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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Jenny30 I think my husband is depressed and it's ruining our marriage
  • replies: 2

We have a two year old and a five month old. Recently we've been through lots of stress.we had a second baby who is extremely unsettled and has medical issues, we sold our home and moved in with my mum and are about to start building a new house. My ... View more

We have a two year old and a five month old. Recently we've been through lots of stress.we had a second baby who is extremely unsettled and has medical issues, we sold our home and moved in with my mum and are about to start building a new house. My husband turned around one day and announced he is seeing a relationship therapist to work out what he wants because he is not happy and feels no connection with me anymore! He has been so up and down with his mood, he punched a hole in the wall, he shouted abuse at my poor mum, he gets home from work and has a bath or gets into bed. He blames me for all his feelings and thinks if he left he might be able to find some happiness. He isn't eating or sleeping and is exhausted all the time. I need some help. I am doing everything for the kids all by myself and trying to encourage him to see another gp and let me go too but he doesn't accept he may have depression. It runs in his family too.

LR Issues w Mum - Depression or Anxiety?
  • replies: 1

When we lived in NZ about 14 years ago, I remember my mum being busy, with purpose and generally happy. I loved being around her because she was cheeky and awesome (e.g. got my friend and me from school, bought us junk food and let us stay home 'sick... View more

When we lived in NZ about 14 years ago, I remember my mum being busy, with purpose and generally happy. I loved being around her because she was cheeky and awesome (e.g. got my friend and me from school, bought us junk food and let us stay home 'sick'). Once we moved to Australia in 2001, things slowly started to change. She was still working but somehow I don't remember her being as happy. She had a lot of trouble at work with being bullied, and then sustaining carpal tunnel in both hands which she had operated and then sustaining a massive shoulder injury through a fall. As a result, she couldn't work again, and for the last few years has been pottering around, looking after my sister's kids etc. My parents recently paid off their house and they are in a pretty good financial situation without any major worries. However, my father's mother got very sick and my dad left at the last minute to take care of her and put her in a home etc. My mother has never liked her mother-in-law, and has always made snide comments, to the point where my father doesn't even mention his mother in front of my mum. It seems that my mother's behaviour is getting worse, and I don't know whether it's depression, anxiety or dementia. She constantly criticises me, my father and my sister. For example: my house is messy so my mum behaves as if it's a sign of something bigger with a tone that suggests I'm a complete disappointment my father (a chauffeur) gets a fine in the mail (happens a bit when you drive for a living) and the first thing she does when he gets home is tell him about it she doesn't believe that the reason my sister and her family are moving from Sydney to Melbourne is to be close to us - she thinks that both my brother-in-law and my sister have lost their jobs she addresses an envelope to my sister in the wrong part of the envelope and receives it from the courier this morning took her to high tea for her birthday and she complained about the cold, the tea selection, the venue, the service etc When I spoke to her yesterday, she dropped the bombshell that she clearly has to see someone and get some anti depressants because she keeps upsetting people but she didn't think she was doing anything wrong. I should probably mention that I had a trauma (parents don't know the details) a year ago and have been seeing a psychologist and taking ADs. I want to help and I think she does need to speak to someone but I don't know if she'll go.

Fishproquo I sometimes struggle with my wife's depression
  • replies: 3

Hi, I'm new to the forums, I guess I'm just looking for some other people to talk to about having a wife who suffers with depression. I struggle at times as I feel that I do so much to try and make her life easier, less stressful and I guess it gets ... View more

Hi, I'm new to the forums, I guess I'm just looking for some other people to talk to about having a wife who suffers with depression. I struggle at times as I feel that I do so much to try and make her life easier, less stressful and I guess it gets to me when I'm constantly trying so hard whilst all the time my needs are basically not met.. And then all these things I do don't seem to help. From cooking to cleaning to looking after the kids so that she can go and take time out to do things or see her friends. I guess it's just hard at times to always be giving so much of yourself and not getting the things that I require to live happily. I hate that I get annoyed by not getting what I want so I get upset and cranky with her and then she cries because I'm upset with her for not giving me what I want and then I feel guilty for wanting the things that I want:-( i guess some advice on better ways to handle my wife's depression and the things that I need would be great lol. Cheers.

