School refusal in my Yr 7 student

[Dragonfly15]

Hi there I would really appreciate some advice or suggestions from parents who have been through this My daughter has not been to school on a regular basis since Term 2 this year. She does suffer from mild anxiety and she sees a counsellor The school has been very accommodating and only expects her to turn up to school so she can go into Year 8 They have given her a modified learning plan We are all bending over backwards to make it possible for her to succeed but she won't do anything to help herself and refuses to go for even a couple of hours a day. it' s really hard to stand by and watch her make things so much harder for herself.  just don't know what to do

[Narniakid]

Hi Dragonfly15, welcome to the forums and thank you for posting.

Have you taken your daughter to you GP for a professional diagnosis and a referral to a psychologist? I think this is a really good step for you to take as your daughter does not seem to be benefiting from the school counsellor, however keep up that plan you've got with the school.

I also think you should have a read of the resources under 'Caring for someone with anxiety and depression', and you can also have them sent out to you in the mail free of charge; beyondblue have resources packed full of information and advice, so I strongly advise you read some of them.

Crystal

[Maelstrom]

Hi. I am sorry if i am posting this incorrectly. I have found tremendous difficulty in finding a link to Introduce myself as suggested. In respect to the previous Poster about your 7 year old; I can't really help. I am fortunate to have a 13 year old who loves school & hates missing a day. My childhood howe er was different & I hated school. I was a victim of ongoing  bullying at a time when no one cared about such things. I was pretty much told by the Prinicipal to "Man-up".  Is your child able to converse with you in any way? 1 on 1, writing, poetry or maybe even painting could provide a clue. Sorry I  can't be more use at this time.

 Okay my story: Unhappily married to a lady with Aspergers; both of us on the Disability Pension and 1 child. I have zero friends and though marrisd with a child I have never felt so alone. The family support I used to have is falling away due to stubborn aging 88 year old parents and other things too complex for right now. I don't drink; I dont smoke and I am pretty much unable to converse with other men. Not being an okker bloke. A real fish out of water in those situations. I am not a Joiner and never have been. I hate crowds and people being false just to fit in.   I cannot cover everything here. I have possibly come across as a lot better than things are. Things are actually pretty bad personally. Not worse or anything than anyone else here - just different. Apples & oranges. I do need help and some understanding. Things are quite messy right now and i cant see them ending well due to the personal circumstances of my family. Parents etc., not immediate family right now. There is SO much more but, I will leave it here and hope for some response and that i have not breached site protocol in some way.

[Wah]

Hello Dragonfly

I feel your pain. My son did not transition to Year 7 very well. By term 3 his attendance was sporadic and by Term 4 he was not going at all. His symptoms started with sleep disturbance and being dead to the world at 9am. By the end of the Year it came to light he had been bullied by another aggresive, physically larger child. The school mismanaged this.  As my older daughter was having issues at the school as well we looked to change schools. It also came to light that my son was bullied by 2 of his teachers while on school camp in the first week of Year 7. This set his attitude. He is now in Year 9 and still only attends sporadically. He is often OK once he gets there. He has never handed in a formal piece of work since Grade 6 and we have no reports for his secondary schooling. 

It has been a long road. We have seen pediatricians, psychologists, RCH sleep disorder clinic, school refusal worker etc, etc. We have had our parenting trashed.We have tried medication. He has been diagnosed with anxiety and ASD(formerly Aspergers). He was very uncooperative with visits and testing, so I am still not convinced about the medical diagnoses, as a lot is based on our retelling of his history.

I have learnt that it is not beneficial to allow the child to avoid dealing with the issues. We tiptoed around him for a long while and I think the school was too accommodating of his absences. My son's behavior is now very entrenched. I think it is important to find a psychologist who can help them identify the issues themselves and develop strategies to manage.  Obviously it is important to eliminate any possible medical issues. I am sure my son really didn't understand it himself, but he refused to see anyone consistently(another avoidance strategy?) The school counsellor may be able to introduce/trasition her to a clinical psychologist.

As parents we got tougher about consequences and limits to access to internet, etc. No school, no internet, xbox, etc. Not so much as a punishment but as a consequence of him choosing to stay home. We made the rules clear. 

We are looking at an alternative path from Year 10, based around his high achievement in sport. Another option was distance education. It's hard. Hard to watch your child under achieve. Hard to watch your child struggle. I found there was limited support for us as parents. I have learnt to rejoice in his strengths and sporting prowess. And hope he may return to study of his own accord when older. 

[gremz]

Hi guys,

I'm sorry to say I too am unsure of what could be helpful in this situation. But I did go through the same sort of thing when I was high school.

Throughout year 7 and 8 I really loved school. I'd even lie when I was sick and attend when I had migraines.
Then the teachers changed, the classes changed, my friends changed. All the expectations changed and I couldn't keep up. I started getting inter-school suspensions (where I would just sit in the office alone all day to do what I wanted). After a while I realized I preferred these over normal class because I could be left alone. I felt so much pressure from teachers and often students that I preferred just sit alone all day, everyday.
Whenever I'd be put back into normal classes I'd start wagging again. Sometimes I'd just go and sit in a park by myself for an hour or two. I ended up getting asked to leave the school because I was unresponsive to their punishments. The next school was even worse. I just couldn't fit in or handle the change. I couldn't wrap my head around how everything worked or make any friends. 
My parents tried to get harsher on me, but it got to the point where they had nothing more to take away from me. They used all their parenting resources on trying to get me to go to school and had nothing left to do when I found drugs and stopped coming home.
I dropped out, re-enrolled, dropped out ect for the next two years before giving up.
Years later I tried tafe. It works better for me but I still really really struggle with attendance.
I think its important to address that this type of behaviour isn't necessarily about laziness or 'being bad.' For me going to school made me suicidal. I'd feel sick at the thought. I loved doing my work, it was the environment I hated.
Having something to look forward to at school can help (I always attended more on days when I had my favourite subject) and being trusted to do the right thing relieved the pressure. I'd really urge you to have your daughter assessed by a professional as it might not just be anxiety, she might be depressed. Its hard to find motivation when you're depressed.
Most of all don't give up! Things do get better! Sometimes things have to get worse first but they will improve!
My mum started seeing a support group when I was young as she was beside herself. It helped her so much and also gave her a better ability to support me. You need support too!

[gremz]

Also if you are having trouble communicating with your child, I can suggest trying to write things down in letters or notes. For me, confrontation sent me into panic mode. Writing it down and giving someone the space to read it quietly in their own time, and then write a reply note when they are ready can really help.