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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Internal_Scream Bi-Polar partner left because I couldnt my frustrations which lead to anger.
  • replies: 1

HI All, Just signed up, so no idea what I'm doing. Hope I'm in the right place. My partner of 13 years has gone on a holiday to visit friends. I am looking after our 2 beautiful daughters whilst she is gone. Three days after leaving, she decided to t... View more

HI All, Just signed up, so no idea what I'm doing. Hope I'm in the right place. My partner of 13 years has gone on a holiday to visit friends. I am looking after our 2 beautiful daughters whilst she is gone. Three days after leaving, she decided to tell me she was leaving me. To me, it was unexpected. I know the reason is my inability to deal with the more extreme limits of her Bi-Polar, meaning that when she become extremely manic, abusive and sometimes even violent, I wouldn't cope well at all. firstly I would start by trying to get her to calm down, which she generally didn't like because she obviously felt the need to be heard. Sometimes we could both feel the build-up of an episode" coming, but generally, she went from "normal" to "psycho" without warning. Even over simple things. Now I'm not going to pretend to be a saint because a lot of the time, I was foolish enough to return the abuse and on a few occasions, the violence. Nothing very serious, but very concerning nonetheless. Now if by some miracle she does decide to let me back into her heart, can anybody a) recommend any techniques that have worked for them to be able to remain calm and subjective in these conflict situations or b) any good organisations or professionals who have been able to give ongoing counselling or support to equip me with the tools to better deal with these situations? Thankyou in advance if you can be bothered replying to someone as low as me. I know my nic is Internal Scream, but I am going to sign off as Confused and Extremely Broken-hearted.

carer1 realisation
  • replies: 2

what do you do when you come to the realisation that you have no rights and no future?? Carers like me have cared for so many years done so much with little or nothing. not recognised as workers so we dont have superannuation, too much money coming i... View more

what do you do when you come to the realisation that you have no rights and no future?? Carers like me have cared for so many years done so much with little or nothing. not recognised as workers so we dont have superannuation, too much money coming in ( ha ha ) cos expenses like wheelchairs /orthotics etc arent included. so u dont qualify for govt housing. carers health deteriorates but who cares. you cant look forward to the future cos there isnt one. age 55 theres no retirement etc.

a6814 Finding it hard to be there for my boyfriend ...
  • replies: 1

Hey guys, this is my first time posting so here goes ! Me and my bf have been together for 3.5 years now - we are 19. Throughout our time together he has had depression over the winter months and completely changes between April and October. We have ... View more

Hey guys, this is my first time posting so here goes ! Me and my bf have been together for 3.5 years now - we are 19. Throughout our time together he has had depression over the winter months and completely changes between April and October. We have defiantly had our up and downs but somehow we manage to get through. We have broken up before but something has always brought us back together and we always end up stronger. However this year it has been horribly worse than normal... After summer this year I thought the depression had gone away for good because everything just seemed perfect between us! When he started feeling anxious he started to speak to his councillor at college and I told him that he should see a psychologist - which he now goes to once a week and has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety Usually he becomes really distant throughout his depressed period and we don't talk as much, but this is the first year he hasn't done that and I've been there the whole time. This has led to many arguments especially me upset because I miss the 'old him'.This year has been really crazy for us both, we both started uni and I have a new group, which he doesn't have because when he is like this he finds it really hard to socialise and make new friends. His whole routine has changed this year and I know he is really struggling. Anyway he has become really jealous of me and my new friendships although I have tried non-stop to try and include him, he just doesn't feel comfortable which makes it hard. The depression is always the worst in July and this is where it all went down-hill for us this year ... I recently found out that he cheated on me with another girl after going to her house one night. This is not like him at all and I knew it was the depression that made it happen because I know how much he cares and loves me. My heart was completely shattered and we met up to talk and i've never seen him so angry/upset/disappointed in himself. We still talk and see each other because under the relationship we were best friends, but I can just tell sometimes its the depression talking. He still says he cares and misses me and how sorry he is, but I don't know how I will ever be able to trust him the same again after this I still have feelings for him and I have since day 1, even though his depressive episodes I've constantly been there to support and love him. Im really not sure what to do from here.. Does anyone have a similar situation?

