Supporting family and friends

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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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reallyneedhelp I think my husband has depression
  • replies: 3

I will give you a brief history of my husband's and my journey so far. When my husband and I met we were friends for a little while before our relationship changed. I had already been diagnosed with depression and I was taking an antidepressant which... View more

I will give you a brief history of my husband's and my journey so far. When my husband and I met we were friends for a little while before our relationship changed. I had already been diagnosed with depression and I was taking an antidepressant which kept me calm most of the time and able to handle most things that were thrown at me. My husband was diagnosed with cancer and he refused to do anything about it as he thought the doctors did not care. We both left our job at a similar time and came back to my home town where I helped him get treatment for his cancer.He came through the treatment with flying colours and is now cancer free. We became engaged about a year later and then married shortly after that. Just before we were married I stopped taking my antidepressant as we wanted to start a family straight away. I no longer have my awful thoughts which is great but my husband started becoming really mean about the same time as I stopped taking my medication. He would verbally abuse me often and he would accuse me of having affairs constantly. He also drinking up to five cartons of beer a week.I supported him as best I could but I asked if we could go to counselling to try and sort what the issues were out. He agreed for a couple of months and it helped a little bit but it has been a year since we stopped counselling and he is starting to self destruct again. I suggest that he should go again to counselling without me as I feel I am part of the problem as well and he says he will get over it. He does not want to get over what ever is his problem. He loves telling me that no one cares and that everyone is against him and no matter what I say I am not able to make him see that, that is not true.I am three months pregnant with our little IVF baby and I feel trying to look after myself as well as look after someone who doesn't want to look after themselves is somewhat draining. I will never leave my husband and after all that we have gone through I think I have proven that but he will not listen to me and as much as I do not want to admit it I am getting quite annoyed. I know I can not make him fix what his issues are he needs to do this himself which is what I did but he will not even try. He keeps saying he will get over it. But he isn't. What do I do please? I am at the absolute end of my tether. I only want to help him but he does not want to help himself.

peter1977 Partner of 20 years has depression
  • replies: 9

hello , first of all my spelling is never great so please bear with me . I have spent the last 20 years of my life with the same woman we met at age 17. she has had depression for maybe 17 of our 20 years . We have 3 kids and we were doing ok till a ... View more

hello , first of all my spelling is never great so please bear with me . I have spent the last 20 years of my life with the same woman we met at age 17. she has had depression for maybe 17 of our 20 years . We have 3 kids and we were doing ok till a few months ago when i found out she cheated on me with another guy . Even after all this i still love her I was so hurt and i guess i still am in many ways . i then spent the next few months talking to her and trying to find out why she did what she did . Over those few months she was seeing others in hotels and so on as well.I was so mad at her for this because i had spent the last 20 years of our lives devoted to her .I do not claim i was the ideal partner for all those years and never would . But 5 months have past since it all and we are now back together . she wants to marry me after all these years and says she knows i am the one she loves ....I still love this woman with all my heart and maybe always will i said yes i would marry her and our date is the 11th of this year . What i am still having trouble with is how she lied to me and how fast she ran to another mans arms when things got tough . I know she loves me in her own way but how do i know its real love and not just the fact she needs me to lift her up when times are hard. Or is it that she feels comfy with me after all the years and noticed i was not there for her in times of need . I am so confused i have written tons of emails to her telling her my own feelings with very little in return from her . she gives me the odd i love you and sends me short texts saying sweet things . But what i am looking for is something to show me she really does love me . Has anyone else gone through something like this ?.

kylieg hospital?
  • replies: 4

hi my son who is 16 has been missing school and has depression & anxiety. he is having quite a bad episode of depression for the last week and would like to know about when hospitalisation is needed for mental health and where to go.

hi my son who is 16 has been missing school and has depression & anxiety. he is having quite a bad episode of depression for the last week and would like to know about when hospitalisation is needed for mental health and where to go.

