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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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pete29 How to deal with teenage depression
  • replies: 2

I'm a single dad with 1 daughter. My 15 yo daughter has been diagnosed with Aspergers and anxiety and due to the cruelty of kids, she was bullied from yr3 - yr 9 and suffers depression due to this. She had been on medication for about 6 years for the... View more

I'm a single dad with 1 daughter. My 15 yo daughter has been diagnosed with Aspergers and anxiety and due to the cruelty of kids, she was bullied from yr3 - yr 9 and suffers depression due to this. She had been on medication for about 6 years for the Aspergers and anxiety and now she refuses to take it. She has stopped going to school regularly and every morning we have a argument to get her to school. She doesn't do her work at homework, and won't do any chores. She locks herself in her room and watches you tube. She has very little self confidence, which her mother has made worse in the way she reacts t her. My ex ran out on us with a childhood sweetheart. She doesn't attempt to interact with her school friends, which are a limited number, and although they adore her, her lack of interaction at times does put a strain on things. She used to love school but this was eroded away over the years and has culminated in her just not interested in going. She is bright and could do well at school if she could get interested again. She is in Year 10 at school so this is an important year for her. I try and get her to see that she hasn't got much longer until she is finished and that she needs to go to school, otherwise she will not be able to find a job, but she doesn't care. She knows I will always be there for her. When I ask her for help, it is like getting blood from a stone, and only lasts 5 mins. All I asking of her is to go back to school, finish year 12, we are not making her do her HSC because of the pressure this can cause, and are looking at TAFE subjects she chose starting next year. I do not put pressure on her for high grades. She has been to a number of councillors and Psychologists, but she just refuses to open up to them. This is one of the biggest problems, as anyone who knows about D you need someone you will talk to, but she doesn't open up to anyone. I am less concerned with her schooling at this point though. I know if her depression goes unchecked nothing else will matter and choices she makes, or doesn't make may well ruin her life. I am taking her to her Doctor today about her Depression, but she doesn't even acknowledge she has a problem, and the doctor will struggle to be able to get enough from her to understand how serious this is becoming in her hiding away from life. Does anyone have any ideas for getting through to her and getting her to accept she needs help.

Syma Family member suffering depression and anxiety and we don't know how to help
  • replies: 2

Hi All,I am brand new to this forum and website so apologies if this has been asked before (I'm sure it has!)We've just learnt that my 20yr old brother is severely depressed and has spoken about suicide. As soon as we found out this week we went to h... View more

Hi All,I am brand new to this forum and website so apologies if this has been asked before (I'm sure it has!)We've just learnt that my 20yr old brother is severely depressed and has spoken about suicide. As soon as we found out this week we went to his house and brought him home (he lives in a different state), he reluctantly came with us but continued to tell us that we've ruined his life and have made everything worse by coming to his house and also by bringing him home.He has been calling our mother every week in tears saying how much he hates his life and the person he has become, his self esteem is at rock bottom. He also seems crippled by indecision and it seems his thoughts are on a loop - one minute he's saying he doesn't know what to do and then he continues refusing our suggestions and help and it continues to repeat all day. I can't imagine what it's like to be in his head right now, it's heart breaking to see him spend whole days just staring into space.I know it's probably a long road to recovery and I think (hope!) we've done the right thing by bringing him home, despite his protesting. I can't stand the idea of him being all alone in this situation and being so far away from us.Does anyone have any suggestions on steps to handle this situation? Should we continue to try and take him to see a doctor or should we just wait for him to come to us when he feels ready? Right now we're focusing on trying to feed him as he hasn't been eating, trying to get him out into the sunshine, and making sure he knows we're here for him.Any and all advice appreciated, this is a totally new situation to me and our poor mum is struggling with it big time as he's laying all the blame on her for everything.Thanks for reading and all advice appreciated. beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

HeartbrokenWife How can I tell if husband is coming out of depression??
  • replies: 4

Hey there everyone, my husband has been battling depression in denial for 8 months or so now. He has completely distanced himself from me and our children, blaming us for his unhappiness. Yet the last week or two his demeanor has changed a little in ... View more

Hey there everyone, my husband has been battling depression in denial for 8 months or so now. He has completely distanced himself from me and our children, blaming us for his unhappiness. Yet the last week or two his demeanor has changed a little in some ways (but not in others) towards us. i was just wondering from those who have gotten through an episode of depression, or partners of those who have, how can I tell if the fog is beginning to lift and he's coming out of it? Is it all of a sudden how it came on? Or a slow, gradual process? What behavioral signs and changes would I most likely see first? Any personal experiences and opinions would be greatly appreciated!

