Marriage counselling with husband who is severely depressed Yes or No?

[pollypossum]

I love my husband very much, currently he is struggling with major depression. I too have a history of depression so i do have some insight as to what he must be going through but find myself so unequipped and unable to help. For the last two weeks he's has stopped coming home he's sleeps on friends couches and dose not to be with me or with our 3 children which is extremely difficult. - Im looking for some help, assistance and advice. As a loving wife what can i do to save my marriage, save my husband provide and meet the needs of my children. Should i try to attend marriage counselling with my husband. Has anyone had a similar experience ? what is recommended ? 

[geoff]

dear Pollypossum, I want to welcome you, but more importantly want to try and help you.

I know that even if you suffer from or had suffered from depression we are not equipped to know what to do if our spouse/partner is suffering as well, because every depression is different.

Firstly can I suggest that you ring the BB phone number 1300224636, but this doesn't mean that I am not paying any attention to you, because I certainly am.

If your husband is staying away and this is because of his depression then it maybe difficult to contact him and for him to tell you exactly what is wrong, because a depressed person won't confide in anyone, sure they will say that they don't feel well, but they can't say exactly what is troubling them.

You will know that there is something wrong and would like to be told to a certain degree, but can I suggest that you and your children do miss him and want to help him, whether his depression is caused by work or that he feels that you and him don't connect, at the present time, and can I remind you that this is his depression talking.

You have to be gentle when talking to him and not to ask question after question because this will only make him be quiet, so this whole process will have to start again.

Please I know that you would like to know some answers, but they will never be revealed until he is ready to tell you, and again that's because of his depression.

I do feel so sorry for you and the children but this illness is so cruel.

I would suggest for him to see his doctor first, it's the knowing that a professional is there to help, and then proceed on to going to marriage counselling, however there could be a problem here, in that he won't say exactly what is wrong while the two of you are there, because he will feel guilty saying what he wants to say so try and get him to get counselling on his own.

When my wife (ex) and I went to marriage counselling I felt  uncomfortable talking because my wife took control of the conversation, but as soon as I told the counsellor that I was assaulted the whole attention was back on me, so the counsellor took my side.

Please I would love to hear back from you. L Geoff. x

[pollypossum]

Thanks Geoff, 

I took him to the GP a few weeks ago and he's continuing with treatment but everything is getting worse. He's is accusing me of cheating on him, could the anxiety and distance he feels from depression have this effect ? On Monday evening i made a mistake and out of perhaps fear, distress and helplessness i bundled all the kids in the car and made him come to the doctor again. To tell him just how bad things are as i don't think he communicating to well what he's experiencing. He when to the doctor again in the morning and told me that the doctor thought i was trying to use him for marriage counselling not real concern. That seems far fetched that the doctor would say that??? So he now has left me and the children, says he can't trust me - has been on several drinking benders and  is constantly telling me that our marriage has been in trouble for months and he thinks iv cheated. --- Can people come back from this ? - Thanks to the beyond blue team I'm going to seek some professional help for myself this week as now a single mother of 3 my life is quickly falling apart. 

I research depression i hope that we can get through this . 

Thanks for any input and ideas  

[geoff]

dear Pollypossum, thanks so much for getting back to us.

Please I don't mean any harm in what I am about to say, but people with depression will say things that will only suit themselves, so it's lying but it's not really, maybe I can say this another way, because depression is controlling them they tend to live in their own land or space, and they tend to improvise their own little world, and this is because depression is so strong.

I am only saying this because he has told you what his doctor was meant to say, but I don't think that a doctor would ever say what he told you, so this improvising the situation.

In regard to him thinking that you are having an affair, is something that he wants you to accept, and this could happen for a few reasons, maybe he is not happy with his work which leads him to think that you are unfaithful, because one negative thought leads onto other negative thoughts.

Once anyone drinks alcohol while depressed their imagination goes wild, and in hindsight the grog won't help him long term, sure it will numb his depression, as it did with me.

Your question is a very good one, 'can people come back from this', well there's no definite answer because everyone is different, so with me yes I came back, but lost my marriage, although we still talk to each other.

