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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Nickname_63074E8E-1878-45 I need advice, Partners depression is affecting our daughter.
  • replies: 3

My partner and I have been together for 6 years. His depression really kicked in 4 years ago, but the severity waxes and wanes. But this last year has been the worst. All year. Our daughter is 8 (not his biological but the daughter of his heart) our ... View more

My partner and I have been together for 6 years. His depression really kicked in 4 years ago, but the severity waxes and wanes. But this last year has been the worst. All year. Our daughter is 8 (not his biological but the daughter of his heart) our son is 10 months. He is rude and short to her. He rides her constantly. She confessed she feels like she can't do anything right. He ignores her when she's excited about something (unintentionally) he rarely plays with her. I have spoken to him and most of the time he gets angry and denies it. Sometimes he can see what he's doing when I've pointed it out and he tries, but it doesn't last more than a day or two. It's killing her, she adored him and now she's withdrawing from him. I know he loves her. But he can't seem to see the damage its doing to her. I don't want to leave him, I love him. I want to help him, and leaving now would only make it worse for him. But I can't let him do this to her either. He is getting help, sporadically. He only started 3 months ago. What do I do? I'm torn. I will do what's best for my daughter because I'm a mum and that's what we do. I'm just hoping one of you might be able to come up with an idea that could help us stay or help him realise the damage he's doing. Thanks.

Nannyballoons Nannyballoon
  • replies: 2

My son has had a rough 10 months he has always had low self esteem , he was married young and had daughter, Xmas 2014 he and his wife seperate dandy she has taken his daughter who is 1 away and he hasn't seen her, we are currently going through court... View more

My son has had a rough 10 months he has always had low self esteem , he was married young and had daughter, Xmas 2014 he and his wife seperate dandy she has taken his daughter who is 1 away and he hasn't seen her, we are currently going through court to get visitation rights, he went to the doctors when this happened and got medication and seeing a psychologist to help him from this he met a girl and has spent a couple of months with her she has ended the relationship becUse she can't handle his lows, she has been there for him as a friend since he has said he will take his life and he has been talking to telephone counsellors until we can see the doctor Monday but when we talked to him he said I have become very good at saying what people want to hear I am so scared that he will take his life he has come to back to live with can anyone help

Nymphadora_Tonks Husband Depressed, but wont seek help and blames it one everyon/everything else. Im finding it hard to stay but we have a 2 year old.
  • replies: 10

I sincerely thank anyone who reads this sorry in advance for the ramble! I've been with my husband for 13 years, we have a 2yo old child together and I love him but that love is fading. He started showing signs of depression about a year ago when his... View more

I sincerely thank anyone who reads this sorry in advance for the ramble! I've been with my husband for 13 years, we have a 2yo old child together and I love him but that love is fading. He started showing signs of depression about a year ago when his boss started being abusive and messing with his head, Ordering him to do something, & then yelling at him for doing it etc. He also started 5 home renovations & wanted to complete them himself in a ridiculously short time frame. When he realised that this couldnt be done, he completely broke down. He wouldnt eat or drink, wouldnt leave the bed for days using a various range of excuses, & saying he didnt want to live anymore. I waited on him hand & foot and tried to help all while being told to F** off etc, & then in the next breath, 'please dont leave me, i love you' etc. Since this time, he has gone in waves of sleeping all day, being verbally abusive, hurtful or manupilative, Staying up all hours of the night & picking at his face to the point where i've suspected drugs were involved. He took out a large personal loan & borrowed money from his family, all up about $8000 worth & i have no idea what he spent it on (he doesn't know that I know this). I dont know how to confront him about it without him blowing it into a huge argument full of lies & excuses. He started seeing a phychologist in February at my request, who unfortunately was TERRIBLE. She only focussed on how good his job was & to just try to ignore his abusive boss. He then refused to go & hasn't been to see one since - I fear that it has put him off seeing anyone at all. Our child reacts to his behaviour by not wanting to go near him, which upsets him more. He yells at me infront of her & when i tell him to stop and/or save it for later he just yells more. I honestly believe that he doesnt think his behaviour is extreme or unacceptable, he simply can't see it as more than expressing his emotions. He has actually said "Oh so I cant have any emotions then is that it? I cant be sad when bad things happen?". Or when I call him out on the way he speaks to me, he makes me feel like its my fault or that I'm the reason that he is acting that way, & then I get the guilts on & apologise, often for something I didnt do. I have thought of seeking help for myself and asking him to attend? I cant go through much more of this, but my main concern is our child. I dont want to negatively affect her - is it better to leave now or wait a bit longer and see?