pollypossum Marriage counselling with husband who is severely depressed Yes or No?
  • replies: 9

I love my husband very much, currently he is struggling with major depression. I too have a history of depression so i do have some insight as to what he must be going through but find myself so unequipped and unable to help. For the last two weeks h... View more

I love my husband very much, currently he is struggling with major depression. I too have a history of depression so i do have some insight as to what he must be going through but find myself so unequipped and unable to help. For the last two weeks he's has stopped coming home he's sleeps on friends couches and dose not to be with me or with our 3 children which is extremely difficult. - Im looking for some help, assistance and advice. As a loving wife what can i do to save my marriage, save my husband provide and meet the needs of my children. Should i try to attend marriage counselling with my husband. Has anyone had a similar experience ? what is recommended ?

Internal_Scream Bi-Polar partner left because I couldnt my frustrations which lead to anger.
  • replies: 1

HI All, Just signed up, so no idea what I'm doing. Hope I'm in the right place. My partner of 13 years has gone on a holiday to visit friends. I am looking after our 2 beautiful daughters whilst she is gone. Three days after leaving, she decided to t... View more

HI All, Just signed up, so no idea what I'm doing. Hope I'm in the right place. My partner of 13 years has gone on a holiday to visit friends. I am looking after our 2 beautiful daughters whilst she is gone. Three days after leaving, she decided to tell me she was leaving me. To me, it was unexpected. I know the reason is my inability to deal with the more extreme limits of her Bi-Polar, meaning that when she become extremely manic, abusive and sometimes even violent, I wouldn't cope well at all. firstly I would start by trying to get her to calm down, which she generally didn't like because she obviously felt the need to be heard. Sometimes we could both feel the build-up of an episode" coming, but generally, she went from "normal" to "psycho" without warning. Even over simple things. Now I'm not going to pretend to be a saint because a lot of the time, I was foolish enough to return the abuse and on a few occasions, the violence. Nothing very serious, but very concerning nonetheless. Now if by some miracle she does decide to let me back into her heart, can anybody a) recommend any techniques that have worked for them to be able to remain calm and subjective in these conflict situations or b) any good organisations or professionals who have been able to give ongoing counselling or support to equip me with the tools to better deal with these situations? Thankyou in advance if you can be bothered replying to someone as low as me. I know my nic is Internal Scream, but I am going to sign off as Confused and Extremely Broken-hearted.

carer1 realisation
  • replies: 2

what do you do when you come to the realisation that you have no rights and no future?? Carers like me have cared for so many years done so much with little or nothing. not recognised as workers so we dont have superannuation, too much money coming i... View more

what do you do when you come to the realisation that you have no rights and no future?? Carers like me have cared for so many years done so much with little or nothing. not recognised as workers so we dont have superannuation, too much money coming in ( ha ha ) cos expenses like wheelchairs /orthotics etc arent included. so u dont qualify for govt housing. carers health deteriorates but who cares. you cant look forward to the future cos there isnt one. age 55 theres no retirement etc.

a6814 Finding it hard to be there for my boyfriend ...
  • replies: 1

Hey guys, this is my first time posting so here goes ! Me and my bf have been together for 3.5 years now - we are 19. Throughout our time together he has had depression over the winter months and completely changes between April and October. We have ... View more

Hey guys, this is my first time posting so here goes ! Me and my bf have been together for 3.5 years now - we are 19. Throughout our time together he has had depression over the winter months and completely changes between April and October. We have defiantly had our up and downs but somehow we manage to get through. We have broken up before but something has always brought us back together and we always end up stronger. However this year it has been horribly worse than normal... After summer this year I thought the depression had gone away for good because everything just seemed perfect between us! When he started feeling anxious he started to speak to his councillor at college and I told him that he should see a psychologist - which he now goes to once a week and has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety Usually he becomes really distant throughout his depressed period and we don't talk as much, but this is the first year he hasn't done that and I've been there the whole time. This has led to many arguments especially me upset because I miss the 'old him'.This year has been really crazy for us both, we both started uni and I have a new group, which he doesn't have because when he is like this he finds it really hard to socialise and make new friends. His whole routine has changed this year and I know he is really struggling. Anyway he has become really jealous of me and my new friendships although I have tried non-stop to try and include him, he just doesn't feel comfortable which makes it hard. The depression is always the worst in July and this is where it all went down-hill for us this year ... I recently found out that he cheated on me with another girl after going to her house one night. This is not like him at all and I knew it was the depression that made it happen because I know how much he cares and loves me. My heart was completely shattered and we met up to talk and i've never seen him so angry/upset/disappointed in himself. We still talk and see each other because under the relationship we were best friends, but I can just tell sometimes its the depression talking. He still says he cares and misses me and how sorry he is, but I don't know how I will ever be able to trust him the same again after this I still have feelings for him and I have since day 1, even though his depressive episodes I've constantly been there to support and love him. Im really not sure what to do from here.. Does anyone have a similar situation?

