How do I handle an Ex who is admitted to hospital with Major Psychotic Depression?

[jCurve]

So... this is my first post on this site although i've been doing some reading. I don't even know whether anyone will be in a similar position who can give some advice.

My wife and I separated last year and she has Depression and has been admitted to hospital twice with Major Psychotic Depression in the last 5 years.

I can't say that her depression lead to our separation on it's own but certainly some delusional thoughts have made the relationship unsalvageable. We have 2 young kids who we share custody of but it has taken a while for my ex to get settled as we have come out of some very bad financial circumstances. She almost lost her job and has had a lot of stress mounting which has finally tipped her over. I was called tonight with the news that she was back in hospital.

I care for her greatly even though she does not really recognise it. I desperately want her to be alright not just for her but for our kids and life moving forward. The last 2 times she was in hospital i was always there covering every need. This time however we are separated. She has no one else other than some friends and her mother who lives in another state. I am looking after the kids by myself and have been for a while and i don't think it's wise to let them see her like this at their age. I desperately want to help but we a separated and i feel like i should be keeping some distance. I feel like, while i am very worried, she needs to get through this without my help if she is going to learn to move forward on her own. even writing those words feels wrong but, is it?

Of course i am helping things here and there like looking after the dog, feeding the cat and bringing in some toiletries etc. I am very concerned about her financial security and her job as it was causing stress in the lead up and i'm sure she will still be working about it.

The doctors have her on meds and at least this time she isn't in lock down which is a good thing. I am just struggling with how close i get to this. Given that while i will always care about her, she needs to believe she can get through this without me.

There is every chance that she may see this post and not be over the moon about me detailing our circumstances but, I just have no idea how to handle this so that everything turns out for the best.

I know there are no solid answers however, hopefully someone has lived through a mess like this and found happiness at the end.

Thanks

J

[trustlife]

Hi jCurve,

Let's hope she does see this post, which by the way was very well written. Given the sensitive nature of your position I thought you not only worded it well but you hit on a few points that could well be the answer for you.

She does need to get through this without your help simply because together she 'succumbed' to this depression. You have a new set of priorities now with the children. Who knows, but in the future you may get back together, but right now the children need strength. Your care for her will not diminish but something else now needs to instigate a change in her.  That may sound cruel, but as soon as she understands that you are getting your priorities right I think that will give her a spark and perhaps a jump start. Focus on the end product where her health is perfect and you can see her running around with her children laughing. Understandably, I can bet your focus is fear, pressure, tension and uncertainty. It this response was to be of any use to you (or her) take that bit of advice. Focus on the children, the best outcome and start feeling better in yourself.

[geoff]

dear jCurve, thanks for joining the forum, but understand the circumstances which you are dealing with.

There have been a couple of valid points mentioned already, and the first is by you 'she needs to get through this without my help if she is going to learn to move forward on her own', and the second is by Trustlife who says ' but something else now needs to instigate a change in her', both entirely true, because this is certainly one way to definitely cope with your depression, to accept another direction, why, because if you stay on the same path which their depression is holding them back on, then nothing will really change, it will only be a struggle which will continue on, however sometimes we can stay on the same path and overcome this illness, but the chances of falling back into it are more likely than if you change direction.

Don't get me wrong when I say all of this, because we normally indicate to people suffering, sort help from their family and/or friends to get them through this ordeal.

What I have said may sound confusing, but the problem you are faced with is that you have to try and convince her that this is what she should be trying to achieve, and that's the hard part.

There is also another worry here that when people go to hospital for a couple of days, they maybe feeling better, because she doesn't have to answer phone calls, go shopping, take kids to school and cook meals, but as soon as they get home, everything returns to how it was once before, so the cycle goes around and around.

I do hope that she stays on the medication, but how are you to know, and there is no mention of her seeing a psychologist, which would be a good idea and to be set up by her doctor.

Please keep in contact with us. Geoff.