Revolver Helping partner cope with anxiety, when I have anxiety myself.
  • replies: 1

I am a 25 year-old male. And my girlfriend of 4 years is suffering from anxiety. She is constantly feeling numb, she has anxiety attacks and is coping with high levels of stress from a variety of sources(jumping between jobs, stressing about finances... View more

I am a 25 year-old male. And my girlfriend of 4 years is suffering from anxiety. She is constantly feeling numb, she has anxiety attacks and is coping with high levels of stress from a variety of sources(jumping between jobs, stressing about finances, feels like she has to work all the time and has limited emotional and social outlets, and not much support from her family). She is very highly strung and gets agitated easily, her and I are often fighting, she gets aggressive and angry and I become over-emotional. She is also a perfectionist, and she can get frustrated with her flaws, and mine. I would do anything to help her, trouble is I feel powerless to do anything, A lot of it comes from my lack of understanding, and I struggle to see things from her perspective. She expresses most of her frustration\sadness\and anxiety through anger, over the years this has made me extremely cautious around her, in fear of setting her off. I have become very guarded in my emotions and expressions and our closeness and intimacy have suffered for it. In a sense, I have made her problems my own- I try to solve them all the time, but that's not what she wants. Every time I try to help her I just freeze, my brain stops working and I become afraid to act. Afraid to do the wrong thing by her, afraid I'll never help her, petrified we'll break up. Before you know it, the focus is away from her, and shifted to me, and my incompetence, my inability to help her, or even understand her, connect with her. Afterwards she thinks I'm selfish, self-absorbed and she thinks I don't care or make an effort, when in reality my brain just freezes and stops working. Then she's angry at me, for being selfish, not being able to help her. This has happened for so long that I don't believe I can help her, I have zero confidence and I always get over-emotional. I have known her for ten years, she is the loveliest woman I have ever met, and I would do anything for her- and I know she loves me. I just want the fighting to stop. I want to help her through her anxiety and be there for her, and not be a reason for it. How can I help her through her struggles, instead of making everything about me, freezing in thought, becoming emotionally disconnected from her and turning the focus from her to me.. I'm so worried about her, and I don't want her to feel alone, i want to be there for her, I want to go back to being her strong rock- instead of crumbling in the face of confrontations.

Cautiouswife husbands struggle
  • replies: 3

HiMy story with depression came to light 8 months ago when my husband came to me and said he was having anxiety attacks and needed help. I suggested to him to see out GP and he was quickly diagnosed with major depression and anxiety and was prescribe... View more

HiMy story with depression came to light 8 months ago when my husband came to me and said he was having anxiety attacks and needed help. I suggested to him to see out GP and he was quickly diagnosed with major depression and anxiety and was prescribed an anti - depressant and referred to a psychologist. Over the next few months his condition got worse he stopped taking his medication and would frequently disappear he also tried to harm himself a few times. Eventually he did get prescribed a new anti-depressant that seems to be working for him now, he is a lot calmer more often. However he recently moved out of our house and into his parents after I became suspicious over another girl he had been contacting, he didn't think I trusted him anymore and made a snap decision and left. It has been a month now and we are talking and he says he loves me and he misses us and wants to come back but when I ask what is stopping him he say's that its himself and he wants to fix that first, then shuts down and often changes character and runs away again. I want to help but I don't know where to help him, I'm also not sure if I should ask him to often. I would love nothing more then to have him home again and I think he wants the same. I'm sure that time will help but I don't know how long I should wait I feel helpless sitting on the outside. beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636