Murp Daughter with anxiety and depression
  • replies: 5

Hi, my 15 year old daughter has been diagnosed with clinical depression. I will call her E. E first went to school counsellor, (I made the appointment as I knew something was wrong and E was not coping with things at school, she wouldn't open up to m... View more

Hi, my 15 year old daughter has been diagnosed with clinical depression. I will call her E. E first went to school counsellor, (I made the appointment as I knew something was wrong and E was not coping with things at school, she wouldn't open up to me) Then to GP and psychologist. All 3 have diagnosed her with clinical depression. Once a A grade student, she now can't concentrate to do any school work, not even reading. E has withdrawn herself from friends. E tells me she doesn't have any friends. E doesn't want to go to school. and has only been able to go a few times a week E is not sleeping well and spends a lot of time in her room. E has just completed 5 sessions with a psychologist. E opened up a little but has now refused to talk because it is not helping (her words). E is very reserved and does not like opening up to people. E also refuses to take any medication that may be prescribed and does not want to see a GP again or visit a Psychiatrist (this has been recommended) I am making an appointment with GP to discuss what to do next. It is so frustrating and I feel so helpless to get her help. E will not do anything to help herself, she cannot keep going on this way. The other problem that I have come across with some GP's is the rights of a 15 year old child and its the decision of the child to make on any further treatment, not mine. I am a parent who is trying to help their child get better. Help! hope this makes sense, am just writing what comes in my mind.

bluebell2 Advice - Support for my Mum
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone, Thank you in advance for listening. My mum suffers depression and has for 15 years. She has been really good however we noticed over the past year or so she has slowly becoming more negative and victimising herself. I feel it is a direct... View more

Hi everyone, Thank you in advance for listening. My mum suffers depression and has for 15 years. She has been really good however we noticed over the past year or so she has slowly becoming more negative and victimising herself. I feel it is a direct result of her partner who suffers deep depression and anxiety, he struggles to keep a job and is paranoid and victimises himself at work thinking everyone is out to get him. I have encouraged my mum that she needs to focus on herself and have some time to herself, which she sees value in. However since she has told her partner she needs a break he has got worse and is apparently on "suicide watch" at his work. Of course I feel bad for him but my priority at the moment is to make sure my mum is healthy and well. Do you have any advice for me? Should I support my mum in supporting him or should she keep reminding him he needs to keep working on himself and she needs to work out her life?beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Puppiesmakemesmile Friend with depression has developed crush
  • replies: 4

New to site. I have a friend/colleague who suffers from depression and has reached a really low point that has similar characteristics that showed the previous time this friend hit rock bottom and harmed themselves.They have developed feelings toward... View more

New to site. I have a friend/colleague who suffers from depression and has reached a really low point that has similar characteristics that showed the previous time this friend hit rock bottom and harmed themselves.They have developed feelings towards myself and am unsure on how to handle the matter and help as friend without leading him on as they keep looking at my help as being possible reciprocated feelings. Can not find any threads on forums on how to help a friend with depression that has developed feelings. I do not want to give the wrong idea but also don't want to send him into an even deeper depression as he has stopped taking his medication and won't seek help even when there is a large strong friend support base who are offering to help him through this journey and join him in seeking help so he doesn't have to do it alone. Any advice would be greatly appreciated I do not want to make things worse. beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

Jaylouise My man of 11 years
  • replies: 6

i just want to know if my man has depression or he just over me . I walk in a room , he walks out . I have to ask for any intimacy . He dosent want anything from me .dosent socialize , dosent communicate very well . If I confront him about anything s... View more

i just want to know if my man has depression or he just over me . I walk in a room , he walks out . I have to ask for any intimacy . He dosent want anything from me .dosent socialize , dosent communicate very well . If I confront him about anything serious he will go to bed .There is so much good about him but for me I'm dying inside with no love or affection .

Aurellia Procrastination to anxiety to self loathing ....
  • replies: 4

My son finally came to us to seek help for depression and anxiety earlier this year and is thankfully now seeing a CBT professional. His anxiety is caused in part by an inability to act on tasks that he has to do as part of life - I realise that this... View more

My son finally came to us to seek help for depression and anxiety earlier this year and is thankfully now seeing a CBT professional. His anxiety is caused in part by an inability to act on tasks that he has to do as part of life - I realise that this is characteristic of many young men, but in this case his inability to act leads to bigger consequences which subsequently makes him feel useless, self loathing sets in, and the cycle continues . He described it very articulately as seeing a door that he needs to walk through, but all he can focus on is a small nail sticking out from the door frame that he will get stuck on. When I see it is starting to get overwhelming, I offer to take some of his tasks from him or help him, which he refuses as he is too proud to admit that he can't do it, often this also leads to him completely with drawing from me. I feel I am stuck, I have suggested setting small achievable goals, but the very notion of setting goals sends him into a panic. My husband is starting to lose patience which sets up another tension. I'd appreciate any suggestions or advice from others.

