. She almost lost her job and has had a lot of stress mounting which has finally tipped her over. I was called tonight with the news that she was back in hospital. I care for her greatly even though she does not really recognise it. I desperately want her to be alright not just for her but for our kids and life moving forward. The last 2 times she was in hospital i was always there covering every need. This time however we are separated. She has no one else other than some friends and her mother who lives in another state. I am looking after the kids by myself and have been for a while and i don't think it's wise to let them see her like this at their age. I desperately want to help but we a separated and i feel like i should be keeping some distance. I feel like, while i am very worried, she needs to get through this without my help if she is going to learn to move forward on her own. even writing those words feels wrong but, is it? Of course i am helping things here and there like looking after the dog, feeding the cat and bringing in some toiletries etc. I am very concerned about her financial security and her job as it was causing stress in the lead up and i'm sure she will still be working about it. The doctors have her on meds and at least this time she isn't in lock down which is a good thing. I am just struggling with how close i get to this. Given that while i will always care about her, she needs to believe she can get through this without me. There is every chance that she may see this post and not be over the moon about me detailing our circumstances but, I just have no idea how to handle this so that everything turns out for the best. I know there are no solid answers however, hopefully someone has lived through a mess like this and found happiness at the end. Thanks J

pete29 How to deal with teenage depression
  • replies: 2

I'm a single dad with 1 daughter. My 15 yo daughter has been diagnosed with Aspergers and anxiety and due to the cruelty of kids, she was bullied from yr3 - yr 9 and suffers depression due to this. She had been on medication for about 6 years for the... View more

I'm a single dad with 1 daughter. My 15 yo daughter has been diagnosed with Aspergers and anxiety and due to the cruelty of kids, she was bullied from yr3 - yr 9 and suffers depression due to this. She had been on medication for about 6 years for the Aspergers and anxiety and now she refuses to take it. She has stopped going to school regularly and every morning we have a argument to get her to school. She doesn't do her work at homework, and won't do any chores. She locks herself in her room and watches you tube. She has very little self confidence, which her mother has made worse in the way she reacts t her. My ex ran out on us with a childhood sweetheart. She doesn't attempt to interact with her school friends, which are a limited number, and although they adore her, her lack of interaction at times does put a strain on things. She used to love school but this was eroded away over the years and has culminated in her just not interested in going. She is bright and could do well at school if she could get interested again. She is in Year 10 at school so this is an important year for her. I try and get her to see that she hasn't got much longer until she is finished and that she needs to go to school, otherwise she will not be able to find a job, but she doesn't care. She knows I will always be there for her. When I ask her for help, it is like getting blood from a stone, and only lasts 5 mins. All I asking of her is to go back to school, finish year 12, we are not making her do her HSC because of the pressure this can cause, and are looking at TAFE subjects she chose starting next year. I do not put pressure on her for high grades. She has been to a number of councillors and Psychologists, but she just refuses to open up to them. This is one of the biggest problems, as anyone who knows about D you need someone you will talk to, but she doesn't open up to anyone. I am less concerned with her schooling at this point though. I know if her depression goes unchecked nothing else will matter and choices she makes, or doesn't make may well ruin her life. I am taking her to her Doctor today about her Depression, but she doesn't even acknowledge she has a problem, and the doctor will struggle to be able to get enough from her to understand how serious this is becoming in her hiding away from life. Does anyone have any ideas for getting through to her and getting her to accept she needs help.

Syma Family member suffering depression and anxiety and we don't know how to help
  • replies: 2

Hi All,I am brand new to this forum and website so apologies if this has been asked before (I'm sure it has!)We've just learnt that my 20yr old brother is severely depressed and has spoken about suicide. As soon as we found out this week we went to h... View more

Hi All,I am brand new to this forum and website so apologies if this has been asked before (I'm sure it has!)We've just learnt that my 20yr old brother is severely depressed and has spoken about suicide. As soon as we found out this week we went to his house and brought him home (he lives in a different state), he reluctantly came with us but continued to tell us that we've ruined his life and have made everything worse by coming to his house and also by bringing him home.He has been calling our mother every week in tears saying how much he hates his life and the person he has become, his self esteem is at rock bottom. He also seems crippled by indecision and it seems his thoughts are on a loop - one minute he's saying he doesn't know what to do and then he continues refusing our suggestions and help and it continues to repeat all day. I can't imagine what it's like to be in his head right now, it's heart breaking to see him spend whole days just staring into space.I know it's probably a long road to recovery and I think (hope!) we've done the right thing by bringing him home, despite his protesting. I can't stand the idea of him being all alone in this situation and being so far away from us.Does anyone have any suggestions on steps to handle this situation? Should we continue to try and take him to see a doctor or should we just wait for him to come to us when he feels ready? Right now we're focusing on trying to feed him as he hasn't been eating, trying to get him out into the sunshine, and making sure he knows we're here for him.Any and all advice appreciated, this is a totally new situation to me and our poor mum is struggling with it big time as he's laying all the blame on her for everything.Thanks for reading and all advice appreciated. beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

HeartbrokenWife How can I tell if husband is coming out of depression??
  • replies: 4

Hey there everyone, my husband has been battling depression in denial for 8 months or so now. He has completely distanced himself from me and our children, blaming us for his unhappiness. Yet the last week or two his demeanor has changed a little in ... View more

Hey there everyone, my husband has been battling depression in denial for 8 months or so now. He has completely distanced himself from me and our children, blaming us for his unhappiness. Yet the last week or two his demeanor has changed a little in some ways (but not in others) towards us. i was just wondering from those who have gotten through an episode of depression, or partners of those who have, how can I tell if the fog is beginning to lift and he's coming out of it? Is it all of a sudden how it came on? Or a slow, gradual process? What behavioral signs and changes would I most likely see first? Any personal experiences and opinions would be greatly appreciated!

pollypossum Marriage counselling with husband who is severely depressed Yes or No?
  • replies: 9

I love my husband very much, currently he is struggling with major depression. I too have a history of depression so i do have some insight as to what he must be going through but find myself so unequipped and unable to help. For the last two weeks h... View more

I love my husband very much, currently he is struggling with major depression. I too have a history of depression so i do have some insight as to what he must be going through but find myself so unequipped and unable to help. For the last two weeks he's has stopped coming home he's sleeps on friends couches and dose not to be with me or with our 3 children which is extremely difficult. - Im looking for some help, assistance and advice. As a loving wife what can i do to save my marriage, save my husband provide and meet the needs of my children. Should i try to attend marriage counselling with my husband. Has anyone had a similar experience ? what is recommended ?