LML Giving myself permission to leave the marriage after bipolar diagnosis
  • replies: 8

My darling hubby has a bipolar diagnosis. He also has a very avoiding personality It took me nearly 2 years, counselling and wrong medication for 8 months to get him to a psychiatrist.My final step is to ask him to work with me to get past "our" fina... View more

My darling hubby has a bipolar diagnosis. He also has a very avoiding personality It took me nearly 2 years, counselling and wrong medication for 8 months to get him to a psychiatrist.My final step is to ask him to work with me to get past "our" financial issues, but I feel he'll be avoiding this request so to protect myself & my future, for me this is where i give myself permission to go.Wanted to leave the forums with the best resources i found to give me the insight I need to stay together but if we're not working together i can't keep it together by myself. Sad day.Daily face book blog – lots of topics & insights Bipolar Burble with Natasha TraceyYou tube video Living with Bipolar – for carers & lived experience (excellent)You tube video Bipolar Disorder - Lecture 2014 - Dr. Patrick McKeon - the basics Book for partners – 2nd edition (apparently use everything except the medications chapter), available on kindle too. This book is actually kind & acknowledges you'll probably be working thru it alone. Excellent framework for how to move forward as a couple. Loving someone with Bipolar Disorder by Julie Second editionFor me – talks on lots of subjects not aimed at mental health called TED talksFor me – 10 minute meditations – 10 for free to get you started & you can do them more than once on the internet search headspace dot comFinancial adviser -the most sensible & liberating thing I have done for myself even tho I thought I couldn't afford it.

Lady_styles My husbands depression, how do I help him
  • replies: 2

My husband has been out of work for almost 3 years due to an illness, we have been trying to get him on disability and that's been its own battle within itself. He does not talk to me anymore about his feelings and what use to be a very romantic man ... View more

My husband has been out of work for almost 3 years due to an illness, we have been trying to get him on disability and that's been its own battle within itself. He does not talk to me anymore about his feelings and what use to be a very romantic man is no longer there. We just had our 3 rd anniversary and not even a card. I found out just a few days ago that he has formed this friendship with a younger woman who I know. And she has had a crush on him for a while but he's sees it as a cute gesture and says I am over reacting to him talking to her 2 or 3 times a week which I knew nothing about. I don't think he has cheated but I'm not sure his mood and her intentions that it won't build to that. I told him I was the one he needed to tell his inner feelings to but he insist she like a therapist to him. He does not see this as part of his depression and him pulling away. He says that him and her both knew I would overreact and that's why they didn't say anything. I am lost with his mood swings. Just small things I do get on his nerves and he looks at me like I'm stupid. I am afraid of what it's doing to my marriage but more afraid of what it's doing to him. I have not one time distrusted him during our marriage but now I find that I work two jobs and while he is at home he talking to this woman. Am I wrong to be worried. He says he want to share his life with me but she seems to be getting the most right now.

Shaz1964 Carer wanting advice !!!
  • replies: 4

as a carer, not sure what to do ????? My Husband has G.A.D , we have a small Mowing and Cleaning Business that we run, now and then everything builds up and we take a weekend off to relax but last week my husband took himself to hospital with an Majo... View more

as a carer, not sure what to do ????? My Husband has G.A.D , we have a small Mowing and Cleaning Business that we run, now and then everything builds up and we take a weekend off to relax but last week my husband took himself to hospital with an Major depressive Episode which they kept him in for a week , now we are back home with medication and awaiting mental health plan to get him back on his feet -- I have kidney disease stage 4 and can not drive ,so there is no income coming in -- today my husband said he feels like he doesn't and can`t work anymore -- the specialist said to ease back into work , any suggestions and advice will be great. Mark this post as helpfulYou marked this post as helpful Shaz1964 4 posts 19 August 2015 in reply to Shaz1964 Hello again , just remembered the specialist gave my husband a Centrelink form -- 3 months sickness allowance to put in ?? but my husband is worried that we wont have any customers if we put the form in , at the end of 3 months but then today he doesn`t think he wants to work anymore Thank you

