How do I help someone who won't help themself?

[Channy94]

I've been with my partner for well over a year now and no matter what I suggest he won't seek help for his depression. It's been causing isomnia, anger issues which sometimes leads to violence, fatigue, he almost always feels worthlesss and talks about suicide.

I've suggested he go see his GP and he won't because he automatically thinks that they're going to put him on meds which he's very much against. I've told him there's other options to help him but he won't listen. Not only is it destroying him but its killing me because I'm  doing everything I can and he just gets aggressive and is never happy. It's impacting my recovery from the same illness (which I was diagnosed with years ago and am seeking several different treatments for) and I feel like I'm not strong enough to support him on my own.

If anyone has or is having the same experience, I really could use some advice please, I just can't keep it up

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Channy94, thanks for your post.

We can see how worried you are about your partner’s well-being. His mental health is also negatively impacting on your well-being.

We are concerned to see that your partner is talking about suicide and refusing to get help. It is very important that you take warning signs seriously. You can ask him if he is considering suicide and if he has any plans. This won't put the idea into his head, but will encourage him to talk about his feelings. His safety is your main concern and you need to do whatever it takes to get him the help and support he needs.

There are some practical things you can do to help. For example, don't leave him alone, and remove any means of suicide available (weapons, medications, alcohol and other drugs, access to a car). Encourage him to get support from a health professional. Try to give him hope by letting him know that suicidal thoughts are usually a sign of treatable mental health issues, such as depression. Ask him to promise that he will reach out and tell someone if suicidal thoughts return. It is important that he is seeking help, and if he is not willing to get help for himself and he is at serious risk of hurting himself or ending his life it is important you do so on his behalf.

You can take the first step in doing this by:
- Speaking to a doctor
- Calling the local Mental Health Team (you can find the number in your local phone directory, or by calling his local hospital)
- Supporting him to attend the emergency department of the local hospital
- If he is at immediate risk of hurting himself or ending his life call 000 for emergency services to attend.

Your advice that there are many other options aside from medication is excellent Channy94. This is very true. It is also important your partner knows that a doctor will not prescribe something unless a person agrees to take it. It is not a passive process. Even if a doctor were to prescribe something your partner does not want to take, he can just decide not to fill the prescription, although it is much better if he is open with the doctor about his feelings regarding the medication. You and your partner can read about effective treatments here:

Treatments for depression

We are very worried to see that you say your partner becomes violent. We are worried for your safety Channy94. Depression or any other mental health issue is not an excuse for violence.

Domestic and family violence is a pattern of abusive behaviour in an intimate relationship or other type of family relationship where one person assumes a position of power over another and causes fear. It is also known as domestic violence, family violence or intimate partner violence. You can find out more information here.

We are worried for your on-going safety and your well-being. We strongly encourage you to get in touch with 1800RESPECT, our national family violence service, to get more information and support around your home situation.

1800 RESPECT
Phone: 1800 737 732
Hours: 24/7
Website: www.1800respect.org.au

1800RESPECT can help you to make a safety plan, however If you ever feel in immediate danger know that you can call 000 for emergency services to attend.

We are always here to support you too. You are also very welcome to call our support and information line on 1300 22 4636 if you have further concerns or questions. We are available 24 hours and we are here to help in anyway that we can. We also have web chat service available from 3pm-midnight 7 days a week, you can access this from our website.

[Channy94]

Thank you so much Sophie. The information you have provided me with is so useful, it's such a relief to know there is more that I can do without feeling like I'm forcing him to do anything and that there are other ways around helping support him.

Thanks also for being so concerned with my well-being too, it's so great to know that there are support services so readily available. I felt so alone before and had no idea what to do.