Dragonfly15 School refusal in my Yr 7 student
  • replies: 5

Hi there I would really appreciate some advice or suggestions from parents who have been through this My daughter has not been to school on a regular basis since Term 2 this year. She does suffer from mild anxiety and she sees a counsellor The school... View more

Hi there I would really appreciate some advice or suggestions from parents who have been through this My daughter has not been to school on a regular basis since Term 2 this year. She does suffer from mild anxiety and she sees a counsellor The school has been very accommodating and only expects her to turn up to school so she can go into Year 8 They have given her a modified learning plan We are all bending over backwards to make it possible for her to succeed but she won't do anything to help herself and refuses to go for even a couple of hours a day. it' s really hard to stand by and watch her make things so much harder for herself. just don't know what to do

realestate_1990 My Girlfriend is suffering from depression & I don't know what to do
  • replies: 2

Hi there, my girlfriend suffers from depression, and she has recently turned really cold, and has been pushing me away and snapping at me regularly. She has just started a new job and has been avoiding speaking to me & never wants to see me. She has ... View more

Hi there, my girlfriend suffers from depression, and she has recently turned really cold, and has been pushing me away and snapping at me regularly. She has just started a new job and has been avoiding speaking to me & never wants to see me. She has been suffering from depression for a number of years and in the past 6 months has gone off her anti-depression medication cold turkey. She is acting strange and always hot & cold. Yesterday she told me she loved me more than she's ever loved anyone, but then today she told me she just doesn't love me anymore. I don't know what to do, because I'm not sure if it's just the depression talking, or if she really just doesn't love me. I want to help her, but I'm not sure how too, or how not too. I don't know if I need to just walk away and leave her be, or if I need to keep pushing & standing by her. She doesn't have supportive parents, who do not approve of her being gay, and this also makes it harder. She doesn't have many good & close friends around her, and has recently started a new full time job. Please help me, if anyone has been through something similar, I'm so confused & feel so lost. I love her more than anything & just want to help her.

Tiggy Not sure on next step for our family.
  • replies: 7

My partner was in a car accident and as a child had a mentally abusive parent. Since the accident he has suffered PTSD, depression and addiction. Throughout his sickness he has had agressive behaviour (no physical abuse), has been addicted to pharmac... View more

My partner was in a car accident and as a child had a mentally abusive parent. Since the accident he has suffered PTSD, depression and addiction. Throughout his sickness he has had agressive behaviour (no physical abuse), has been addicted to pharmaceuticals and synthetic pot, has taken a lot of our money and has hocked some of our things. He has also attempted suicide. He chatted with women online (later explaining he was lonely and thought he'd gone too far and we were through). He wants to get better and wants to go to rehab and is staying at his parents (no other choice) until a space is available. There is still a bit if a waiting list. Ive told him that I love the person he is underneath and want him to get help so we can then try to reconsile. Prior to the accident he was a loving gentle person. My dilema is that his parents are now blaming me for how things are, saying that they don't want to get in the middle of our issues (?I don't even see how it is in anyway my fault as I am doing my best to keep their son alive and sheild our child from his behaviour. Ive done my best to only tell them what they need to know such as if he slipped up on a visit or to check what money/medication he had on him etc.) They also had a go at me for not giving them enough money to help with his living expenses (I have given some but I am currently struggling as our debt is extensive thanks to his drug addiction. I am effectively a single parent trying to support our child and him.... They are saying if I don't want him here with me then he needs to get a flat. If he's force away from there he will surely go back to drugs and self harm. I can't have him back here as he isn't strong enough to handle his addiction (he has no access to any shops out where his folks live) recently on a visit he got angry when we had a disagreement and he threw a toy and chipped our bench. He needs help but I can't help him anymore than I am. I'm at the end of my tether . Id love to hear any advise or hear from anyone who can relate. I'm trying hard not to give up hope but the lying and disrespecting is going to be hard to forgive. I am holding out for rehab as i want to give him every chance and don't want him to self harm as I feel he will if I leave him. I have hopes for the future and know he can beat this because he does want to and is trying. I feel very trapped and am constantly trying to keep the peace, walk on eggshells and do right by others.... very draining.

Etta Carer
  • replies: 2

Hi every one I'm a full time carer for my mum who is 73 she has a range of mental issues as well as health issues I just don't know what to do any more I feel lost I have no life I go no where with out her I do nothing with out her She constantly tel... View more

Hi every one I'm a full time carer for my mum who is 73 she has a range of mental issues as well as health issues I just don't know what to do any more I feel lost I have no life I go no where with out her I do nothing with out her She constantly tells me I don't do anything for her and I feel everything I do for her is unappreciated and never good enough. I have no friends left because they all gradually went away because of my mum. I feel worth less and and depressed all the time I have 3 other sisters and one brother and not one of them ever help in any way but they are constantly telling people that they do help and even have the Gaul to tell people there helping me as well . Some times I just wish I would fade away but I have a 21 year old son who loves me and needs me so I stay strong for him but I don't know how much longer I can put up with this life and even if I still want to beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Livingdeadgirl He loves me, He loves me not???
  • replies: 1

I'm not entirely sure where to begin so maybe I should start by saying "hi". I'm the 'new guy' (or girl lol) and I'm here because my boyfriend of 2 years has been suffering from debilitating depression and i'm not sure where else to turn. B and I cli... View more

