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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Etta Carer
  • replies: 2

Hi every one I'm a full time carer for my mum who is 73 she has a range of mental issues as well as health issues I just don't know what to do any more I feel lost I have no life I go no where with out her I do nothing with out her She constantly tel... View more

Hi every one I'm a full time carer for my mum who is 73 she has a range of mental issues as well as health issues I just don't know what to do any more I feel lost I have no life I go no where with out her I do nothing with out her She constantly tells me I don't do anything for her and I feel everything I do for her is unappreciated and never good enough. I have no friends left because they all gradually went away because of my mum. I feel worth less and and depressed all the time I have 3 other sisters and one brother and not one of them ever help in any way but they are constantly telling people that they do help and even have the Gaul to tell people there helping me as well . Some times I just wish I would fade away but I have a 21 year old son who loves me and needs me so I stay strong for him but I don't know how much longer I can put up with this life and even if I still want to beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Livingdeadgirl He loves me, He loves me not???
  • replies: 1

I'm not entirely sure where to begin so maybe I should start by saying "hi". I'm the 'new guy' (or girl lol) and I'm here because my boyfriend of 2 years has been suffering from debilitating depression and i'm not sure where else to turn. B and I cli... View more

I'm not entirely sure where to begin so maybe I should start by saying "hi". I'm the 'new guy' (or girl lol) and I'm here because my boyfriend of 2 years has been suffering from debilitating depression and i'm not sure where else to turn. B and I clicked since the day we met and almost fell in love with each other instantly. We moved in together after only six months and have lived happily ever after since. That's not to say that we haven't had our problems along the way because we have but we have always seemed to work things out respectfully and together as a team. In the early days of our relationship 'B' disclosed that he had depression and explained that it was a condition he felt he had for a very long time or for the most part of his life. I supported him with his disclosure and have been there for him every day since. i did help him seek professional advice from a GP who prescribed him an antidepressant which he has been taking for over 12 months now. I feel that he is a lot better than what he was but still has very serious and frequent bouts of depression that last for up to 8 days at a time. In his depressed state he becomes very lifeless and withdrawn, he sleeps a lot or not much at all, has trouble thinking, looses his appetite and interest in EVERYTHING including me. This is the part where I struggle the most. He looks at me differently and without the sparkle in his eye. He reports that when he is in this state he is unable to feel love and attraction and our sex life just disappears which is really taking its toll and starting to affect my confidence and self-esteem. When B is depressed i feel like i am laying in bed with a stranger and when he cuddles me in bed there is no connection or passion to the point where i feel like he is just leaning on me. When things are this way I have doubts about the way he feels about me and can never reassure me with any strength or confidence that puts my insecurities and worries at ease. I feel so lost, lonely, rejected, and unloved and don't know what to do anymore. I feel unattractive, undesireable, and unwanted. I have tried talking to B and he always says that he feels guilty of what he is doing to me and that i am better off without him and that i deserve better. I love B and want to feel secure in our relationship but it's really hard when he always takes the easy way out by suggesting i should just leave him. I dont know what to do anymore, i feel so lost and alone and want my man back

midge anxiety and binge drinking
  • replies: 2

My partner has suffered from depression in the past & currently has periods of anxiety. I travel a lot for work and over the years he has had periods of serious binge drinking when I'm away. I've struggled with this for years and it is damaging our r... View more

My partner has suffered from depression in the past & currently has periods of anxiety. I travel a lot for work and over the years he has had periods of serious binge drinking when I'm away. I've struggled with this for years and it is damaging our relationship. Is the binge drinking typical of anxiety? He has had cognitive therapy in the past, but seems to think he can "reason" his way through this. Any words of advice?