I am pleased that the Beyond Blue team have been great assistance to you, and can I say that you need to get yourself well, because this will give you the strength to help your husband, as his recovery is going to be lots of ups and downs, and a very difficult one for him, and I'm so sorry in saying this, and as hard as it is for you your health is vital for the love of your children. L Geoff. x

[Carmela]

Hi Pollypossum, I can see from your post that your husband is behaving in a way that is causing you great concern and distress. I am so sorry to hear this. I am pleased though that Geoff has responded to your posts and has offered some very good advice for you to consider.

As an observation from your post, you mentioned that your husband has been drinking. It is important to be aware that alcohol is a type of drug in the family of depressants, which means that it can make symptoms much worse and make it difficult for someone to recover from depression.   

Sadly, the hardest part I find in supporting someone with depression is realising and accepting that it's not about me. As carers, we can love them, support them, and be there for them, but it is ultimately their journey. In my experience, I think it's really important that you remind him you are there, when and if he is ready.  The more you push the further they pull away, so a gentle approach I find is best.

As Geoff recommended, it is vital that you look after your own mental and physical health as you have children to care for. Please make sure you take good care of yourself. Build a strong support network and be kind and forgiving to yourself - and take some time out. Getting professional support is a great positive step forward to maintain you mental health.

Take care of yourself and stay strong.

Carmela x

[pollypossum]

Thanks for your support - a lot of gratitude and virtual warm fuzzies to you. 

[pollypossum]

My sincere thanks for taking the time to assist me. 

Its all happened so fast and is a devastating blow to say the least. 

I don't mean to push him away but feel so desperate not to lose him for myself and our children. I asked him to talk or spend time with us but its all too much and just makes him angry. 

He's agreed to marriage counselling on Wednesday - hopefully this will give him an opportunity to feel heard. 

Any advice going into the session with a marriage counsellor >? he's currently blaming be a lot and thinking that we have had issues for a long time, feels that I've done the wrong thing not kept the house clean, not been a good mother that type of dialogue - its all not really true or reason to leave a our marriage. 

Many thanks again for your valuable insight 

Self care underway, had a full nights sleep for the first time in a year yesterday got a friend to help with the baby and did some fun things with the kids today to focus on the positive. 

Cheers 

[geoff]

dear Pollypossum, thank you so much for replying back to us because it does mean so much.

With marriage counselling, as we always suggest for a couple going through very difficult times to engage in, there could be a slight problem, well not really a problem, but a slugging match could happen, and I know that the two of you have to aire your own concerns, however any result could end up worse off than before you began, even when the counsellor tries and adjudicates these issues, so the after affect ends up in argument, whereas in other situations it will bring the couple together.

The whole idea is to let 'bygones be bygones' and to understand what exactly is going on, and to try and convince the depressed person whether or not you will stand by them. L Geoff. x

[pollypossum]

Hello Friends 

I'm so grateful for your support care and thoughts. 

Its now been close to five weeks since my husband left me and my 3 children silently slipping away first nights away then he moving out - only all his things are here - he's living with perhaps one bag of belongings staying with friends whom i do not know well at all. 

Its heart breaking - i keep hoping that its the depression and he's seeking the grass greener or chasing a better life and he will slowly realise what he has and come back. But the longer it goes on I'm starting to feel that perhaps I'm being very naive. 

We attend our first marriage counselling it was hard to see someone i love so much accuse me of cheating clearly feel so much anxiety and fear about our relationship and a huge amount of anger and what feels like a total lack of respect. There are small glimpses of hope he's going to continue to attend counselling with me so i hope this will be positive for both of us and our children. 

He said he would come and talk to me on the weekend that perhaps we could build a friendship but then on Sunday morning when i text him he's said he was still drinking from the night before and could not see or talk to me. He promised he would talk to me today, but then never arrived so perhaps its all too confronting?? I  asked if we could start being friends .. 

Can you direct me to some reading ? - what can i do? 

Many Thanks 

[pollypossum]

How do i tell him ill be here for him - i love him regardless - i forgive him - i want to be his wife - with out him running further away?