Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Desperate need of advice

replies: 3

I’m really in need of help. My boyfriend was diagnosed with depression a few weeks ago after he finally agreed to get help. Since then of course, (because of medications and psychology etc) his mood has been up and down which has put a major stress on our relationship. We have been together for about 2 and a half years and ever since I have known him I believe he has always been depressed and had a lot of issues due to his family life and upbringing. I myself have gone to get my own help to deal with all this and also from stress with work as I work in mental health. So he is finally getting the help he needs after so many tears, anxiety attacks, nights where I have worried about him so much. He recently told me that he has decided he doesn’t want to have kids, ever, or get married. He believes because of his family history or schizophrenia and his depression, he doesn’t want to reproduce. Of course this is absolutely devastating news to me as all I’ve wanted in live is to have kids and get married. I went into the relationship thinking that this was the case, which it was, until he says hes been thinking this for 6 months and hes been afraid to tell me. My problem I have is that I think it’s because he is still in the early stages of actually getting help and he’s still tweaking his meds. But he still says he is certain his mind won’t change about wanting kids and wants me to know this. If this is certainly true then I have no choice but to leave him and that sounds so awful considering what he’s going through. I don’t know how much this depression has taken over his rational thinking and I just don’t know what to do. I’m 28 and 29 next year and I know some people might think that’s young, but I have my goals and ambitions and I just can’t hang for 5 years until he changes his mind. I am absolutely devastated and I don’t want to go but how do I know he’s for real if hes so depressed? I feel like he wants me to decide on our fate and he keeps saying he can't answer my question; "Do you see a future with me" as he thinks I need to answer that to him. He says hes trying not to push me away but I just think he wants me to end things because he can't. If anyone has gone though this or something similar any advice would be really helpful. Thanks

Husband with Depression

replies: 8

My husband and I have been dating since 15 and have been married for several years. Depression is something he has always struggled with. I was always a person he could come to with any issues...until about a year ago. I was pregnant with our only child and he started talking to a female at work. Things escalated and I told him he was hurting our marriage.I believed something was going on. He left and lived with his parents saying it was untrue and all my fault we had issues. He came back 2 months later and shortly after admitted that there was something going on and this got physical but he was sorry and I forgave him, knowing I would feel regretful if I broke off my marriage to a man I am so completely in love with while I was pregnant. Things were good up until a few months ago when he really laid into me about my mothering and wifeing, saying I didn't do enough- I was the one with a full time job and he was the one working part-time and leaving me with a infant every weekend to go be with his friends. I thought we got past that as I stepped up, but then last week he told me he was too tied down my our son and I and was unhappy and wanted his space and needed to go on a trip alone. Long story short, I love him and I supported it and helped him to make it happen this past weekend. The night before he left one of our mutual friends informed me that he had been talking to a girl and she offered to meet him on this trip that I was funding but he told her no...before he left the next morning, I confronted him and he completely lied saying she didn't exist and then that yes, she did but they've only talked once since we got married, and then no, they have talked a few times but that was it and she was joking about meeting him, and then after he left he told me actually yeah, they have been talking all day every day for a LONG time and he needed her because she understands him and his issues but she isn't meeting him up there...when she found out I found out, according to my husband, she did not want to keep communicating with him. Now he is home. I am lost. He told me what he needs for us to have a happy marriage; which involves me doing everything-- babying, cooking, cleaning, working my 12 hour a night hospital job, and handling everything else. I have been doing this but we are on day 4 of him being home and I am already worn out after being a single parent for 3 days and being upset/worried and I am not sure how long I can keep this up for.

Sharing this emotional quote...

replies: 2

So in the new year I'm going to study Cert 4 in Mental Health. My mental health issues have helped me, at age 44, to know what I want to do with my life - be a mental healt support worker. Was reading through some reference material tonight and just cried when I read this. THIS is why I'm doing what im doing. " It wasn’t until I finally met a carer consultant and some other carers that I realised I wasn’t alone at all – that these overwhelming (and sometimes traumatizing) experiences were really “normal” in the lives of carers. I was overwhelmed because this was genuinely an overwhelming experience. It wasn’t because I was incompetent. Finding out that I wasn’t alone changed everything for me.” Wilding 2012 (referenced from cert 4 mental health peer support, national mental health association). This is why talking about mental health issues is so beneficial. You are not alone. We're all in this together, we'll get through this together.