Wopha I'm struggling to support my boyfriend
  • replies: 3

Hi there, i have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he has always been one of the most optimistic people I know. In the past month or so however he has been steadily declining and now tells me he feels like he is happy when he is doing things but... View more

Hi there, i have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and he has always been one of the most optimistic people I know. In the past month or so however he has been steadily declining and now tells me he feels like he is happy when he is doing things but sad always as a general feeling. The other night he was at a party and halfway through ha to leave because he felt this overwhelming feeling of sadness. He is talking more about his feelings to me which is a positive and he still goes to work, sees people etc which is another good sign. He does however think he might have early stages of depression or mild depression but is reluctant to get help. I have recommended different things but ultimately it has to come from him to want to get help. basically I just want advice on how I can best support him in this situation, because it's getting hard for both of us when there's so much negativity

FCM80 Breaking up with my BPD boyfriend...
  • replies: 4

After nearly a year of extreme ups and downs with my boyfriend I have been busy reading about his behaviours and am convinced he has BPD. The descriptions describe his behaviours and our relationship to a tea! I have tried so many times to discuss th... View more

After nearly a year of extreme ups and downs with my boyfriend I have been busy reading about his behaviours and am convinced he has BPD. The descriptions describe his behaviours and our relationship to a tea! I have tried so many times to discuss the issues, reason with him, help him understand that the outbursts and his behaviour is not socially acceptable or normal or fair, but he doesn't get it. I've read this is typical of a BPD. It's time for me to exit the relationship. I'm worn out, my relationships with family and friends are under pressure, there are drug dependency issues, spending beyond his means, borrowing money from people left right and centre, lies, changing of stories, threats, tantrums, manipulation, damaging property, and it's "all my fault". Everything he does is for us, I don't try hard enough, I need to trust him and love him unconditionally, I need to give up my job so I can dedicate more time to focus on our relationship... The list goes on. I have planned out a 3 step process: preparing for the break up (e.g. Becoming boring, saying I'm tired, depressed and confused), doing the break up, and managing post break up (e.g. Not responding to the 87 emails, texts etc. which happened last time I tried to break it off)... If you have broken up with someone with BPD and have any tips, hints or advice, please share. Last time I broke up with him the pressure and persistence from him was incredible... The guilt was severe. The attraction to go back to him was intense. Can't afford for this to happen again... Any ideas?

LoveActually Struggling to cope with husband's depression bombshell
  • replies: 4

Almost two weeks ago my husband came home from a night out in tears. Over the course of the weekend he admitted that he was depressed and had been for two years. He had had some untreated anxiety for several years but he always said it was rare that ... View more

Almost two weeks ago my husband came home from a night out in tears. Over the course of the weekend he admitted that he was depressed and had been for two years. He had had some untreated anxiety for several years but he always said it was rare that he felt panicked. He had been stressed and busy at work and he had assured me his anxiety was not a part of it when he got tired or impatient at home. As I struggled to cope with this bombshell,he dropped another bombshell - he is not sure if he loves me any more and if I just change this and that he will be able to get better. Having spent almost thirty years together, with two great children I am shattered. He won't discuss any of this except to say that he feels better that he has told me he is depressed. I can't tell how much of his statement about not loving me is due to depression or is our relationship the cause of our depression. He sent one text to say he feels better when he is with me and that he loves me but since then any time I say I love him I get no response. For a couple that would text each other at work that we loved each other this is such a big change. Since then I feel like I am walking on eggshells. I am second guessing everything I say in case it upsets him. We have not spoken about anything serious for two weeks. Only superficial stuff. I watch him acting normally with the kids, talking on the phone like there is nothing wrong in his world and I feel like the last two years have been fake. I wonder how many times we have been doing things, having fun, and it has all been an act. The worst part is that I desperately want to help this man but feel I have to respect his request to work it out on his own. So scared if I push him that he might close up completely, or worse list more of the things he finds wrong with me. Sorry this is all over the place. I needed to get this out of my head and if anyone has advice on how to handle these first steps that would be great too. I have read the resources on the site and many posts but feel like the floor is tipping and I don't have the skills to prevent us all sliding off the edge.

Jason321 My partner has depression, wont get help, and blames me for everything!!??
  • replies: 9

Hi there, i need help asap. My partner has experienced depression 2 years ago, she went and got help and was medicated for it and was back to her normal self preety quickly. But she went off the meds as she fell pregnant, now that weve had our son, o... View more

Hi there, i need help asap. My partner has experienced depression 2 years ago, she went and got help and was medicated for it and was back to her normal self preety quickly. But she went off the meds as she fell pregnant, now that weve had our son, over a year ago now, shes taken a major turn..she says she has lost her feeling for me,she isnt her self, she acts angry at home, locks her self away and doents want to be touched, coudeled, looked at or spoken to. When i confronted her regarding this, she simply threw it back in my face, refused to go see anybody and blamed the relationship.Our son has noticed mummy isnt quite mummy at the moment aswell. She blames me for the whole situation and i cant get through to her that she/we need help. Ive spent hours and hours on the phone with mulitiple councelers and friends and have all said that it sounds like depression again. I know shes not herself but keeps says the most hurtful things to me and trying to push me away."I dont have feelings for you anymore" "i want out" "i cant do this anymore" "theres no us anymore" she says. Ive been to doctors about this incase she does goes in so they know exactly whats going on. She says she doesnt have a problem, your the problem"..... Im running out of courage here, and i love her so so much. Ive continualy told her, i dont care what u call me, im not leaving you, I love you, I care for you, and im here for you. But she simply throws it back in my face. Ineed help ASAP as we have a youg fella to bring up and i know shes not who she really is. PLEASE HELP!