Evolution Boyfriend Struggling with Depression - I don't know how to support him, but want to dearly.
  • replies: 2

Hello everyone, I'm new here but I really wanted some advice from people who may understand what's going on. I'm very torn, I have a boyfriend who I live with, and have been with for over 5 years. I'm 21 years old. He helped me escape my abusive fami... View more

Hello everyone, I'm new here but I really wanted some advice from people who may understand what's going on. I'm very torn, I have a boyfriend who I live with, and have been with for over 5 years. I'm 21 years old. He helped me escape my abusive family and has always supported me in any way he can when I was at my worst, I was suffering with depersonalisation disorder for awhile but have been very stable for awhile now and I am in a very good head space. I'm in a really good place at the moment, emotionally and financially and just really positive about the future and excited, in fact I haven't felt this good about life for quite awhile. My boyfriend has been suffering with depression for quite awhile, and is currently on medication for it, I apologise I can't remember the name of it (I think it starts with a L, but not too sure). He switched to it awhile ago because his previous one was really bringing him down, but his current one really isn't working well either (bringing him down alot). He's been on it for at least 4 - 5 months I'd say. He hasn't been able to really be involved in my life in a deep or intimate way for a long time, we haven't been sexually or even really romantically intimate for awhile and it really takes its toll on the relationship. In the past, before he had decided to see a psychologist (for years) I would say, that I was worried that being with me (in a relationship), just brought him down further (emotionally), because being a boyfriend comes with responsibilities that I just didn't think he was up to, such as being a good partner and being intimate, and when he couldn't fulfil those responsibilities it'd just depress him further. I don't like putting pressure on him, as his girlfriend I want to help him recover and learn to feel better about himself. But I just feel bad asking anything of him though, and the main reason I wanted to make this post was because I feel like I'm starting to live my life without him. As though I'm starting to simply do the things I want to do and enjoy, but he is no longer part of those things. Such as going out or enjoying life, and I feel like he's more my room mate that I see when I'm at home, but he's not an intimate part of my life anymore. How do I support him, he says he doesn't want to see a psychologist for awhile, and I want to help him, but I don't know how to keep the relationship afloat - I try talking to him but he doesn't want to explore his emotional depths atm - Thank you.

Nickname_63074E8E-1878-45 I need advice, Partners depression is affecting our daughter.
  • replies: 3

My partner and I have been together for 6 years. His depression really kicked in 4 years ago, but the severity waxes and wanes. But this last year has been the worst. All year. Our daughter is 8 (not his biological but the daughter of his heart) our ... View more

My partner and I have been together for 6 years. His depression really kicked in 4 years ago, but the severity waxes and wanes. But this last year has been the worst. All year. Our daughter is 8 (not his biological but the daughter of his heart) our son is 10 months. He is rude and short to her. He rides her constantly. She confessed she feels like she can't do anything right. He ignores her when she's excited about something (unintentionally) he rarely plays with her. I have spoken to him and most of the time he gets angry and denies it. Sometimes he can see what he's doing when I've pointed it out and he tries, but it doesn't last more than a day or two. It's killing her, she adored him and now she's withdrawing from him. I know he loves her. But he can't seem to see the damage its doing to her. I don't want to leave him, I love him. I want to help him, and leaving now would only make it worse for him. But I can't let him do this to her either. He is getting help, sporadically. He only started 3 months ago. What do I do? I'm torn. I will do what's best for my daughter because I'm a mum and that's what we do. I'm just hoping one of you might be able to come up with an idea that could help us stay or help him realise the damage he's doing. Thanks.

