I think my husband has depression

[reallyneedhelp]

I will give you a brief history of my husband's and my journey so far.  When my husband and I met we were friends for a little while before our relationship changed.  I had already been diagnosed with depression and I was taking an antidepressant which kept me calm most of the time and able to handle most things that were thrown at me.  My husband was diagnosed with cancer and he refused to do anything about it as he thought the doctors did not care.  We both left our job at a similar time and came back to my home town where I helped him get treatment for his cancer.

He came through the treatment with flying colours and is now cancer free.  We became engaged about a year later and then married shortly after that. Just before we were married I stopped taking my antidepressant  as we wanted to start a family straight away.  I no longer have my awful thoughts which is great but my husband started becoming really mean about the same time as I stopped taking my medication.  He would verbally abuse me often and he would accuse me of having affairs constantly.  He also drinking up to five cartons of beer a week.

I supported him as best I could but I asked if we could go to counselling to try and sort what the issues were out.  He agreed for a couple of months and it helped a little bit but it has been a year since we stopped counselling and he is starting to self destruct again.  I suggest that he should go again to counselling without me as I feel I am part of the problem as well and he says he will get over it.  He does not want to get over what ever is his problem.  He loves telling me that no one cares and that everyone is against him and no matter what I say I am not able to make him see that, that is not true.

I am three months pregnant with our little IVF baby and I feel trying to look after myself as well as look after someone who doesn't want to look after themselves is somewhat draining.  I will never leave my husband and after all that we have gone through I think I have proven that but he will not listen  to me and as much as I do not want to admit it I am getting quite annoyed.  I know I can not make him fix what his issues are he needs to do this himself which is what I did but he will not even try.  He keeps saying he will get over it.  But he isn't.  What do I do please?  I am at the absolute end of my tether.  I only want to help him but he does not want to help himself.

[Jacko777]

Hi reallyneedhelp,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, I'm sorry to hear all this, it's not what you need right now. 

Your husband sounds to be suffering from something, I guess we can have compassion for his struggle and have hope that he will indeed one day 'get over it.' A clear indication that he is actively working on it would be useful to you. Is he aware that right now is a really important time for all of you, bubs included?

I'm not exactly sure how you can handle this situation but I will say this; you and your baby need all the calmness and love you can foster right now. You have tried to help your hubby to no avail, all you can do now is help yourself, try and keep your focus on you, on the things that make you happy and calm, go out of your way to spend time being relaxed and happy. You can still allot some time each day to try and address issues with your husband, have hope that he will improve and you can still point out to him that he is 'not being himself' and that you are concerned for him. Keep him excited about the future of your family.

If you find it hard to adjust your focus on this, maybe you could see your own counsellor to get some tips to get you through, or you could ring the Beyond Blue phone service, it's free and 24/7. Oh and I find it commendable that you say 'you will never leave your husband', threats of separation only breed insecurity I think. How did you get him to a counsellor last time?

Jack

[reallyneedhelp]

Hi Jack

Thankyou for your reply. I know he understands that it is important time but he loves throwing back in my face that I am just being over emotional. He does that a lot. I just feel awful for not being there like I should for him.

When we went to the councillor last time it was because he had drunk a carton of beer the night before we decided to go and he said some really hurtful things to me. One of which was he thought we were rushing into having a baby...with IVF it is kinda hard to rush into anything but he was trying to get me to fight with him. I sat there and took everything he threw at me and did not say a word. I went to bed and cried and cried and cried. He came in about 5 hours later and gave me a kiss and said he loved me and I said I needed to talk to him in the morning. He didn't remember anything he had said to me. He just said no worries babe and went to sleep.

I won't ever leave him, I love him with all my heart. He has never physically abused me in anyway and he is a very loving husband. He has even stopped drinking because it was doing bad things to him. He just can't seem to understand that I want to help him but he just doesn't want to help himself. I am so very confused with what to do. If I bring anything up, like I said, he says I'm being emotional and he wants me to listen not say anything but then he starts saying hurtful things and he thinks if I defend myself I am guilty of something.

He is so sad all the time and he thinks the world is against him. I keep saying he is an amazing husband and he will be an amazing father but I don't think he believes me.

[peter1977]

hello reallyneedhelp,

Ok first of all i cant speak for your husband as i don't know him at all . But i would say he does remember what he said to you drunk or not . Men are very different to woman when trying to handle emotions so i have found out myself. It sure sounds like he has anger issues over something in his life not knowing him i cant say what it is or why . Maybe something in his life is not as he would like it to be or something has happened he cant seem to wrap his head around . But him trying to make you fight alot of the time for men is a way of getting stuff in the open .pay attention to what he does say when he is angry because the heart of his problems may be right there .I myself have had struggles with a partner with depression and it can really take it out of you over time . You really need to look after yourself at this point in time with a baby on the way .I have been with a partner for well over 20 years that suffers depression and bad anxiety . I know only to well how draining it can be . Just remember to try be as understanding as you can without judgement but also remember you have to look after your own mental health as well . I really hope you can find a solution to his and your frustrations .