Dragonfly15 School refusal in my Yr 7 student
  • replies: 5

Hi there I would really appreciate some advice or suggestions from parents who have been through this My daughter has not been to school on a regular basis since Term 2 this year. She does suffer from mild anxiety and she sees a counsellor The school... View more

Hi there I would really appreciate some advice or suggestions from parents who have been through this My daughter has not been to school on a regular basis since Term 2 this year. She does suffer from mild anxiety and she sees a counsellor The school has been very accommodating and only expects her to turn up to school so she can go into Year 8 They have given her a modified learning plan We are all bending over backwards to make it possible for her to succeed but she won't do anything to help herself and refuses to go for even a couple of hours a day. it' s really hard to stand by and watch her make things so much harder for herself. just don't know what to do

realestate_1990 My Girlfriend is suffering from depression & I don't know what to do
  • replies: 2

Hi there, my girlfriend suffers from depression, and she has recently turned really cold, and has been pushing me away and snapping at me regularly. She has just started a new job and has been avoiding speaking to me & never wants to see me. She has ... View more

Hi there, my girlfriend suffers from depression, and she has recently turned really cold, and has been pushing me away and snapping at me regularly. She has just started a new job and has been avoiding speaking to me & never wants to see me. She has been suffering from depression for a number of years and in the past 6 months has gone off her anti-depression medication cold turkey. She is acting strange and always hot & cold. Yesterday she told me she loved me more than she's ever loved anyone, but then today she told me she just doesn't love me anymore. I don't know what to do, because I'm not sure if it's just the depression talking, or if she really just doesn't love me. I want to help her, but I'm not sure how too, or how not too. I don't know if I need to just walk away and leave her be, or if I need to keep pushing & standing by her. She doesn't have supportive parents, who do not approve of her being gay, and this also makes it harder. She doesn't have many good & close friends around her, and has recently started a new full time job. Please help me, if anyone has been through something similar, I'm so confused & feel so lost. I love her more than anything & just want to help her.

Tiggy Not sure on next step for our family.
  • replies: 7

My partner was in a car accident and as a child had a mentally abusive parent. Since the accident he has suffered PTSD, depression and addiction. Throughout his sickness he has had agressive behaviour (no physical abuse), has been addicted to pharmac... View more

My partner was in a car accident and as a child had a mentally abusive parent. Since the accident he has suffered PTSD, depression and addiction. Throughout his sickness he has had agressive behaviour (no physical abuse), has been addicted to pharmaceuticals and synthetic pot, has taken a lot of our money and has hocked some of our things. He has also attempted suicide. He chatted with women online (later explaining he was lonely and thought he'd gone too far and we were through). He wants to get better and wants to go to rehab and is staying at his parents (no other choice) until a space is available. There is still a bit if a waiting list. Ive told him that I love the person he is underneath and want him to get help so we can then try to reconsile. Prior to the accident he was a loving gentle person. My dilema is that his parents are now blaming me for how things are, saying that they don't want to get in the middle of our issues (?I don't even see how it is in anyway my fault as I am doing my best to keep their son alive and sheild our child from his behaviour. Ive done my best to only tell them what they need to know such as if he slipped up on a visit or to check what money/medication he had on him etc.) They also had a go at me for not giving them enough money to help with his living expenses (I have given some but I am currently struggling as our debt is extensive thanks to his drug addiction. I am effectively a single parent trying to support our child and him.... They are saying if I don't want him here with me then he needs to get a flat. If he's force away from there he will surely go back to drugs and self harm. I can't have him back here as he isn't strong enough to handle his addiction (he has no access to any shops out where his folks live) recently on a visit he got angry when we had a disagreement and he threw a toy and chipped our bench. He needs help but I can't help him anymore than I am. I'm at the end of my tether . Id love to hear any advise or hear from anyone who can relate. I'm trying hard not to give up hope but the lying and disrespecting is going to be hard to forgive. I am holding out for rehab as i want to give him every chance and don't want him to self harm as I feel he will if I leave him. I have hopes for the future and know he can beat this because he does want to and is trying. I feel very trapped and am constantly trying to keep the peace, walk on eggshells and do right by others.... very draining.