Not strong enough to keep Caring

replies: 2

Hello, my Husband suffers with depression more on than off over the last five years. I have a chronic illness myself and manage it pretty well but I feel if I let my guard down for a second I'll be in the black hole with him. Which would be the only thing we have done together for five years. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to be patient and loving and understanding with him and I feel so guilty for thinking that there might be another way to live. Sometimes I just can't be near him for my own survival but I know that it isn't supporting him by doing that. I just can't be everything, do everything and hold myself together to do the right thing for him. I just don't know how to help him or me! Any advice from others in the same boat?

I don't know how to help him

replies: 1

I've been seeing someone for about two months now. Everything started off fantastically, we really hit it off and things started to progress between us. In the beginning I wasn't aware that he suffered from depression, he's become great at hiding it. Lately things have really been getting on top of him in regards to his past relationship, the daily headaches he has to deal with and just life in general. He feels worthless, he doesn't feel like he will amount to anything due to the pain he endures on a daily basis, his ex has just thrown a rather massive curve ball into the mix. She is pregnant but doesn't know exactly who the father is, obviously he is one of the options. Due to all of this he has started to push me away. In the beginning we were seeing each other every weekend and having a great time. After him opening up to me about his depression a little, I've started giving him space that he needs when he needs it. We've gotten to a stage that he doesn't need to tell me when he needs to be alone, it's just known to me through unspoken gestures. Being a sufferer of depression myself, I know what he is going through in the basic ways. I just don't know how to help him...I've never been the person on the other end of the spectrum. He calls and texts me all the time just to talk, to hear my voice and to relax. He tells me he wants to be with me but he won't put a label on anything and actually call me his girlfriend. I don't want to just be a short term comfort for him that he won't need eventually....I care about him too much to leave him while he is in such a vulnerable position right now too. I just need some advice on what I can do to help him. I text him at least once every day just to make sure he knows someone cares for him deeply and to make sure he is okay, but what can I do beyond that? He doesn't like opening up to people and asking for help and he is very closed off. I'm at a loss and any advice/ideas would be greatly appreciated.

i need advice on how to help my partner with depression

replies: 2

My partner has depression he blames me for everything saying I don't let him breath I'm not sure how to act what to say cause at the moment any time I open my mouth its wrong we have kids under ten n its so hard to know what to tell them hes so angry... View more

walking on eggshells

replies: 7

My husband is suffering from anxiety and has recently started taking medication to help. Although at first this helped it now seems to have different side affects and it seems to be as if he now has depression and is very moody almost to the point of angry outbursts. It's very scary and makes me feel like I'm walking on eggshells at all times waiting to see what mood he will be in. It also has affected his sex drive to almost non existent which I understand can be a side affect but is still hard to deal with. I've asked him to go back to the doctors and tell them what his side affects are to make sure everything is fine but he refuses. I feel as if I'm a bad person and its all my fault .I don't know what to do ....I feel like I'm sinking and no matter what I do to help I know in the end I will drown

Some days Im not sure I will find the strength!

replies: 2

Everyday is a challenge , not knowing how my daughter and husband are going to be.Some moments everything is perfect and I feel so elated. It's hard dealing with family members with depression and I'm not sure after everything we have been through , I may have depression also.I become very anxious at times also. But how do three depressed people living under one roof support each other . We have survived through hell and back ,so much has happened to our daughter , abuse, drugs violence ,police , avo's . I always believed in God , well I had faith he would keep her safe , well bad things happened but she is safe now with her family , I'm so blessed for that. it's so hard some days , my well of hope and positivity is empty at times and I fear it will dry up. what will happen then , it scares me.