I'm not entirely sure where to begin so maybe I should start by saying "hi". I'm the 'new guy' (or girl lol) and I'm here because my boyfriend of 2 years has been suffering from debilitating depression and i'm not sure where else to turn. B and I clicked since the day we met and almost fell in love with each other instantly. We moved in together after only six months and have lived happily ever after since. That's not to say that we haven't had our problems along the way because we have but we have always seemed to work things out respectfully and together as a team. In the early days of our relationship 'B' disclosed that he had depression and explained that it was a condition he felt he had for a very long time or for the most part of his life. I supported him with his disclosure and have been there for him every day since. i did help him seek professional advice from a GP who prescribed him an antidepressant which he has been taking for over 12 months now. I feel that he is a lot better than what he was but still has very serious and frequent bouts of depression that last for up to 8 days at a time. In his depressed state he becomes very lifeless and withdrawn, he sleeps a lot or not much at all, has trouble thinking, looses his appetite and interest in EVERYTHING including me. This is the part where I struggle the most. He looks at me differently and without the sparkle in his eye. He reports that when he is in this state he is unable to feel love and attraction and our sex life just disappears which is really taking its toll and starting to affect my confidence and self-esteem. When B is depressed i feel like i am laying in bed with a stranger and when he cuddles me in bed there is no connection or passion to the point where i feel like he is just leaning on me. When things are this way I have doubts about the way he feels about me and can never reassure me with any strength or confidence that puts my insecurities and worries at ease. I feel so lost, lonely, rejected, and unloved and don't know what to do anymore. I feel unattractive, undesireable, and unwanted. I have tried talking to B and he always says that he feels guilty of what he is doing to me and that i am better off without him and that i deserve better. I love B and want to feel secure in our relationship but it's really hard when he always takes the easy way out by suggesting i should just leave him. I dont know what to do anymore, i feel so lost and alone and want my man back

midge anxiety and binge drinking
  • replies: 2

My partner has suffered from depression in the past & currently has periods of anxiety. I travel a lot for work and over the years he has had periods of serious binge drinking when I'm away. I've struggled with this for years and it is damaging our r... View more

My partner has suffered from depression in the past & currently has periods of anxiety. I travel a lot for work and over the years he has had periods of serious binge drinking when I'm away. I've struggled with this for years and it is damaging our relationship. Is the binge drinking typical of anxiety? He has had cognitive therapy in the past, but seems to think he can "reason" his way through this. Any words of advice?

Evolution Boyfriend Struggling with Depression - I don't know how to support him, but want to dearly.
  • replies: 2

Hello everyone, I'm new here but I really wanted some advice from people who may understand what's going on. I'm very torn, I have a boyfriend who I live with, and have been with for over 5 years. I'm 21 years old. He helped me escape my abusive fami... View more

Hello everyone, I'm new here but I really wanted some advice from people who may understand what's going on. I'm very torn, I have a boyfriend who I live with, and have been with for over 5 years. I'm 21 years old. He helped me escape my abusive family and has always supported me in any way he can when I was at my worst, I was suffering with depersonalisation disorder for awhile but have been very stable for awhile now and I am in a very good head space. I'm in a really good place at the moment, emotionally and financially and just really positive about the future and excited, in fact I haven't felt this good about life for quite awhile. My boyfriend has been suffering with depression for quite awhile, and is currently on medication for it, I apologise I can't remember the name of it (I think it starts with a L, but not too sure). He switched to it awhile ago because his previous one was really bringing him down, but his current one really isn't working well either (bringing him down alot). He's been on it for at least 4 - 5 months I'd say. He hasn't been able to really be involved in my life in a deep or intimate way for a long time, we haven't been sexually or even really romantically intimate for awhile and it really takes its toll on the relationship. In the past, before he had decided to see a psychologist (for years) I would say, that I was worried that being with me (in a relationship), just brought him down further (emotionally), because being a boyfriend comes with responsibilities that I just didn't think he was up to, such as being a good partner and being intimate, and when he couldn't fulfil those responsibilities it'd just depress him further. I don't like putting pressure on him, as his girlfriend I want to help him recover and learn to feel better about himself. But I just feel bad asking anything of him though, and the main reason I wanted to make this post was because I feel like I'm starting to live my life without him. As though I'm starting to simply do the things I want to do and enjoy, but he is no longer part of those things. Such as going out or enjoying life, and I feel like he's more my room mate that I see when I'm at home, but he's not an intimate part of my life anymore. How do I support him, he says he doesn't want to see a psychologist for awhile, and I want to help him, but I don't know how to keep the relationship afloat - I try talking to him but he doesn't want to explore his emotional depths atm - Thank you.