Nannyballoons Nannyballoon
  • replies: 2

My son has had a rough 10 months he has always had low self esteem , he was married young and had daughter, Xmas 2014 he and his wife seperate dandy she has taken his daughter who is 1 away and he hasn't seen her, we are currently going through court... View more

My son has had a rough 10 months he has always had low self esteem , he was married young and had daughter, Xmas 2014 he and his wife seperate dandy she has taken his daughter who is 1 away and he hasn't seen her, we are currently going through court to get visitation rights, he went to the doctors when this happened and got medication and seeing a psychologist to help him from this he met a girl and has spent a couple of months with her she has ended the relationship becUse she can't handle his lows, she has been there for him as a friend since he has said he will take his life and he has been talking to telephone counsellors until we can see the doctor Monday but when we talked to him he said I have become very good at saying what people want to hear I am so scared that he will take his life he has come to back to live with can anyone help

Nymphadora_Tonks Husband Depressed, but wont seek help and blames it one everyon/everything else. Im finding it hard to stay but we have a 2 year old.
  • replies: 10

I sincerely thank anyone who reads this sorry in advance for the ramble! I've been with my husband for 13 years, we have a 2yo old child together and I love him but that love is fading. He started showing signs of depression about a year ago when his... View more

I sincerely thank anyone who reads this sorry in advance for the ramble! I've been with my husband for 13 years, we have a 2yo old child together and I love him but that love is fading. He started showing signs of depression about a year ago when his boss started being abusive and messing with his head, Ordering him to do something, & then yelling at him for doing it etc. He also started 5 home renovations & wanted to complete them himself in a ridiculously short time frame. When he realised that this couldnt be done, he completely broke down. He wouldnt eat or drink, wouldnt leave the bed for days using a various range of excuses, & saying he didnt want to live anymore. I waited on him hand & foot and tried to help all while being told to F** off etc, & then in the next breath, 'please dont leave me, i love you' etc. Since this time, he has gone in waves of sleeping all day, being verbally abusive, hurtful or manupilative, Staying up all hours of the night & picking at his face to the point where i've suspected drugs were involved. He took out a large personal loan & borrowed money from his family, all up about $8000 worth & i have no idea what he spent it on (he doesn't know that I know this). I dont know how to confront him about it without him blowing it into a huge argument full of lies & excuses. He started seeing a phychologist in February at my request, who unfortunately was TERRIBLE. She only focussed on how good his job was & to just try to ignore his abusive boss. He then refused to go & hasn't been to see one since - I fear that it has put him off seeing anyone at all. Our child reacts to his behaviour by not wanting to go near him, which upsets him more. He yells at me infront of her & when i tell him to stop and/or save it for later he just yells more. I honestly believe that he doesnt think his behaviour is extreme or unacceptable, he simply can't see it as more than expressing his emotions. He has actually said "Oh so I cant have any emotions then is that it? I cant be sad when bad things happen?". Or when I call him out on the way he speaks to me, he makes me feel like its my fault or that I'm the reason that he is acting that way, & then I get the guilts on & apologise, often for something I didnt do. I have thought of seeking help for myself and asking him to attend? I cant go through much more of this, but my main concern is our child. I dont want to negatively affect her - is it better to leave now or wait a bit longer and see?

Revolver Helping partner cope with anxiety, when I have anxiety myself.
  • replies: 1

I am a 25 year-old male. And my girlfriend of 4 years is suffering from anxiety. She is constantly feeling numb, she has anxiety attacks and is coping with high levels of stress from a variety of sources(jumping between jobs, stressing about finances... View more