He wants space..I don't know what to do

replies: 17

I believe my boyfriend of almost 7 years (we are both 25 almost 26) is showing signs of depression. This time last year he broke up with me out of the blue for 3 months and couldn't really say why. When we got back together he still couldn't give me answers but said he was miserable without me and it was a mistake. I should point out that he lost his dad when he was 22 and that was only a few years ago. This is the time of year his dad started to get ill as well. He said it is nothing to do with that though. We have been back together since January and are now approaching the time of year that this happened last year and he has told me is is feeling very down all the time and doesn't know why. He is ashamed of the way he feels and doesn't know what to do about it. I have suggested seeing a doctor but he refuses. He said he just wants to get away from everything, it's like the smallest things put him under pressure that he can't cope with. He has asked me for a few days space to get his head straight and feels he can't do that around me as he feels he owes me answers and can't give me any. He said that he knows I will think he is going to breakup with me again but has said he isn't he just needs to be away from any sort of pressure. I will of course do this for him, but I am finding it very hard to swallow. I love him dearly and would do anything to help him, but right now it's difficult to know what to do. I also have an underlying fear that he is going to break up with me again because he can't cope or perhaps he is stressing himself out about telling me because he knows I will be heartbroken. I know he has told me he isn't planning on doing that, but I don't feel reassured. I am giving him space but is it normal for him to want to keep his distance from me for a few days? Or is he showing signs of breaking up with me again? He tells me he loves me and it's him not me, but that doesn't reassure me because I keep thinking he loves me but can't be with me. Please help - I will do anything to make this right for him. I know I can't take the pain away but I want to save our relationship.

Anxiety, breakup and feeling unwanted.

replies: 15

My partner of 5 years came to me after a day at work stressed out and worried; ‘I think have anxiety’.I didn’t know how to handle it, I myself had issues with depression/anxiety as a teenager. Few weeks later he became very stressed about work and I tried to support him. After an hour of sleep and a morningat work he came home and said he wanted to move, 4 hrs away. At first I thought it was both of us, then I thought it wasgo back long distance but it became apparent it was a break up. A few days before he left he asked me see the psychologist to talk about things or we may break up. I had problems withintimacy. I knew it frustrated him as did it frustrate me. I felt pushed at times and like an object. It put a big strain on thingsand he has sited it as the as the reason for the break up. I’ve never been one for talking and talking to someone aboutsomething I didn’t even understand was daunting. I asked him to give me a week to think, I didn’t get a week. I spent the afternoon at a friend’s, while my parents drove him up the road to meet his family. I didn’t know he was going(he has apologised for leaving like this), I thought I would come home and he’d be there. The day after he left we spoke on the phone and he called me family and said he loved me, but said that he needed his family.I felt and I still do feel worthless, to be called family but not be family. I offered to move to be with him, but he told me I wouldn’t cope. Offered to go long distance again (we were long-distance forthe first 8months) and even offered to make this just a break, but he said can’t make promises. I explained how great it would beto have a fresh start. I have more friends in his home town then my own. But he just kept saying I wouldn’t cope and he doesn’tsee things working. We own a home together, and now all he wants to talk about is the house, anything else puts him on edge and causes an anxiety attack.It’s really hard for me to just talk about the house, I had dreamed a future for us. I was never one for dreaming futures, but I had donethat for us. All of this has me seeing a psychologist and now I’m waiting to see my Dr for something to help with the stress. He’s told me he has still feelings for me, so why can’t we be together? Has anyone been in this type of situation that can help me make sense of it all?

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Desperate need of advice replies: 3

Husband with Depression replies: 8

Sharing this emotional quote... replies: 2

Not strong enough to keep Caring replies: 2

I don't know how to help him replies: 1

i need advice on how to help my partner with depression replies: 2

walking on eggshells replies: 7

Some days Im not sure I will find the strength! replies: 2

He wants space..I don't know what to do replies: 17

Anxiety, breakup and feeling unwanted. replies: 15