Jorjay Help for Partner of someone suffering from Depression
  • replies: 1

HI there everyone. First post for me here. I am just looking for some help and guidance. My partner suffers from depression and has been for some time now. We have been together for almost two years and we have a baby on the way due at the end of Oct... View more

HI there everyone. First post for me here. I am just looking for some help and guidance. My partner suffers from depression and has been for some time now. We have been together for almost two years and we have a baby on the way due at the end of October. I know that pregnancy can take a big toll on woman and it is not easy. My partner is constantly negative even though I do everything in my power to make her happy. I try to make sure I am at home all the time to look out for her because I know she struggles with a bit of separation anxiety and also when left with her own thoughts they get the better of her sometimes. This girl is my world and I will be proposing to her very soon (I just recently got a ring). She will always give me a hard time when I am away for my sport which is only training once a week and a game on the weekend that she usually comes to. I have decided to not play next year because we will have a new born and I want to spend as much time at home as I can outside of work. I am also trying to work weekends more to provide more for our family and make things a bit easier but I get a hard time about that as well as never being around. Recently we have been fighting more and she is getting frustrated with me very easily and is quite condescending in her tome when speaking to me. I have so much patience and try to understand to the best of my ability what she is going through and accept that she doesn't mean what she says and help her but she constantly pushes me away. She has been treated very badly throughout her life from her childhood to bad relationships with ex partners and her mother and father. I have given her every reason that I am not going anywhere and that I am here to stay and will never abandon her or treat her wrong. I am fully devoted and committed to her. I love our little life and also our baby on the way and what the future holds. She is a stay at home mum as she has two children from a previous relationship that she shares with her ex partner who also gives her a hard time a lot. I try my best to simplify our lives as much as possible and create a stress free environment but she self sabotages herself a lot and creates problems where there doesn't need to be. I just wish she would let go of the past and keep moving forward. I know that all this is hard for someone who suffers from depression. Does it get easier? Is there anything more that I can do to make her believe more? Any help would be greatly appreciated.

fortoolong When carers feel helpless.
  • replies: 1

Hi. I'm new to the forum. My sixteen year old daughter suffers from PTSD, anxiety, severe clinical depression and eating disorders. She has seen a psychiatrist since she was 8 and for these eight years. her medication has been monitored. At 10 she wa... View more

Hi. I'm new to the forum. My sixteen year old daughter suffers from PTSD, anxiety, severe clinical depression and eating disorders. She has seen a psychiatrist since she was 8 and for these eight years. her medication has been monitored. At 10 she was diagnosed with complex regional pain syndrome, a nervous system disorder, which affected her leg and hospitalised her for two months. At 14, she was hospitalised for eating disorders for eight weeks. For the last two years, she has had a great deal of time off school. She is also a perfectionist. This is having such a terrible effect on her life, her sisters life and our life,,, her parents. We are doing everything we can to help, paying a fortune for psych bills and medication, yet still she is not improving. We have no extended family support. I am now so sad about it that I just don't know what to do anymore. I just want to have normal for a while. Both my husband and I work full time, our older daughter is at uni and completely over her sister's drama and it's hard for my husband and I to have any time together because our daughter is always so needy. I have seen a doctor about this but would really appreciate hearing from anyone else who has been in this situation and how you handled the juggling, the guilt about your other children and the lack of attention they receive, and your feeling of missing your old self.... Or is it just me? Thanks for listening.