yarnartisan 15yo with depression, my partner and I are in shock
  • replies: 3

I have an inherited serotonin defiency that caused my anxiety. Then due to a two year period of high stress and physical injuries I developed depression and acute stress disorder . I joined BB last month during a bad depressive bout and although init... View more

I have an inherited serotonin defiency that caused my anxiety. Then due to a two year period of high stress and physical injuries I developed depression and acute stress disorder . I joined BB last month during a bad depressive bout and although initially scary have found it to be a great source of support and help. My eldest child also inherited the serotonin deficiency and has anxiety plus hypoglycaemia and anaemia plus this year is her last year of high school with all the extra stresses that adds to her life and ours. Today my partner and I took my 15 yr old to the drs as we has some concerns and she has been diagnosed with severe depression, has had suicidal tendencies and has self harmed. Our GP was great , she is now on meds,a mental health care plan and we have a referral to a psych. Plus she is now on reach out and BB. At the risk of sounding selfish I don't know how I'm going to cope with this even though I know I'll have to. My cup runneth over with parental guilt and a sense of failure and hopelessness . My partner and I are in shock . I'm feeling so overwhelmed and scared I'm going to fall apart and fail her even more by being useless. Anyone got a lifeline they can throw me? Are you there White Knight ? You always give me sage and practical advice . help!! Are there any other parents in the same situation of being depressive themselves plus having kids with it too. Can someone please help me out Yarnartisan

Mizlissa PTSD woman loves man with depression. Help!
  • replies: 1

background - together 4 yrs 3 of them amazing. He's been suffering for a while but when I suggested help he wouldn't go, I work full time so I've been putting off going to see someone too. I know I need to! My PTSD is making me paranoid and insecure ... View more

background - together 4 yrs 3 of them amazing. He's been suffering for a while but when I suggested help he wouldn't go, I work full time so I've been putting off going to see someone too. I know I need to! My PTSD is making me paranoid and insecure which leads to anger. This anger has led to a huge blowout ending our relationship (though we were engaged and getting married in a few months). It also caused him to finally go to the doctor. It's almost defiantly some sort of depression/anxiety that causes him to blow up over the smallest things run off and lock himself in a caravan for days. My question is this, he is blaming me for everything lashing out like mad, texting non stop about how everything is destroyed because of me. I want to help him get through this, I can't leave him like that! I know it sounds stupid but I love him, I have children I know what it means to love someone who poops in your hand. I love him like that, I need help to help him.

Confused91 Partner Suffering Breakdown - My Fault
  • replies: 3

Hi All, My partner of 9 years has suffered from anxiety from around the age of 10, when we got together he was on medication and had the anxiety under control. Over the years he goes through a rough patch about every 18 months (shuts down, hides away... View more

Hi All, My partner of 9 years has suffered from anxiety from around the age of 10, when we got together he was on medication and had the anxiety under control. Over the years he goes through a rough patch about every 18 months (shuts down, hides away and is generally depressed) this usually lasts a week and then he is back to the norm. Around 3 months ago he broke my trust (money related) and on discovering what he had done I took some time to myself to reevaluate our relationship. I forgave him for what he had done and genuinely believe he is sorry for what he has done. Since I discovered this he has completely shut down like I have never seen before, suffering panic attacks, calling my work number crying, no motivation and he generally seems out of it. I sent him to the doctor which I also attended the appointment who referred him to a counceller for some assistance. There has been no improvement over the past 6 weeks which is taking a huge toll on both of our lives. He goes to work when he chooses and picks fights with his boss to get sent home, he sits around the house in his underwear failing to do anything like a house hold chore or cook. I ask him to do something & when he doesn't he says I didn't ask him or he forgot. Can any of you provide any ways of how I can get some motivation back into my usually loving, caring and helpful partner? His lack of motivation and constant sadness is taking a huge toll on our relationship and lives and I can't help but feel guilty and resent myself for pulling him up for his wrong doing as this is what started this. I feel like I'm falling into a black hole, My honesty was the cause of his pain, therefore I should be unhappy too. Any tips or ideas would be greatly appreciated, I just wish I could rewind 3 months back to when I had a happy partner who would leave the house with me. HELP!!?