I am a 25 year-old male. And my girlfriend of 4 years is suffering from anxiety. She is constantly feeling numb, she has anxiety attacks and is coping with high levels of stress from a variety of sources(jumping between jobs, stressing about finances, feels like she has to work all the time and has limited emotional and social outlets, and not much support from her family). She is very highly strung and gets agitated easily, her and I are often fighting, she gets aggressive and angry and I become over-emotional. She is also a perfectionist, and she can get frustrated with her flaws, and mine. I would do anything to help her, trouble is I feel powerless to do anything, A lot of it comes from my lack of understanding, and I struggle to see things from her perspective. She expresses most of her frustration\sadness\and anxiety through anger, over the years this has made me extremely cautious around her, in fear of setting her off. I have become very guarded in my emotions and expressions and our closeness and intimacy have suffered for it. In a sense, I have made her problems my own- I try to solve them all the time, but that's not what she wants. Every time I try to help her I just freeze, my brain stops working and I become afraid to act. Afraid to do the wrong thing by her, afraid I'll never help her, petrified we'll break up. Before you know it, the focus is away from her, and shifted to me, and my incompetence, my inability to help her, or even understand her, connect with her. Afterwards she thinks I'm selfish, self-absorbed and she thinks I don't care or make an effort, when in reality my brain just freezes and stops working. Then she's angry at me, for being selfish, not being able to help her. This has happened for so long that I don't believe I can help her, I have zero confidence and I always get over-emotional. I have known her for ten years, she is the loveliest woman I have ever met, and I would do anything for her- and I know she loves me. I just want the fighting to stop. I want to help her through her anxiety and be there for her, and not be a reason for it. How can I help her through her struggles, instead of making everything about me, freezing in thought, becoming emotionally disconnected from her and turning the focus from her to me.. I'm so worried about her, and I don't want her to feel alone, i want to be there for her, I want to go back to being her strong rock- instead of crumbling in the face of confrontations.

Cautiouswife husbands struggle
  • replies: 3

HiMy story with depression came to light 8 months ago when my husband came to me and said he was having anxiety attacks and needed help. I suggested to him to see out GP and he was quickly diagnosed with major depression and anxiety and was prescribe... View more

HiMy story with depression came to light 8 months ago when my husband came to me and said he was having anxiety attacks and needed help. I suggested to him to see out GP and he was quickly diagnosed with major depression and anxiety and was prescribed an anti - depressant and referred to a psychologist. Over the next few months his condition got worse he stopped taking his medication and would frequently disappear he also tried to harm himself a few times. Eventually he did get prescribed a new anti-depressant that seems to be working for him now, he is a lot calmer more often. However he recently moved out of our house and into his parents after I became suspicious over another girl he had been contacting, he didn't think I trusted him anymore and made a snap decision and left. It has been a month now and we are talking and he says he loves me and he misses us and wants to come back but when I ask what is stopping him he say's that its himself and he wants to fix that first, then shuts down and often changes character and runs away again. I want to help but I don't know where to help him, I'm also not sure if I should ask him to often. I would love nothing more then to have him home again and I think he wants the same. I'm sure that time will help but I don't know how long I should wait I feel helpless sitting on the outside. beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636

LML Giving myself permission to leave the marriage after bipolar diagnosis
  • replies: 8

My darling hubby has a bipolar diagnosis. He also has a very avoiding personality It took me nearly 2 years, counselling and wrong medication for 8 months to get him to a psychiatrist.My final step is to ask him to work with me to get past "our" fina... View more

My darling hubby has a bipolar diagnosis. He also has a very avoiding personality It took me nearly 2 years, counselling and wrong medication for 8 months to get him to a psychiatrist.My final step is to ask him to work with me to get past "our" financial issues, but I feel he'll be avoiding this request so to protect myself & my future, for me this is where i give myself permission to go.Wanted to leave the forums with the best resources i found to give me the insight I need to stay together but if we're not working together i can't keep it together by myself. Sad day.Daily face book blog – lots of topics & insights Bipolar Burble with Natasha TraceyYou tube video Living with Bipolar – for carers & lived experience (excellent)You tube video Bipolar Disorder - Lecture 2014 - Dr. Patrick McKeon - the basics Book for partners – 2nd edition (apparently use everything except the medications chapter), available on kindle too. This book is actually kind & acknowledges you'll probably be working thru it alone. Excellent framework for how to move forward as a couple. Loving someone with Bipolar Disorder by Julie Second editionFor me – talks on lots of subjects not aimed at mental health called TED talksFor me – 10 minute meditations – 10 for free to get you started & you can do them more than once on the internet search headspace dot comFinancial adviser -the most sensible & liberating thing I have done for myself even tho I thought I couldn't afford it.