Giving myself permission to leave the marriage after bipolar diagnosis

[LML]

My darling hubby has a bipolar diagnosis. He also has a very avoiding personality It took me nearly 2 years, counselling and wrong medication for 8 months to get him to a psychiatrist.

My final step is to ask him to work with me to get past "our" financial issues, but I feel he'll be avoiding this request so to protect myself & my future, for me this is where i give myself permission to go.

Wanted to leave the forums with the best resources i found to give me the insight I need to stay together but if we're not working together i can't keep it together by myself. Sad day.

Daily face book blog – lots of topics & insights Bipolar Burble with Natasha Tracey

You tube video Living with Bipolar – for carers & lived experience (excellent)

You tube video Bipolar Disorder - Lecture 2014 - Dr. Patrick McKeon - the basics Book for partners – 2nd edition (apparently use everything except the medications chapter), available on kindle too. This book is actually kind & acknowledges you'll probably be working thru it alone. Excellent framework for how to move forward as a couple. Loving someone with Bipolar Disorder by Julie Second edition

For me – talks on lots of subjects not aimed at mental health called TED talks

For me – 10 minute meditations – 10 for free to get you started & you can do them more than once on the internet search headspace dot com

Financial adviser -the most sensible & liberating thing I have done for myself even tho I thought I couldn't afford it.

[Jacko777]

Some great links there thanks LML. So true that some times there will be sad days, we find the insight as you have to help us move on. I love TED Talks, expands your mind and meditation has been a crucial part of my recovery.

Jack

[Pixie15]

Hi LML,

Thanks for the update. Anyone familiar with your posts will know you did not give up without a struggle. I wish you peace and happiness in your single life. 

Cheers,

Pixie.

[Kennaugh8]

Hi LML,

I also have a family member with bipolar disorder and I understand how hard it can be to work through issues when they are unwilling or unable to communicate with you. Whilst I have not been privy to your earlier posts, it sounds like you have shown a considerable amount of support for your husband over a long period of time and tried to work things out together. 

 

Another technique that may help is to set a deadline with him which gives him a certain amount of time to meet you half way so you can work through the problems together. If he doesn't try to fix your financial issues, you have given him a warning and are able to walk away knowing you tried. 

As is the case with many situations like these, it is hard on the carer to walk away but even harder on the carer if they stay. If you feel like you have done everything in your power to help him through this, you need to do what is best for you and your future.

Chris

[LML]

Thanks K8,this would be a good strategy,unfortunately my hubby is a HUGE avoider.

I deadline to him is like a red flag to a bull.

I will be giving him a week to respond, he usually ignores/does not reply. After that I'll just email & say that I'm really sorry he has chosen not to work with me & that means I now have to separate my finances from his. He actually earns about 8 x more than me & is the one who can't manage within a budget. I can't recover from any more financial knocks.

I wanted to let everyone know about the resource bpHope too, the author Julia Fast posts there as well as Australians

🙂

[LML]

My deadline is now looming around the corner with no response to my requests to have us work together.

I need to tell him I now need to separate my finances from his (apparently you don't have to be separated to have this arrangement) I just can't afford to live here any longer.

Background, he's been out of the house since May 2014, I have no idea where he's living. Last saw him at couples counselling Jan 2015 where he shouted  for 15 mins wouldn't let me speak & stormed out. He started with psychiatrist Feb 2015. He'll only communicated by email/txt.

Even tho he earns at least 8 x more than me this property settle4ment will cause financial issues on top of financial issues, should I let his GP & psychiatrist know what's coming?

Other than composing an email how should I tell him I'm taking this step?

Call on Friday so he can think about it over a weekend, rather than Monday morning?

Thoughts/suggestions welcome

[Pixie15]

HI LML,

How are you going? I do not get much time to spend on the forums these days. Sorry you have not had a reply. Maybe there is not single answer on the best way to deal with it.

Your partner cannot expect you to put your life on hold. If he has given you no way to contact him except for email that would seem to be your only option. Better that txt anyway. The main thing would be for you to get legal advice to know where you stand if he decided to be difficult over the settlement.

Anyway I would be interested to know how it goes for you.

cheers,

Pixie.

[LML]

I called, it did take him by surprise. I explained what I wanted & he neither made us a joint therapy appointment or returned my call.

So we are exchanging lawyers details now.

I didn't realize that you could get a financial separation (property settlement) without being separated, it meant I have let him know he chose not to get us an appointment to move forward so this is the consequence but means we can work around it if we got back together in the future. 

[Pixie15]

Hi, No I did not know about the property settlement. That is interesting. I guess it might be useful if your partner were financially unreliable as well. How are you going? Do you have some support?