Acheron Partner with BPD - Help!
  • replies: 1

Hi all, I'm new here and thought I'd jump straight in. So I've been seeing my partner (who is 12 years my junior) for just over 3 years now. She's been diagnosed with BPD and I knew this from the start. We had a fantastic 3 years together and we have... View more

Hi all, I'm new here and thought I'd jump straight in. So I've been seeing my partner (who is 12 years my junior) for just over 3 years now. She's been diagnosed with BPD and I knew this from the start. We had a fantastic 3 years together and we have so much fun. We share a lot of common interests. The first year and a half of our relationship was me shifting from boyfriend to carer quite a lot, which doesn't bother me as I'm an exceptionally caring guy. As the time went on, we wanted to go on a trip, then focus in on getting a house, with a further look to having kids. Talk of marriage were there too. About 3 months ago, she started going around to a work colleague's house to watch a TV series. I found it a bit weird, but she doesn't have many friends and I felt that it would be nasty of me to deny her this. Plus he had a girlfriend. 7 or so weeks ago, after a psych appointment, she told me straight out that she feared she would sleep with him. I asked "but doesn't he have a gf?" and she told me he broke up with her. 3 days later she had decided that she wasn't feeling in the danger zone, so she'd go around to his place. Later on that night, I thought it was about time to pick her up. When I did, she was horribly drunk and ended up vomiting in the street. We went to bed and that was that. The next morning she told me she'd slept with him and that's when things odd. I told her that I wasn't going to dump her for one infidelity and we'd make this work out. Later that night, my friend who also has a PD suggested we move into an open relationship. This was agreeable to me at the time, as this may help us. I thought about seeing someone else too, but deep down I know it's not what I want. So, she sees this fellow every couple of weeks. It hurts every time.I always think when she's there that when she comes home I'll break up with her, but then she does and I change my mind. She says that he offers her something I can't, which is hard for me. The last time she went over there to see him was a few days ago, and he told her outright that he doesn't want to "go out with someone with BPD." But I do. We still are together and it's only on the days that she goes there that I find it very difficult. She told me that sometimes I make her feel trapped. Does anyone else have an experience like this? If you're still together with them, how do you do it? Is this possible to maintain?

Jabrjori Running out of people to talk to
  • replies: 5

So as my title suggests, I feel like I have run out of people to talk too. Mum: is a mess, depression, anxiety at extreme levels at the moment, the alcoholism that goes with it isnt numbing the pain, I spent 45 min on the phone listening to her cry t... View more

So as my title suggests, I feel like I have run out of people to talk too. Mum: is a mess, depression, anxiety at extreme levels at the moment, the alcoholism that goes with it isnt numbing the pain, I spent 45 min on the phone listening to her cry tonight Dad: also suffers from depression but has his under control, he has lost half his nose to skin cancer and is having to have plastic surgery. He has a lot of trouble supporting my mum, and doesn't know how to help, so he drinks with her and as much as her. They have both been told they are suffering from severe damage to there livers, water off a ducks back Aunty; also suffers from depression (even though "I am TOTALLY Fine, I have a positive outlook, I don't dwell on the past and life's good) she was my rock to talk to about my mum as its her sister, that's until I started getting like, "your mum is being selfish and will take you down with her," the best one "she needs to snap out of it" 1 of my best friends is suffering from depression and anxiety and i listen to her on the phone, (as she doesnt live close) and I tell her I am fine, mums life is fine too even though its not Another bestie, also isnt great, whenever I talk to her about stuff, she always turns it back and tells me she knows what its like. She has her Mum as her Mum, I have my Mum as someone who is more my daugther at the moment My final best friend has just been diagnosed with PTS from a workplace bullying in the last fornight My Mother in law, is having problems with my brother and sister in law, and my brother in law died 4 years ago, so I don't like to burden her with my problems my HUSBAND is the best, he is always here, gives me a cuddle, but sometimes you just need someone else, bless him. We are very busy with a struggling small business and 4 little kids between 6 and 2.5 I am worried that all of this in my life is going to bring me down too. I am doing my best to leave the conversation with my friends and my aunty on the phone, or email or however. Unfortunately with my mum its much harder. My mum needs more help than she is getting, she spent 20 days in a private hospital last year and I think this is where she needs to be, She lies to the educators and the doctors about whats going on. I am to scared to ring these people for a chat as I am "the daughter' Sorry for the big rant, there is no need to reply, unless you want too, I sometimes feel its easier to write this shit down! Take care people, someone loves you!